Mind Of Man: Why Self-Love Is Sex’s Sexiest Secret
Posted by: John DeVore
Filed in:
guys
10:30AM, Wednesday June 3rd 2009
There are two types of women in the world: women who are totally comfortable with masturbation and those who are ashamed of the act. I realize there are more than two types of women in the world, so forgive my rhetorical cheat. It’s for a good cause.
I don’t know why some women are weird about pleasuring themselves. I am not, in fact, a woman. But to those who are embarrassed about it, please, think about rubbing one out for your boyfriend or husband tonight. He will love it. There are few spectacles as captivating as a woman getting herself off. It is pure sex on toast. Watching your girl squirm, growl, and hit the right buttons while you whisper dirty little secrets and improper commands is so hot, it makes my guts ache. It’s vulnerable, and intimate, and epically eye-crossing.
There was that one girlfriend who was such a master of the orgasmic arts that when she introduced her ‘rabbit’ vibrator, all I could ask was, ‘So, you’re into giant, pink Sasquatches from Mars?’
Not to mention: a woman who knows how to detonate her own “O”-bomb, is a woman who is determined to get some when she’s crunching it out with her man. Which is to say, she is more likely to bring the thunder in bed, as you both buck, bite, and claw your way to climaxes that are your birthright. Everybody has the right to orgasms that leave you flush, mildly stinky, and staring blankly at ceilings
Of course, there was that one girlfriend who was such a master of the orgasmic arts that when she introduced her “rabbit” vibrator, all I could ask was, “So, you’re into giant, pink Sasquatches from Mars?” I didn’t really tell her that, as I knew it was a big deal for her to introduce me to her toys. Eventually, I was able to wean her off the alien penis when we were together, because watching her stroke herself with the quick skill of a concert violinists fingers was so much more hypnotic.
So, lesson learned: we love it when you treat your clitoris right, preferably, in front of us, or while our mouth is on you, or when we’re inside of you, taking care of bidness. And don’t downplay the educational aspects of mutual masturbation: it is important to learn the rhythms that a person needs in order to bust the dam down and unleash that tidal wave of yes. This is all so win/win! Sexy AND enlightening!
I don’t know how to make those of you who are freaked about by this get over your complex. I mean, no pressure: you’re gorgeous, desirable, and your immediate nekkidness is respectfully requested. It’s just that I can’t wrap my head around the reasons why you won’t share that which is awesome to all parties. To dudes, masturbating, jerking off, cranking it out, choking the chicken, or whatever charming euphemism you have for it (I’m partial to “wrangling the dragon”) is just an everyday fact of life.
To dudes, masturbation is like a hobby. We do it to clear our minds, or because we’re bored, or to wake up fully, or as a reward. I recently celebrated Flag Day with a little self-love. Granted, the male orgasm pales in comparison to the erotic plastic explosives hidden deep within the female anatomy. Which is why we can pretty much tug it on command – it’s like being your own Pez candy dispenser. With porn or without, fantasizing about the woman we love or her best friend, it’s just something we do. With relish, but also, sometimes, just because it’s Tuesday.
I suppose in trying to empathize with women who are bashful about auto-buggery I could offer the only time in my life I was ever neurotic about masturbation. I was raised a pretty devout Catholic, and self-gratification caused my first ideological schism with my faith. It was the beginning of John DeVore’s Great Personal Reformation, the first of many issue-oriented breaks with my church. Pretty much from the get-go I knew masturbation was a no-no. And I swear I am not making this up, but I would pray for forgiveness after every instance of adolescent self-discovery. Crank it, pray and swear never to do it again, repeat. Sometimes three times a day. I was, and remain, a libidinous little perv. I pleaded for moral pardon, but eventually there came the point where I drew a line in the philosophical and theological sand and declared to the cosmos, “This is awesome. Clearly, Morgan Freeman wants me to continue doing this.” Even at the young age of 14, I possessed the analytical acumen so many of you have come to know and, in some cases, tolerate. That’s my brief flirtation with guilt regarding an activity that is so personal, so human, and so much fun.
That’s my overshare this week. No doubt I will regret it tomorrow. Thank you and have a great day.
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Kiki T
wrote on June 3 2009 @ 10:38 am: [report]
Amen. I do think if you don’t know how to get yourself off as a lady, it hinders your sex life. If you don’t know your own body, how can you expect anyone else to? It’s like renting versus owning—once you have the deed in your hands, it’s power…and with that said, as a Scorpio, that is essential in getting off!!!
