Mind Of Man: What’s Going On In Our Heads After A Breakup
Posted by: John DeVore
Filed in:
guys
11:00AM, Thursday November 20th 2008
A certain woman in my life wants to know what guys are thinking when a breakup goes down. So here it goes. We think about beer. And drinking it. And how drinking said beer will help us get lucky with the la-a-dies. The ladies with the righteous hoots.
Alright, fine. That was a sweeping gender generalization. A crude, cheap oversimplification of the masculine condition… But that doesn’t stop it from being true.
If we dump you, chances are we’re thinking about everything but the woman we just parted romantic ways with. We’re thinking about the other women we want to see naked, or bratwursts at Sunday’s game, or rocking Xbox sans pants.
When you dump us, we either think that you’re a succubus-tramp, or we think about how much we want to ferociously screw/make tender love to you one last, bittersweet time. Actually, we’re probably thinking both. Since we all have the same basic emotions, we’re probably all heartbroken and busted up and angry.
If the breakup is mutual… Well, let’s be honest. No breakup is “mutual.” That’s a pity term. There is no such thing as a 50/50 breakup. The best you’ll get is a 51/49 breakup—somebody always wants it a little more than the other. The term “mutual breakup” roughly translates into “we don’t viciously hate each other publicly, at least not yet.”
But if we dump you, chances are we’re thinking about everything but the woman we just parted romantic ways with. We’re thinking about the other women we want to see naked, or bratwursts at Sunday’s game, or rocking Xbox sans pants. Yet again, since we all share the same spectrum of passions, we’re probably relieved that we escaped a bear trap without our paw is intact, and are slightly guilty.
Got it?
When I was asked pointedly by my she-dude friend [Hi.—Editor] what guys are thinking when a breakup happens, I knew it was a loaded question. The real question she wanted to ask is, “Why don’t guys talk about what they’re thinking when they breakup, either to friends or to the woman wronged?”
Because we don’t want to think about it. Because we are knuckle-dragging, gorilla Frankenstein’s with concrete cinder-blocks for hearts. Feel better?
I mean, I realize you probably hoped the answer would be, “We’re thinking about YOU! And how much we miss YOU! How much we regret everything we ever did to lose YOU! Oh, I wish I had the courage to call YOU and tell YOU! That! I! Miss! YOU!”
For starters, it is dangerous and dishonest for two people who have broken up to communicate. On a certain level, we shouldn’t know what the other is thinking. Talking after a heartbreak is stunting. Deforming. Like foot-binding, or a broken leg that wasn’t set right and healed ugly. There should always be a long period of non-communication between two parties who are separated. Closure is overrated. Not every rag needs to be violently wrung dry.
Can I ask a question? Why do women talk about their breakups all the time to the entire world? [Ouch.—Editor, again] It is totally full disclosure with y’all. You gush about feelings, fears, insecurities, and shockingly intimate details. It’s an embarrassing emote-a-thon to anybody and everybody, especially to fresh exes who don’t want to talk to you or shouldn’t be talking to you. It goes beyond honesty. It’s almost auto-exploitation. Write press releases.
If I had to choose between a communication drought and a communication tsunami, I’d choose the drought. There is something positively smothering about someone who is emotionally over-available.
I know it is “healthy” to express your emotions, to not pent them up and let them fester, or, worse, let it metastasize into a terminal prejudice towards love and relationships. But seriously, sometimes discretion is a virtue. There comes a point where letting it all hang out serves no purpose other than to perpetuate drama for drama’s sake.
So here we are again. Men don’t talk enough. Women talk too much. Is it possible to talk just enough?
Is it as simple as suggesting that we all continue our adoption of each other’s gender habits and switch off? Maybe it would do all the lady flowers a world of good to not talk about their breakups. Go ahead, ladies. Steal from the dude playbook. Dig a shallow grave in your heart, lock up your feelings in an old treasure chest, bury it, and get thee to a Guitar Hero party. Get drunk. Sing your boobs off. Your feelings aren’t going anywhere. Every heart’s map has multiple X’s on it, anyway. And “X” marks the spot.
