Mom’s Narcissism Could Be Ruining Your Love Life

Jenn27549
wrote on August 23 2009 @ 02:13 pm: [report]

Wow.  Eye-opening.  Never thought of it that way, but that is so true.

maroon
wrote on August 23 2009 @ 04:11 pm: [report]

holy crap.  this is my mother.  i don’t know if i’m just wrapping my life to fit the article in a horoscopy-type fashion, but damn, this is spot-on.  my mother has always been the ringmaster in the family, from everything like denying my dad fresh farm corn in the summer because she hates it on the cob, to telling me during my board exams my senior year of college that she wouldn’t be happy unless i got a $50k plus job right out of undergrad (impossible in my industry).  she has never been concerned with my happiness.  it’s always been about career, success, how well i care about her.  but i can see the relationship side of it too- it’s like she disapproves of ANY relationship- fling, serious, bad, fantastic, The One, etc, because it means that my success and prowess won’t be entirely attributed to her- that my support and love can come from someplace else aside from her and will be given to someone else beside her, robbing of her of her self-satisfaction with me.  is there a cure?  especially after a diagnosis 28 years in the making?

EarthGoddess
wrote on August 23 2009 @ 04:46 pm: [report]

This is SO my mother. She rules the family without a doubt. My dad always says he’s “just along for the ride” and he used to have opinions, but he’s not allowed to anymore. As an only child, I always felt tremendous pressure to fit into whatever mold she wanted me to be in. I had to get good grades, had to excel in whatever I did outside of school, had to make all the “right” choices. She honestly felt, and still feels although I am married with a family of my own, that anything and everything I did was a direct reflection of her and that anything I did wrong would put her in a bad light. However, all of my successes were celebrated to an obscene degree and she loved to parade me around when I was younger to show me off with a “Look what I did ... I made this wonderful child who did this wonderful thing” attitude, making it all about her.

She also is very house-proud and feels that her home is the envy of the neighborhood. She is constantly redecorating and yet is never satisfied with what she’s had done. She loves to entertain, and has pretty much taken over the holiday hosting duties as the oldest woman in the family since my Gram passed away, and yet plays the martyr for all the work she has to do to make everything perfect.

All of this need to be perfect has definitely effected me and how I have functioned as an adult. Like the author said, I often think “What would Mom say about this?” and I sometimes feel like I am still a rebellious teenager when I make a choice that is opposite of what she would do, almost like I still have to sneak things behind her back. Two things that have helped our relationship is that she is an excellent grandmother to my daughter ... my parents make their house like Disneyworld when she’s visiting ... and that we moved about 1.5 hours away a couple years ago. The distance has helped ease my discomfort a lot ... she’s still involved, but not on a daily basis like she was when we lived closer.

Jenn27549
wrote on August 23 2009 @ 05:22 pm: [report]

I’m also an only child, and I thought that was where all the pressure came from, because it comes from my dad a little, too (not so much now that I’m grown, but in school it was pretty bad).  My mom’s not so extreme that she doesn’t care about my happiness, but it is definitely secondary if whatever I’m choosing to do doesn’t also suit her, as well.  She’s mainly just concerned with my accomplishments and I just chalked it up to being a super-proud mom with only one child, and that she didn’t really have any accomplishments of her own besides being a good wife and mother. 

I really see it in myself and my relationships more than anything, after reading the article.  My husband is the alpha-male type who always has to be in the spotlight, and I do try and take care of him and support his goals more than my own sometimes.  He has a very strong, outgoing personality and I am more of the shy wallflower type.

writergirl
wrote on August 23 2009 @ 06:31 pm: [report]

I am not sure if this is my mother or not.  While she never was status seeking and never, ever listened (which is actually documented by my guidance counselor in my HS records after a meeting they had) she definately played the martyr—and still does—to the hilt.  I can remember being told “YOU got braces, therefore I can’t afford new shoes for me.” and various and sundry things along those lines.

She won’t give an inch on anything.  Won’t share.  She’s turned holidays into a virtual nightmare.  And since she REFUSES to play nice, I now get the priveledge of hosting every f*ing holiday.  Lucky me.  But it is the only way I can make the holidays work with my husband’s family.

She also is very fond of saying she raised idiots.  Which I obviously take exception too.  I guess we didn’t rise to her standards whatever they were.  But I have a master’s degree…so I am not sure what she was looking for.  My brother—yeah, he’s a waste—and that probably is her fault.  But you know, I’ve told her what she should do there but she wants to play the martyr, so she doesn’t.

She is a good grandmother to my son, but I’ve had to limit interaction there as well.  My dad’s been dead for almost ten years, she doesn’t really have a “life” and has refused to build one in that ten years.  So she was using my son as an outlet.  I had to curtail interaction.  She can’t spend her entire time interacting with a five year old.

She hates everyone and everything.  Judges EVERYBODY for EVERYTHING.  And is just a very hard person to like, never mind love.

I’ve been better about coming out from her shadow since I got married—something she *hates* and makes no bones about.  She’s definately not supportive if it appears my life is going to exceed hers in anyway.

So I just don’t even have conversations with her anymore beyond what she calls to tell me, and I just sit there and say “Uh huh, uh huh, uh huh.  Nice.  GOod.  Uh huh.”

What a relationship.

Coral
wrote on August 23 2009 @ 09:37 pm: [report]

@writergirl: Sounds similar to my mom. I can barely have a conversation with her either—it’s more like my mom is giving a monologue and I’m just sitting there, barely listening. And my mom judges everyone, but particularly on youth, beauty, and weight. My mom is overweight, not the most youthful person, and has gray hair. Yet, she still thinks she is better than most people. And my mom has told me countless times, ‘You have lots and lots of very nice, pretty clothes and that’s why I have old clothes’—as if it’s my fault. But never have I really considered her being narcissistic, but maybe she is.

n75nva
wrote on August 24 2009 @ 07:46 am: [report]

I took the test “Are you Narcissistic?” Well it seems I am. I scored an 18. You know I really didn’t think I was. I mean I know I like attention and have lots of confidence, but that’s all I figured it was. It’s a good thing I don’t plan on having kids, according to this article.

writergirl
wrote on August 24 2009 @ 11:31 am: [report]

@Coral—don’t think they are narcisists.  probably though, they have a martyr complex and are exceedingly judgemental.

Either way, it isn’t fun.

Joey Daytona
wrote on August 24 2009 @ 01:30 pm: [report]

After dealing w/ a former co-worked w/ Narcissistic Personality Disorder I can see how they twist things so that they show you what appears to be selflessness which si actually wrapped in selfishness…