Obsessing Over Finding Love Won’t Make It Happen Faster
Posted by: Wendy Atterberry
Filed in:
relationships
1:30PM, Thursday October 1st 2009
A lot of the letters I get for “Dear Wendy” are from people who worry they’ll never find love. “I’m 27 and still single!” they wail, or “I’m almost 30 and all my friends are married!” And while it’s certainly natural to desire love and companionship and to get a little antsy about finding it, the idea that time is running out or that one should be married or at least in a long-term committed relationship by a certain age is not only wrong, it’s potentially damaging. Yes, love is pretty wonderful. Yes, being with a committed partner can feel fantastic and safe and all those things in great movies and books. But it’s definitely not the only thing in life worth living for — hell, it doesn’t even guarantee happiness, so why not focus on things one can control and enjoy being single until Cupid points his little arrow your way?
I didn’t meet my now-husband until I was almost 30, which, according to a lot of people, is OLD to still be single, and we didn’t get married until I was almost 33 — downright ancient in some people’s minds. In my mind, though, I was ready to find love and maybe even get married, not because I felt old — I didn’t! — or that all my friends were married — they weren’t! — or that society was pressuring me to settle down — it wasn’t! I was ready because I knew what I wanted from my future and from a partner, had a pretty full and rich life that I was ready to share with someone special, and I felt prepared to make the kinds of sacrifices and compromises doing so might entail. I did things to make finding the right person easier: I made room for him in my life; I tried to be the kind of person who would attract the kind of man I was looking for; and I let my social circle know I was ready and willing to be set up. The one thing I didn’t do — or, I should say I stopped doing — was obsess about when and whether I’d ever meet Mr. Right.
It wasn’t an accident that I didn’t obsess over finding love — it was a deliberate, conscious decision I’d made months before meeting my now-husband on a blind date (giving my social circle the go-ahead to set me up worked wonders!). My 30th birthday was creeping up and I was sick of feeling like I hadn’t reached enough milestones to really celebrate it. I was tired of thinking that I — and the life I was creating for myself — wasn’t enough, and that I lacked the one, big important thing that would somehow validate everything else. And that’s when I realized it. I looked around at all my friends, most of whom were several years older and still single, and I realized I didn’t need a relationship to be happy. In fact, it was my single friends that seemed the happiest ... and I was right there with them. I thought about all the fun we had together and realized that being single was pretty great. I still hoped to find love eventually. I still wanted a relationship, but I decided until it happened (because by then it was a matter of when, not if), I was going to enjoy the hell out of my single life and take advantage of all my free time to nurture the friendships I’d grown to value so much.
I don’t think it’s a coincidence that when I re-directed my focus from finding love to living my life fully, it wasn’t long before love found me. And when it did, I have to be honest, I’d become so comfortable in my single life, I suddenly wasn’t even sure I really was ready for the kinds of sacrifices and compromises I’d have to make for it. I was tested, you see — my love was halfway across the country. And the thing I learned, the thing that bears reminding for those of you still pining for someone special, is that when love comes, it doesn’t suddenly make life easier and tie everything up in a nice, pretty bow. In fact, sometimes love — even at its very best (and when it’s good, it’s wonderful) — can tear through your world like a hurricane, shifting and reorganizing things you long-thought were settled in place. So until it happens for you (because it really is a matter of when, not if), go enjoy things exactly where you like them. You’ll be doing storm clean-up before you know it.
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SassyDaisy
wrote on October 1 2009 @ 12:43 pm: [report]
well written..‘till this day my mother is still on top of me why i’m 28yrs and not married yet. Constant pressure, until one day i made it clear to her that i will never get married so to get over it (not true, but i had to do something)..so when it happens to me, she’ll be surprised.
Raugiel
wrote on October 1 2009 @ 01:58 pm: [report]
Though I am in a long-term relationship, when the family (always extended. Thankfully my parents have never been pushy about grandkids!) gets pushy I just tell them that I am too young to get married. (My cousins who had children years ago always chime in to help my defense.)
sarahprotzman
wrote on October 1 2009 @ 03:10 pm: [report]
Second to obsessing about Mr. Right, I believe, is trying to convince yourself that Mr. Wrong can be turned into someone who’s a good fit for you. That’s something I wish I’d had the strength to realize sooner in a lot of my former “relationships.”
If it’s already not working, it probably never will. If you’re already not being treated the way you hope to be, pretending to ignore it while hoping things get better is not gonna end well. Be brave enough to be single!
