Mind Of Man: Whatever You Do, Don’t Cohabitate

323Felicity
wrote on October 7 2009 @ 11:09 am: [report]

Zeus, Odin and Quetzalcoatl! LOL! Love it!

CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on October 7 2009 @ 11:13 am: [report]

Open the flood gates, here comes the crazy.

amandabear
wrote on October 7 2009 @ 11:15 am: [report]

I’ve only cohabitated with one boyfriend and it took 4 years to even consider it. It did end, but living together wasn’t what did the relationship in. As a woman who DOESN’T want marriage (or kids), living together pretty much IS the final frontier - and as such it’s not a decision I take lightly. I don’t plan to live with a guy again until I’m pretty sure he’s life-mate material.

And you’re totally right, moving in with your significant other to “save money” is a joke and generally a terrible idea.

intuition
wrote on October 7 2009 @ 11:17 am: [report]

Sometimes I wonder when or uf the cohabitating “honeymoon” will end.  It’s bliss right now (with some tough times), but for how long.

JenniferRly
wrote on October 7 2009 @ 11:27 am: [report]

I agree in many ways, but I must say that I firmly believe in living together before marriage.  After we said I do, so many things changed (my name, my prefix, and the number of times a day people ask me if I’m pregnant, to name a few), it was nice that my home and daily routine were already squared away.

That being said, I am under-qualified to comment really, b/c my husband is the only guy I’ve ever lived with.

H. Blue
wrote on October 7 2009 @ 11:28 am: [report]

John DeVore, your prose plucks the strings of my heart.
“If I love a woman, and am compelled to give her access to my rotten DNA, compatibility is moot. I love her totally, and flaws are part of that equation.”

Sigh.

“Marriage is another word for “trust.” Maybe “trust, plus.”  It is two people full of doubts, shortcomings, and love holding hands and jumping together. It’s a risk, fraught with the potential to fail, and that makes it beautiful.”

Sigh.

Christinaval
wrote on October 7 2009 @ 11:29 am: [report]

I’ve lived with my boyfriend for four years, we moved in young…can’t say it was the best decision but it has worked. We are getting married on New Years Eve. But he’s definitely right about the Friday night carb loading…that includes beer right???

skywalk
wrote on October 7 2009 @ 11:29 am: [report]

@John DeVore:  If you don’t plan on getting married and having kids you should always live by yourself or get a roommate?  I do agree if you’re planning on kids and marriage it may be worth waiting for.

But if not I say move in who cares life is short.  If this marriage doesn’t work out for me I’m sure I’ll have 15-25 other boyfriends if I live long enough, since two X’s is enough for me I’m done with that whole deal (if this marriage doesn’t work out that is)....  So at some point I may choose to live with my SO, how’s that going to hurt anything? 

What is marriage is not the end result?? Is living together okay?

joyy
wrote on October 7 2009 @ 11:30 am: [report]

Moving in with your other to save money is very, very stupid.  But it doesn’t sound like cohabitation is your problem, JDV, but rather your propensity for making “a major commitment without seriously considering the responsibilities.” 

Mature, responsible adults don’t make major life decisions without seriously considering the responsibilities they take on and the consequences that come with it, whether the decision is cohabitation, marriage, procreating, starting a business, moving to a new place, going to school, etc.

This article is really just a romance-themed version of people who get really sick after eating ingredient/dish X and then refuse to eat X ever again because of that.
 
Marriage isn’t a magic bullet for happiness (neither is cohabitation, of course,) bbut maybe instead of vowing to never cohabitate outside of a marriage-destined relationship ever again, maybe you should learn the real lesson here: not to take big life decisions lightly.

And your theory works for people who want to get married.  FYI: that’s not everyone.

Raugiel
wrote on October 7 2009 @ 11:31 am: [report]

Very funny!

On a more serious note, I’ve lived with several boyfriends (including my current of 5+ years) and would say two things about it:
1) I would never even CONSIDER marrying or having children with a man I had not lived with. If you can’t share an apartment, you have no business breeding.

