Advice For Dudes: The Top 5 Online Dating Dos And Don’ts
Posted by: The Frisky
Filed in:
guys, relationships
10:00AM, Monday October 5th 2009
Are you a dude on an online dating site? Are you having trouble getting women to actually go out with you? Not sure why? The problem may be you! From corny pickup lines to photo no-nos to profile mistakes, The Frisky gives you the lowdown on the top five mistakes men make when dating online—from the female perspective. Get it right and we might let you take us out on a date!
Photo No-Nos: Don’t post a photo of yourself holding a beer. Do you think we want to know what brand of beer you drink? This is not Sigma Pi, and we care not. Don’t post photos of yourself in which we can’t see you. If you’re standing 100 yards from the camera, your face is in shadow, or if you’re wearing a hat, you’re messing with our dudedar. If we can’t get a good look at you to figure out what kind of guy you might be, we probably won’t get within 100 yards of you. Don’t post photos of yourself looking ridiculous: dressed as a clown, covered in cake frosting, wearing Mardi Gras beads. We’re looking for a mate, not a party animal. Do post recent photos of yourself in which you look happy and handsome. Now we’re talking.
Be an Original: On an online dating site, you’re one dude in a crowded virtual room. If you want to get one-on-one time with the ladies, you’re going to have to stand out from the rest of the pack. If your profile describes you as “nice,” “outgoing,” “friendly,” “sincere,” “funny,” “kind,” “adventurous,” or “hard working,” we probably fell asleep before we finished reading it. Next! Do you know how many other guys use those exact same words? All of them. Get creative with your bio, bust out a thesaurus, and go out on a limb. Tell us what makes you unique and different, and we’ll recognize your specialness through the virtual haze. Don’t tell us you’re funny; be funny. Remember, you’re selling yourself, and your buyer is a woman. We don’t want to read a generic, boring, cliché-addled personal resume. We’re emotional buyers, and the real you closes the deal.
Get It Right: Women read anything into everything. But you knew that already, right? Checking out your profile, we’re looking over your stats, we’re eying your pictures, we’re scanning your prose. We’re trying to get a sense of who you are through every detail. Because this is a buyers’ market (ours!), we’re looking for a reason to exclude you. Take the time to polish your profile. A spell-checked, grammatically correct, well-written profile shows us you’re on the ball personally and professionally, not some ne’er-do-well living in his mother’s basement. While you’re at it, don’t fudge the facts. The truth about your age, height, and income are bound to come out down the line if we date. Women are like hunting dogs when it comes to sniffing out BS. Honesty is sexy.
Making a Move: We know it’s not easy hitting on a chick. Unfortunately, that doesn’t make us any more merciful. Start off with a lame line, and we’re bound to shoot you down or, worse yet, ignore you. “How was your weekend?” “You seem like an interesting person.” “How are you today?” Bo-ring. “Do you have any pictures of yourself in a bikini?” Pervert alert! “If you go out with me, I’ll be eternally grateful.” Yeah, um, no. You know what scores with women? Specificity. Take the time to get to know her virtually and respond specifically to something in her profile. Whether it’s going to Coachella, eating cottage cheese with ketchup, or trekking to Machu Picchu, point out the bonds that exist between us. Before you know it, we’ll be responding “yes” to your date request.
Real-Time Dating: Don’t email us forever. Get on with it already! We’re going to know within the first five minutes of meeting you if you’re the guy for us or not. When we’ve gone back and forth via email for long enough to get comfortable, ask us out on a no-pressure date. Drinks or dinner. No movies or beach trip. Follow the golden rule: K.I.S.S. (Keep It Simple, Stupid.) If you ask her out, and she hesitates significantly, turns you down, or blows you off, move on to the next one. If we don’t jump at the bait, we’re probably not really that interested. Once you’re in the room together, well, that’s on you, buddy. Just keep one thing in mind: Making a girl laugh is one of the surest ways to win her heart.
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luke15chick
wrote on October 5 2009 @ 09:09 am: [report]
Along the line of pictures, post a picture of yourself. I always worried about the ones that posted pictures of anything but themselves.
_jsw_
wrote on October 5 2009 @ 09:12 am: [report]
So… show yourself, be yourself, differentiate yourself, don’t be sloppy about it, be engaging, and move out of the e-realm into the real world.