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on June 3 2009 @ 10:47 am: [report]
I agree, nothing is hotter then this.
newmakcity
wrote on June 3 2009 @ 10:53 am: [report]
This is the issue my friends and I have with masturbating in front of men: when we get ourselves off it’s 1000 times better than when a guy gets us off and we’re worried about the male ego being crushed upon finding this out.
bogart4017
wrote on June 3 2009 @ 11:03 am: [report]
I may have asked this before but what should one think of a woman over 50 who has never pleasured herself before? She just says mind over matter and goes on about her business.
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on June 3 2009 @ 11:06 am: [report]
@bogart4017: I’d say the same thing to someone who has never had chocolate…you don’t know what you’ve been missing.
Muttface
wrote on June 3 2009 @ 11:18 am: [report]
@John DeVore: “I recently celebrated flag day with a little self love.” Why don’t you just place an American flag on your porch you freakin communist. Thats like celebrating secretary appreciation day by giving your mom a valentines card.
PS
wrote on June 3 2009 @ 11:21 am: [report]
I’m taking this column to bed with me
bogart4017
wrote on June 3 2009 @ 11:22 am: [report]
@CheeeEEEEse…what i mean is isnt it…odd?
Jessica
wrote on June 3 2009 @ 11:25 am: [report]
@newmakcity re: self-love in front of men Seriously?! Men go WILD when you masturbate yourself to orgasm in front of them, especially if your orgasms are more intense. They like to watch! I wouldn’t worry about their egos so much; even if they are “jealous,” I’m sure they understand vibrators and fingers are two different things.
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on June 3 2009 @ 11:25 am: [report]
@bogart4017: I register my response in the affirmative.
EastCoastMale
wrote on June 3 2009 @ 11:52 am: [report]
@newmak
I would have to partly agree with Jessica in that, some men like it and some dont but we all pretty much know that you can provide a better orgasm to yourself than we can for you. A guys feelings would only be hurt possibly if you seemed to be excluding him totally before or after that self love, as long as he is involved sometimes during the lovemaking I think he would be fine.
Most men know that its a simple fact, each individual can provide a better self love orgasm usually than their partner provides, and I know I will get looks for this but I think the same goes with the reverse situation. A woman trying to please a man in whatever fashion may get him off but not necessarily as well as he could have.
So Jess in right in that some men like to watch, some think its hot, so dont be ashamed and embrace your sexuality. Even if you want to get yourself a little warmed up beforehand, that way you get a lovely orgasm and their feelings arent hurt and you are still randy when they see you.=)
kristy1584
wrote on June 3 2009 @ 12:00 pm: [report]
Id have to disagree with the statement that a woman giving herself an orgasm is better than a man doing it for her. If the man knows what hes doing and knows what I like, he can def give me a more intense orgasm that I give myself. I personally prefer to have an orgasm during sex that just by masturbating. It feels SO much more intense to me. Call me crazy. Idk. I dont have a problem masturbating in front of a guy Im dating either. Doesnt bother me at all. Bc when hes not around Im gonna be doing it on a daily basis anyway. So why not let him get the thrill of watching?
lilrockgoddess4u
wrote on June 3 2009 @ 12:26 pm: [report]
@John DeVore: FYI Flag Day is June 14 so you “celebrated” a little early lol!
MoonBabye
wrote on June 3 2009 @ 12:28 pm: [report]
I’ve managed to date the ones who feel hurt/useless when I click my own mouse. Something I’ve always wanted to do but haven’t had the chance to. Also, it feels really weird having someone use your vib on you. I’m kinda with Kristy though…mostly because, I know when I hit that peak, I’m going to stop going because well…nerves need to regroup. However, I tend to have stronger releases with a partner because they’re willing to push me past that peak. It all feels hella good in the end.
John DeVore
wrote on June 3 2009 @ 12:33 pm: [report]
@lilrockroddess4u Maybe it was Arbor Day then. Presidents Day?
misspixie
wrote on June 3 2009 @ 01:00 pm: [report]
I feel exactly the same way as Kristy - I definitely have much more intense orgasms when it’s a guy who knows what he’s doing to me - also I am quite lucky in that I pretty much can orgasm each time from penetrative sex, so I’m not too bothered. I actually would feel self conscious getting myself off in front of a guy. I’d rather he joined in. xxx
Helixbill
wrote on June 3 2009 @ 01:00 pm: [report]
I think it is hot and gives a man a chance to see what the woman really likes. And when she is through I can reciprocate and let her watch.
misspixie
wrote on June 3 2009 @ 01:01 pm: [report]
ps: John DeVore - your columns make me laugh out loud. Excellent stuff! xxxx
vonnegutsasshole
wrote on June 3 2009 @ 01:36 pm: [report]
I think you forget something important: watching a dude masturbate is, for most women, pretty gross. It’s not that we have any shame in our own acts or find the concept of male masturbation to be obscene, we just don’t really want to see it and therefore see no reason why a man would want to see us rub one out.