2) Don’t move in until you are pretty sure you WANT to live together (not to save money - you can both get roommates at your own places if need be) and have a back up plan just in case. From experience, trying to finish a lease with your new ex is not fun.

lea322
wrote on October 7 2009 @ 11:33 am: [report]

I’m going to guess I’m in the minority when I say that I agree with you on this one, John. I really don’t understand people who say they aren’t ready to marry a person, but they are ready to live together. When you move in with your significant other, you are saying that you are in love and you are committed for the long term, which, last time I checked, is a marriage. You’re not legally bound together, but, paper work aside, you’re going to have just as much crap to deal with if you should break up later on as you would in a divorce. When I hear a couple is moving in together after a few months of dating, what I really hear is, “we want all the perks of being married without people saying we’re moving too fast by getting married so soon,” and that seems very immature to me.

bethlynn00
wrote on October 7 2009 @ 11:36 am: [report]

I am against co-habitation before marriage.  I know there are valid arguments on both sides of the issue, but it is my personal choice that I do not want to live with a man before we are married, I just don’t see the reason for it. Now does it work for other people? Sure.  I have lots of gay friends who live together, but of course they legally can’t get married, but I have non-gay friends who live together and things are good, but for me, it’s just not something I would be interested in.

skywalk
wrote on October 7 2009 @ 11:42 am: [report]

Again what if getting married is not the end goal, I know many many men and women who do not want to get married, either they were married before and don’t want to do it again, their parents had a bad marriage or they just don’t want marriage and kids.  Is it just because of marriage that people think they shouldn’t live together before marriage or is it living with your SO????

MarieMacCee
wrote on October 7 2009 @ 11:42 am: [report]

Sweet Zeus, Odin, and Quetzalcoatl, winged serpent god of the Aztecs!

Well played, sir. Multi-cultural religious ejaculations aren’t found enough in today’s blogosphere

Hysterical (and totally sweet), as usual

Humble Bee
wrote on October 7 2009 @ 11:47 am: [report]

I heard this on Tom Lykist, he’s like ‘never move in with the bitch’. It’s true, I wouldn’t be able to take a dump comfortably ever again. I’m with Amandabear on the not having kids and marriage, so why let a big Kid live with me? I think it would just feel like babysitting, as if he’s going to do his own laundry and dishes if YOUR there. Just take out the trash? You must be kidding, that’s it?

joyy
wrote on October 7 2009 @ 11:55 am: [report]

@HumbleBee - just a little FYI: some men do their chores.  If memory serves correctly, you are still pretty young (not that I’m much older lol), but my guess is that your dating experience to date has been plagued by boys, not men - trust me, there is a huge difference between the two!  My bf and I never mix laundry and he takes out the trash on a regular basis.  He’s also doing a shti-ton of dishes today while he’s home and I’m at work.  I’m not telling you to make that move or not, but not all men are helpless children who view their girlfriends and mom 2.0

Riley
wrote on October 7 2009 @ 12:00 pm: [report]

@Joyy - Thank you.  Been entirely self-sufficient since college.  Some of us can cook and clean better than some of the women we court

Humble Bee
wrote on October 7 2009 @ 12:01 pm: [report]

@Joyy, Maybe it’s because I live with the laziest men ever, my dad and brother. lol.
My ex boyfriends room was unbearable! You could hardly walk through that thing! So your right, I’ve had my share of lazy boys in life, and have yet to find a clean responsible one.

Humble Bee
wrote on October 7 2009 @ 12:04 pm: [report]

Plus, I’m the eldest of 8 kids, so I’m a really responsible person, who HAS to have everything organized or else someone’s getting choked! OK, not that bad, but clutter makes my head hurt! I just can’t relax.
@Riley, I don’t believe you, lol. I’ve never met a guy like that. You need to court me!

SouthOC
wrote on October 7 2009 @ 12:07 pm: [report]

@CheeeeEEEEse:  Oh god… I’m dying.  People in my office are staring at me, wondering why I’m laughing so hard…

I may have something cogent to say later, but for now, “Open the flood gates, here comes the crazy” is just priceless!

amandabear
wrote on October 7 2009 @ 12:09 pm: [report]

@Riley: You’re right on that one. My ex was far neater than I am.

acannon
wrote on October 7 2009 @ 12:09 pm: [report]

“...money is a landmine in the intoxicating poppy field of romance.”

<3 you John!

emflow
wrote on October 7 2009 @ 12:10 pm: [report]

I wouldn’t consider marrying a man without living together, probably for years. But I won’t move in with a man unless we were very serious, I just don’t need the actual marriage to happen promptly. I think some of this comes from several bad roommate experiences. I learn a lot about a person during a year of living together, and sometimes the problems come as a surprise.