Check.
brandyalexander
wrote on October 5 2009 @ 09:13 am: [report]
Yeah, I just saw a guy who posted a picture of an orange. And don’t say stupid things like “I like hanging out, and listening to music, and laughter.” Jesus Christ. I hate those things! Music? Nooooooo….!
Riley
wrote on October 5 2009 @ 09:15 am: [report]
I prefer wearing my pressed silver chains without a shirt on for profile photos; maybe a couple pics of me throwing the deuce for the cool factor.
I really hate spell-checking my messages, so I keep them to one-liners. Sometimes I’ll type in all caps so you can read my game easier.
My interests: Having fun, doing stuff and Will Ferrell movies - any of them, that guy is HILARIOUS.
amandabear
wrote on October 5 2009 @ 09:23 am: [report]
To the picture rule, I’d add: don’t post pictures of yourself with ex-girlfriends and/or random chicks at bars hanging all over you. They may actually be friends of yours and lovely human beings, but it makes you look skeevy. Fact.
SouthOC
wrote on October 5 2009 @ 09:31 am: [report]
Addition to the list: DON’T LIE!
Jessalyn
wrote on October 5 2009 @ 09:48 am: [report]
This could be a personal pet peeve, but don’t call me “cutie,” “sweetie,” “babe,” etc. when you don’t even know whether or not I’ll answer your message (because if you do, I probably won’t). I get that you don’t know my name yet - it’s kind of a given. But using a generic term of endearment makes you sound like a jerk who can’t be bothered to keep the women he’s hitting on straight. Also, nicknames of any kind are for people who know me well - friends, relatives, guys I’ve actually met, etc.
brandyalexander
wrote on October 5 2009 @ 09:50 am: [report]
Ditto… and don’t go on about how beautiful I am, because it sounds insincere and desperate.
silvergurl
wrote on October 5 2009 @ 09:53 am: [report]
“u 2 cute. im sexy n cool”—too many a guy on dating sites.
*vom*
...and NEXT!
Frisky Noetic
wrote on October 5 2009 @ 10:17 am: [report]
Make me think, make me laugh, make me want to know more.
otherwise, my friends and I will be having a good laugh at your “FAIL MAIL”.
I second, Amandabear with not posting pictures of you with other woman. As part of a larger photo album is one thing, but as the main choice for a dating site picture? no. Show me you.
slip
wrote on October 5 2009 @ 10:32 am: [report]
I’m all about the masculine bulge.
It brings ‘em in.
Slip
H. Blue
wrote on October 5 2009 @ 10:48 am: [report]
I love it when guys post pictures of their dogs or of themselves with random children. Not all women are drawn to men holding babies. Likewise, I don’t want to see a picture of your car, or random landscape pictures from some vacation you took with your ex. I saw one profile once that had over a dozen pictures and only two of them had the guy in them. One of the pictures of him could have been of anyone because he was so far from the camera.
I have been called sweetie, babe, dear, and honey- it definitely guarantees that I won’t be writing back.
Another peeve of mine is when a guy lists the qualities he’s looking for in a woman. If he starts off saying “beautiful” or “fit” or “sexy” I keep moving. There’s more to a good match than looks. Obviously, you don’t want to date someone you think is fugly- that’s a given. We’re all a little bit shallow, and if you don’t like the pictures on someone’s profile, you probably won’t write anyway, but it would be nice to know what OTHER qualities you’re looking for, aside from the hotness factor. Adding “fun” and “likes to go out or stay in” doesn’t help.
Rose
wrote on October 5 2009 @ 10:52 am: [report]
@ slip I HOPE you’re joking. I can’t stand getting pics of <ahem> isolated body parts.
amandabear
wrote on October 5 2009 @ 11:02 am: [report]
Oh, oh, another pet peeve of mine in dating profiles is dudes who say things like “I love to laugh” or “I love to have fun.” Really? Because I hate to laugh and fun is the worst! Come one now, you’ve got to have more specific interests than that.
slip
wrote on October 5 2009 @ 11:07 am: [report]
@Rose, when I got my first camera phone, I did in fact photograph the manly hydraulics. It was one of the most disgusting things I’ve ever seen.
