Mind Of Man: We Watch Porn, So What?
Posted by: John DeVore
Filed in:
guys
9:00AM, Thursday April 2nd 2009
It has recently come to my attention that there are ladies out there who think that their man drooling over pornography is tantamount to adultery. If you truly believe this, you should either dump him ASAP, with extreme prejudice, or accept that you’re going to have to live with his mistress. Dudes watch porn.
You are a girlfriend, not a warden, especially when it comes to the sanctity of his brainwaves, and the contents of said brainwaves. Thinking is not a crime.
Let’s talk about porn. But before we get into why you really need to get over the fact that your boyfriend or husband has BigJigglyPoopers.com bookmarked, let’s be honest with one another. I know for a fact that women are turned on by videos of people going at it. If I had a dime for every girlfriend I had who, at one point, sheepishly admitted to getting off to steamy, amateur lesbian porn, I’d have twenty cents. Unless you’re a time-traveling Victorian prig, chances are you’ve fallen prey to porn’s charms.
Porn is fantasy, and fantasy is the grease that the squeaky wheels of our brains crave. After all, sex is about the mind, not the pants. It’s not about slapping genitals as much as it’s about crawling inside someone’s skull and tugging the right ganglia. I have a theory that really good sex is rare, which explains our gluttonous cultural pursuit of s-e-x. Really good sex is about staring unblinkingly into another’s eyes and whispering, “I need you to trust me, not judge me. Wear this corset and talk to me in a French vampire’s accent.” If waffles are sex, fantasy is the syrup you pour over waffles.
The problem with fantasy is when it spills over into real life and warps your expectations of reality. Consuming too much porn can make it harder to reconcile the predictable tidiness of what’s on a screen with the glorious messiness of the glowing human being in front of you. Too much porn can cross the wires of a man’s libido and make him solely desirous of threesomes with giggly co-eds. And the emotional porn you ladies mainline warps your perception, too. I mean, we can’t all be Paul Rudd, OK?
Indulging in fantasy is not adultery. Now, I know many of you have “trust issues,” but you really need to get over them. You’ve been hurt before? Go write a poem on Tumblr. Trust me, you don’t want to live in a world where you can’t sex up a person you’re committed to and not be able to mentally undress hotties, take long peeps at sexy videos of naked people gurgling with pleasure, or not be able to think, “I cannot stand when this person is late!”, only to realize, once they show up, that this person is perfect, even though you know and they know you know they aren’t. You are a girlfriend, not a warden, especially when it comes to the sanctity of his brainwaves and the contents of said brainwaves. Thinking is not a crime.
Some of you may be thinking, “My man is a porn addict!” Perhaps. That is a different post. But I will add that drinking beer doesn’t make one an alcoholic. Addiction is complex, a perfect storm of physical dependency and control issues. Just because he checks YouPorn.com every once in a while on the lookout for a clip of some cute amateur chick getting railed by her boyfriend and really, really getting into it doesn’t mean he’s some kind of pervert.
I get that a lot of chicks are put off by the grotesque spectacle of a lot of the porn out there. The fake boobs, the painful contortions, the bizarre, and, let’s be honest, homoerotic emphasis on his pleasure vs. hers. I’ve interviewed a lot of porn stars in my wanton past, and I can glumly report the vast majority of them are broken, first by a flesh factory of an industry and then by a society that celebrates and scorns what they do for a living.
So, you know what? Expand his horizons and get involved in what he watches! Go to a sex shop and buy a porn together, preferably one that is chick-friendly. Explore, re-educate, subvert his habits by adopting them. Who’s clever now?
Whatever you do, don’t go looking for his stash, because you’re going to find it, especially if he says he “doesn’t have one.” Surely you have better things to do than search through his browser’s history. If he’s cheating on you, you’ll know, and you won’t have to snoop. If he’s cheating, he’s probably not looking at porn. He’s probably not sleeping with you. And he’s a douchebag—for that, not the porn.
You could accept that he has his fantasy life, and your actual sex life would be vastly improved if you invited his secret kinks over to your secret kink’s place for a slumber party. I’m guessing you love him, right? Because if his porn is a dealbreaker, chances are the porn was just a symptom of a larger problem with the relationship. If you love him, you’re going to have to shack up with his other girlfriends. If it means anything to you, besides a love of schoolgirl Asian smut, dudes are kind of … traditionalists in the bedroom. We’re fine with straight-up, let-me-stick-it-in-you sex. Try telling him what really turns you on. Watch him turn into a prude.
TheFrisky.com is part of the Turner Sports and Entertainment Digital Network
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on April 2 2009 @ 09:19 am: [report]
I love you in a platonic way John DeVore!
You can expect lots of posts henceforth, but I can safely say that you are indeed correct, porn is a fantasy, and that is why it is awesome. I have an over active imagination and a combination of a lack of self confidence and an over abundance of worry (Possibly Aspergers) and porn helps me cope. I am not a deviant, but I am sure that some people, perhaps following my comment, will decry my wicked ways, but I have a particularly massive porn collection. Geek savvy combined with shut-in tendencies result in almost a terabyte of porn, buy hey, to each their own, right?