As for dudes, I loathe to suggest we all go to brunch and dish. In fact, I veto that. But expressing one’s frustrations and doubts judiciously to close friends is not something that would compromise one’s masculinity. Quality is preferable to quantity in these regards.
A final thought. Regardless of who dumps who, dudes think about you. We don’t lobotomize ourselves, or erase you from our brain. We know where the “X’s” are, where the buried treasure lies. And that’s enough. Whether you broke our heart or vice versa, you are always with us. We just don’t always like to share, be they beers, memories, or the various pains of conscience. It’s difficult to dole out things that are precious.
So don’t freak out. You aren’t forgotten. William Faulkner wrote, “The past is never dead. It’s not even past.” The same goes for relationships. All of them. I still think about every ex-girlfriend I’ve ever had, and I always will.
I think about them, but I don’t think about them. If that makes any sense.
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Amelia
wrote on November 20 2008 @ 11:08 am: [report]
This column may have just changed my life.
jadeycakes
wrote on November 20 2008 @ 11:17 am: [report]
“So don’t freak out. You aren’t forgotten. William Faulkner wrote, “The past is never dead. It’s not even past.” The same goes for relationships. All of them. I still think about every ex-girlfriend I’ve ever had, and I always will.”
I am hoping this is true.
Reagan
wrote on November 20 2008 @ 11:20 am: [report]
Well, #&@$%.
Simosa
wrote on November 20 2008 @ 11:22 am: [report]
An honest man is hard to come by. It’s the beer drinking that makes men friends and it’s the over-sharing that makes women friends. Well, that and the shopping. Here’s to more shopping and less sharing!
Leigh Raines
wrote on November 20 2008 @ 01:27 pm: [report]
where was this article when I needed it a few years ago???
EastCoastMale
wrote on November 20 2008 @ 01:46 pm: [report]
I would have to say that I agree with the article and somewhat disagree with Jadeycakes. I am all for fond memories of past relationships but when it comes to rehashing specific events or thinking, “why was this instance like this” or “could I have done better or something different in this”, it is much better to avoid this over analyzation in my opinion. My thinking on this is why should you seek total closure on every single relationship issue when it is no longer relevant? I agree that, for the majority, men tend to move on quickly with putting past things in the psat or just discarding the reasonings why something didnt work. If you cant do anything about it then why try to find out reasonings, unless its for your own self improvement, even then only confide in “a” close friend as in singular not everyone that crosses your path.
Cokes2425
wrote on November 20 2008 @ 02:26 pm: [report]
Bravo, Devore. Bravo.
saysay
wrote on November 20 2008 @ 02:54 pm: [report]
I love this article and I just sent it to my best friends! Well done.
gillybeans
wrote on November 20 2008 @ 03:53 pm: [report]
But there’s something so fun about getting drunk with the ladies and talking your ass off after a breakup. (Especially if it’s #&@$%-talking about the ex.) It’s bonding and ultimately can be seriously healing to know you’ve got a good support group who like to gab. In a twisted way, sometimes it almost makes the breakup enjoyable.
lmbeachy
wrote on November 20 2008 @ 04:05 pm: [report]
“I think about them, but I don’t think about them. If that makes any sense.”
This last line makes complete sense. It’s how the male brain works. And while I don’t completely agree with Devore’s comment that “discretion is a virtue”, in the context of his article it’s all valuable food for thought.
Checkers
wrote on November 20 2008 @ 04:11 pm: [report]
Much of this makes great sense…but unfortunately, by telling all the ladies in the house that you do in fact still think of them, even years in the future, you have restored an absolutely insane attachment many women have to the prospect of (A) reconcilliation (B) winning the fight for who’s better off. If a woman finally accepts there will be no reconcilliation, she at least wants to believe that she has somehow ended up better off without you and you have ended up worse off without them. Admiting you think about your exes has just spun every scorned lady in the world down a spiral of justified crazy.
I have wonderful girlfriends that have allowed what I call the “Female Neurosis” to literally disable their ability to think rationally from the tiniest morsel of acknowledgement from an ex. I think most women would be better off knowing the most an ex has thought of them is trying to remember the last time they dated a blonde. Period.
