Mind Of Man: When It Comes To Love, Chill Out

Posted by: John DeVore Filed in: guys
11:00AM, Thursday February 19th 2009

Comments (34)

Guy's Opinion On The First Three Months Of Dating

As I see it, there should be no discussion of a relationship, or exclusivity, within the first three months of dating. Those three months should be a drama and ultimatum-free zone. No jealousy or commitment. Just a period of savoring; the gritty, totally worth it hard work can come later. Save it, potentially, for the rest of your life.

If something works between two people, then there is no rush. That “click” will still be there in three months, and hopefully six, and a year, etc. And once you find that unlucky slob who will Eskimo kiss you when you’re sick, all you have to do in order to preserve your new found mutual attraction is to chill the f**k out, have faith, and not flinch. Let it happen.

What’s more important, your insecurity and ADD or being in a relationship with the person you’re currently hanging out with? Give into what is instead of what could or should be. Sometimes doing nothing is better than doing too much, or too little.

When, exactly, does a relationship go from hot, sticky hooking up and dating casually, to full on, ZOMG

<3's 4 Eva, boyfriend-girlfriend action? Ideally, after thee months of gauzy, dopey bliss you wake up together one day in a tangle of limbs, and one of you says, "Are you banging anyone else?" The answer is "no," the other asks the same question, and the answer is also "no." There's an awkward pause that turns into a silent, deadly serious giggle and then someone says, "Let's institutionalize this s**t." Then, WAFFLES!

But we're all too insecure and impatient to let things happen, to take a risk and gamble, because love is like any jackpot, it either happens or it doesn't. If it were a mathematical equation, it would be Chemistry + Timing = Love. You go out on a date, cross your fingers, and if there's a little bit of a current, like licking a battery, the date ends happily, you high-five yourself and proceed to repeat this minor victory all over again, as soon as possible, but not too soon because there's no need to come off as desperate.

Then again, it might not work out. Maybe it's because you pushed too hard, too quickly because that's ADD for you, or were to eager to check "GET BOYFRIEND" off your long, ridiculous list of life goals, or your insecurities took over and turned you into a slobbering nag goblin. Or maybe he just vanished, and pushed you away because he's convinced that at any moment, Jessica Alba was going to deliver potato skins and coo, "Yours is the beer belly I've been dreaming about all my life."

I have two friends who are currently experiencing this dilemma. One is a chick, and one is a dude. It is a testament to gender equality than more and more, men and women are being douche-tools in exactly the same way. Women are becoming more commitment phobic, finding security in the cheap validation of sexual conquest, and men are becoming more emotionally needy, burying their snouts in pints of Haagen Daaz while manically checking to see if she texted back.

Both of my friends are a few chapters into what they both hope is a big, throbbing heart of a romance novel that ends with both of them old, in rocking chairs, telling dirty jokes and reminiscing about that time, in the club, when he had to quickly stuff her panties into his pocket. They both deserve this, in my view. She was dumped by a prince who, when kissed enough times, turned into a nasty little troll prone to ironic beer bong and flashing the double-guns. He was dumped by a bossy Bob Villa in a dress who saw him as an endless fixer upper, a man comprised of nothing but flaws who didn't need to be saved, but rebuilt.

They had their sloppy, make-out rebounds, their hopeless lonely nights; euphoric "free at last!" moments, followed by more hopeless lonely nights. She, improbably, met him online, apparently finding the one single male who isn't a married Lothario way past his prime with a cellphone full of pictures of his junk. He drank a second beer, and, improbably, strolled over to her at a party and was confidant, openhearted, and attentive. Good job, y'all.

They've had the hours long phone calls, the belly laughing in public over an instantly conceived inside joke, that shockingly vulnerable, time-stopping moment two people realize they do, indeed, fit. But now, the dilemma. When are they both girlfriend and boyfriend, and vice versa? I'll tell you when. Whenever the hell it happens, it happens. Chill out. Think of the next three months as a stress-free, Zen-like cocoon where you both close your eyes, and inhale each others' intoxicating molecules.

What's more important, your insecurity and ADD or being in a relationship with the person you're currently hanging out with? Give into what

is instead of what could or should be. Sometimes doing nothing is better than doing too much, or too little.