That said, sometimes cohabitation is a decent financial decision. A friend of mine is on her boyfriend’s health insurance because they wanted to move in together, and cohabitating was all it took to have her listed as his partner on the insurance. Money shouldn’t be THE reason, and it shouldn’t be an excuse to hide the real reason for cohabitating, but sometimes the finances of cohabitating make sense.

brandyalexander
wrote on October 7 2009 @ 12:16 pm: [report]

John, I agree 100%.  Once you live with someone, you make it that much harder to break up with them, because both of your names are on the lease, you own the sofa together, you have a pet.  Breaking up is bad.  Moving is bad.  Extricating your stuff from his or her stuff and breaking up and moving and deciding what to do with the love letters and dirty pictures is just hell on earth. 
Plus, I kind of feel that if you are going to put up with someone’s not doing the dishes, not flushing the toilet, or laying on the coach all day playing video games, then at least you should have legal benefits and wedding gifts to help even it out a bit.

equnsuocha
wrote on October 7 2009 @ 01:40 pm: [report]

@Humblebee - You just have to train them   As a happy cougar, yes I use the term on myself and damn the feminists who tell me not to, I was married for 10 years to a man who basically took care of himself.  He was 10 years older than i was and althoguh the rest of the marriage was a failure beyond belief, I got spoiled.  Then I met my current beau.  I met him online playing World of Warcraft, yes i am a dork but that isn’t the issue here, and fell for him in spite of the fact that he was 24 at the time and I was 35.  I moved in with him after my divorce and for the first year just couldnt stand the fact that he expected me to replace his mother and grandmother who doted on him all the time.

After about a year of this I had enough, and advised him that mom and grandma didnt have jobs and seeing as how he is in construction and there were long periods of little or no work for him, I was in fact, the only person bringing home a steady check so he was just going to have to cut his BS and start helping around the house.  It took some time and some reinforcement, with holding works wonders, not sex but WoW time, he is finally almost there.  He will do laundry, scrub floors, and empty the dishwasher.  We are now working on the floor is not your hamper and when you unload the diswasher and there are dishes in the sink please load them.

If he is worth it in every other way, train ‘em!  If not, well then, a pump and dump doesnt have to stay in the boiler room

equnsuocha
wrote on October 7 2009 @ 01:48 pm: [report]

I have one more bit of strategy and this works for both guys and girls.

Before you move in investigate a storage unit.  Make sure it is nearby and you can afford it for a year.  Pack anything that you dont ABSOLUTELY have to have into storage bins.  If your gf/bf asks why you are putting things in storage the answer can be truthful like mine was, “We dont know if this is going to work and if it doesn’t this will make it easier for both of us”, or you can lie and use this line “I have so much stuff and I want to see what we can do with what we have rather than cramming it all in at once and then tripping over boxes for a year.”  If they freak about either of these things DONT MOVE IN WITH THEM!!

eclipse
wrote on October 7 2009 @ 02:03 pm: [report]

Here’s what I don’t get about moving in with someone before you are married.

If you are married and move in together, you have already made a commitment to make it work and you are starting a new life together - to me, that would provide a lot more motivation to make it work and not give up when times get rough; you have that foundation of the marriage commitment to fall back on to keep you going.

If you move in together and you aren’t married, you are just playing house, feeling out the waters, and there is no real comitment involved - when it gets rough or something doesn’t work out you break up and move out…and have all the drama that ensues. (like someone said earlier, the dog, couch, condo, apartment, etc)

I can’t see myself caring or working as hard to keep something going with someone I just happen to be dating and living with verses someone that I am married and committed to.  That’s why I don’t get moving in with someone before marriage…it seems like a cheap version of the real thing.

Mind you there are couples that have lived together and its worked out, my sister just moved in with her long time bf, but it just seems risky…you are used to your separate lives and just sharing the same place, verses getting married and knowing that your lives are joined from here on out and living with each other is just part of that.

To each his own I guess, but I am def not moving in with a guy until we get hitched.

writergirl
wrote on October 7 2009 @ 02:20 pm: [report]

@eclipse—I used to think the same thing.  That the piece of paper makes you more committed than if you were just living together.  I’ve recently changed my mind.

I think commitment is a personal thing.  Either you are one who is going to make the relationship work, married or not, or your not, married or not.  I’ve known more people to walk out of a marriage without a backward glance than those who walked out of cohabitating relationship.