Slip
Rose
wrote on October 5 2009 @ 11:13 am: [report]
@slip, yet you say it “brings ‘em in”
bumbler
wrote on October 5 2009 @ 11:15 am: [report]
Topless shots are such a cliche. I’ll forgive my 16 year old cousin in law for posting them all over his myspace, he doesn’t know any better. Grown men it’s just creepy.
slip
wrote on October 5 2009 @ 11:15 am: [report]
Pants on, yes. Pants off, no.
Slip
Rose
wrote on October 5 2009 @ 11:21 am: [report]
@slip and this seriously works for you?
Riley
wrote on October 5 2009 @ 11:25 am: [report]
@Bumbler - No way! I have to show off my hot bod. I’m only one-dimensional. We tools have to work with the tools given.
bumbler
wrote on October 5 2009 @ 11:26 am: [report]
@Riley I’ll allow it if you wear a rhinestone studded Ed Hardy tiger hat and pluck your eyebrows beforehand.
slip
wrote on October 5 2009 @ 11:27 am: [report]
@Rose: sarcasm and absurdity. But I’ll cut back since it’s Monday.
Slip
Jessalyn
wrote on October 5 2009 @ 11:29 am: [report]
@slip: I was amused! Sarcasm and absurdity make Monday bearable.
Mainer
wrote on October 5 2009 @ 11:31 am: [report]
Being too honest can sometimes be a turn off. It is so easy to be completely straight forward and honest when you’re online, as oppose to talking with someone face to face where you like to leave at least a little anonymity. But online it’s so easy to just spill the beans and tell the world about the real you. But we don’t really want to know the real you. We only want to know the real you once we are already let into your life. Knowing that stuff up front is a little intimidating. We all love a little mystery, a little guess work into the inner workings. I think the bonus with ambiguity lays in the power of imagination. We’d like to think that behind closed doors you are every bit irresistible as we hope; your life is as pure and clean as the driven snow. Who we choose to let into that secrete little world of ours is the beauty of companionship. If we let everyone in then it becomes less special.
Rose
wrote on October 5 2009 @ 11:33 am: [report]
@slip, sorry to be slow to catch on - it’s Monday and I have a bad cold!
slip
wrote on October 5 2009 @ 11:36 am: [report]
I feel a new avatar coming on…
Slip
_jsw_
wrote on October 5 2009 @ 11:38 am: [report]
@slip: Just be sure to close your eyes at least. Also, remember to wash off before it dries.
Riley
wrote on October 5 2009 @ 11:40 am: [report]
@Bumbler - You talk like I don’t already pluck my eyebrows to look like sideways commas. I always look surprised.
I can’t play along past the Ed Hardy jokes; I barely have a handle on the Affliction and MMA shirts guys wear around here.
slip
wrote on October 5 2009 @ 11:40 am: [report]
@_jsw_, my eyes won’t be in the shot.
Slip
bumbler
wrote on October 5 2009 @ 11:43 am: [report]
@ Riley how did you know sideways comma eyebrows were my favorite look?! Please tell me you bleach your tips and use half a bottle of hair gel to spike it too!
_jsw_
wrote on October 5 2009 @ 11:46 am: [report]
@slip: Ah, I misinterpreted your “coming on” phrase. Which is just as well, since it would have meant you switched teams while I was away for the weekend.
Anyway, I was wondering if we could just move all the comments from this earlier The Frisky article to here. It said the same thing but was even more thorough. However, it’s good to know that the basics haven’t changed in the past three months.
slip
wrote on October 5 2009 @ 11:48 am: [report]
On a serious note, my face pic looks like a professional glamor shot. Good or bad?
Slip
Riley
wrote on October 5 2009 @ 11:48 am: [report]
@Bumbler - Please, bleached tips have been a staple of my look for years; almost as essential as spray-tans in December. It is a good thing I keep my beeper clipped to my belt; the ladies always be blowing me up.
amandabear
wrote on October 5 2009 @ 01:06 pm: [report]
Wow! I hope I can be half as cool as Pattykins when I grow up.
Amy
wrote on October 5 2009 @ 01:27 pm: [report]
As someone else said, you won’t get instant interest just by posting a pic of yourself with a child or animal. We women aren’t 1.) that easily manipulated or 2.) all the same. Also, post one that isn’t all pixel-y. Know the difference between “your” and “you’re”.