To all those people who say “Get out there and meet her” I say “I can’t”, so don’t bother.
EarthGoddess
wrote on April 2 2009 @ 09:32 am: [report]
I am the first to admit that I will tolerate VERY little in terms of indiscretion and disloyalty from my hubby, but I know he watches porn. Lots of porn. I know what kind he prefers, who his favorite “actresses” are, and where he keeps his stash. I’ve even watched it with him. It does nothing for me at all ... my imagination is much better than what I’ve seen onscreen.
It’s not cheating. It’s fantasy with great lighting, fake body parts, and a team of makeup and hair stylists. Nothing more.
Amelia
wrote on April 2 2009 @ 09:38 am: [report]
Great lighting? What porn is he watching?
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on April 2 2009 @ 09:41 am: [report]
@Amelia: Most likely from a studio such as Vivid Entertainment or Wicked Pictures.
EarthGoddess
wrote on April 2 2009 @ 09:41 am: [report]
@Amelia: Oh, that’s my hubby with his champagne tastes in porn! LOL
Naneenya
wrote on April 2 2009 @ 09:46 am: [report]
Mr. DeVore must really love waffles. There’s something about them in just about every post.
No judgment here! We all get our kicks somehow
EarthGoddess
wrote on April 2 2009 @ 09:53 am: [report]
@Cheese: Oh yeah .... that’s the kind he watches. Very “high quality”, very produced, very choreographed, everyone looking perfect from all angles, etc. Nothing amateur for him!
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on April 2 2009 @ 09:56 am: [report]
@EarthGoddess: Amature and homemade are good once in a while too.
EarthGoddess
wrote on April 2 2009 @ 10:03 am: [report]
@Cheese: As I said, the entire genre does nothing for me personally, but his opinion is that if you’re going to indulge in the fantasy, don’t indulge with average looking people. He likes what he likes, I guess. To each his own.
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on April 2 2009 @ 10:12 am: [report]
@EarthGoddess: I remember what you said, I just enjoy embellishing the conversation. In my book, variety is the spice of life.
Personally, I am a collector, so when a scene from an actress comes out, I MUST HAVE IT. There is a good possibility that I won’t even watch it.
EarthGoddess
wrote on April 2 2009 @ 10:14 am: [report]
@Cheese: I think you may need to join Porn Anonymous or something ... LOL kidding!
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on April 2 2009 @ 10:20 am: [report]
@EarthGoddess: Here is my take, they are just actresses. It’s similar to the housewife who has to watch Access Hollywood every night to get her ‘Star Fix’.
EarthGoddess
wrote on April 2 2009 @ 10:21 am: [report]
@Cheese: Must be why I love HGTV so much ... it’s House Porn! LOL
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on April 2 2009 @ 10:23 am: [report]
@EarthGoddess: HGTV is like heroin for my mother, buth the porn analogy works as well.
vanya
wrote on April 2 2009 @ 10:26 am: [report]
Empresslicious
wrote on April 2 2009 @ 11:06 am: [report]
I agree with this article. Their is nothing so serious about Porn. Porn is just fantasy that could very well be used in the bedroom with your partner. For instance, what do you think sex therapists suggest for couples that are having a lack of sex to do? Porn! Porn is not adultery nor is it consider cheating it is something that has been around for who knows how long and it is consider an act of stimulation. At least give the guy some credit for telling his girlfriend that he has a Porn Fetish! Geesh at least he is being honest
becktasm
wrote on April 2 2009 @ 11:15 am: [report]
And why CAN’T you all be Paul Rudd? HUH? WHY?
“You’ve been hurt before? Go write a poem on Tumblr.”
Good article, but that line was very douchey.
Naneenya
wrote on April 2 2009 @ 11:28 am: [report]
To porn or not, it’s your own decision - make your own lines of what is appropriate or not.
I will throw this in there though: If I were going to paint my bedroom, I wouldn’t just say “hm, I’ll paint it blue!” I would look magazines, blogs, tv shows, to get some inspiration and then determine what would work best in my space.
Moral issues aside, isn’t porn just the same thing?
Humble Bee
wrote on April 2 2009 @ 01:03 pm: [report]
My ex was not that great in bed, so I once got up from the bed, turned on his computer and said, “Type in your favorite porn site, and lets watch it” He was sooo shy about it, he literally turned the computer screen away from me, so I wouldn’t see it. (I thought that was kind of rude, and selfish of him) We broke up eventually, he didnt like enough porn for my tastes,.. I Kid, but he WAS very introverted, even after 4 years of dating. The most he would do was spank me, and he spanked me like if he was spanking a 2 year old….
Instead of me having porn files on my computer, if you go to my Tivo. hahaha. Good luck finding movies. Its kind of girly porn, more clean cut, but I have seen some dirrty ones, and admit to enjoying them. I swear if you saw me and knew me, you would NEVER in a million years guess that I have a porn collection. hahaha. Which cracks me up…
Great Article Mr. John
missduplicity
wrote on April 2 2009 @ 01:13 pm: [report]
....I love steamy, amateurish lesbian porn.
That makes thirty cents. Now you can buy a tissue to prepare yourself for your next venture into big, jiggly pooper land.