Amelia
wrote on November 20 2008 @ 04:19 pm: [report]
@Checkers Yeah, you’re wrong. Women are able to move on just fine, thank you. And when he said he still thinks of them, I think he meant he thinks of them in a fond way, not in a “I want to get back together with you” way.
EastCoastMale
wrote on November 20 2008 @ 05:05 pm: [report]
@ Amelia, I agree with you and I think that checkers made an assertion for women that doesnt hold true for everyone but still stating it as a fact. I think checkers response makes it sound like all women are looking for a reason to justify acting crazy which asserts another point that I believe is way off. Some women and some men react crazy and most of both sexes do not. Thats why it is tricky to talk about such topics especially with the point of view of both males and females, speaking for one another out of assumption and stereotyping.
Gotham
wrote on November 20 2008 @ 06:54 pm: [report]
Having just been broken up with (read: she broke up with me, it wasn’t mutual, and the reason given was “I’m just not into it, I tried”) I can tell you exactly what I’m feeling.
I’m hurt, and I think about her a lot. Saying she is the last thing on my mind is ridiculous. I’m also mad at myself, and it’s not because I think I did anything to deserve being dumped.
Like most guys, I don’t open myself up very easily. I protect my feelings, and I am very guarded about who can go near them. I’m not sure why I am so adamant about staying away from those icky sticky emotions, but I avoid them. Maybe I think that if I cry I would have to question my manhood (joke)(kinda).
Being broken up with is like a betrayal. An assassin managed to get behind enemy lines and go ape #&@$% on the heart of my operations. How the hell could I have let this happen! That assassin is a son-of-a-bitch! Screw you assassin!
Now that I am on the same page with all the guys, let me translate that for the ladies. When you break up with us, we don’t question why we aren’t good enough, or what we could have done better. We wonder how we could have let you into our life. We pride ourselves on our ability to read people and situations. To make accurate character assessments and judgment calls. These are vital skills in business and relationships. You managed to slip under our radar, get to the part of us that we keep under wraps, and hurt us.
That implies that you were someone that we should have screened out. That is exactly what we think. It doesn’t mean that we aren’t still crazy about you; in fact that’s the worst part. We realize you should have been screened out AND we still like you.
So that’s what we think about. That and the fact that that we miss you, and that we are devastated that you don’t feel the same way.
Run41
wrote on November 20 2008 @ 07:19 pm: [report]
Gotham gets it. The ladies on this thread (and EastCoastMale) need to read the last passage over and over again until they understand it’s true meaning. Wow, Gotham.
Checkers
wrote on November 20 2008 @ 07:50 pm: [report]
Apologies, I did not mean ALL women (and for the record, I am a woman). I was attempting to address the very real confusion that exists in male/female communication. Messaging is oddly misinterpreted when one party’s agenda is motivated by intentions the other doesn’t understand or didn’t realize. Sometimes, when a lost love is hard to part with, the slightest acknowledgement can spark a destructive cylce of what ifs and maybes. In some cases, I think there are people that are better off without that acknowledgement because it undermines their true character and betrays their true desire, which is for a deep, dependable, relationship with someone that makes them feel alive.
Katia
wrote on November 20 2008 @ 10:34 pm: [report]
Gotham ~ Your comment made me sad. Where you see a failure to rationally weed out an undesirable female, I see a person who was brave enough to take a chance at a relationship and behave in a healthy, demonstrative manner. As someone who was recently humiliated and shat upon by a textbook example of the “emotionally unavailable” male, it’s encouraging for me to know that there really are well adjusted men out there who can admit to having feelings. I really hope this experience doesn’t become a reason to shut down and become defensive, seeing every woman as a potential heart squashing enemy. You sound like a great guy. I hope you find someone worthy of you.
Elle
wrote on November 20 2008 @ 11:32 pm: [report]
I think being dumped sucks no matter if you’re a guy or a girl. No one wants to be the “dumpee,” but it happens to most everyone at some point. All you can do is pick yourself up and move on. Hopefully somewhere in the process you will have learned something valuable.