I’ve said before in this column that sometimes, where love is concerned, there are no rules. Sometimes the much vaunted dos and don’ts of relationship experts just don’t apply, because two people randomly crash like subatomic particles in a super-collider, exploded, and made pretty, glittering stardust. Love is more improvisation than calculation. If you’ve found instant, miraculous co-dependence with someone, then do it. Go with it. But would that love be diminished or the quality of the relationship be compromised if you took the first three months just to be sure?

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Tags: dating, mind of man, what men think, relationship advice, dating advice, john devore

Comments (34)

comments

simona
wrote on February 19 2009 @ 11:18 am: [report]

Everything that comes out of this man’s mouth - er, fingertips - is genius. I wish I read this article last year when I was in a period of “but we obviously LIKE each other - how long do I have to wait?! I hate waiting!”...ness. I cringe at how desperate/needy I came across.

Thanks, John.

WinkyFace
wrote on February 19 2009 @ 11:21 am: [report]

I’ve been trying to emphasize this to one of my friends for years! She’s always so eager to drop the L bomb and start fantasizing about the wedding and the white picket fence. Chill the eff out! It’s awesome to hear these words coming from a dude. Kudos.

Bella
wrote on February 19 2009 @ 12:08 pm: [report]

Thank you, thank you, thank you! I’m just nearing the end of the 3 month period (and would like to keep it drama-free). I almost let jealousy rear it’s ugly head (his “bestfriend” is an ex-girlfriend who asserts herself suddenly when I’m around).

lilo
wrote on February 19 2009 @ 12:31 pm: [report]

John, are you this wise in your own relationships? I hope so. Very helpful advice.

Little Lamb
wrote on February 19 2009 @ 12:51 pm: [report]

I would feel uncomfortable waiting until after we sex to make sure there were no other sexual partners with someone with whom I even considering having an exclusive relationship.

Am I really that far off base???

scooch
wrote on February 19 2009 @ 01:08 pm: [report]

If you are a woman looking for a real relationship - not just casual dating or a sad little hookup - don’t sleep with a guy until you have a ring on your finger. It’s called Oxytocin Bonding, girls. Google it - we have it, men don’t. Trust me, they don’t buy the cow when they’re getting the milk for free. And a man who truly loves and respects you is willing to wait, no questions asked. Waiting makes you certain of the reason you believe you love this man while sex only confuses the issue and bonds you to someone who isn’t right for you.

Humble Bee
wrote on February 19 2009 @ 01:48 pm: [report]

Scooch, I guess that’s only if you want to get married (Which I don’t) even then, If I were to marry anyone, I’d like to know how he is in bed, not get married and THEN find out, sex is part of a relationship too. (IMHO)

As for John, great article. I always end up with needy guys, and I just tell them to chill take things day by day, but they automatically want me to be their girlfriend so they can kind of “claim” me, which bugs the sh*t outta me. Why can’t we just f*ck and be cool?

Lynn
wrote on February 19 2009 @ 02:57 pm: [report]

LaceyAM - I was thinking the same thing. If a guy doesn’t want a commitment early on, that’s fine. I usually prefer it. But no way am I going to have sex with a man who might be having sex with someone else. I’d like to keep myself AIDS-free!

scooch - do you mean oxycotin? Also, “Trust me, they don’t buy the cow when they’re getting the milk for free” couldn’t be more wrong. Do you really thing that everyone who gets married has never had sex before? Do you really think those guys are only marrying those women to get the “milk”? Most couples these days have sex a LOT before they’re married. And I’m in no way saying that you should have sex before you’re married if you don’t want to, I just think that’s a poor argument because if you just look around at all of the people getting married in this country, the great majority aren’t saving themselves for marriage.

Humble Bee - I totally agree. Sex is too important for me to wait until AFTER I’ve made a lifelong commitment to figure out that the sexytime isn’t good!

AnonyMISS
wrote on February 19 2009 @ 03:15 pm: [report]

@ schooch

actually men also have the oxytocin hormone. “google it.”

bella7623
wrote on February 19 2009 @ 03:21 pm: [report]

I repeat…..SIGH. I LOVE YOU JOHN DEVORE.

Lynn
wrote on February 19 2009 @ 05:55 pm: [report]

well, sorry schooch, I did google oxytocin and apparently it’s real. I had no idea. You learn something new every day!

