Nine Signs That You’re Dating A Narcissist
Posted by: Amelia McDonell-Parry
Filed in:
relationships
2:00PM, Saturday November 29th 2008
Ever since John Edwards explained away his affair with Rielle Hunter, saying, “I started to believe that I was special and became increasing egocentric”, we’ve been thinking about how it is just SUCH a dealbreaker to date a guy who’s a narcissist. After all, who wants to end up in a bitter divorce battle like Christie Brinkley, whose ex-husband, Peter Cook, (who admitted to lying and cheating) was diagnosed as narcissistic by a court psychiatrist during their publicized divorce trial proceedings. But how do you tell if a person is a narcissist before you get caught up in their web of egocentricity? We took a look at the actual key factors in the diagnosis for narcissism and found out that a lot of women we know have the real life experience to back up the facts. All the info you need to know, after the jump…
DIAGNOSIS: Has a grandiose sense of self-importance: Exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements.
REAL LIFE: He’s in a band, or is an actor, or is a really pretentious artist. He works professionally for applause.
“The biggest narcissist I ever dated was a guy that was in a marginally successful band. Our entire relationship was focused on doing things around his show schedule – shows which I always felt pressured to attend, even though, frankly, I thought they were kind of boring. He was really into talking about his craft and had no interest in my boring day job. Loser.” —Delilah
DIAGNOSIS: Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.
REAL LIFE: His aspirations are beyond the usual daydreams. He wants and thinks he deserves the kind of lifestyle only afforded the very, very, very rich and lucky and lacks a sense of humor about the subject.
“I went on a few dates with this guy who, I swear, had this obsession with being featured in GQ someday. He was pretty successful professionally, and, in truth, the idea of him actually being in GQ wasn’t totally outrageous, but the fact that he wanted it so badly, and talked about it, was so unattractive.” —Kellie
DIAGNOSIS: Believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions).
REAL LIFE: He is very particular about the way you dress. He sees your appearance as a way to bring glory to himself.
“I dated a guy who make the most annoying and passive aggressive remarks about the outfits I would wear when we would go out, to the point where I would often change because I felt like he would be embarrassed to stand next to me if I didn’t. We did not last long, but let me tell you, a guy who thinks you look anything other than hot in whatever, isn’t worth spending time with.” —Johanna
DIAGNOSIS: Requires excessive admiration.
REAL LIFE: He overly manscapes, frequently admires his own reflection, and is constantly searching for compliments.
“My ex-boyfriend would seriously hog the bathroom mirror in the morning before work and when we were getting ready to go out. And he would constantly ask me if I liked how he looked or what he was wearing. But he always seemed to know the answer, so why was he asking?” – Jane
DIAGNOSIS: Has a sense of entitlement and unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations.
REAL LIFE: He may initiate sex, but it’ll always be about his pleasure.
“This is simple. If a guy you’re dating is always pressuring you to have sex when he wants, but never is game when you put the moves on him, he clearly is just all about himself.” – Danielle
DIAGNOSIS: Is interpersonally exploitative and takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends.
REAL LIFE: He can be absurdly charming, but his intentions are usually selfish. He’s only nice to people who can give him something and once they don’t have anything to offer, he’s over them.
“I made the mistake of dating a writer who I also assigned stories to at my job at a magazine. When I switched jobs to a magazine that was outside his area of interest, he stopped calling to ask me out. I found out later he was dating my replacement. Such a dog.” —Kendall
DIAGNOSIS: Lacks empathy and is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.
REAL LIFE: When times get tough and you need his support, he’ll run. Being there for YOU is just not in his nature.
“When my grandmother, who basically raised me, died, the guy I had been seeing for a few months very quickly went cold when I tried to lean on him for support. It’s like when our relationship stopped being all fun and games and sex, he didn’t want anything to do with me. It was really painful.” —Lisa
DIAGNOSIS: Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him.
REAL LIFE: He is constantly and condescendingly comparing himself to other men.
“My ex-boyfriend was so obsessed with comparing himself to the other men he worked with – how he made more money than them, was better than them at their jobs, how he had better taste and more connections. After a while I was, like, ‘Dude. I don’t CARE.’” —Celia
DIAGNOSIS: Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.