If you love the person you are with, you are going to fight for the relationship for as long as you think it has value.  Maybe, Mr. DeVore, the problem wasn’t your living with someone, but rather that you haven’t found the right girl yet.

snap
wrote on October 7 2009 @ 02:24 pm: [report]

“COHABITATE” is not a word!  look it up!  you mean “cohabit.”

joyy
wrote on October 7 2009 @ 02:26 pm: [report]

@eclipse - “If you move in together and you aren’t married, you are just playing house, feeling out the waters, and there is no real comitment involved - when it gets rough or something doesn’t work out you break up and move out…and have all the drama that ensues.”

Do you personally know every person who has moved in with the one they love before/sans marraige?  No?  Then this is called an assumption - just because that’s how you perceive a lifestyle you don’t participate in doesn’t mean that it’s true.

lauren49
wrote on October 7 2009 @ 02:28 pm: [report]

I agree 100% with you John. I lived with a boyfriend and I will never do it again. We thought it was smart financially but we were not ready for the responsibilities of living together. I’ll never live with another bf again.

Amelia McDonell-Parry
wrote on October 7 2009 @ 02:33 pm: [report]

@snap From our copy editor: “True ‘cohabitate’ isn’t in Merriam-Webster, but it’s certainly in other dictionaries and has become a word that people use all the time.” For example: Dictionary.com: cohabitate

Riley
wrote on October 7 2009 @ 02:36 pm: [report]

@Snap - You must be the life of the party. 

_jsw_
wrote on October 7 2009 @ 02:44 pm: [report]

@snap: I think it’s in reference to the increased eating JDV implied.

“You look like you’ve gained a bit of weight…”

“Yeah, I know. I cohabit-ate too much.”

equnsuocha
wrote on October 7 2009 @ 03:24 pm: [report]

@Riley - I may love you

Charlene86
wrote on October 7 2009 @ 10:05 pm: [report]

Yeaf - those friday nights arent the same since alphaero got you there!

DancerNinja
wrote on October 8 2009 @ 12:28 am: [report]

I am often trying to talk my girl friends out of living with boyfriends, I’m about 50% effective at influencing this. I love my space and my independence, and if I get married, can he just live next door?

If you are so sure you’re going to marry someone, that you’ll be with them for the rest of your life, then I say, enjoy all the trappings of solitude and independence now and you’ll have the rest of your life to share a lease or mortgage.

LoveMN
wrote on October 8 2009 @ 02:09 am: [report]

UGH. Totally agree. Maybe not a couple of months ago. I was spending every night at his place until it turned into me basically living there! He gave me closet space, we had sides of the bed, we did chores together, we got a DOG together. The whole deal. I even cleaned his room and did his laundry (too wife-like, ish). I started living there only after about two months, how ridiculous. This led to not just fights, but SCREAMING arguements. We hated each other. Broke up. I moved home. Amazingly, we are back together after 7 months. But living seperate, and couldn’t be happier.

I say hold off the waiting to move in situation. It can RUIN a relationship in a heartbeat. I feel there’s no “excitement factor” on seeing the one you love when you see them 24/7. They could turn into the last thing you want to see at the end of the day…how horrible.

SouthOC
wrote on October 8 2009 @ 09:19 am: [report]

It all boils down to expectations…  If one is thinking “cool, someone will take care of me and I’ll have lower rent” and the other person is thinking “we’re in this for life” - TROUBLE!

With Marriage, the lifetime commitment part is usually understood.  With cohabitation, it’s up to each couple to figure out and communicate their expectations.

Jenbug
wrote on October 8 2009 @ 10:47 am: [report]

Yep you start off loving them soo much you just want to fold em up and put em in your pocket and then after a while you realize your are more inclined to punch them in the throat. Moving in together really shortens the amount of time in between.

lauren49
wrote on October 8 2009 @ 11:48 am: [report]

@SouthOC: I love how you put this!!

“With Marriage, the lifetime commitment part is usually understood.  With cohabitation, it’s up to each couple to figure out and communicate their expectations.”

You are absolutely correct. If the couple isn’t in agreement for the future, living together will bring so much stress to the relationship. This is exactly what happened to me.

