Mind Of Man: The Greatest Sex Position Ever
Posted by: John DeVore
Filed in:
guys
12:00PM, Wednesday October 28th 2009
Dear Missionary Position,
You don’t get any respect. People think you’re old-fashioned, or bland or submissive. The other positions are more popular than you are. Flashy pornos feature kinkier ways to go at it, and popular magazines feature sex positions that would make a carnie contortionist reach for the Ben Gay. Some of those positions are just balancing acts for acrobatic show-offs more interested in human Jenga than sex. And then there’s Shakespeare, who called you the “beast with two backs.” Don’t worry, I don’t believe he wrote all those dull old plays himself either.
69 is like fondue. I think it was created in the ‘70s and should stay there. It’s aesthetically tacky and an unequal division of concentration. The “reverse cowgirl” was invented so two people could read books while having sex.
I’m never more connected with the woman I’m kneading the dough of love with than when her legs are wrapped around me, our bellies are flush against the other, and our eyes are locked. Teeth find lips, pelvises slowly grind, and skin ripples. You’re the best position to deliver that quiet, trembling post-orgasm whisper that no one can ever hear but is understood completely anyway. You’re the best. I think it’s high time someone speak up on your behalf, as you’re a classic. And between you and me, the Kama Sutra is just Sanskrit for “High Maintenance Sex For Bored People.”
I’m not knocking all other sex positions. Doggy-style is a pretty great, dirty opening act. It’s totally raw, with the hair pulling, the spanking, and the fantastic view. Speaking of view, woman on top is also a winner. She’s in control, showing you the rhythm she needs, and as I mentioned, there’s a view of her gorgeous breasts. Standing up is awesome, especially if you can’t wait to get home and she’s wearing a short skirt. And let’s hear it for marble kitchen counter tops! Yay, marble kitchen counter tops! While we’re at it, let’s cheer the boss’ desk, picnic tables, and that black chair next to the computer and web cam. There is a time and a place for the “spoon” position and that is the morning, snuggling during a dull moment in a movie, or in a loft bed with a low ceiling. Sometimes, I think shoulders were invented specifically for feet to rest on them.
But then there are the poses that are overrated, the ones that snicker behind your back. Don’t worry, missionary position. These snarls of limb and sweat are just fads. For instance, 69 is like fondue. I think it was created in the ‘70s and should stay there. It’s aesthetically tacky and an unequal division of concentration. The “reverse cowgirl” was invented so two people could read books while having sex. I’ve never understood the appeal of Tantric sex: There is absolutely nothing in this world that can occupy my attention for 12 hours straight. Sting must have an Adderall prescription.
Any sex position that uses the words “wheelbarrow,” “pretzel,” or “romp” is hereby canceled until further notice, pending review. If you see a sexual position illustration that makes a couple look like a two-headed spider, move on. I’ve seen ways to have sex that look like they require a helmet, or zero gravity, or, at the very least, a spotter. These are not ways to knock boots; they are dares.
Sexy experimentation is important to couples, but in my experience, when a woman introduces a book of sex positions, something has gone horribly wrong in the bedroom. One girlfriend did this, and I have to say that at no time during sex should a kneecap smash a nose. Freaking also shouldn’t be preceded by 30 minutes of stretching. At one point, as we slogged through ridiculous position after position, I actually thought, “This would be a whole lot easier if we were boneless, like jellyfish.” It took me a week of this carnal torture to realize the book was just a means to an end for her. She was trying to communicate with me, and the message was clear: she wanted to spice things up. So I went and bought a book, too. Only this was a book with short stories about nothing but straight-up, raunchy f**king. I asked her to read it, and to tell me the stories that made her lava flow. And then we acted them out. And after the final act, after the roman candles had fizzled out, I collapsed on top of her, and we both laughed. Because we had done it in the missionary position.
Don’t believe the hype. To quote the cosmic sex deity with calves of steel, Tina Turner: “You’re simply the best.” All the other positions are just heirs to your naughty throne. Nothing endures like face-to-face intimacy. Thanks for the good times, and here’s to many more.
Yours most truly,
TheFrisky.com is part of the Turner Sports and Entertainment Digital Network
camille905
wrote on October 28 2009 @ 11:05 am: [report]
As a woman who’s experimented witha wide range of positions- I have to agree. Missionary is hands down my favorite with doggy style a distant second.
