Mind Of Man: Does Every Man Want To Have A Threesome? (Answer: Yes! Also: No!)
Posted by: John DeVore
Filed in:
guys
12:45PM, Wednesday October 22nd 2008
Here’s a 110% true fact: the guy you’re dating has definitely imagined having a threesome with you and the waitress from last night, his hot co-worker, or your best friend. Totes disgust, amiriiiiight?
While you’re squirming over how grossoholic men are, telling yourself “My boyfriend would NEVER want to have a threesome between me and my best friend Megs,” allow me to inform you that women are far kinkier, nastier, and sexually adventuresome than the testicle enabled. More on THAT, later.
Dudes just love the idea of a threesome, but we know, on a gut level, it’s probably not a good idea. Like raising a pet shark, or inventing bacon-flavored toothpaste.
To dudes, having a threesome with two chicks is the Holy Grail of sexual conquest. And like the Holy Grail, it is a mythical ideal, a fruitless quest. Dudes just love the idea of a threesome, but we know, on a gut level, it’s probably not a good idea. Like raising a pet shark, or inventing bacon-flavored toothpaste.
Men love threesomes, partly, for the same reason we love all-you-can-eat buffets. We’re gluttons, and want more beer, more bacon, and more boobs. Two vaginas are better than one! The problem with buffets is they aren’t the place to get quality anything.
I understand that the thought of two naked, undulating bodies is aesthetically awesome and sexually arousing. See, I’m not into actually going through with a threesome. I am sufficiently challenged by having to summon one orgasm, or many, from one woman. Having to get it on with two chicks seems like guaranteeing failure. I’m a sex centaur, for sure. But someone is going to be let down.
And it’s difficult enough trying to figure out who’s the inside spoon, distribution of pillows, and snoring protocol.
I mean, yes, two women sucking face is hot. Very hot. Men are obsessed with lesbians. Lesbian porn is one of the most beloved spank genres, and the reason it captivates is because men are drawn to the spectacle of their own obsolescence. Moths are drawn to the flame for a reason. In the best lesbian porn, when two women go at it, they really seem to enjoy it. Men are therefore erotically redundant. We’re just sperm boats. Subconsciously, it’s morbidly thrilling.
And since it’s two women having sex, there is a natural emphasis on both women getting their cookie. Watching a hot girl-on-girl porno, some electrical impulse goes off in the reptilian part of a man’s brain, and he realizes subconsciously that he is not needed in order to provide pleasure. We are just sperm boats. Again, it’s morbidly thrilling.
And what about threesomes between two guys and a girl? Besides frat boys who love to high five during coitus and are unaware of their secret heart’s quiet desires, this is not a threesome most dudes want. And if they do, that’s an entirely different discussion that defies sweeping gender stereotypes. Alright, fine. If two BRODAWGS totally nail the same chick at the same time, they shall never speak of it ever, ever again. And this law applies doubly after any subsequent times.
I know two friends who have pulled off a little ménage-a-trois action. It should be noted that one threesome was instigated by a dude between his girlfriend and a chick they met at a bar. The second threesome was encouraged by a chick, her boyfriend, and a friend of hers from, ahem, yoga.
The first threesome instigated by the dude ended with him finishing within the first ten minutes. Then he sat on the couch, ate tortilla chips and watched television while his girlfriend and her friend went at it for hours. That couple never did it again, and eventually they broke up because he cheated on her with a woman whose greatest sexual fetish was the missionary position. The second threesome, instigated by the chick, was, by all accounts, a transcendent sexual experience. Until the chick broke up with the dude, and ran away with the chick from yoga. He’s a very angry, bitter man now.
Both are cautionary tales. And while I know there are plenty of open-minded, benevolently hedonistic polyamorous moral astronauts out there, the majority of guys talk a big game about sleeping with two women. They might even bring it up, playfully, and you should play along. But really, we don’t want to actually go through with it. Trust me.
I don’t want a threesome between me and whoever I’m dating. I just want the sexy comfort of the option. That’s all.
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iHEARTcats
wrote on October 22 2008 @ 12:59 pm: [report]
ZOMG IS UR BFF ROSS FROM FRIENDS?? BECUZ THAT TOTALLY HAPPENED TO ROSS TO!!! I WOULD BE ASCARED TO MOVE TO NEW YORK BECAUSE THEN LIFE WOULD BE LIKE FRIENDS AND MY BF MIGHT TURN ME INTO A LEBZIAN! LOLLLERZ!!
Amelia
wrote on October 22 2008 @ 01:02 pm: [report]
I always had a sneaking suspicion on the threesome talk was just blowing smoke!
lilo
wrote on October 22 2008 @ 02:14 pm: [report]
“In the best lesbian porn, when two women go at it, they really seem to enjoy it.”
I loved this article, but I’ve got to say, from a woman’s perspective, girl on girl action in movies looks totally fake and over the top. Case in point: really really long fingernails. Yikes!
Dan
wrote on October 22 2008 @ 06:08 pm: [report]
My lady-friend and I have done this once. It was her friend, and was a great experience. She really enjoyed it, both with her friend and me, and watching me with her friend. That part more than anything. My point is that the opportunities are few and far between. I let her do the finding, as I have no clue how to bring this up without seeming like a total pig, which I’m not. Her other friends all seem to talk a good game, but when she told them it could be a reality they all did an abrupt about face. C’est la vie I guess. Being a swinger is tougher than it seems.
Allison
wrote on October 22 2008 @ 09:32 pm: [report]
Lilo, I was just thinking of the fingernails, too! That was the first thing that popped in my head when he mentioned girl/girl porn. How could you let nails that long go… there? I haven’t seen a ton of lesbo porn, but none of what I saw was the least bit convincing.