REAL LIFE: Treats people he considers “beneath” him badly. Snaps at waiters, doesn’t thank doormen, and never, ever, ever takes his assistant out to lunch.
“I wasn’t dating him, but a guy I assisted at a law firm has the most ridiculous lists of tasks for me: I had to have the exact same breakfast waiting for him when he came in at the exact same time every morning; I had to run the most ridiculous personal errands, and once even through a tea bag at me because he wanted it removed before I gave him his cup. He would say, ‘Jessica, I don’t DO tea bags. I’m trying to run a law firm!’ My name isn’t Jessica, by the way.” —Yasmin
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Kiki T
wrote on August 15 2008 @ 11:02 am: [report]
ha ha, this piece was funny
I don’t date narcissists, I only f’em
Sprite
wrote on August 15 2008 @ 05:02 pm: [report]
ohhh.. I could so add to your list! Good one!
Amelia
wrote on August 15 2008 @ 05:22 pm: [report]
@Sprite Add to it!
Jocelyn Nubel
wrote on August 19 2008 @ 07:40 am: [report]
love the Caravaggio image, you classy gals! this piece was so spot on. i want to make a cheat sheet with the diagnosis and its real life counterpart to keep in my wallet and use as a reference when i’m out. deal-breaker flash cards, if you will.
bunnymatic
wrote on August 19 2008 @ 08:29 am: [report]
lmao i’m printing this and keeping this for reference. kiki you rock, lol.
Budlight Lime Gal
wrote on August 19 2008 @ 09:30 am: [report]
everybody needs deal-breaker flash cards! lol good idea!
Says_Who?
wrote on August 23 2008 @ 05:45 pm: [report]
This article is focused on men, what about women with these characteristics?
I think my new girlfriend is a narcissist, but not sure I recognize the signs. Any advice?
A Guy
wrote on August 30 2008 @ 07:24 pm: [report]
Are you kidding, what women have you ever met that this list of things doesn’t apply to! Other than the empathy question, of course.
120 seconds lost
wrote on August 30 2008 @ 09:05 pm: [report]
hmmm…
Diagnosis:
Who is the shrink and how much time/info was spent on each “diagnosis”?
REAL LIFE:
Anecdotes about missed relationships. “He” may be selfish, and so may ‘She’.
Way general fluff piece.
Barb
wrote on August 30 2008 @ 09:08 pm: [report]
Another nasty narcissist trick…. they like to make themselves feel “above you” by trying to push you downwards. If he seems oddly pleased when you fail, or when you’re struggling…. if you seem to be moving into the role of “the crazy one” or “the one with the problems” in the relationship, and you’re not quite sure how or why you got there…. run like hell.
If he’s a pathological liar, he’s probably a narcissist.
If he seems like a completely different person when he’s around his friends or his business colleagues…. you don’t just feel like he’s showing a different side of himself, you actually get an odd feeling that he’s switched to a different personality…. add 20 points to his narcissist score.
Remember that narcissists can be absurdly charming at first. If he seems too good to be true, be careful.
And most important of all, TRUST YOUR INTUITION! Your heart may want to believe it’s real, your head may tell you that you don’t have any proof that there’s a problem…. but if your gut is screaming that something’s not right, LISTEN.
Glock35Gal
wrote on August 30 2008 @ 10:59 pm: [report]
My bro exhibits plenty of these characteristics, however he’s truly bound by psychopathic behavior. Being a narcissist is second nature to a true DSM-IV psycho. Didn’t Christian Bale play the perfect narcissist in “American Psycho”? I firmly believe the two diagnoses are closely related.
Rita
wrote on August 31 2008 @ 05:46 am: [report]
ALSO…....Sounds like the DSMV-IV diagnosis for Borderline Personality Disorder. Watch out for them!!
REAL HEARTBREAKERS (not to mention ego destroyers!!)
Skibum
wrote on August 31 2008 @ 10:52 am: [report]
Somehow I have ended up with Narcisstic men my whole life! I am 50+ and am still looking for a ‘nice guy’.
Listen to your gut….......if he does something that is a red flag, STOP and move on. Don’t waste so many years as I have done.
Narcissus Maximus
wrote on August 31 2008 @ 01:46 pm: [report]
I take offense to this:
1. I am in a band, and it really is more important than my girlfriend’s data entry position.
2. It’s important that she dress the part of a rock-star girlfriend because we are constantly being photographed together.