Excellent article, I just wish more chicks would admit to watching/liking porn in the comments section. Pretending that men are the only ones who watch porn is like pretending that we don’t double click our mouse, either.
marshmallows
wrote on April 2 2009 @ 01:30 pm: [report]
This post is really timely for me! I just had the exact opposite conversation with my bf. He told me recently that he’s vowed off porn, so far for a month and a half. I was actually concerned! I want him to enjoy himself if he really feels like it, and I certainly don’t expect him to get all his sexual fantasies from interactions with me.
After assuring me he has no guilt issues with it, he said he’d just “rather use his imagination.” So I guess we’re just atypical. Especially because I still sure as hell watch porn!
EarthGoddess
wrote on April 2 2009 @ 01:32 pm: [report]
@missduplicity: I admit to double-clicking ... everyone does it, I’m sure. While I don’t like porn itself, I absolutely love erotic stories (especially literotica.com submissions) and usually find myself immersed in the lesbian section more often than traditional erotica, probably because a lot of the erotica out there that features men is written from a very for-his-pleasure-only slant. I read and let my mind fill in the blanks ... much better. Kind of like in other genres where the book is ALWAYS better than the movie.
missduplicity
wrote on April 2 2009 @ 01:41 pm: [report]
@EarthGodess…
Ohh, I forgot to mention smut writing! LOL. It’s like the annoying, chicky, frou-frou salad version of porn that’s for girls only. It’s like…the pink nailpolish of porn. But it still counts, lol.
Generally, I agree that the “book is better than the movie,” but my lazier instincts usually have me reaching for my stash of college sorority girls on YouTube before I’ll consider reaching for a juicy book.
EarthGoddess
wrote on April 2 2009 @ 01:45 pm: [report]
@missduplicity: To each her own ....
sailorbev
wrote on April 2 2009 @ 02:20 pm: [report]
OK so some guys take it too far. If you can’t go a day without watching some oblong boobed girl get facially and/or anally brutaized than you should probably get professional help.
But watching two (or three or four or more!) sexy people get it on is not a crime. It’s healthy and normal!
I love porn and erotica, maybe a little too much sometimes! I love sex and sexuality and I’m not afraid to admit I probably watch or read everyday, depending on my work schedule.
If you genuinely feel that your boyfriend/husband has a problem with porn talk to him like an adult, not a misbehaving child. And if you have a problem with porn, good luck finding a guy that doesn’t watch and enjoy it!
I think more ladies should get into porn, it’s not gross (at least some of it isn’t) and if you look hard enough you’ll probably find something that hits all the right buttons!
writergirl
wrote on April 2 2009 @ 03:28 pm: [report]
My romance novel habit (and I write them) is probably more consuming and more expensive than my husband’s porn habit.
Does that mean *I* am cheating on him?
Excellent article, John!
MoonBabye
wrote on April 2 2009 @ 05:16 pm: [report]
My offer’s still on the table!
Best article to date, Mr. Man.
I want porn and I’m all woman. I feel amused by how sheepish guys get when you admit that/invite them to watch with you. Knowledge is power and if you want to be a better lover, you seek to step out of the box.
nocive
wrote on April 2 2009 @ 07:43 pm: [report]
For me, it’s not the kinky sex that bothers me - I mean, that’s how I like it. The reason I don’t like porn is because it makes me realize how inferior I am to other girls and no guy will ever forgive me for not looking like that. I would never, ever try to stop a guy from looking at porn, nor do I consider it adultery, but the tacit criticisms still do hurt.
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on April 2 2009 @ 07:53 pm: [report]
Wait, what? How do you consider yourself inferior?
supersoup
wrote on April 2 2009 @ 08:01 pm: [report]
@nocive: My thoughts exactly. I have never been able to enjoy porn because it just brings out every insecurity I have about my body and my abilities in the sack (and trust me, there are plenty). When I know a guy I am with is watching porn, I can’t shake the feeling that this is him saying “I wish you looked like this, I wish you would let me do this to you, I wish you were better at this” etc…
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on April 2 2009 @ 08:05 pm: [report]
@SuperSoup: No no no, I don’t feel like that either. It’s a fantasy that’s it. If you don’t believe me, tell me your insecurities, and I’ll tell you how I’d still like to do it.
theoldman
wrote on April 2 2009 @ 08:07 pm: [report]
I think that the real issue is how secure women are in their image of themselves. The list above I would say are very secure in their image of themselves. Women I have known who have issues with porn are very insecure or have low self esteem so they feel threatened. The commentators above I suspect regularly prove to their SO that they are better and more desirable than any porn film star so you do not feel threatened. Well maybe Sylvia Kristal in Emmanuelle( if you have never seen this one find it it is truly erotic) might or Shauna Grant in Virginia or Alice in Wonderland An X rated Musical Comedy with Kristine De Belle (she was a Ford Agency model at one point). But most porn films are no better or worse than the Romance novels you read. The double standard I see is that men don’t rag on women about their trashy books.