LostInStars
wrote on October 8 2009 @ 12:21 pm: [report]

I moved in with my boyfriend a year ago. The reasons we did it were bad, I’ll admit. We were probably blinded by all the happy love chemicals dancing around in our heads, but after we settled into our new living environment, it’s been really great. We’re comfortable, happy and it works. I hope it continues to work. I know moving in together can be the kiss of death, but it gave our relationship the seal of approval.

skywalk
wrote on October 8 2009 @ 12:35 pm: [report]

@LostInStars:  this is my take on cohabitation, quite a few people wrote moving in together ruined their relationship and when my husband and I were engaged to be married a few people were like be careful marriage can ruin a great relationship.  So I’m starting to see a pattern, that with some relationships (maybe they won’t work in the first place) can’t survive the next step and some relationships that are ready can (whether it’s moving in together or getting married), so maybe its not the cohabitating its the relationship?  Just throwing this out for thought, 40-50% of marriages fail so it would seem at least that many cohabitations fail, but if you ask me they may just not be the right relationship, but this is just a observation.  The reason I bring this up to you LostinStars is I’ve been with my SO 10+ years and married 5+ and our marriage is way better than our pre-marriage relationship and with other people I know it ruined theirs, they had been together 5-10 years got married and it didn’t work.

onewriter
wrote on October 8 2009 @ 12:52 pm: [report]

I lived with my ex before we got married.  Did you notice the “ex” part?  It didn’t help anything.  It didn’t prepare me for the future in any way.  Mentally, I had made the commitment, even though we were only living together, so when things came up, I ignored them instead of taking them as the red flag as I should have. 

I have been actively dating my SO for almost a year.  Exclusively.  He has his own place-paid for, and I have an apartment near my ex so the kids can come and go each place.  I’m with my SO almost every weekend, all weekend.  We work very hard around his place, play when we want to, run errands, and hang out playing a video game together.  Well, HE plays, I watch and help him figure out what to do next.  lol We have a great time-no matter WHAT we do.  Normally, I would not advocate living together as it really does nothing to insulate you from problems in a future marriage, and can really cloud the issue, but if my SO would ever want me to completely move in with him, I would.  But only because I know that he is what I want. And I’m pretty sure neither of us would want to get married again.  Well, once again, if HE asked me, I would say YES!!!  but I don’t think he would ever want to.  So, this WOULD be the destination of it for us, and as I’ve already committed to him, HOW we do it makes no difference.  Long story short-yes it’s too late for that lol, on the weekends we are “married”...and on most of the weekdays we aren’t-although, I’ve been over there 3 days this week helping him paint and move things around.  (see? married) We are very happy with being together like we are, his house stays cleaner, and we are cared for and the commitment, such as it is, is there.  It just all depends on how the relationship is.  If it’s healthy, it will work no matter WHAT you do.

Jenbug
wrote on October 8 2009 @ 01:10 pm: [report]

@onewriter
It all makes so much sense when you put it that way. Maybe my problem was the throat punching? I am mostly kidding. Kind of.

onewriter
wrote on October 8 2009 @ 01:12 pm: [report]

@jenbug been there.  lol not kidding.  when it doesn’t work, it’s not going to.  it takes effort on both sides, but if both sides try and work out any small thing tht comes up…it works

bumbler
wrote on October 8 2009 @ 01:33 pm: [report]

The hubs and I lived together for 2 years before we were married (1 before the engagement and 1 when we were engaged).  For us cohabitating before marriage was a good thing.  We worked out our schedules, financial issues, chores etc. long before we tied the knot so the wedding was not a stressful time.  Once we returned from the honeymoon we both headed “home” comfortable and ready to continue with our normal routine.  I understand people who want to move in together after getting married but for me I knew I had to make sure I would be fine living with someone day to day before I took the plunge.  Moving in together too soon or for the wrong reason and most of all with the wrong person can be the kiss of death for a relationship.  But when two people are on the same page regarding where the relationship is going and when move in together I think it can be a great thing.  Plus if you find out you can’t live with someone before you get married isn’t that a Get Out of Jail Free card?  Or at least a Get Out of a Long Involved Legal Process Involving Lawyers card.

Molly Jean
wrote on October 8 2009 @ 01:56 pm: [report]

Depends on the couple, of course.  One of my girlfriends met a guy & within days they were in love & within weeks, living together.  that was 2 years ago & they are getting married this Sunday.

“Weekend cottage” is too cute.  Funny, I don’t think this works the other way around, though.  Or maybe I just date men who live like pigs in apartments that smell like “boy” & dirty dishes.  Would be nice to date someone whose place I could refer to as a vacation home LOL.

C.Munro
wrote on October 8 2009 @ 01:57 pm: [report]

Cohabitate?  Like I’m ready to give up dominion over the thermostat and the remote control.  Having someone special in your life is nice, but few joys compare to having a place all to yourself.

