On the cover of today’s free paper AM New York is a hard-hitting headline about how the New York City Department of Health found that...wait for it… binge drinking leads to sex. Puh-lease, after ZERO drinks I’ll do the nasty! Plus, if that was all it took to get laid, I’d get hammered in morning, I’d get hammered in the evening, I’d get hammered all over this land!  According to the Health Department’s report, if you have more than five drinks in one sitting, at least once a month, you’re a big slutty drunky-drunk. [Oops. Oops again. Oops.—Editor] And by slutty, the study means you have had two to four partners a year. Whore! 

Just kidding, the government agency geeks conducting the study are clearly jealous. Now, if it was two to four partners a night, I could see their point, but seriously, there are 12 months in a year! One partner every six months, as a single woman, would make me feel like Mother Effing Theresa! Beyond that, it’s just silly that this “report” and these “statistics” have been extrapolated to support the theory that the only reason people have sex is alcohol.  Perhaps the researchers should try to get out more. I mean, honestly, why do you think people are in da club in the first place? To create world peace and cure cancer?  Heck no, everybody is looking to meet someone to screw! It’s just a shame that sometimes we also get screwed by STD’s. 

But here’s the real issue, based on the study’s findings—both Drunk Denises and Sober Sallys contribute to high rates of sex without a condom. Ay carumba, that’s the problem!  So, while you lil’ researchers recommend women only have one drink a night and never get any satisfaction, maybe you should instead recommend we always use protection.  Ladies, between yesterday’s safe-sexts and today’s stats, that’s the lesson here.  If you want to get dirty and stay clean, you’ve got to use a rubber, every time.  Now, if only the New York Department of Health would change their slogan to, “No glove, no love.” [AM New York]