Chelle
wrote on February 20 2009 @ 08:40 am: [report]

I totally agree with letting things fall into place naturally. If either person feels rushed, it might scare them away from something that could’ve been special. This article does contradict itself though. He says there are no rules but one should wait at least three months. I don’t think there should be a specific waiting period. If two people both feel they’re ready to be in a relationship with each other then they should just go ahead. There’s a difference between waiting until you’re ready and procrastinating.

Erin G
wrote on February 20 2009 @ 12:44 pm: [report]

Dear John DeVore, may I please clone you? Thanks, Erin.

pasted
wrote on February 20 2009 @ 01:12 pm: [report]

@Chelle; I was thinking the same thing (about the contradiction, and the ‘just going with it’ points) as I read this one.

Overall though, the sentiment is right on!

beans13
wrote on February 20 2009 @ 07:26 pm: [report]

I’m not quite sure what to say, except a man who treated me in any way similar to what’s described above would get kicked to the curb before he could get one foot in his pants. I agree that saying “love” in the first three months is weird. And crazy. Don’t do it.

But do we really have such low expectations of people that we can’t give someone with whom we have a spark three months of exclusivity to see if it works? Really? Can’t put the #&@$% buddy on hold for just a little while?

That guy or girl is totally not worth your time.

searchingwithin
wrote on February 21 2009 @ 12:25 pm: [report]

I have to agree with this. It takes at least that long to begin to get to know someone, and why would you want to consider being exclusive with someone, before having an idea that they are willing and able to fulfill your needs.

~Best Wishes~

Pamela
wrote on February 21 2009 @ 01:17 pm: [report]

this thing you’re describing of the three months free-zone of stress and complaints sounds a lot like a thing we have in mexico called: quedando. when someone sayd “Estoy quedando con ella” it means the guy and girl are going out very often and are almost exclusive, and its usually after two-four months that the guy asks the girl if she would like to be his girlfriend 8-)
same thing, different name

aunatural
wrote on February 21 2009 @ 02:07 pm: [report]

Thanks John for the good advise. My favorite part, “Now chill the f**k out!” Now get busy writing your book.

Isabela Laval
wrote on February 21 2009 @ 05:53 pm: [report]

Sad. I wish the title didn’t have to be edited. I liked the “Chill the f*** out!”

sunny5872
wrote on February 21 2009 @ 11:56 pm: [report]

Best advice ever! I have been in a 8 month relationship now (one of my longest yet, yep not much of a commiter) and this is how our relationship started. I think if you want someone to love you for the way you are, you need to give them time to get to know you. Then the two of you can make logical decisions on what you want from the relationship.

Jessica Bartlett
wrote on February 23 2009 @ 10:51 am: [report]

I cannot disagree more with this. Three months of no-commitment sex is what MEN want, not women. If I sleep with someone I am dating, I expect that he’s not sleeping with anyone else. That isn’t pushing; it’s sane and normal. I agree that there’s no need to bust out the boyfriend/girlfriend terminology on date three, but banging whomever you want for three months just to make sure if the person you’re dating is worthy of getting 100 percent of your attention is about as indiscriminating and cowardly as it gets. Let’s all hold ourselves to higher standards than this.

retro chic
wrote on February 23 2009 @ 12:22 pm: [report]

“beans13” and “Jess” sound like the happy medium between “scooch the bond girl” and “article-john”—the real ADD projecter. Remember girls, we have the V-chip—they want it. Use it to focus on your ultimate wishes and needs—not on his minute-to-minute, blow-by-blow idea of romance.

C.B.
wrote on February 23 2009 @ 10:02 pm: [report]

i see no reason to approach a relationship any other way then the way you mentioned. i’ve been commonly referred to a “guy” by all of my girl friends because that’s the mentality i have. the whole equality between men and woman is actually within reach. it’s becoming an epidemic women are no longer scared to take chances on their own agenda and are finding more efficient ways to protect themselves where as men are delving deeper into relationships earlier and earlier on. maybe we’ll all agree on what page to be on at what point in the relationship, ‘till then we can only do what’s best for ourselves individually.

0rion
wrote on February 24 2009 @ 06:00 pm: [report]

“Trust me, they don’t buy the cow when they’re getting the milk for free. And a man who truly loves and respects you is willing to wait, no questions asked.”