SouthOC
wrote on October 8 2009 @ 03:02 pm: [report]

@C.Munro:  Dude… The thermostat is just the tip of the proverbial iceberg.  My wife’s mother lived with us for 8 months while she was recovering from breast cancer.  It was such an intrusion that I thought I was going to go &^%$ing insane.

End result?  Although I’m someone who needs a fair amount of alone time (and didn’t have any for what felt like 8 years) I really grew as a person, and learned a lot about the sacrificial giving that comes with a committed relationship.  My wife understood, and really appreciates me for it.

I also really grew to love my mother-in-law… Doh!

babybritain
wrote on October 8 2009 @ 04:03 pm: [report]

huh? get a roommate really? Maybe I’m unlucky (or a really bad roommate) but I’ve never had a breakup that came even close to being as bad as my falling outs with roommates. Living alone is easiest but just because living with someone you love is harder (even when the relationship is perfect) doesn’t mean it isn’t worth it.

C.Munro
wrote on October 8 2009 @ 04:11 pm: [report]

@SouthOC:  Oh, man, that sounds trying.  Hopefully you had a nice, long, daily commute in Southern California traffic to yourself.  It is nice that you were able to not only take your mother-in-law in, but that you also developed a stronger relationship with her.  That probably takes a lot of the sting out of sacrificing time and space for yourself.

Is it wrong of me to think, “far better to live her mother living with us than my own?”

SCRMOM
wrote on October 8 2009 @ 04:34 pm: [report]

@C.Munro: No, it’s not wrong of you to think that - chances are that your wife would prefer that, as well.  I love my MIL, but it’s just not the same as my mom.  Daughters and mothers (typically) learn how to navigate one another, but the MIL/DIL relationship is usually more of a “bite your tongue” situation. 

@SouthOC: I absolutely love your middle paragraph!  As someone who has been with the same guy for 20+ years (HS sweethearts), I totally understand and “get it”.

angel001717
wrote on October 8 2009 @ 09:45 pm: [report]

marriage shouldnt be approached as a risk but as a choice…

ChocoBoo
wrote on October 9 2009 @ 05:20 am: [report]

I ‘accidentally’ started living w/ my now-husband due to a residence permit problem (I work 6mnths Holland, 6mths USA). I was worried about living w/ him as my boyfriend in a ‘forced situation’ ie. ‘If he couldn’t help me, I would have had to wait another year for a new work/residence permit= we wouldn’t be able to see each other for a looong time’. Fast forward to 7+ years later, it turned out to be a happy accident. Why? Because we didn’t fool ourselves about the situation or expect anything to happen. Maybe that’s the key? No false expectations…?

Queen Frostine
wrote on October 9 2009 @ 09:00 am: [report]

I moved in with guys because:

a) living at home sucked balls
b) my roommates were bat #&@$% crazy
c) his roommate bailed mid-year
d) poverty

Marriage testing was never a reason. It was always a practical decision. I saw guys as roommates with benefits. It just so happened that the last one I moved in with ended up never moving out.

stephoney22
wrote on October 9 2009 @ 09:51 am: [report]

You make three main points and I thoroughly appreciate them.  1) Sampling domestic bliss.  I think if a person can’t enjoy “domestic bliss” with a roommate, you’re not ready to enjoy it with a SO.  Trust me, the torture of living with a bad roomie is worth the character development that will make you a better person to live with for the next one.  2) Smart financial move…False! This is definitely true & has been discussed on the Frisky before.  I concur.  3) Check living compatibility.  Dealing with the way another person lives can be trying, but if you already know you wanna be with that person for the long run, you should be able to deal with it when you’re ACTUALLY ready.  Test runs don’t usually work in real relationships.  Treat it maturely and in the meantime, enjoy your space!  Thanks for the honest and nail-on-the-head article, John!

majicksand
wrote on October 9 2009 @ 04:37 pm: [report]

Living with someone is not the problem.  Living with the wrong person is.

sesl
wrote on October 9 2009 @ 08:15 pm: [report]

I agree 100% with majicksand. It feels like a lot of people commenting are using their very personal experiences to say what is right or wrong for everybody. If I had lived with my ex-boyfriend it would have been an awful, terrible experience and I’d probably be turned off cohabitation forever. We weren’t good together living separately and we certainly wouldn’t have been good if we had moved in together.

However, I live with my current SO and though we’re not married, we are very committed to each other. Like another poster said, a marriage license does not equal lifelong commitment - being open, honest, and willing to work every day will take a relationship much further than a piece of paper. I look forward to marrying my SO one day, but due to a few things (grad school, money, etc), that day won’t be for a while and I’m happy to just enjoy his company every day. We’ve talked about eloping because we do very much want to be together for the rest of our lives, but a wedding with our family and close friends would really mean a lot so we’ll just have to wait until everything is right.