3. When I am on the cover of Rolling Stone, she won’t bitch about the late rent anymore.
4.Knowing that you are more talented than some Justin Timberlake is the only way to make it to the top.
5. Most narcissists only become the way they are because of empty egoless chicks who flock to anyone with a modicum of charisma and then have guilty soul crushing sex with them. Without chicks validating the man’s behavior, he couldn’t be a narcissist, or if he was, it wouldn’t matter because no one would pay any attention.
5. Obviously, you have all had sex with narcissists or else your panties would not be in such a bunch over this article. Narcissists must be doing something right if all of you have had torrid affairs with them.
6. You don’t like narcissists, huh? Why don’t you go down to Best Buy and have sex with a Geek Squad technician. Yeah, that’s what I thought. That beautiful guitarist from Sledgehammer starts to look a lot better by comparison
Bob
wrote on August 31 2008 @ 01:50 pm: [report]
Women can also be a narcissist. I echo the ‘run like hell’ statement above—took me 15 years to feel like I could get out safely…my kids and I moved out a year and a half ago, but it still affects me every day. I was seeing a therapist because I felt like I’d done something wrong. She summed it up by saying, “You’re a nice guy and were a sitting duck for someone like her.” Listen to your gut reaction and stay clear or get out.
Cap Fits!
wrote on August 31 2008 @ 02:56 pm: [report]
I have been dating for some months now and have been tolerating a vague feeling that something is not quite right. The kicker was when I was told “until I am committed, that is, married to you, I feel I can be with whoever”. Funny, I am expected to be exclusive. Guess what? My darling fits ALL the 8 indicia for narcissism listed above: only difference is I am the guy!
jay
wrote on August 31 2008 @ 04:02 pm: [report]
Barb is right on the nose. Three other major signposts:
1-check the parents. If one or both is narcissist, this is the deal-maker…reinforcing and confirming the other signposts.
2-If you no longer are useful to the narcissist or if they feel you have seen thru their mask, they will flush you immediately…and trash you. And use Projection. Project all the blame on you. And make you seem unworthy of their love and attention.
3-After the flush, the narcissist will then do everything to avoid a face-to-face discussion with you…for fear of being further exposed…and to leave you in doubt…as their reasoning is totally out of character with normal, balanced people.
Remember this: a narcissist can never believe in Win-Win, as they believe they are superior, even if it takes you months or years before you detect it. That is why relationships with narcissists are unhealthy…it’s always a Win-Lose situation.
Shlucky
wrote on August 31 2008 @ 04:48 pm: [report]
Wow, this article accurately describes women!
Uncle Sam
wrote on August 31 2008 @ 09:02 pm: [report]
Only a man can be a narcissist? Get real.
Cassel
wrote on September 1 2008 @ 07:47 am: [report]
“deal-breaker flash cards, if you will” Jocelyn Nubel——-GREAT IDEA!!!!!
nayzeeb
wrote on September 2 2008 @ 12:35 pm: [report]
To Narcissus Maximus. On your #6 you said “You don’t like narcissists, huh? Why don’t you go down to Best Buy and have sex with a Geek Squad technician. Yeah, that’s what I thought. That beautiful guitarist from Sledgehammer starts to look a lot better by comparison”. Actually, yes I have had sex with a “geek squad technician”, and it was the best sex I have ever had! I have had sex with musicians, and it was all about them, not us. I will take the geek any day!
ghotisgirl
wrote on November 29 2008 @ 10:46 pm: [report]
I would rather have my geek boyfriend over any other “type” of man.
fiction
wrote on November 29 2008 @ 11:39 pm: [report]
Ahahahha….
“1. I am in a band, and it really is more important than my girlfriend’s data entry position.
2. It’s important that she dress the part of a rock-star girlfriend because we are constantly being photographed together.”
hahah…Fail.
you should have continued…
“7. I’m a HUGE tool. Enormous. Like Bought-In-Bulk, Wholesale-Sized-Douchebag. Obviously I’m going to think I’m awesome.”
Or, maybe, if you have no respect for your girlfriend or what she does, you shouldn’t be dating her. Which, really, will probably be in your best interest. Sledgehammer needs all the practice time it can get, you Guitar Hero you.
ghotisgirl
wrote on November 29 2008 @ 11:45 pm: [report]
@fiction.Awesome post!Love it!
fiction
wrote on November 30 2008 @ 12:03 am: [report]
Ehhhh… I’d hold your applause- according to the above criteria, I, too, am a narcissist.