Perceptible
wrote on October 28 2009 @ 11:09 am: [report]
ROFL!!! (Insert the usual John-adoration here.) I love missionary too. I agree, it doesn’t get the appreciation it deserves. Not even sure I can remember the last time we tried it. Hmmm… gonna bring that up with the bf tonight.
SCRMOM
wrote on October 28 2009 @ 11:15 am: [report]
Thank you! I’ve never laughed harder at anything I’ve read on this site.
shoeluvher
wrote on October 28 2009 @ 11:15 am: [report]
Missionary is the best! I like the intimacy of it and you can vary it by how the woman puts her legs and such. My boyfriend thought that it was boring when we first started dating, but I can happily say that I showed him that that is so not the case.
slip
wrote on October 28 2009 @ 11:16 am: [report]
Agreed! Missionary is the blue blazer of positions. It’s not always be the most exciting, but it’s never wrong.
Slip
bumbler
wrote on October 28 2009 @ 11:22 am: [report]
I hate 69 too! It’s so awkward. On top of that, when I’m receiving I want to lie back and enjoy. I always reciprocate and it only takes a few extra minutes to get warmed up separately. 69 just seems to be worst case scenario oral.
nadine.
wrote on October 28 2009 @ 11:25 am: [report]
John “TMI” DeVore..you are one of the main reasons I come to this site. Keep up the TMI, it is super fabulous!!
Pipi
wrote on October 28 2009 @ 11:28 am: [report]
I have to say that I agree with this. I like that there is more of a connection there. You can look at the other person, and kiss them and touch them easier. Granted when I want it crazy and dirty I go for doggy so there can be spanking and hair pulling etc.
Queen Frostine
wrote on October 28 2009 @ 11:31 am: [report]
Missionary provides (for me) the hardest hitting orgasms, because it stimulates every errogenous zone simultaneously.
With my hips up at an angle, my g-spot is getting serious action, his pelvic bone is grinding down on my clit, his chest is pressed against my breasts and his lips are in perfect position to lock on my lips, neck, shoulders and earlobes. It’s like turning all the lights on in the house one by one, until they’re all on at the same time and then the fuse box explodes from the power surge.
Goldfinch86
wrote on October 28 2009 @ 11:32 am: [report]
I love missionary, the slow rocking and then build up of it can make you both come at the same time and whats better than that? Plus you can kiss and be very intimate, now I love other positions too, but this is perfect for love making.
bumbler
wrote on October 28 2009 @ 11:33 am: [report]
I have to add that missionary is fantastic, my husband has this way, he cradles my head, puts his mouth against my ear, the whole length of our bodies rubbing together slowly *shiver* Damnit JDV can we save the sex columns for when the hubs is not away on business trips?
titsmagee
wrote on October 28 2009 @ 11:38 am: [report]
YES! I feel exactly the same way about shoulders.
MuchoMacho
wrote on October 28 2009 @ 11:43 am: [report]
you hate 69? sets me right off to know shes going while working on me… it took awhile to figure out the right angle/position, and sometimes she cant get into it, but when we both do… fireworks.
amandabear
wrote on October 28 2009 @ 11:59 am: [report]
I hate 69. It’s so awkward and never very pleasurable. Missionary doesn’t get enough credit, it’s true, but I think I’d put it 3rd on my list after doggy and girl on top.
sfdagny
wrote on October 28 2009 @ 12:02 pm: [report]
Amen! I have a rotation in bed that involves missionary when I want to feel connected, me on top when I want to feel dominant, and doggy when I want to let him set the pace and get me off 2-3 times on average (love that G-spot angle). Thank you for paying homage to the peak of the trifecta John.
Morwen
wrote on October 28 2009 @ 12:07 pm: [report]
What’s the problem about fondues?
MarieMacCee
wrote on October 28 2009 @ 12:21 pm: [report]
kneading the dough of love
hahahahaha
Loves2Spooge
wrote on October 28 2009 @ 12:22 pm: [report]
Can’t we just be a lover of all positions far and wide? It’s like being at a Brazilian steakhouse, you can have all you want of each!
jgd1208
wrote on October 28 2009 @ 12:41 pm: [report]
... and that is exactly why I love you John DeVore. xoxo
txstar
wrote on October 28 2009 @ 12:53 pm: [report]
i loved this article. you are hilarious! thank you for making me feel better about preferring missionary over those other strange positions. lol.