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on April 2 2009 @ 08:11 pm: [report]
@theoldman: Wow, you are old, I’ve never heard any of those, and I am the the resident porn expert around here.
nocive
wrote on April 2 2009 @ 08:15 pm: [report]
@ CheeeeEEEEse:
Well, how on earth could I NOT consider myself inferior to those women? They’re pretty much perfect, whereas I am hopelessly flawed. Instead of pretending that I don’t know that’s how the male (and probably female) population sees me, I’ll keep myself from looking foolish.
supersoup
wrote on April 2 2009 @ 08:16 pm: [report]
@theoldman: I 100% agree with the self-image thing, that’s what I was trying to get across in my post. And I hate romance novels/movies…
@Cheese: My insecurities are what would mostly be considered the standard insecurities women have. I tell my boyfriends I will be comfortable with porn when I see someone who looks like me in it.
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on April 2 2009 @ 08:22 pm: [report]
@nocive: You missed what I was asking, why do you think you are inferior, because that is a can of worms you opened by saying it. What, you thing your breasts aren’t big enough, #&@$% that #&@$%, I like little breasts, you hair isn’t blond, it’s not a big deal to me, you aren’t thin as a rail, nobody with a real job is. See what I mean, what you think are insecurities really aren’t.
@SuuperSoup: I don’t know what you look like, so I can’t pass judgment on what actress in porn you have a sort of resemblance to.
nocive
wrote on April 2 2009 @ 08:23 pm: [report]
And @ theoldman
I really hope that you’re not insinuating that I read those piece of #&@$%, trashtastic, mind-numbingly insipid romance novels. They defile the name of novel and honestly should not be allowed to be published. Not because of their sexual content, but because of the hackneyed syntax and their abuse of prose in general. For the life of me, I can’t understand how women get off to those books - since when has stupidity been a turn-on?
EarthGoddess
wrote on April 2 2009 @ 08:26 pm: [report]
I feel that if your SO loves you, he/she will consider you the BEST they could ever imagine, flaws and all. If you concentrate on what you feel is negative, then so will your partner. Don’t be obnoxious about it, but flaunt your best features and that’s what they will see ... your imperfections will fade away. I don’t look at all like the porn stars my hubby enjoys, but I believe it when he tells me that he’d rather have me than anyone else. I accentuate my best features, put effort into my appearance, and am confident in bed ... confidence is very sexy.
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on April 2 2009 @ 08:30 pm: [report]
@EarthGoddess: My hand considers me amazing, that is why we are so close.
EarthGoddess
wrote on April 2 2009 @ 08:35 pm: [report]
@nocive: Most would consider me to be well-read, and one of my favorite authors is a romance novelist. Very few have captured me as much as her work does. When I read her, I feel as if I have fallen into the book and am right there with the characters. I am riveted. So, please do not confuse good writing, character development, and steamy sex scenes with stupidity. On the contrary; it’s the intelligence of her writing that turns me on.
supersoup
wrote on April 2 2009 @ 08:37 pm: [report]
@Cheese: an actress who’s 5’3, 140 pounds and plagued with Italian body hair…
You state that not being blond, having giant breasts, being thin, etc are not really things to be insecure about, but if this is true then why aren’t there more porn stars who have small breasts and aren’t unhealthily skinny, etc? Because of the inescapable fact that that’s what, in general, men want. And it is with that knowledge that the woman feels as though her bf has just settled with her, that he really wants someone who’s thinner, tanner, with a better body.
The reasoning is that what men fantasize about -> what men want -> what men expect
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on April 2 2009 @ 08:45 pm: [report]
@SuperSoup: If that’s your description of yourself, I don’t see what is wrong.
nocive
wrote on April 2 2009 @ 08:47 pm: [report]
@ EarthGoddess (and all other romance novel lovers):
No offense intended! I’m pretty old-school when it comes to literature, I suppose. You in turn could criticize my literary choices for being dreadfully tedious and overly serious, so we’re even.
As for your comment prior to that.. therein lies the rub. When I hear words like that, that he’d rather be with me than anyone else, they just ring false, like something he’s obliged to say out of a false sense of duty he feels by being with me. It’d be better to hear nothing at all than such a blatant lie. But I’m glad for your confidence, and the fact that he means it.
supersoup
wrote on April 2 2009 @ 08:55 pm: [report]
@Cheese: normally neither would I, but apparently there is because what would be considered the ‘average’ woman is HORRIBLY underrepresented not only in porn but in media in general. So I guess there is something wrong…
And I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been told ‘#&@$% what other people think!’ or something to the like. I’m sure you realize how laughably impossible suggestions like this are.
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on April 2 2009 @ 08:56 pm: [report]
@SuperSoup: #&@$% that, #&@$% me.
Meg the Conqueress
wrote on April 2 2009 @ 09:08 pm: [report]
@nocive: And how are romance novels inferior in any way to porn? Just because it’s the written word doesn’t mean it has to be C.S. Lewis. That’s like saying that because something is on film it should be the next “An Affair to Remember.” And porn in any form couldn’t exactly be called a great cinematic achievement, but I don’t notice you decrying its value and therefore casting aspersions on the intelligence of the people that enjoy it—you just don’t like the feeling of insecurity that porn gives you personally.