As for getting tired of him, fighting over chores, disagreeing about money, diminished sex, and all the other negatives associated with cohabitation, I haven’t experienced a single one of those issues yet. And while one, if not all, of those might come up at some point in the future, I see no reason to not enjoy the awesomeness that is living with the man I love. I definitely agree that it’s not for every couple - it certainly wouldn’t have worked for me when I was with my previous boyfriend - but I think that the right people can live together can be a really great thing.

DancingGeek
wrote on October 10 2009 @ 12:34 pm: [report]

Until then, I just like to pretend her place is my weekend cottage.

This is perfect!

og217
wrote on October 12 2009 @ 11:19 am: [report]

The two guys I lived with, didn’t work out and cost me a fortune in recovering or re-purchsing my stuff.  Next time I moved in, I was engaged, with a wedding date and complete plan.  Worked out.

Iammina
wrote on October 12 2009 @ 12:26 pm: [report]

I was willing to live with my husband before we got married but he wouldn’t hear of it. He said it was all or nothing at all, even though we were constantly together and took several trips, he drew the line at “living together” with out that piece of paper. He said that it would be too easy for me to leave him every time we had a fight because I suffered from “fight and flight” syndrome, which he found extremely frustrating. He felt he needed the life commitment thing to feel secure enough to invest money into buying a house, furniture etc. He is six years older, and more mature, but it was the first marriage for both of us. I am glad we did things his way, we have a fantastic marriage, and things just keeps getting better.

Jenn27549
wrote on October 12 2009 @ 03:36 pm: [report]

I’ve lived with 3 guys, for varying lengths of time.  It has pros and cons.  I don’t really care what people want to do, and I don’t have a general opinion on whether its a good idea or not.  Its different for every couple, just as every relationship is—no matter the living arrangements or legal status.  I will say from my experience, having lived with my now-husband before we were married (plus the 2 others that did not end up in marriage) that living together is no indicator of marriage.  Marriage has been completely different and there are new and unexpected challenges that you will not encounter just living together.  It may tell you some things, but just because you lived together successfully for a few years doesn’t mean you are ready for marriage, or that things won’t be different after marriage.

CJ1432
wrote on October 12 2009 @ 03:45 pm: [report]

I guess I’m old school but I don’t think I could ever live with someone before being married.  Maybe if the ring was on my finger and the hall was payed for.  Personally, I look as living together as the step before marriage.  I’ve also seen friends get burned but also a few that have stayed together.  But for those people that do it, more power to ya and good luck!

pprose
wrote on October 12 2009 @ 06:35 pm: [report]

My boyfriend and I have been together 11 years and have never lived together.  Initially it was because I was raising my children in a joint custody arrangement with my ex-husband.  I didn’t feel it was necessary, or in their best interest, to involve my children in my romantic life.  My ex-husband and I each had the children every other week (we live 1 mile apart and were/are very good friends), so the week the children were at their dad’s house my boyfriend and I would spend 4 or 5 nights of that week together at his apartment.  The week the kids were with me we didn’t see each other.  I felt that week with my kids was sacred and they needed to know that they were the first priority in my life and had my undivided attention. 

Now the children are on their own and in college and we have basically maintained this same arrangement.  Not so much the every other week thing, but we each have our own home, space, things, and privacy.  It has helped maintain our always excellent and “new” feeling sex life.  We have very different cleanliness standards, but never have to argue about it.  We aren’t financially entangled - no arguing about that either.

Maybe it’s unconventional and we’ve been accused of being commitment phobics more than once, but it works for us.  He is the person I trust most in this world.  He still makes me laugh and I still feel the flutter of butterflies in my stomach when I know I will be staying with him that night.

Nikolita
wrote on October 16 2009 @ 12:42 pm: [report]

I agree with JenniferRly - I firmly believe in cohabitation before marriage. I wouldn’t call “the” reason to cohabitate to test if you’re compatible for marriage, but it’s on the list somewhere.

I’ve lived with one of my ex’s, and it fell apart shortly after we moved in together, but we were already having problems by that point already. Right now, I’m living with my current boyfriend, and have been for basically our whole relationship (almost 2 years). We both love being around each other and spending lots of time with each other, so it works for us.

freepeople1986
wrote on October 16 2009 @ 02:23 pm: [report]

I am pretty sure when I went to college I was dumped in a strange place in a strange dorm and shared an 8x8 space with a complete stranger from Texas.  I lived.  It worked out okay. 