By the way, you should check out the work of Shalom Auslander.
EastCoastMale
wrote on June 3 2009 @ 01:44 pm: [report]
@moonbabe
I think you are right in the sense that not all men are into using a womans favorite toy on her or watching her pleasure herself as opposed to actually joining in, I happen to be one of those people. I am all for watching certain things but that one doesnt really do it for me for some reason. I am much more into mutual experiences that are more hands on. =)
lilrockgoddess4u
wrote on June 3 2009 @ 01:45 pm: [report]
@John DeVore You must be thinking of Memorial Day which looks like Flag day since there are flags everywhere.
writergirl
wrote on June 3 2009 @ 02:17 pm: [report]
I’m with Kristy and MoonBaby on this one and for the same reasons….
roastchicken
wrote on June 3 2009 @ 03:27 pm: [report]
WTF?? I love watching men masturbate! Call me crazy, but I love to see the way a man handles his joystick. It’s sexy as hell! I love penis, I don’t think there’s much that grosses me out about them. Except for the weird looking ones. Ew.
Anyway, I just had to get that out. My sister is DEFINITELY the type of woman that believes that self love, in either sex is absolutely disgusting. That surprised the hell out of me when I heard her say that. I even began to question whether or not she was adopted. But for some reason, when I bring up the topic of masturbation in front of our other girl friends, she claims she never said that. What a load of crap. I think she’s a little ashamed of admitting that she’s in the minority of where she stands on the topic. I think she needs to get over it, but sadly I don’t think she ever will.
As far as double clicking my mouse in front of a guy goes, I’ve tried it once, but felt too self conscious about it to get off. It’s not something I want to do in front of someone else. It’s waaay too private of an act to be a spectator sport.
SpecialK
wrote on June 3 2009 @ 04:15 pm: [report]
John DeVore - Please allow yourself to be cloned when it becomes possible. I Love You more with every post~~!
flooze
wrote on June 3 2009 @ 09:04 pm: [report]
Holdup, “vonnegut..etc” I love to see a guy handle himself. It’s soooo hot! And really sweet, and intimate sometimes. It just depends. Don’t speak for “most women” please.
roastchicken
wrote on June 3 2009 @ 09:30 pm: [report]
@ flooze: I couldn’t have said it better myself. I TOTALLY agree.
retro chic
wrote on June 3 2009 @ 11:28 pm: [report]
John, “pure sex on toast.” heehee. You can make even the most mundane and banal sound hot… and the outrageous, sound like yummy comfort food! Speaking of, you use a lot of food refs, so I know you’re truly sensual, not just a “libidinous perv.” Love your writing [smacking lips].
Probably the good boy—no, bad boy—no, good Catholic boy in you launched career yanking like for so many with religious backgrounds. I’ve known a few holy yankers—some that have broken ranks with the church, others not (lotsa guilt, too bad).
But I *love* watching and being watched. Everyone in the room (just we two that I know about) benefits from the auto-O. It’s still sharing, esp, if it’s someone you’ve been with a long time, it adds to—not replaces—any other mutual/coital activity. It’s about trust and allowing someone else into your secret garden, and you into theirs. The extra joy knowing you gave someone that kind of visual pleasure. And I *totally* dig on watching him 100%. When it’s really comfortable, sometimes it’s like 2 little kids playing in their sandbox, but with better “toys.” Body parts only, that is, nothing battery-operated.
deej
wrote on June 4 2009 @ 09:17 am: [report]
So, this touches on my personal “kink”. I love masturbation - alone, watching someone, doing it to someone, having it done to me. Fast & furious or slow & leisurely. Leading up to much-more-involved sex or in-and-of-itself. Edging or just to get some relief. Love it, love it, love it!
Like many things in life, it can be very private, very intimate, or very casual and openly shared. I love doing it with my wife (and previous lovers), and have only once done it with a friend. But I still fantasize about having a friend or friends that it could be shared openly (I’m in an open marriage). I find it odd that it’s still such a taboo topic, even with more sexually open people. But perhaps that’s why it’s such a turn-on for me, that it is considered so private. Yet, I’ve never understood why we can share almost everything with our friends - eating, drinking, going to the bathroom, our feelings, getting drunk (and even vomiting), even sharing a bed if need be - but we can’t share masturbation? We all do it (or should), it’s safe, fun, and all the studies show that it’s hugely beneficial to our health!