Steph Pro
wrote on October 28 2009 @ 01:39 pm: [report]
I cannot tell you how many times my joints (especially the hips) pop because of an over-ambitious guy trying to contort my body. As much as I enjoy remembering a hot night of sex, I like to walk without pain the next day. Missionary always feels good (as does doggy and girl on top), and that is what sex should be about: feeling pleasure. Sex shouldn’t be so complicated that the mind wanders to, “Is this really how it is supposed to be done?”
bogart4017
wrote on October 28 2009 @ 01:56 pm: [report]
I LOVE missionary. Thanks to this article i don’t feel so old-fashioned anymore. Due to size a lot of those other positions are painful for the Mrs but she never complains about missionary and her on top she climaxes in about 20 seconds and becomes multi-orgasmic!!
Laurel
wrote on October 28 2009 @ 01:56 pm: [report]
My boyfriend is bad at missionary! I don’t know quite what he’s doing wrong, but the only way he can make it work is with my legs up on his shoulders and him up on his knees.
I loved the missionary sex I’ve had with other men….I don’t know how to fix it with this one. He is about 8 inches taller than me and has a slim (lightly muscular) figure, so I don’t see why he should have trouble with this. Any help?
And doggy style is my #1 favorite, but missionary and me on top are ties for second.
Molly Jean
wrote on October 28 2009 @ 01:57 pm: [report]
“Kneading the dough of love?” You’re sooo gross. And I love it!
DancingGeek
wrote on October 28 2009 @ 02:18 pm: [report]
<sigh> This is awesome- and so true.
No one could describe it better, JDV!
iphigenia110
wrote on October 28 2009 @ 03:20 pm: [report]
I was totally expecting you to say “girl on top,” because that’s pretty much what all guys say. You surprise me, John, and I like it!
rdkilldujour
wrote on October 28 2009 @ 03:45 pm: [report]
i’ve always felt distraction was a “69” downfall… thank you for saying the words out loud.
november82
wrote on October 28 2009 @ 07:46 pm: [report]
A lot of guys these days seem to avoid missionary at all cost. I originally though it was because they wanted to come across as modern, creative, or freaky. I am beginning to think that it has more to do with intimacy or they guys I have known fear of it.
Little Lamb
wrote on October 28 2009 @ 07:53 pm: [report]
I miss missionary…a lot. My boyfriend is a larger man and always worried about squishing me (though I’ve never felt squished when we are just making out with him on top).
k_roja
wrote on October 28 2009 @ 08:31 pm: [report]
*swoon*
Tejas Teacher
wrote on October 28 2009 @ 11:16 pm: [report]
My favorite is probably woman on top. I love her setting the rhythm and the pace and, as mentioned before, her wonderful breasts in your face to caress and kiss. Missionary is my second favorite.
I like doggy as well, but I usually use that when I want to come after utilizing the other positions.
69 is nice every so often.
onewriter
wrote on October 29 2009 @ 01:42 am: [report]
This was another funny one…gonna have to send it on. Again! I agree with it too. I don’t care for 69. I can’t concentrate on me, or him if I do it at the same time, and they cancel themselves out. He’s not much of a kisser, but he loves to hold me when missionary is the game of the day, and sometimes, when I’m on top, our favorite, he holds me that way too…is very nice.
@ Little Lamb..My SO is much bigger and stronger than I too, and is always worried about squishing me, but I just wrap my legs and arms around him and show him in no uncertain terms that his weight is lovely and part of what I want. You might try that.
Once again, thanks for a great article. I’ve learned to look for them on Wed nights now so I don’t have to wait until I get the Frisky email on Thursday night. yay!!
sparklestar
wrote on October 29 2009 @ 02:49 am: [report]
“kneading the dough of love”
:D
that’s what I’m going to call it from now on
ChocoBoo
wrote on October 29 2009 @ 05:40 am: [report]
JDV
I have nothing else to add except.. I love you man! Does Frisky allow you to wear a crown @ the office?
Fast Eddie
wrote on October 29 2009 @ 06:41 am: [report]
In my single days I had 40 women and most of them were missionary position at least to start with. I still like it because it lets me see her face and feel her boobs against my chest. 69 has been fun sometimes, but mostly a little of it goes a long way. Each woman is different and positions that give satisfaction vary. The precise local of the goody box and poker play a big roll in what works for a particular pairing. Most of the time doggy style gives me he most stimulation. As my pot gut developed a little shifting of all the positions has evolved. Gawd, to be young again….
silvergurl
wrote on October 29 2009 @ 08:42 am: [report]
this makes me wanna have sex. any takers? anyone? bueller?