Run41
wrote on November 20 2008 @ 11:41 pm: [report]
I don’t mean to sound too clinical about this, but I have a feeling that my response to Katia will sound that way to most people. Even so…
Gotham’s point is that when we’re (men) left (I think “dumped” likens people to garbage, so I don’t really like using that verb), it’s not usually in a “healthy, demonstrative” manner in which we know why it’s happening. You might not find this to be of any significance since that’s how most people are left, right? Wrong. There’s a huge difference in the manner by which people interpret the “direction” of a breakup between a man and a woman. For example, if a woman merely finds a more suitable mate, the current societal zeitgeist supports her leaving her current for the better alternative. What do you think would happen if a man just up and leaves his current partner for the “newer model”? He would immediately acquire a number of undesirable labels that most wouldn’t apply to their worst-enemy’s dog. This double standard is commonplace.
Every woman IS a “potential heart-squashing enemy”...as is every man. I’m sure Gotham appreciates your sentiment that he sounds like a great guy. What I think he (and every other great guy) would appreciate even more is for women to look critically at each instance of a jackass hurting them. Only through finding reliable indicators of the heart-squashers will you ladies eventually work your way to us…the great guy.
It is brave to take a chance by opening yourself up to someone. But, to repeatedly do so sans the attempt to see why someone was able or apt to hurt you is akin to repeatedly sticking a pair of metal scissors in a light socket…and repeatedly wondering why the hell it’s shocking you…and repeatedly stating that there aren’t any nice, safe plastic ones around. Bravery of that kind is not commendable. Anyone can see that.
EastCoastMale
wrote on November 21 2008 @ 09:05 am: [report]
@ Run41. Not trying to attack anyone but it does make me quite heated to be told something I should do when the responses to the article are meant to be subjective and have no concrete answer. I dont think, rather…..I KNOW I dont need to re read any passage but thank you for your misplaced offer. I fully understand what the article stated and what it meant to ME, not to others, not to one sex or the other but to myself as a man. So thank for assuming the role of a professor but I dont feel that I need instruction from you on what to read to understand its “true” meaning. In reading the posts subsequent to my last one, I think that you start referring to women and great guys in a way that is setting a standard in which all of that category are supposed to fit. There is no ONE answer to any of the topics being discussed here, only personal opinions. I stand by my responses and enjoy reading others as well as long as they arent stating opinions as fact.
Katia
wrote on November 21 2008 @ 02:11 pm: [report]
Run41 ~ Yes, I agree that there is no easy way to break up, but I really disagree with what you said overall.
Break ups are generally messy, but if a person is honest - not being manipulative - trying to be up front and tell someone why it’s not working for them (and it could be simply that, that it’s just “not working”) then how can that be faulted as not being healthy? If you aren’t happy, you should not be in a relationship just because you don’t want to hurt the other person. That’s unhealthy. Playing games? Unhealthy. Emotionally shutting down and backing your partner into a corner? Unhealthy. But straight up honesty because you respect the person enough to tell the truth? What’s not healthy about that?
And to put it bluntly - to be honest - I find it abhorrent that you think “the current societal zeitgeist” would find it acceptable for a woman to dump a man and “trade up” but that a man would be castigated for his pursuit of a “newer model”. I think this is wrong. I think you are wrong. I don’t know a single person who finds any indiviual who dumps a loyal partner for one with a bigger bank account or perkier breasts to be of admirable character or behaving in an acceptable fashion. It’s disgusting how little regard people have for each other that they would view another person’s feelings as so disposable.
Yes, this is true: “Every woman IS a ‘potential heart-squashing enemy’...as is every man.” And yes, I DO look at every encounter with a “jackass” and try to learn what how my choices and behavior contributed to the overall destruction of the relationship and my heart. It is an extremely painful introspective process, hence why so few people actually do it. Sadly, it doesn’t always work. You *think* you’ve met a great guy and then when you get involved, something really ugly can emerge that you never saw coming. That’s life. It’s messy. There are no guarentees.
There’s bravery and there’s stupidity. I’m not talking about opening yourself up to every unappreciative moron that comes along because you believe in the fantasy that love is a many splendored thing. I’m talking about the determination to identify your boundaries, define what you want, to recognize it in another human being and to go for it irregardless of the gut wrenching fear you may feel at the potential for a broken heart. That’s courage.