Jitterbugs232
wrote on October 1 2009 @ 09:37 pm: [report]
I agree with the title, a lot of woman need to stop asking “ooh when is it going to happen” but maybe they should take control and find it themselves. That is what I did and now I am in a relationship with a guy for almost 8months and I couldn’t be happier <3
canadiancutie
wrote on October 1 2009 @ 09:45 pm: [report]
What a terrific article. I only recently learned to really enjoy the EXPERIENCE of dating and not try and force a commitment too soon or to go in with a checklist in mind, to stop shaming myself for dating around and to understand that that’s what finding yourself and finding out what qualities are actually most compatible with you in the long run is all about! Now when I meet someone, I don’t feel that urgency anymore… I genuinely WANT it to unfold gradually/naturally, and I relish that opportunity before things are committed to “taste the rainbow.” I really have no idea what the rush was before. I guess I just wanted to see how many times I could get hurt before I learned to have fun with dating and not take it too seriously.
QTKT
wrote on October 2 2009 @ 09:13 am: [report]
“In fact, sometimes love — even at its very best (and when it’s good, it’s wonderful) — can tear through your world like a hurricane, shifting and reorganizing things you long-thought were settled in place.”
I couldn’t agree more. My then boyfriend was being transferred all the way across the country. It was a major fork in the road for our relationship. We had already been talking about building a life together and marriage, but the move really set a deadline. He’s moved out there now and I’ll be following in January. In april we’ll be getting married.
megly
wrote on October 2 2009 @ 09:56 am: [report]
Ugh, I agree. I just wish it wasn’t an issue that so many people love to give you hell over. I come from a semi small town in TX, and I feel ostracized almost every day for my decision to stay single. Its rediculous, and I hate how bad they make me feel for not subscribing to their ultra conservative views.
bumbler
wrote on October 2 2009 @ 10:01 am: [report]
I wish my sister would read this article. She’s so focused on marriage and babies that she always ends up dating total losers just to be with someone.
impoddity
wrote on October 2 2009 @ 11:38 pm: [report]
My friend just had a baby a few days ago. Her parents gave me a ride home from the hospital and her dad turns around and says, “So when’s your baby comin’?” I told him 10 years. We’ve known each other for half of my life, so I didn’t take too much offence.
But when my grandmother asked me that same question a few years ago, after my cousin had an accidental pregnancy and ended up with all this baby daddy drama, all I could do was stare. But my family has always looked at me strange for wanting to go to college and waiting to have kids. I’m the ‘white sheep’ so to speak. ;P
bradanomics
wrote on October 4 2009 @ 07:08 am: [report]
I’m 28 and my mother asked me when I was going to give her grandchildren. Thing is that I’m single. And male. I responded that if she liked, I would go out and knock some girl up. She backed off.
thepattigirl
wrote on October 4 2009 @ 12:34 pm: [report]
I struggle with this daily. I am convinced that the only way I am going to maintain sanity is for God to give me an envelope with a man’s name in it and a month and year that we’re going to meet….just so I can stop dating! I think the dating is the worst part—falling for someone and then realizing that its not going to work out. To paraphrase Sex & The City: “I’ve been dating since I was 16. I’m exhausted. Where is he already?”
Yet, I know I have learned so much and each realationship is one step closer to “the one” but jeez, can a girl get a break?
I’ve met the One that I want and I think its just a matter of paitence but if I get asked one more time when I’m going to get married & give my parents some grandkids (I’m 30), I might scream.
Although, ladies, I do have a few lines that I like to spout when I’m in the right crowd. When I get asked why I’m still single, I respond with one of the following:
1. I’m just waiting for the right Suger Daddy—you know one who’s got one foot in the grave and the other on a banana peel
2. I’m trying to sleep with all the members of the Atlanta Braves, and I’ve only made it through the infield
3. Why are you still married?
4. There’s a clause in my trust fund
5. I finally figured out how to date, why would I want to give up now?
6. Mr. Right hasn’t found me yet, or worse, he’s found me and he’s seriously confused.
Obviously….I get asked this alot.
stiffinp
wrote on October 5 2009 @ 07:15 am: [report]
I should send this to my daughter. Seems like she goes through a bf every 2-4 weeks.
LassNBoots
wrote on November 11 2009 @ 11:31 pm: [report]
@ sarahprotzman
THANK YOU for reminding me that if it’s not working now, it probably never will. I’ve been obsessing over someone who won’t return my calls/texts, but calls and texts as he pleases . . . it’s just not worth it. Not now and definitely not later.