I implore everyone to consider sharing that part of yourself with your mate/lover, and even with your friends if you’re daring enough. You might learn something about yourself and the other person(s), and hell, you might even have some fun! And ladies, if you can’t share that with your man, then don’t expect him to share his most intimate feelings.
pornqueen
wrote on June 4 2009 @ 09:44 am: [report]
I luv, luv, luv watching a guy jerk off. Turns me on big time. And I luv the guy watching me. It’s also true that if a woman can provide self satisfaction, odds are she knows how to make it happen with her man. The intensity of the Os, in my case vary, you know it depends on the mood. If we’re in the mood for self satisfaction then I play with myself and he plays with himself. Other times he watches or I watch. It comes down to how horny we are or I am. Hard to explain. But so enjoyable, mmm….
EastCoastMale
wrote on June 4 2009 @ 09:52 am: [report]
pornqueen, good summarization of what most people may feel who are into being watching or watching their partner. Sometimes you feel like it, sometimes you dont and other times….well..you know
wild-ting
wrote on June 4 2009 @ 09:54 am: [report]
I love me. I love me often. I love you to love me and I LOVE to love you. Mutual love…never tried it but I am game.
Mmmmm self-love is grand.
wild-ting
wrote on June 4 2009 @ 09:57 am: [report]
I agree with newmakcity that when we (or at least I) get myself off it is better than when even my best lover gets me off. However, I am not concerned with the male ego, that’s his problem. I like my lover to request this of me cuz it’s HAWT!!
jillorr
wrote on June 4 2009 @ 02:28 pm: [report]
“it’s like being your own Pez candy dispenser”...I am so stealing that line. Freaking hilarious!!
Nefret
wrote on June 5 2009 @ 03:17 pm: [report]
For me it usually comes down to timing - my sweetie can and does get me off every time but I am very sensitive to changes in pressure and rhythm so it always takes longer. But if we’re in a time crunch I can get the job done super quick and he enjoys the show. Win win!
Symian
wrote on June 9 2009 @ 03:36 pm: [report]
Unfortunatly, many parents don’t take the time to educate thier children about sex with other people, let alone explain that it’s ok to enjoy your own body with or without someone else being there. It also doesn’t help when a man makes you feel like your is for his enjoyment and not your own. And then there’s also the possibility that maybe some women don’t feel like they should have to display thier personal hobbies to anyone else.
HARDER
wrote on June 9 2009 @ 11:58 pm: [report]
This is a bit of a conundrum.My current boyfriend got me started on toys.I wanted it to just be him.He said i should explore myself.After a couple times of doing it in front of him i was comfortable.However,our lovelife has somewhat diminished ( not to my liking) and i’ve become more dependent on my FRIENDS.Since this has happened i’ve become somewhat ashamed because when i do pleasure myself he laughs or makes vicious remarks.And personally i think its messed up that we’ve been together so long and the only time i get pleasured is if i do it myself.There are people i’d love to masturbate in front of.I think it’d be so hot,kinky,and erotic to have someone watch me do it.So much so that i have a desire to just open my door and let anyone walking past see.But due to my unfortunate experience it might be some time before i do.
DancingGeek
wrote on August 10 2009 @ 07:15 pm: [report]
JD another fabulous, sexy article!
I don’t think the masturbation O’s are necessarily better, just different. I love being with someone skin to skin, kissing and touching certainly intensifies the O, but then knowing exactly what to do to get yourself off can be incredibly intense as well (and yes, faster).
So many holidays, so little time
CrimsonRose
wrote on August 12 2009 @ 02:04 pm: [report]
Symian, I can definitely relate. After being in an couple of abusive / borderline abusive relationships, I definitely feel as if my body is for my man’s pleasure. All the joy is stripped out of masturbation because I feel so guilty for not being with him. That said, it would be nice if he asked to watch me
Iammina
wrote on August 28 2009 @ 07:32 pm: [report]
It was the invention of those damn hand held shower massage things. A girl can have four mind blowing O’s in less than fifteen minutes. Self stimulation is a private thing but human contact is still 101% better than anything else. I love the male body and there is nothing that can replace the warmth, the touching, or the kissing of another person. I don’t want to watch my man touching himself, that is my job and I am jealous. I don’t want to know about it either. Perhaps I am insecure, I don’t know, maybe the hand is better than me? Somehow, I would feel like he is cheating.