Run41
wrote on November 21 2008 @ 05:59 pm: [report]
EastCoastMale-
Please don’t put words into people’s mouths if you care to understand that about which they’re passionate 
Mmmm K? And the professor comment…that’s a good way to kill dialogue, my friend. What I said is called pointing out to the forum something that’s of great import to me. Your “professor” comment is the hallmark of willful misunderstanding. There’s a huge difference in the intent. PS If you were going to quote me, do it all the way or not at all, please (not “true” meaning…but “true meaning”...I said both words, not just one, friend) Cheers 
How’s it going, dude? Good, I hope. You have tendency to see people’s responses in very polarized terms. Someone stating their opinion in a concrete fashion does not mean they apply that concept in blanket fashion to everyone under the sun, my good man. It just means they’re confident about their opinion. That’s really all I meant. I fully understand that my ideas don’t apply a “standard” to all women and great guys. Did you really think I was taking a rather simple post…on this website…and nebulously applied it to everyone? That’s humorously insulting, man
Katia…I’ll respond to your very intriguing post later on. You’ve got me cornered on a couple of those issues. Ciao!
EastCoastMale
wrote on November 21 2008 @ 10:29 pm: [report]
@Run41. This is my last time that I will directly refer to you because as you mentioned so skillfully this board is for dialouge and I dont want to hinder that. Thanks for the “cheers” by the way…..oh and let me quote you fully…..“I said both words, not just one, friend) Cheers”. Does that make you feel better? all satisfied now?, I sure hope so. Thank you so very mcuh for pointing out my “hallmark of willful misunderstanding” (theres another quote for you because I know you love them). So basically this alst post to you is one of pure gratitude for you being so wise and willingly to point out others mistakes, such as mine. I would love to see the words by the way which I attributed to you or put in your mouth that you didnt say, meaning exact words that I claimed you said, not overall ideas. Better yet, nevermind because I am uninterested and it wont change my original feelings which I posted on and you have thusly responded to….sound good mate? mmm k , thought it would. Have a splendid day. =)
Run41
wrote on November 22 2008 @ 02:09 am: [report]
Ladies, I would like you to take a good look at the exchange between EastCoastMale and me. This is what’s called a bitch-fest. It’s what happens when two people refuse to look critically and respectfully at each others points of view. Somewhere along the line, EastCoastMale and I stopped being BFF’s.
I’m guessing the dissonance started when I was being honest with this forum and he was pandering and feeding you “grey-area” answers that are non-committal. See, non-committal answers are safe because they can never be proven wrong. It doesn’t take honesty to say “checkers made an assertion for women that doesn’t(sic) hold true for everyone” or “There is no ONE answer to any of the topics being discussed here.” These answers are drivel and damaging because it’s writing that sounds like it contains substance and actually contains none. Some (or all) may not like the suggestions I’ve provided, but at least I put myself out there. Most importantly, I’ll admit when I’m wrong (reference Katia chewing my behind on her last post…I took it very seriously). I could sit (and spin like others who shall remain nameless) on the fence, spout pure rhetoric, and provide nothing new or challenging, but that position is already taken.
You ladies have fun with the guy who tousles his hair on purpose and leaves what appears to be one too many buttons undone (Geez, dude…do you shave your chest?! Wow…).
@EastCoastMale…you’re metro enough for the both of us, son. I’m not your mate…I’m your superior. Now, please respond with some predictable, lisp-ridden, snarky comeback to get the last word in and finalize what will definitely be the most embarrassing part of this exchange for you.
Have a scrumptious day, now (_!_) To the rest, good luck in finding happiness. I’m finished.