I got my Bachelor’s degree in English, and I’m here to tell you that romance novels, especially historical ones, can be as well-thought-out, detail-oriented, and written with a depth of emotion not found in much of the “literature” I’ve read. They have to have those qualities in order to get published. Yes, it can be formulaic, but that really isn’t the point of reading them.
Meg the Conqueress
wrote on April 2 2009 @ 09:20 pm: [report]
Oh, forgot to mention that I somewhat agree about feeling insecure about my guy’s porn-lovin’. No, I don’t consider it adultery in any way, shape or form. But it’s hard not to have that little persistent feeling in the back of my mind that I can’t possibly measure up to the plastic bimbos used in the movies, no matter how cool I try to act about it. I see it as more of a legitimate concern than a self-confidence neurosis because I’m generally very confident. I know how I look naked, though, and it isn’t how the porn actresses look naked, and I know that he notices the difference. He’d have to. I know that if he really loved me, it wouldn’t matter to him, but every girl wants to be her guy’s ideal fantasy, right? And it’s kind of hard to do when a different fantasy is being played out on the screen. He’d probably wonder how he measured up, literally, if I started watching guy-on-guy porn with men hung like horses.
supersoup
wrote on April 2 2009 @ 09:36 pm: [report]
@Meg: That’s an interesting thought. I had always gotten the feeling that (in general) men take porn and sexual fantasies much less personal than (in general) women do, and therefore would be less prone to feeling insecure about something like their woman watching guy on guy porn. A man’s point of view would be appriciated.
ClatieK
wrote on April 2 2009 @ 10:15 pm: [report]
@nocive: Your comments made me so sad. :(
I don’t like professional porn because the abusive back-stories of the female actresses are so incredibly present to me—I can’t see past the reality into the fantasy. Amateurs only, please!
fallenangel915
wrote on April 2 2009 @ 10:45 pm: [report]
I wouldn’t WANT to measure up to the plastic bimbos in those movies. Who gives a damn. I am who I am, stretch marks, c-section scar and all, and I don’t care about what you fantasize about. I have fantasies, too, and trust me, your mini beer gut rubbing against my post-baby belly may not be aesthetically attractive on camera, but who cares as long as we are enjoying each other? I watch porn, he watches porn, but I don’t have anything to feel insecure about, because at the end of the day, I am the one who is there with him.
EnlightenMe
wrote on April 2 2009 @ 11:22 pm: [report]
@Nocive
Having followed the conversation here off and on, my mouth literally almost hit the floor when I got about halfway through your last post. First of all because I thought you were commenting directly about EarthGoddess’s husband (then realized you really weren’t, I think), and second, because I couldn’t believe in general what you said.
Do you really, HONESTLY think that about the words that come out of your partner’s mouth? That person made the conscious decision to choose you, YOU!, out of every other girl on the planet because you complete him. You satisfy his only half-filled shell of an existence. He wouldn’t be able to go on if you weren’t there to share in, and be a part of, his life! And yet you think that when he says something as “cliche” as the honest-to-god truth that he is flat out lying through his teeth? You’ve got to be kidding me. I really don’t mean any offense here, but the ignorance of what you say astounds me. The only conclusion I can draw from your comment is that you’ve been hurt before by someone in the past (in which case I am very sorry) or that you don’t think that you’ll ever actually hear those words directed at you and are frustrated by the women that have (which is still completely understandable).
Please don’t take my comment as an insult, because it is not meant to be. When I say that your thought was ignorant, I know that my own opinion is ignorant as well. Let’s be honest, there are a lot of guys out there that probably think exactly what you say they do, but does that mean you should give up hope in relationships or in true, unadulterated love? Why should you stop believing that there is that perfect somebody out there for you? It’s really a self-fulfilling prophecy if you ask me, if you don’t believe in what you want, then it will be impossible for you to obtain it.
I’m a big mush when it comes to romance, I can’t wait until I am in a position where I can finally say, “I love this woman!” It’s something that I think about almost every day, and I know that when I tell her those words, “Baby, all I need is you,” I can bet my soul they’re truer than anything I’ve ever said in my entire life.
fallonthecity
wrote on April 3 2009 @ 02:26 am: [report]
@EnlightenMe:
“You satisfy his only half-filled shell of an existence. He wouldn’t be able to go on if you weren’t there to share in, and be a part of, his life!”
Woah. The dude you described is a depressing sounding individual :(
Porn is fine. I like porn. I’d be concerned if my guy had a fixation on some especially disturbing or violent genre, or watched so much porn that it took over his life or affected our relationship, but in general? No big deal.
Amelia
wrote on April 3 2009 @ 05:55 am: [report]
@nocive Go back and read more “Mind of Man” columns. John also writes a lot about how those “flaws” are what men LOVE about women.