(O No! Halp!)
...at least in terms of the “DIAGNOSIS” descriptions. IMO the applications from the DIAGNOSIS to REAL LIFE are a little umm… specious?
ghotisgirl
wrote on November 30 2008 @ 12:23 am: [report]
Meh,but you don’t come off as a douche like that dude does.Your post was hilarious,his just made me cringe.I feel sorry for his girlfriend,but then again,she may be the type that is just too dumb to see how much of a douche he is.
MissChaotic
wrote on November 30 2008 @ 06:43 pm: [report]
Why do I feel like my entire dating history has been listed? Damn, you would think that people with different personality types couldn’t be one in the same…
par3
wrote on December 1 2008 @ 04:03 am: [report]
i so love that this was reposted!
only the douchiest narcissist would come on here and make us read a whole list about his personal douchy pederast self and how this article applies or doesn’t apply to him and his sappy GF… pathetic and all the while extremely good on-the-job entertainment.
Katia
wrote on December 2 2008 @ 01:14 am: [report]
Yeesh. Sounds like the last guy I was with. The problem is that they are so charming and fun in the beginning that you really don’t see their bad qualities until they screw you over. Scary. I’ll take a Geek Squad guy any day of the week before I ever get mixed up with any guy like that again. I learned my lesson well.
sexxymama
wrote on December 6 2008 @ 12:12 am: [report]
OMG! Sounds just the guy I dated briefly…always about him and never about me. He was so nice and charming, but didn’t even notice these signs until he screwed me. I wished I’d seen this earlier…
ibrand
wrote on January 29 2009 @ 02:27 pm: [report]
If you posted to this article more than twice, you might be a narcicist! —Ha!
jc
wrote on January 30 2009 @ 04:06 am: [report]
I took an grad physics course years ago, with a narcissist. The guy could NOT STAND IT when I kept getting better grades than him! I would have stopped showing him, if watching his jaw tighten, his ears flush, and that vein in his temple throb wasn’t so much fun. All over a couple lousy points on test or homework set. No narcissists DO NOT like being shown up!
@nayzeeb, ghotisgirl, and katia: where do girls like you hide? Geeks like me would love to know! My experience is that narcissists are exactly the kind of guy most women go after….
@narco-maximo: your poor girlfriend’s data-entry job is infinitely more important than your band, to alot more people. And the way to the “top” is called ‘talent’.
rdelmar
wrote on January 30 2009 @ 09:06 am: [report]
So much sophistication by this younger hipper group of posters, but also so much superficiality. It’s about substance—does the person have it or doesn’t he/she? All the rest is just neuroticism—not unheard of. You can’t handle a neurotic and his/her particular type, understandable, move on.
So my advice—use your common sense to see if the person has at least underlying good qualities, steady qualities that don’t change that you can rely on. If so, then make a cost/benefit analysis, do the good outweigh the bad? Nobody’s perfect. And it’s well known that interesting brilliant people offer a mixed bag.
Example—John Kennedy (the Pres) was so spoiled/narcissistic that he would walk away from anybody at a party that didn’t instantly entertain him. Personally, I would dump him and his type in a minute. But then, maybe others wouldn’t.
2244
wrote on July 1 2009 @ 11:35 am: [report]
Dated one… at least a compensatory narcissist. Don’t ask why I fell madly in love, should have went the other way when she harped how guys “just like her”, and how much she loves the champagne and lobster in basically her “this is how it’s going to be” speech.