Riley
wrote on October 29 2009 @ 09:02 am: [report]
@Silvergurl - Even though you are asking that on a predominately female site, you’re going to get a lot of PMs.
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on October 29 2009 @ 09:06 am: [report]
Sexy times plz!
silvergurl
wrote on October 29 2009 @ 09:14 am: [report]
haha. ^ get in line
SouthOC
wrote on October 29 2009 @ 09:38 am: [report]
Bravo John! I have to say that you are by far the best and most colorful writer on The Frisky! Your articles are not only entertaining, but thought provoking as well. I laughed out loud at the “stretching before sex” mental picture!
In this case I whole heartedly agree with you on most points. After reading the results of the favorite sex position poll last week, I wondered what planet I was on.
As someone in a very happy long term relationship, I’ll add that variety is the spice of life, but missionary is the most intimate and satisfying.
bonnykate
wrote on October 29 2009 @ 10:33 am: [report]
My husband and I were just talking about this last night . . . while we were in missionary position ;D!
BigDreams09
wrote on October 29 2009 @ 12:00 pm: [report]
@Cheese Agreed, Sir!
writergirl
wrote on October 29 2009 @ 02:49 pm: [report]
John, you hit the ball out of the park again. (Now if only the Yankees could follow suit.) Great article. And I agree on all points, including the one about 69.
DancingGeek
wrote on October 29 2009 @ 04:01 pm: [report]
I added this to my favorites because everytime i read it i just want to throw down!
Nora
wrote on October 29 2009 @ 08:19 pm: [report]
Fantastic! And extremely funny. Yay for missionary! And I never thought I’d say that. But you make some very strong points.
k888h
wrote on October 30 2009 @ 07:48 am: [report]
John DeVore, I don’t know who you are. I never heard of you before today. But you are a genius. In this article, you are exactly right about everything, especially 69. Thanks for saying it.
JessieNF
wrote on October 30 2009 @ 12:28 pm: [report]
Love missionary, *hate* 69.
69ing feels exactly like trying to talk to one person and listen to another at the same time. Both giving and receiving oral require one’s attention; trying to split it does nobody justice. Plus, the guy inevitably ends up kneeling or lying on my hair, thus pinning my head to the mattress and preventing me from even getting at his target organ. (Now, that is what you call self-defeating.)
Missionary feels great, lets one gaze into each others’ eyes/tongue-kiss/bump-n-grind pelvises/etc. during the shagging, and ends in that delightful collapse of the @#$%-drunk fellow on top of one (not a threat to one’s breathing if he’s kept just enough strength in reserve to take a little of his weight on knees/elbows/etc., upon polite request).
stiffinp
wrote on October 30 2009 @ 04:11 pm: [report]
Geezum. Theirs a lot of missionary lovers and not many dissenters. I love 69, but when business time comes, I like doing 3:00 (don’t know what else to call it).
develange
wrote on October 30 2009 @ 04:33 pm: [report]
Missionary is pretty f’in awesome with the right person. It can get pretty rough and dirty. Or slow and intimate.
majicksand
wrote on October 30 2009 @ 04:39 pm: [report]
@JDV: When can we expect the book? I, for one, would definitely purchase a bound copy of all your articles. I smell a NY Times best-seller!
calenia
wrote on October 30 2009 @ 08:27 pm: [report]
My guy and I have the best sex missionary although we venture doggy style for a couple minutes for his visual senses but missionary allows him deep penetration and I can kegel clench down on him when I am not holding myself up or trying to ride him in a way that makes it super tight for him and he hits my spots so its a win for both of us. I also concur on the 69, one of us gets so distracted by the pleasure that it is hard to reciprocate simultaneously and we end up going one at a time. Thanks for reminding me this means I know what I want and get it every time rather than being boring.
redheadedrn
wrote on October 30 2009 @ 10:51 pm: [report]
Discovered this site today and just had to comment.. Freakin’ brilliant article! I thought I was just old fashioned for favoring missionary… but the face to face, body to body intimacy is the best in my book. I don’t know why 69 is such a big deal personally, too awkward and distracting. Dang, I wish I wasn’t single right now… got me all hot and bothered just reading! (-:
remembercedricdiggory
wrote on November 1 2009 @ 03:37 pm: [report]
I wouldn’t call it the best one ever…especially since everyone has their own favorite, because different people prefer different things.
But of course, my absolute favorite is very close to missionary—butterfly.