EarthGoddess
wrote on April 3 2009 @ 06:40 am: [report]
@EnlightenMe: I think your sentiments are right on track ... my hubby was a “player” and went from girl to girl to girl when he was in his 20s. He was shameless and his exploits are the stuff of legend among his circle of guy friends. No one could believe that any woman could “tame” him as I have. When you find the right one, you just know, and things fall into place. That’s why I honestly believe him when he tells me that I’m the only one he could ever want. He said he doesn’t love me just with his body, or his mind, or his heart ... he loves me more than that, he loves me with his soul in a way that cannot be broken. It’s not scripted, or cliched, it’s the truth. I know it is because I feel the same way about him.
sparklestar
wrote on April 3 2009 @ 07:50 am: [report]
Argh, OK… a pro-porn post. A small warning - I did my undergraduate dissertation (20,000 words) about pornography and exploitation in the industry so I’ve done my research about this.
Pornography is not just “harmless fun” or another pastime. It’s not like watching a tv show which contains celebrities who have chosen to be there because although these pornstars are ‘actresses’ a lot of them in the business are also EXPLOITED.
The amount of money a woman gets paid for performing in one of these movies is generally related to what she will to do in order to get it. A woman who will do double penetration (anal and vaginal at the same time) will get paid around $500 a scene. A scene maybe takes around 4-8 hours to film and she needs to ‘perform’ the whole time. If a woman is deemed to be too fat, too skinny, too anything by the movie studio then they can turn her away halfway through filming and not have to pay her a dime.
The amount of money a woman in porn gets paid compared to how much the studios will make from selling a copy of her performing over and over again is PITTANCE. They get paid less than minimum wage and men get paid even less. A woman’s porn career will generally last until they hit 25 and then they’re not really needed after that… if she was lucky enough to get in at 18.
You see the “big stars” like Sascha Grey and Stoya working for recognised studios such as Digital Playground or Wicked Pictures and hey, that’s great. They probably get paid on time, have a union and maybe they aren’t as exploited as other women in the industry.
We might say “it’s her choice to do this”... how do you know? Were you there when the filming was taking place? A high profile case in point for this would be that Max Hardcore is currently serving time for the things he did whilst he was a porn director. His girls were bullied into doing things they didn’t want to do and many suffered injuries at his hands.
The very small number of recognised porn actresses probably get to choose their movies and the working conditions but what about the rest? What about the nameless thousands of girls on webcams, working for low-budget studios and filmed secretly who are also out there?
Pornography is not regulated. There is little legislation which governs studios. Around 80% of the sex workers in London (I’m in the UK) are imported from other countries and this includes the ones who work in porn. They work webcams at night and in brothels during the day and the police are working to undercover these shady studios. They are promised a rich life when they move away from their war-torn countries and end up in the UK/USA with their passport/documents removed from them and forced into sex work/pornography.
So next time you think “this is just harmless fun”... just consider who could be getting hurt, the circumstances that girl/guy ended up doing the movie and just who is actually having a harmless fun time as a result. By watching and indulging in pornography you are feeding into an industry which is hurting a lot of people and perpetrating out-of-date misogynistic myths about women.
sparklestar
wrote on April 3 2009 @ 07:51 am: [report]
Then again, nobody ever thinks of who is getting hurt if they’re getting their rocks off…
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on April 3 2009 @ 08:03 am: [report]
@Sparklestar: Thats why I stick to the studios. And anyway, Max Hardcore is a freak, he is totally #&@$% in the head, and I think he should stay in jail.
EnlightenMe
wrote on April 3 2009 @ 08:53 am: [report]
@fallonthecity
Well what I described there may have been a little exaggerated, but it was to make a point. Your soul mate should never, imo could never, lie to you in that way. Nocive should believe in the positive values of relationships more than she does, I personally think that HER outlook on life is depressing.
retro chic
wrote on April 3 2009 @ 09:44 am: [report]
Hey, John, let’s have a show of hands for all ambi-talented multitasking Friskers out there as we speak…
As a topic?
It has strains of Anthro class… Men seek quantity and variety—women seek quality and evolved connections. In the virtual world no one ever says No and dominates the scene, but in real life, even the damn egg says Yes or No to the approved lucky sperm.
As an activity?
Porn for me is like watching a TV dinner twirl in the micro. I get it for guys, tho. Don’t think it’s cheating at all… just underachievement in the imagination department. I suspect it’s a form of *sexual spectrum developmental disorder* (not talking about actual people dealing with that, nrn). I’m the oddy where sometimes reality exceeds fantasy, so I’m afraid of polluting or jinxing whatever’s working.
Philosophically?
It’s not a judging matter of good/bad, right/wrong, cheating/loyal—just levels of intimate erotic fulfillment that can be enjoyed. I think porn limits that, and men cheat themselves ultimately. Reality is, porn is here to stay and goes way back, yep, to Anthro class. Somewhere out there must be porn cave paintings preserved in jizz, and some poor wench committing unnatural acts with animals and rocks “for her supper.”
Exploitation?