I think I’ll do just fine adapting to living with the man I marry- the man I love.

The sharing of the things, creating a registry of things you need to build your home- your LIFE- together, picking out a place, and living there together: THAT’s what marriage is.  Marriage is not a wedding- it’s the life after it.  I don’t want to rush that.  I don’t want to ruin the feeling of what that’s like.

jenny9255
wrote on October 16 2009 @ 02:41 pm: [report]

I’ve moved in with my boyfriend a few months ago, at first it was really fun, but then again… no it wasn’t. My boyfriend is just there, he never yells never disagrees and never says no. Imagine how awful this gets after a while… it would be nice to have a boyfriend who wasn’t such a push over. Anyway, I’m in college right now and we are both on the lease, so I gotta do what I gotta do and stick it out with him for a while. It’s not like its hell…

cooldad
wrote on October 16 2009 @ 04:09 pm: [report]

The commitment is the bond & love between the two.  The wedding is just symbolism of this.  I don’t see how it strengthens the commitment. Anybody can walk away or fall out of love whether you’re married, living together or not.  The relationship will last if both can always remember why you love that person more than any other during the inevitable rough patches.

Living together seems like a natural extension of the relationship.  At some point, it seems odd for one or the other going home every night or packing an overnight bag.  I honestly don’t even remember having a serious conversation about it. Moving in just seemed so normal.

VX967
wrote on October 17 2009 @ 10:06 pm: [report]

I have been married and am not now. I do want the warm body but to be left alone too.  Helping with the rent is a plus having SO on the lease not.  I am a clutter is fine ADD minded person who can sew,cook,clean and a live in lover is the cherry on top!! Roommate with benefits; hooray!!!

Booksmarts
wrote on October 18 2009 @ 02:28 am: [report]

Yeah, I think you’re right. Makes sense. I’ve never cohabited with any of my boyfriends, but I seriously considered it with my now ex. Yes, it was to see if he was marriage material. Rather, I thought he was the perfect guy and I wanted to try living with him without the pressure of marriage. Frustrating that even as a college girl, my maturity level is stuck in the high school zone.

beeper
wrote on October 18 2009 @ 11:18 am: [report]

Wow. I feel very lucky here. My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years, living together for 1. We don’t worry about dividing up chores, or about who is doing what. We just both do what needs to be done. We don’t sit around and stress over where the relationship is going. We are just happy together and enjoy being around each other.

I don’t think living together before getting married makes or breaks a marriage.

Fast Eddie
wrote on October 18 2009 @ 08:05 pm: [report]

I lived with a couple of girlfriends and found it was a case of way too much of everything.  On the other had My first wife and I didn’t even make whoppie before we got married let alone live together and that was the worst mistake of my life.

22 years ago I dated a long time friend and we were living together less then a week later.  That went on for 8 years and every year we considered marriage but didn’t.  On the 7th year I asked her if she wanted to get married this year.  She “Sure why not”.  It was just romantic as hell.

We’ve now been married for 14 years and looking forward to many more.  The bottom line I think is that every relationship is different and everybody has different ideas about it.  But there is no way in hell I’d marry someone without living with her first.

fifi
wrote on October 25 2009 @ 03:57 pm: [report]

I made it clear to my boyfriend, since our early days of dating, that I will not move in with anybody just because of convenience (saving money, frequent physical presence, etc). The ultimate question about cohabitation for me is: Have we already reached a point where we are family to each other already? That I am willing to be responsible for your health, safety and happiness and vice-versa? I see no point in giving up my personal space for anything less than a truly committed, long-term relationship.

Lauren Elizabeth
wrote on November 19 2009 @ 12:32 pm: [report]

what does it mean when a man comes up with the idea for moving in then changes his mind weeks before the big day and the girl has already gotten the place and is excited to be taking the next step? This is what is happening with me and its frustrating. His reasoning is that he wants to “establish” himself. he says he is still in love with me but hes afraid its moving to fast. we have been long distance for about 7 months and now we are finally getting stationed together and hes getting cold feet? what is going on in a guys head with that?

onewriter
wrote on November 19 2009 @ 06:46 pm: [report]

Maybe it’s suddenly real, and not long distance and he doesn’t want real, he wants the idea not the tangible…just a thought