I recently communicated with a guy who kept insisting on more and more photos from me until I felt like a 4H steer. Then he started instant messange-ing me though gmail, saying boring things about his work and his dinner. Eventually I told him I’d prefer not to IM with someone I didn’t know and we should make an actual time to get together (he had alluded to doing that but hadn’t set a time). He told me that asking for a date rather than IM-ing meant I was “high maintenance”, and that was the end of that.
thickasawhaleomelette
wrote on October 5 2009 @ 02:10 pm: [report]
I love the photos of men with a random baby, cuddling a chihuahua,and/or shirtless and displaying a man bulge. If you’re doing any of those things, please don’t stop! It makes it so much easier for me to judge who to skip over while I browse.
_jsw_
wrote on October 5 2009 @ 02:23 pm: [report]
@thickasawhaleomelette: How about if the bulge in my pants is a chihuahua, poking its head out of my fly? Would that work for you?
If not, I have to go back to the photography studio, so please let me know.
JennaS
wrote on October 5 2009 @ 02:46 pm: [report]
I’ve noticed a lot of guys on PassionSearch.com following many of these steps..perhaps theyve aready read this.
NomChompsky
wrote on October 5 2009 @ 03:10 pm: [report]
I love the photos of men with a random baby, cuddling a chihuahua,and/or shirtless and displaying a man bulge. If you’re doing any of those things, please don’t stop! It makes it so much easier for me to judge who to skip over while I browse.
If a guy is picture of him shirtlessly cuddling a child while sporting a bulge, I think he has much bigger issues than whether he can properly delineate between contractions and possessives.
@thickasawhaleomelette: How about if the bulge in my pants is a chihuahua, poking its head out of my fly?
Yo quiero una belle’s taco?
bethlynn00
wrote on October 5 2009 @ 03:13 pm: [report]
Don’t assume that just because a girl responds to your ad and agrees to met you that means you will be having sex with her! Several “get to know you” emails do not equal a date and unless your posting on CL in the casual encounters or on Fling or something, most sites are suppose to be dating sites, not hookup sites! This the response I got recently from a guy on Match.com after I asked him what he wanted to do on our first “date”:
Well maybe you can come over….I’m downtown, we can meet in public if it makes you more comfortable…....and then spend the day up at my apartment…...
and up in my place…get to know each other a bit more…I wouldn’t do anything that u where NOT comfortable with..so we will see what happens…
but obviously I want ALOT to happen
xxx
I mean it gross, and this guy got stood up…
_jsw_
wrote on October 5 2009 @ 03:17 pm: [report]
@bethlynn00: I see what you mean. The “u where” and the “ALOT” are so bad that it’s difficult to want to have sex with him sight unseen. Please, people, proofread your booty-call messages!
majicksand
wrote on October 5 2009 @ 03:31 pm: [report]
Guys, please refrain from bragging about your enormous member or your spectacular sexual prowess. It’s either TMI or you’re lying. Most of us will not bother to take the time to figure out which.
bethlynn00
wrote on October 5 2009 @ 03:37 pm: [report]
@_jsw_: Don’t forget the emoticons, those are never cool, not even if all you’re looking for is a booty call.
_jsw_
wrote on October 5 2009 @ 03:41 pm: [report]
@bethlynn00: But he’s winking at you. That’s cool, isn’t it? Sort of flirty, sort of fresh?
</sarcasm>
geekmother
wrote on October 5 2009 @ 03:43 pm: [report]
And please be sure to completely cut out the ex from the picture if you’re too lazy to have new ones made. I’ve seen photos of guys with the edge of a bride’s veil still showing in the picture—or even the ends of a woman’s frizzy hair—because of a sloppy photo crop.
And what’s with the “separated” status? Who does that?
_jsw_
wrote on October 5 2009 @ 03:47 pm: [report]
@geekmother: In some states, one is either single, married, or divorced. In other states, there is a legal status of “separated”, which, if I recall correctly, essentially occurs during the time between when the papers are filed and when the divorce is finalized. I’m not saying everyone who uses that status is being truthful, but it is a recognized relationship status.
geekmother
wrote on October 5 2009 @ 03:55 pm: [report]
@jsw: You’re right about the different states. Where I live there is no legal separation, and seeing men from my area on Match.com who were separated was a red flag. Most men are seriously damaged goods for up to 2 years following a divorce—if they didn’t initiate it—and are best avoided.