Hell yeah. I have Sparklestar’s back on that part of the program. For the reasons she’s named it’s just bad news.
retro chic
wrote on April 3 2009 @ 09:55 am: [report]
Ooops: Correx to post: In first para “Topic”, lines 3&4;should read:
“... no one ever says No and THE MAN dominates the scene…”
Thanks-rc
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on April 3 2009 @ 09:59 am: [report]
@Retro Chic: What does Metaphysics have to say about it?
bunnymatic
wrote on April 3 2009 @ 10:00 am: [report]
is something wrong with me? i watch more porn than my boyfriend. as a matter of fact, i’m usually the one to pop the dvd in at times when we’re getting it on. i’m far from conceited, but we are two very good looking people. our self-esteems are pretty established. i never felt uncomfortable spewing the lewdest of descriptions of the females on screen (perhaps because i have an attraction to them as well). do the rules change when there is a girl in the relationship that gravitates towards the center of the kinsey scale?
what’s the problem with visual stimulation? i think its great for the imagination. i’d like to know where i would stand in such a situation, considering that i watch it much more and i don’t consider myself cheating (and neither does he).
bunnymatic
wrote on April 3 2009 @ 10:00 am: [report]
and oh, as always, john devore is absolute genius in hiding.
retro chic
wrote on April 3 2009 @ 10:04 am: [report]
@CheeeEEEse: Who’s Metaphysics?
develange
wrote on April 3 2009 @ 10:04 am: [report]
porn is totally hot, as long as your guy keeps #&@$% you and doesn’t constantly ask why you don’t have a huge squirting orgasm from penetration. That’s the place where a line should be drawn . . . understanding reality (for the most part) vs. fantasy.
retro chic
wrote on April 3 2009 @ 10:13 am: [report]
@Develange: That’s what I mean… no one has to ask me for that one, and only happens with my current longtime BF. “That’s all I have to say about thayat.”
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on April 3 2009 @ 10:40 am: [report]
@Retro Chic: Determinism vs. Free Will and porn, go.
Lauralicious
wrote on April 4 2009 @ 03:13 pm: [report]
@Develange - Exactly! Porn is fun and a good fantasy to get off on - Fantasy being the key word. I’m fairly sure that most men met with oil-covered balloon-boobs shrieking like harpies in supposed ecstasy would be more alarmed than turned on. (Although I could be wrong.)
And yes, John, you can add another female lover of porn to your list. One thing though - does the man ALWAYS have to come on the girl’s face?? Drives me crazy!
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on April 4 2009 @ 04:13 pm: [report]
@Lauralicious: Would stomach, hair, ass, or feet be better?
Lauralicious
wrote on April 5 2009 @ 11:36 am: [report]
@CheeeeEEEEse - Yes. All of the above. Well, maybe not hair.
Sofjna
wrote on April 5 2009 @ 06:50 pm: [report]
@Lauralicious- but it’s suppose to be a good conditioner for your hair. Then again, so are some other gross things.
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on April 5 2009 @ 08:00 pm: [report]
@Lauralicious: I was just being a goof, that really didn’t need to be answered.
MissJennLynn
wrote on April 5 2009 @ 09:10 pm: [report]
Ok, I would be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy porn. I definitely use it as inspiration. However, I was a little weirded out when I noticed my boyfriend only watching asian porn. I will never be or look like an asian, so wtf?? Perhaps I am alone in feeling like this, but I don’t search for a specific type of person. People just getting it on works for me…
sailorbev
wrote on April 5 2009 @ 09:53 pm: [report]
there is a kind of porn for every body type. the website i go to has a catagory for everything. small boobs, big boobs, skinny, big, old, young, even hermaphrodites! guys like it all, just because some porn “stars” have huge fake tits and six-pack abs doesn’t mean that that’s what guys want. It’s just what’s most available.
For me, I skip any porn that has fake tits. they’re usually gross and not very well done. Or way disproportionate to the woman’s body. I like ‘em real, small or big!
sarrahrocks
wrote on April 6 2009 @ 10:53 am: [report]
I understand that my guy watches porn - he doesn’t hide it all the well. But it’s becoming such a problem now that he won’t have sex with me anymore. I’ve tried, begged, discussed, bought toys, everything to try and get him to have sex with me… and during/after I feel used like I’m a chore on the list… 2 minutes and he’s done (everytime). I’m really at a loss because he clams up and won’t talk to me about the issues.
Anonuk
wrote on April 7 2009 @ 06:58 am: [report]
Am I the only woman who wishes her husband did look at porn? Apparently he doesn’t wank either (and I’ve made it very clear I’d be happy if he did so if he’s lying…why?).
I’d love to be able to share porn, make things more interesting.
Humble Bee
wrote on April 7 2009 @ 12:30 pm: [report]
@Sailorbev,
I think we watch the same porn site. hahahaha
@all the insecure girls who can’t watch porn, (supersoup, Nocive)
NOT ALL PORN HAS TO HAVE PERFECT BLONDE BIMBOS, there is amateur, fat porn, skinny porn, theres freaking Pirate porn for crying out loud! All kinds of people like to record themselves doing the dirrty. You don’t have to watch Barbie and Ken getting it on, find the one you like the best, and practice being more secure! I feel like you guys are in the “pity me group”, You guys find so many excuses to hate yourself and your body, that self-hate is probably portrayed in your daily life. If you feel that way about yourself, don’t doubt that other people will too. I’ve seen the Prettiest Ugly people, they are so genuinely nice, confident, it makes them so gorgeous, you forget about that hairy back and beer gut that the even start looking like George Clooney.