She truly needed her 2 minute spiel, or the next party or networking event to get it out, almost co-dependant. She would be “that girl” that would run over everybody in a room or social situation about herself, leaving the atmosphere awkward. Or appeasing it by going out with every person she would meet, repeating it, with an absence of any empathy to anyone or anything else that may have been planned. Almost as if she didn’t have a life of her own, just this superficial presentation of one, that without it she was almost incomplete. Like dating a guy! Way to woo girl! She hung around a couple months realizing that type of atmosphere didn’t exist; as well people just didn’t care for it, we both went bonkers. A new relationship, the physical side had dried up, the ol’ want more of what you’re not getting intellectually, etc…Began to move in, became heart breaking at a minimum. Sad thing is she is truly brilliant, but after the dissertation, and when it came down to anything of depth, zippo, the more distant and separated things became, even cutting my family out of her social network in the middle of it, and me being one of those guys that will allow you to take and take on your own, and if you don’t have the conscience, empathy, or even respect to consider others or what you maybe trying to build, had no choice but to just let this one go, no matter how I felt….call me a hopeful romantic, but seeing relationships are more than a ring, the person you may come home to at the days end, or someone you occasionally put your legs up in the air for, at least for me, I’d rather be drunk dialed…where’s the passion here?, this one has been chocked up as an experience….there is all types out there, not just guys, don’t stereo it….and any good woman would have kicked me to the curb if the tables were turned, long before I did her. GO WITH YOUR GUT PEOPLE!!!! EVERY TIME!!!
Kenneth Kline
wrote on July 12 2009 @ 09:03 pm: [report]
thanks for only using men in your gender biased example
my experience has ben that there just as many if not more women that fit into this… they think they are princesses way beyond their level of attractiveness and are pretty much self centered throughout their 20s, they hit 30 and an alarm goes off and they turn into desparate nags as their ovaries begin to shrink and boobs begin to sag and wonder why nobody wants them, meanwhile guys their own age can still go younger
i’ve never managed to meet a woman in her 20s that was not stuck on herself
If this were not the case then explain the popularity of this book?
http://www.kissmytiara.com/about.html
ladies have brought all of this onto yourselves
_jsw_
wrote on July 12 2009 @ 09:22 pm: [report]
@Kenneth Kline: You must travel in the wrong circles. I’ve met plenty of non-narcissistic women in their 20s (and any other age).
hiopheve
wrote on July 13 2009 @ 05:00 am: [report]
Sorry but women always love these types of men. They say they don’t but they ALWAYS go back. “Oh my god my boyfriend always looks in the mirror, looks at other women, dreams about being in a magazine” blah blah blah and they still date guys like that. “I’m still looking for the nice guy”, no you’re not, you’re in a dream world. They complain about their “narcissist” boyfriend because they’re pissed off they can’t control their man, so they can date a more submissive guy that they can trample all over. The guy that wants to cooperate and have a balanced relationship always gets the crap end of the stick while the woman is still dating the narcissist. Dating a narcissist is also exciting for their lives because they’re thrilling people. Women are so into their own world since they’re born because guys suck up to them to get into their pants and they were their dads little princess who got everything. So they get older and bitch when they can’t get all the attention from the guy. What do you hear from differences between men and women usually? Men are attracted to good looking women and women are attracted to status and its true. How do women become attracted to a guy? It’s when he doesn’t call for 3 days, shows interests, doesn’t, shows interests, doesn’t, etc…women love that challenge, and once they have him they don’t want him anymore. Hollywood movies have been brainwashing people since the beginning with “women wanting a man to sweep them off their feet”.
Get Real
wrote on July 14 2009 @ 08:13 am: [report]
I’m in general agreement with Mr. Kline. The exaggeratedly myopic view of feel good feminist articles written by (who else!) females and bashing men for something or other, whether indicting us for crimes real or imagined or simply painting us all with a “Homer Simpson Brush” of incompetence are so telling - of the authors and those who buy that BS.
Check out the engagement rings, wedding rings and the coronations (loosely called weddings) that these women demand for their royal delusions. Why do they, how can they possibly imagine they’re worth all that!? And with only a 50/50 chance of marital success, what’s it all really worth? What is it really about? You guessed it: their ultra narcissistic princess delusions!
Puleeze! With groups like “Women who do too much” and most air headed daytime TV shows produced for women, who’s kidding who? It’s just more of that victim stuff!
Get over it!
But there’s plenty of narcissism going on in both genders so let’s just drop the finger pointing gender wars and get on with it. Trust yourself and see potential mates with the eyes of your heart.
Sweetie62
wrote on July 25 2009 @ 06:50 pm: [report]
Hmmm, some of us take longer than others to realize we’ve been had. Try 7 yrs of this sick behavior. Hey, and nice guys don’t always finish last. Once, we wake up and smell the coffee the nice guys look really nice and are a breath of fresh air and truly appreciated for their good qualities.