_jsw_
wrote on October 5 2009 @ 04:07 pm: [report]
@geekmother: Whether or not it’s a legal term in a given state, I’d say that someone who has moved to a different residence and has filed for divorce is entitled to use that term. They clearly aren’t single or divorced, but it’s misleading to call themselves married even if that’s the legal term where they reside. And yes, divorce can mess people up for years, especially, as you said, when it wasn’t their idea.
majicksand
wrote on October 5 2009 @ 04:15 pm: [report]
@jsw and geekmother: To be fair, the end of a longterm relationship can screw people up just as badly. I’ve met recently divorced (or separated) people who were just relieved to be able to move on. I’ve also met people who were never married who will require years of therapy before they’ll be “date-worthy”. It’s all about individuals and circumstances.
_jsw_
wrote on October 5 2009 @ 04:25 pm: [report]
poco1 has been reported.
SCRMOM
wrote on October 5 2009 @ 05:19 pm: [report]
@_jsw_: Who said an old dog can’t learn new tricks? He’s not using the “copy and paste” routine from last week.
Ciao99
wrote on October 5 2009 @ 06:13 pm: [report]
Newsflash: age is kind to men and unkind to women. There will come a day when the guys, even the nerds, will have the advantage, and the women in here will be of an age where they’ll be happy that any geek responds to their dating site profile.
That said, for the younger guys, it’s really quite simple: remember that you’re trying to impress a woman, not a frat brother.
Jessalyn
wrote on October 5 2009 @ 06:18 pm: [report]
Note: anna62 has been reported.
Jessalyn
wrote on October 5 2009 @ 07:44 pm: [report]
...and so has ladydoc.
OutOfLine
wrote on October 5 2009 @ 08:26 pm: [report]
I think it’s pretty funny that poco1 is a username that would be translated to “little 1” from Spanish. Maybe that’s alluding to the micro-penis he is compensating for?
CarSexGirls
wrote on October 5 2009 @ 08:46 pm: [report]
As a REAL man, I’d like to apolgize for the decrepit, Neanderthal caveman poco1 and benlongley. I think Jessalyn’s picture is cute, and her comment very relevant. Didn’t your mothers ever tell you that if you can’t say something nice, bend over and shove your head up your anal cavity to muffle the sound? Getting back to the subject, I have posted my picture online with my 12 yr old son in it with me. Many women don’t want to take on the responsibility of raising someone else’s child. By doing this, those women can shop on over me and find someone else. My son will come first in my life, but not make all decisions relating to the relationship. It will take a special woman to take us on, but if she has a similarly-aged child, all the better!
OutOfLine
wrote on October 5 2009 @ 08:49 pm: [report]
@susu
You used the word “owned,” therefore your argument is invalid.
@carsexgirls
Most women know that all men are not like that :D No worries.
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on October 5 2009 @ 08:54 pm: [report]
@outofline: I up your ‘owned’ and bet a ‘pwned’.
thickasawhaleomelette
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 12:58 am: [report]
@_jsw_ I was pretty sure that would do it, but then I remembered: are you wearing big, bling-tastic necklaces on a chain long enough so that it’ll show up in this amazing image? I’m really hoping for a giant crucifix AND a dollar sign. Please?
Seriously though, isn’t it sometimes a good thing that people don’t do these things? Perhaps I’m overly judgmental, but it really does help me filter if a man uses horrible photos and poor grammar (I’m a librarian, word choice matters). Maybe a few of the charming men here at the Frisky could use the tips, but most often I think it’s kind of Darwinism in dating: the more fit have better displays of (social) health.
thickasawhaleomelette
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 01:00 am: [report]
steffii121 has been reported.
Frederica Bimble
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 12:26 pm: [report]
steffii121 has been reported again.
Tart and Soul
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 01:42 pm: [report]
I ran an event last year called the Man Panel, in which a panel of men answered questions from a group of women about relationships. The Online Dating Panel was most successful, not only because it featured the CEO of one of the top online dating sites. What I learned from the panel changed my views on dating this way - you have just as many successful “dates” offline as you do online. But there are definitely things to consider, avoid, and make sure you do.