nightshade
wrote on April 8 2009 @ 11:11 am: [report]
Just for the record,
It’s not just me who watch porn, women all enjoy a good flick. Men are just more open about it then women are. It’s ok guys you were born that way. Women have more class about things they do regaring sex and what they do. Me myself I love a good porn. I’m past the stage of caring what other people think. I have a nice collection and plan on adding to it. Look at porn as new ideas,interest,positions,the list could go on. Women need to find the ones they like and men need to watch and get an insite to thier women. Men don’t be such pigs, your so fresh!
solo92
wrote on April 8 2009 @ 08:37 pm: [report]
I have to disagree. I myself am a porn hater. I find it very embarrassing and very degrading to our sex (females and men). It gives both of a us bad names, and it just shows our maturity level. Porn is something guys do, when they feel rejected or they are just bored and want to beat the meat. I mean seriously, you can be 40 maybe 50 years old, and you still look at it? That just shows you SERIOUSLY need to go out and find yourself a date on Eharmony.com and get over your childish “fantasies” of people having sex. If you have fantasies, why not go do them! Share your thoughts with a partner, and maybe they will feel the same, don’t just go behidn your girlfriend’s back and beat off to some sick porno you found on youtube or google for God’s sake.
I mean, honestly. Would you rather be doing it than watching it? I know there are men out there who can’t exactly get a girlfriend that easily. Well, I’ll tell you this, keep trying! Everyone was made to have a lover, and everyone was made to have a partner. Find her/im, and share your thoughts with that person. Don’t be cooped up in a dark room for the rest of your life, just to sit around, be lazy, get fat and beat off to some video of two people doing it, and possibly sharing an STD. Its creepy, trust me. So get a life, do it instead of watch it.
Save yourself the trouble of being a pedophile or some kind of soliciter of sex. your supposed to be the man right? Well, get yourself a girl and be that man! Not every girl likes porn you know…
solo92
wrote on April 8 2009 @ 08:49 pm: [report]
I do think it is cheating though. I mean, you’d rather beat off to a so called “good porno” than have sex with your wife/girfriend. Your basically looking at another woman, getting doggy style or giving head. What’s so special about that? When you could be watching it first hand with your partner? It’s immoral and degrading to all. I’m sorry to those who disagree with me, but come on! It is sick you know… I;m no prude, definately not a feminist, and exspecially I’m no victorian prig… I just think its a little demeted is all. I think sex is ment for one special person, and here, your wasting the energy on a damn porno you bought or found on a website of Playboy or something.
How can women like that? I still don’t understand how, it can be so stimulating to anyone… Well, what ever floats your boat I guess.
joyy
wrote on April 8 2009 @ 10:13 pm: [report]
@solo92 - I don’t think I ever met a guy who wasn’t at least occasionally entertained by porn. Do you find your stance gets in the way of dating/finding acceptable men/partners for you? just curious.
@sailorbev & humblebee (and others) - any tips for finding a decent porn site? The few times I’ve looked, I get super paranoid that I’m going to get a virus checking out different sites and subsequently wreck my computer, and that kind of puts a damper on things. I actually did end up with a virus after one of the last times I looked around, but there’s no way to know if porn was actually the culprit since it didn’t happen *right* afterwards. *shrug* Unfortunately, what I find on my bf’s laptop is actually a little dull, otherwise I’d just poach his finds
solo92
wrote on April 9 2009 @ 10:22 am: [report]
@joyy- Actually, I don’t. I don’t really find myself carring to have a relationship with anyone at the moment. I have had one in my entire life span so far, and I’m perfectly happy to know, I have many years ahead of me to which I can have as many relationships as I want. The fact that my oppinion on this subject DOESN’T get in the way of my relationships is actually pretty good, I think. Though some of you beg to differ… I have never had a “partner” in bed, so I am proud to say I still have my virginity. And I don’t plan on giving it up till the right time. Then again, that’s more of a personal matter…
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on April 9 2009 @ 10:29 am: [report]
@Joyy: Depends on what you are looking for. If you just want pics and smallish vids check out Tiava. Just Google that “Tiava”.
DontHaveAnyCoolName
wrote on April 10 2009 @ 06:58 am: [report]
@joyy: I think you are very smart to be concerned about picking up virtual cooties on porn sites. I believe your best protection is to pay for your porn. I recommend a site, http://www.redclouds.com. It is a pay site, basically all amateur, and can give you either pics or short vids. I’ve been a member for about 5 yr, and have never picked up a virus.
betsy stardust
wrote on April 13 2009 @ 06:03 pm: [report]
it’s soooo trendy for women to be like, “i loooove porn! i watch it all the time! i watch it more than my boyfriend does!” etc. ugh… all that #&@$% just makes me roll my eyes. it’s so cool to be “one of the boys,” or whatever.
read “female chauvanist pigs.” i spelled that wrong, but whatever.
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on April 13 2009 @ 06:42 pm: [report]
@Betsy Stardust: I have.
greenmona011
wrote on April 15 2009 @ 12:43 pm: [report]
Great Article, so true. I love porn, & i even think i watch it more than my fiance, lol, when he is unavailable, either way, we share his stash, lol, so fake thou, i wish i could make my own movies, or maybe look for better porn than his stash HEHE.