The only thing I dislike about it is that no one knows which one I’m talking about.
http://www.sexinfo101.com/sp_butterfly.shtml
stiffinp
wrote on November 1 2009 @ 03:59 pm: [report]
Hey diggory: thanks for the nice web site! Now I know what to call my 3:00 position. SCISSORS!!
remembercedricdiggory
wrote on November 1 2009 @ 04:21 pm: [report]
I may someday become accustomed to being referred to as “Diggory”. Lmao.
Well, Cedric’s better than Edward at least.
piper1233
wrote on November 1 2009 @ 04:38 pm: [report]
I have to go with the general consensus, no matter where I start, or where I stray to, I end up missionary for the big bang (If you will). Nothing like facing your partner eye to eye, or lips to forehead (shorter), noting every expressions and feeling the love clench with every pleasure filled moment.
Buhri
wrote on November 1 2009 @ 05:05 pm: [report]
Looove the missionary. I’ve never been able to keep eye contact while having sex in that position though, it just feels awkward.
rilkorten
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 11:46 am: [report]
Amen, Mr. DeVore. Amen.
onewriter
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 03:28 am: [report]
I love missionary…but then, I love being held during sex. and yes, majic…I too want to get a book of all JDV’s stuff. would even give a few away as gifts
EastCoastMale
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 10:26 am: [report]
I would say that there are two in my book.
1) With the woman on her back, the man kneels straddling her right leg (as he is viewing her) and she then crosses the other across his chest up towards his opposite shoulder. Sounds more complicated trying to explain it but basically she ends up on her side with one leg going up a bit.
2) Being on the tall side, having a woman bent over either a table or a couch definitely helps in getting the right match between my partner and I. I know it feels great for me but I definitely want to make sure it is hitting the right spot for her, I could never enjoy a position that was only a one-way pleasure street.
This is definitely a tough one because there are sooo many enjoyable ones =)
majicksand
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 10:34 am: [report]
@ECM: We do the first one all the time, so I know exactly what you’re talking about. We don’t have name for it either. We also vary it by doing the same thing with me on my back and him on his side. It’s the lazy version.
EastCoastMale
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 10:39 am: [report]
@majick
Yea I have tried that variation as well but I get restless and want to get up and um…be more spirited lol I find that it has a unique angle for both involved and allows access for me to rub her back, pull hair, do a little smacking or pay attention to the girls =)
majicksand
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 11:10 am: [report]
@ECM: Yeah, the lazy version is for those days when you can’t decide which you need more: sex or sleep.
EastCoastMale
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 11:15 am: [report]
@majick
I wont get too detailed here but there is definitely a yummy way to get both =)
Also, my laziest position would be both of us on our sides, me spooning from the back. Both of our heads never have to leave the pillows and we can even stay under the warm covers if we want. =)
majicksand
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 11:18 am: [report]
@ECM: February sex!
EastCoastMale
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 11:24 am: [report]
@majick
well yes if you both want to stay snuggly but I personally love the cold so I have no problem baring it all above the covers while she stays semi snug underneath them. I just call that last part my choice if Im wanting to be pretty lazy =)
wonderfultonight
wrote on November 4 2009 @ 12:08 pm: [report]
It’s fun to vary positions, but missionary is the greatest way to end the sexy time. It always seems so much more loving and passionate and creates a stronger “O” for us. Both of you are in the right postion to carry on with the afterplay - the giggles, kisses, extra cuddling & caressing - often the most intimate part of lovemaking(yes,I called it that.)
If you like doggie style for the guy’s view, don’t discount reverse cowgirl done with the gal leaning forward - the guy has much more to view and the gal can see something, too, if she chooses.
angel001717
wrote on November 4 2009 @ 02:42 pm: [report]
http://www.sexinfo101.com/sp_deckchair.shtml
This is basicly missionary but a little more aggressive. I love it.
wonderfultonight
wrote on November 4 2009 @ 04:09 pm: [report]
@angel I was writing about the Reverse Cowgirl with the gal facing away from the man’s face. I think you are referring to a version of the Cowgirl and you are right - that is a version of missionary and a lot of fun, too.
InTenn
wrote on November 12 2009 @ 06:59 pm: [report]
I love it missionary, my husband loves any way he can get it. He has two phrases that is spoken on a daily basis… like clockwork!
1. What’s for supper?
2. Can we have sex?
The man stays hungry and horny (sooo annoying at times)
but I love him.