Check out my blog post, “Online Dating: Help or Hindrance,” and find out what we learned from the panel:
http://tartandsoul.com/2009/02/01/the-man-panel-online-dating-a-help-or-a-hindrance/
Jitterbugs232
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 05:44 pm: [report]
I met my now boyfriend of 8 months on speed dating through facebook. I definitley recommend the last part, Don’t email forever and just make a move. I did and now I am so happy with my man <3
brandyalexander
wrote on October 7 2009 @ 02:05 pm: [report]
@amy: hopefully this was only after he had a reasonable number of pictures to look at? i know i won’t want to get to know anyone who can’t provide at least five recent pictures. what are they hiding?
@jsw and nom chompsky: you guys are crazy. and you can send me pics with chihuahuas in your pants anytime you want. i’m bored.
@bethlynn00: but smilies are so much easier than thinking…
eishavor
wrote on October 7 2009 @ 03:15 pm: [report]
This brought back plenty of bad memories from my brief stint with online dating. I identified most with “Making a Move,” although I myself was guilty of saying “You seem like an interesting person.” I would also make sure to follow that with something more specific from their profile, though.
Lord_Oure
wrote on October 8 2009 @ 06:14 pm: [report]
I´ll try some of that, then will let you know how it goes
janetc20
wrote on October 9 2009 @ 08:13 pm: [report]
@Ciao99 —not all men age gracefully. Trust me on this one.
nutmeghan
wrote on October 24 2009 @ 08:25 pm: [report]
love this article. so true!
LucilleVanPelt
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 09:43 am: [report]
I HATE when men post pictures of themselves with a “hot” girl. At least explain it’s your sister or cousin, or whatever. I get intimidated easily and if I think that’s the type of women you go form, I probably won’t even want to try talking to you.
Frederica Bimble
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 11:08 am: [report]
I expect a “dick pic” and a photo of just the guy’s torso - even better if it’s a random photo of someone else’s or one he cut and pasted from, maybe, Brad Pitt’s website….....
GladyOlus
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 11:43 am: [report]
Don’t have your shades on in all your photos! The eyes tell so much. If you never take your shades off, I think (a) you have something to hide or (b)are just trying TOO HARD to be hip, slick and cool. Both make you seem creepy. If I can’t see your eyes, I will not respond!
nom de guerre
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 04:48 pm: [report]
Honestly now, this does not apply just to guys! A lot of men out there do have higher standards (at least me) and also try to read deeper than what a person writes. Two things I’d like to say are that: 1) I have used the “Hi, how are you?” salutation to start off an e-mail, it’s a polite informal greeting to open with. Then I continue with other small facts that can lead to further communication.
2) Regarding photos, don’t use a photo that shows only your face. I’ve seen face pics that were SO close up that I could see every pimple, wrinkle and unplucked eyebrow. As if the camera was on super-duper magnification.
YDOICARE
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 11:24 pm: [report]
Regarding beer: I was holding a beer in my profile photo and it did not scare off my wife one bit. It didn’t seem to bother anybody else I met either. As long as it’s a quality (which also means sober) shot, who cares? Lighten up & be yourself!
Emailing forever: Dudettes ought to take note of this one too. This behavior is by no means limited to us dudes. I’m not a pushy or impatient type, but I got so tired of all the procrastination that I was ready to throw in the towel many times.
Another photo no-no: You with your arm around a member of the opposite gender. This does not convey a message of being very serious or very available. I have passed over many of these, regardless of looks - yes too many dudettes are guilty of this one. We all know you have male friends and that’s OK, but ...
Yet another photo no-no: Which one is you? Keep the photos solo.
Humor on the first date: Yes it helps, but don’t try too hard to be funny, forget the over-rehearsed one-liners & don’t overdo it. The best humor is spontaneous. Poor or overdone humor will have her running for the exit.
Photo do: Put your best foot forward. If you can’t find a good photo of yourself, go to a studio. It doesn’t cost that much and it’s well worth the investment. Dudettes take note here too: I saw some very poor and even strange photos during my search days. If that’s really the best you can do ...