I’m sorry scooch, but I think your living in a different world then the rest of us, a very delusional world.

To further the silly metaphor usage: You don’t buy a car without test driving it first. I believe that applies to both men and women. Besides, I was with my wife for 5 years and some change before we got married…that would have been an intensely long dry spell. I like to think I’m a pretty good guy, but not 5 years good…that guy dosent exist, hell I’d be shocked if that girl existed.

CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on February 24 2009 @ 10:45 pm: [report]

Yes, I happen to relate with Orion the god here on this one. Despite what the statistics say sex before marriage is ultimately quite high.

I would like to make the point though if the guy really hasn’t had sex before meeting you (Ultimately impossible to prove), and he is in his 20’s, perhaps he really isn’t interested in pursuing sex. Hey, that’s where I fall, however I am atypical and weird.

retro chic
wrote on February 25 2009 @ 06:01 am: [report]

Test drive… yes. Should that be limited to sex only? What about tax records and dating history. Kinda like a carfax for dating. Bring it.

CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on February 25 2009 @ 10:03 am: [report]

Car fax for dating. I love it!

<——-1 new low miles guy, only 23!!!!! No rattles, clean title!!! CHEAP!

retro chic
wrote on February 25 2009 @ 02:33 pm: [report]

Don’t forget the blood tests, too, babe. Gotta know what’s under the hood.

kristy1584
wrote on March 3 2009 @ 02:19 pm: [report]

Ok, I get the whole waiting until the relationship happens, but I was with a guy for 16 months and no relationship. He would not commit. What do you do in that case? I told him he had to decide if I was worth it or not and let me know when he did. I didnt say one more word about it. After about 10 mins he decided I was worth it. Im just not understanding though why it took 16 months for him to get to that step? Men are confusing.

toyen
wrote on March 5 2009 @ 03:29 pm: [report]

@Jessica Bartlett—totally agree with you.

This couldn’t have come at a better time… I’ve been in a bit of a quandary lately. I’ve been a serial monogamist most of my adult life, so this is totally new territory for me.

Met a guy, liked him, had amazing chemistry, and well, one thing led to another and we spent the night. AFTER that, he confessed a week later that he’s seeing someone else in another city and just wants to date for a bit, then ultimately make a decision. We’ve only been dating a month. Is it ok for him to sleep with both women at once? It feels like such a player-like thing to me, and I now feel like I am in some weird competition (for some guy, that after all this came out, is probably not as great as I thought he was).

I can’t fathom sleeping with two different people at once because that just opens up all sorts of issues I am not comfortable with. So going forward, I think the dating—for the initial period of however long until exclusivity (3 months or whatever) = no sex. I’ve just never had this problem before. If we ended up sleeping together it turned into an exclusive relationship quickly.

Are other people ok dating when the other person and/or you are both sleeping with other people?

bethylane
wrote on June 16 2009 @ 12:52 pm: [report]

(Delayed response—I’m in love w/ all Mind of Man articles now, and I’m bored at work so I’m reading them all!!)

@retro chic:
“Remember girls, we have the V-chip—they want it. Use it to focus on your ultimate wishes and needs—not on his minute-to-minute, blow-by-blow idea of romance.”

I have to disagree with this. I think it’s really foul of women to “use” their “V-chips” to their advantage. If you’re using your vaagiiiinnnnaaaa (ooh, aah) to get something that you want out of a man, no matter what it is, how is that not similar to prostituting yourself??

“This businessman is single and foxy. I will dangle myself in front of him but remain unattainable until he agrees to __(x)__.”

Contrary to popular feminist belief, men are not dogs. At least, not most of them.

It’s on both sides, and in my opinion, women who use their bodies and sexuality as a weapon are just that: dangerous weapons, to be avoided at all costs. Get real.

bbpickles
wrote on June 16 2009 @ 01:16 pm: [report]

Thank you, thank you, thank you! It is sooo true, and perfect timing for me! I am trying to deal with this right now, I’ve never been in this position before and it is so frustrating.
Everyone has something to say about relationships and it makes people crazy, I know it makes me crazy!

@SL- I am in kind of the same situation, he says he isn’t sleeping with anyone else, but just isn’t ready to be in a “relationship” right now! I am sooooo not comfortable sleeping with more than one person at a time, nor am I comfortable with my guy sleeping with other people!