Lindsay Goldenberg
wrote on November 23 2008 @ 04:58 pm: [report]
Love your article, Devore. However, I have to disagree about one thing. I’ve seen many male friends wallow in their breakups for a verrrrryyyyy long time. I think it’s b/c egos can’t seem to grasp that someone would actually break up with them. I’ve seen men hold candles for the woman that “got away” for YEARS. And I’ve never seen a woman heartbroken for more than 6 months. Maybe that’s just my experience.
ghotisgirl
wrote on November 24 2008 @ 09:32 am: [report]
Women may seem like they aren’t heartbroken,but let her see that ex with a prettier,slimmer,perkier girl and see how pissed she gets!Unless of course,she is the one who dumped him.I know guys who carried that torch for some years as well,but I also know a few women who do too.I am not that way at all.I detach quickly,not that it’s a good thing,but I don’t personally see crying over someone after so long.Move on and be free!
Brandy0126
wrote on November 26 2008 @ 05:10 am: [report]
I think feelings are so very subjective that it’s difficult to pigeonhole them….some people feel the same way about things and other people feel the opposite way about the same things..that’s why we have Repubs and Dems….some people react one way and some people react another…some people are just devastated by breakups and wear their heart on their sleeve and others dig a hole in their heart and put their feelings in it and never remove the lid…so which is better? Depends on how you feel about it personally….so again, it’s subjective and not objective, and it’s impossible to be objective about subjective feelings…Also I suspect Run 31 and EastCoastMale have more in common than they would like to admit. (to anyone, least of all each other….)
grownwoman
wrote on January 5 2009 @ 11:12 pm: [report]
I totally agreed with East Coast Male’s rendition of what he went through, only I am a female. I wondered, how did I let him get that close and yes, why didn’t I screen him out. So, no, I didn’t wonder what I had done wrong, I wondered why I didn’t spot the enemy and defend myself.
kad
wrote on September 16 2009 @ 03:19 am: [report]
What Gotham said.
Every man thinks of his emotions as his fortress of solitude. It’s not fair, but also the reason why relationships can be so colourful. When a woman gets behind our lines of defense, we feel vulnerable in a way that’s uncomfortable, even when things are going very well.
We wonder what we did to deserve you, ladies.
I have no explanation, no argument to justify the feeling. It just is.
And Gotham, if the breakup line was really that she wasn’t that into it, you might have just met your first psychopath. Look up what that means. A psychopath will usually leave a relationship if there is no more benefit for them (i.e. the times they have to pretend they love you outweighs the financial or other benefits they may receive in return).
If that’s a possibility, consider yourself lucky that she only decided to leave you, or that she felt it was her decision to leave, rather than the other way around. I know you don’t feel very lucky right now. Mrs. Right is still waiting for you, even if she doesn’t know it yet. Get yourself cleaned up and do the things you know are right so that when you meet her, you will be the man she wants and needs.
It took me 10 years, but I found my soul mate (with a couple of false starts along the way). I’m not especially anything (looks, money, career), but I found her. It can happen. It is up to you to let it happen naturally.
You WILL meet her, whomever She is.
sexcandyfireflies87
wrote on September 20 2009 @ 05:54 pm: [report]
“We’re thinking about YOU! And how much we miss YOU! How much we regret everything we ever did to lose YOU! Oh, I wish I had the courage to call YOU and tell YOU! That! I! Miss! YOU!”
My favorite part! I mean its one thing if someone does miss said person, but if a girl/woman needs to hear the words “miss you” after a break up, its never happening 9 times out of 10. It would takes months upon months for a guy to ever truly admit if he did miss the guy, cause they are going through the stages that a guy goes through: beer therapy. Drink and heal, watch a game, drink some more bear, and heal some more, go out on the town, drink some beer, meet a hot chick, get laid, and then drink some more beer. Even if a guy misses a girl, he isn’t going to do some crazy romcom move and win you back. Most guys have no clue how to do it half the time.
So yeah its nice seeing for once a guy being honest, cause I’ve heard all the interesting stuff about guys missing girls and vice versa and never telling the girl they miss her. Its the facts of life from the guys end…
DancingGeek
wrote on September 20 2009 @ 06:33 pm: [report]
@kad, why is a woman who “just isn’t that into it” a psychopath? Women can be as emotionally unavailable as men, and for the same set of complex reasons. At least she didn’t lead Gotham on letting him believe things were ok when they weren’t. Sometimes its just a gut feeling that the relationship isn’t right.