And I totally do not agree about men being erotically redundant. How ironic that it took a man to say something so backward and, frankly, insulting. Dude, lesbians have been around forever. The vast majority of us are not lesbians. There’s a reason for this, and it’s not because we don’t know any better.
Listener
wrote on October 23 2008 @ 05:43 am: [report]
I don’t think I ever want to have a threesome; it’s enough for me to please one woman, let alone two, and as for MMF… well, let’s just say my wife only has one area open for entry, and with two guys, one of us would always be sitting there waiting our turn.
luvr
wrote on October 23 2008 @ 10:21 am: [report]
Hey I’d love the chance to satisfy two women simultaneously. I can move my hips and lips at the same time.
A Dude
wrote on October 23 2008 @ 10:55 am: [report]
LOL whut.
ThatNerdyGuy
wrote on October 23 2008 @ 11:45 am: [report]
John, what in the bloody hell are you on about? With the right girl, one is more than enough in bed… two is just asking for trouble.
Isn’t the Chinese symbol for trouble two women under one roof? Isn’t that likely to escalate if they’re under one sheet? Or on top of it?
Zacharie
wrote on October 23 2008 @ 05:45 pm: [report]
There is nothing unique about players, swingers or threesomes, living restrained to their pseudo-images, wasting your life unleashing your inner whore on the prowl. For now life is already profoundly cliche, so why would I ever again subject myself to some trite fantasy? The only benefit is having the pleasure of knowing what I do not need. I am exhausted with the sexually abusive phony archetypes…never was a ‘bag over the head’ kind of guy anyhow. Chocolate-Dipped Fear of intimacy anyone?
Michael A. Gonzales
wrote on October 26 2008 @ 09:11 pm: [report]
It’s difficult enough making one woman happy in bed…
Andy Canfield
wrote on October 27 2008 @ 08:42 am: [report]
I’m a guy. Here in Thailand I’ve tried two ladies at once. But I’ve only got one cock, so it all comes down to one at a time. And double dipping doesn’t make for deep relationships. You can’t dive underwater if you’ve got one foot in each swimming pool. Better the right one than any two. But hey, everybody should try it once.
mandi
wrote on October 27 2008 @ 09:15 am: [report]
two dudes at once is awesome, for everyone involved. guys need to grow a pair and stop worrying that someone will think you’re gay. with two cocks, the pressure’s off both of you to satisfy, plus there’s the opportunity for awesome things like DP (one of nature’s most incredible feelings), sloppy seconds, etc. and since women tend to be more nurturing and concerned that everyone is having a good time, nobody gets left out. what’s not to love?
kimmy (the dane)
wrote on October 27 2008 @ 08:55 pm: [report]
Over 35 years ago my wife and I got married.
I was a freak (hippie) and she was raised to hate hippies.
We toyed with the idea of trying a threesome.
Every time we had a chance we backed out.
We realized that we loved each other and that we didn’t need anything or anyone else to keep us happy.
The best times we have had together were not sex related. They were just times together where we held hands and said “I love you” to each other.
I apologize if I don’t fit into any categories related to this piece.
On the subject of Lesbian sex scenes: Both of us laugh at males excited about these scenes. Because these women don’t need men. These are two women out of their pool.
Men should be excited about Gay scenes because these men are not competitors for women.
mike
wrote on October 28 2008 @ 04:10 am: [report]
I’ve tried it several times with my wife (at her instigation) and found it niether trite, nor confusing, nor bad.
It’s sex, people. Lighten up. If it’s fun and it feels good and no one is threatened by it, why not?
You do realize that for thousands of years, we humans lived in tribes that didn’t have ‘rules’, that changed partners and danced at will, etc? It’s only fairly recently that we invented marriage, and all the silly things that go with it. And I love being married! But do you really think that a law imposed by man can control the human heart?
I say try it with an open mind. It’s fun.
EastCoastMale
wrote on October 28 2008 @ 01:59 pm: [report]
I have to say that being a male I find this article, a little laughable in its over generalization and assumption of male desires when every man is different and his own man. Just as women do not like being stereotyped all into one monolithic lump that act and feel the same way, neither do men. Saying that its a “0 true fact..” is offensive quite frankly because this is either coming from one man that has felt this way himself and assumes all other guys do or that talks to other men that happen to feel that way and makes the same incorrect assertion.
I for one enjoy pleasing and caring for one woman without having to think about adding others to the mix, not to say that people who do are wrong or in any way should stop, just making it totally clear that in my opinion it is not a fact and some men can spice up their relationship with the woman they’re with and not go around panting and jumping up like “dogs”. For anyone thinking it, I am totally straight and only enjoy women =).
eirahcaZ
wrote on November 3 2008 @ 06:02 pm: [report]
Some search for the perfect lay, most are just looking for some fun, a Boston tea kettle blow off. Maybe a few keep themselves in check, dominance and submission is convincing. For me, love and sex have never been the same thing, so I apologize for being uptight and obviously naive..it’s a good thing you do not know me..
All I strive for is companionship. Male or female. Regarding this topic sex is appropriate and I suppose love isn’t?
My previously spent old-fashioned triple nickel won’t buy anything but my own quasi-constipated contemplated complications. Have a good laugh round the house while I cook us dinner naked. It’s alright momma.
BKjazzed
wrote on November 5 2008 @ 10:12 am: [report]
I think you would have to have a very secure relationship to invite another person of either sex into your bed. I know people who have done it occasionally just to add a little “spice” and it hasn’t been damaging, but I personally think the fantasy is probably more exciting than reality. Nothing more sexy than one person totally focusing on you- not two.