Mind Of Man: The Freakiest Sex I Ever Had
Posted by: John DeVore
Filed in:
guys
11:00AM, Wednesday September 16th 2009
The old cliché warns against judging a book by its cover, and this is especially true when sizing up a lover. You just can’t tell how sexually adventurous a person is by looking at them. Appearances don’t always deceive; sometimes they just obscure the truth. And I’ve learned over the years that just because she looks Amish, doesn’t mean she doesn’t have a vibrator the size of a jackhammer under her bed.
She turned me inside out, the way a toddler does with a puppet he or she’s bored with. My nipples were twisted, fingers went in my ass, and, at one point, I think I bit my own foot.
This fact of romance became apparent to me over the span of six months many years ago. I dated two women, and both surprised me. Take the punk rock performance artist. She had so many piercings you could hear her walk down a hall, jangling like a bouquet of keys slapping against an apartment building super’s hip. She loved GG Allin, body modification magazines, and smoking hash. And when we finally slept together, with The Misfits blaring, I discovered she liked it Betty Crocker-style.
I’m not even sure any fluids were really exchanged. At any given moment, it would not have surprised me if she had produced a full-body dental dam with a hole in it. This is not to say she didn’t like sex—she did. But she had a very specific, certain way of getting the job done, and it was not what I was expecting. I’m not criticizing her; for most people, their sexual palette is a grand buffet full of all-you-can-eat surprises. She liked mashed potatoes, and her sexual smorgasbord consisted mainly of mashed potatoes, and I don’t think gravy was even an option. I was able, however, to convince her to leave her comfort zone and am proud to say I introduced her to the following kinks: sex on the couch, with the lights on, and on Tuesday.
Eventually we broke up, and I think it had something to do with the fact that I don’t know how to play the guitar. The next woman I started seeing, however, was the exact opposite. She had almond eyes, a teardrop-shaped face, and was so very heartbreakingly shy and compassionate. She worked with animals and possessed a serene, beatific aura. If you cut your finger in her presence, it would suddenly zip itself up and heal. She did not strike me as someone who was sexually experienced, and I decided I would educate her in the ways of the flesh. Why? Because I’m John DeVore: The Digital Dionysus, The Ayatollah of Heartandsoula, The Clitoris Whisperer. It was I who had taught two (TWO!) women the “reverse cowgirl” position (which, in retrospect, I admit is just doggy-style for lazy men).
The first time we banged, it was very vulnerable afterwards. The sex had been very basic, very 101, but we had a connection. As we snuggled, sweaty and giggling, she gently whispered, “Do you think that we could go to a sex toy store together?” Clearly, already, I was having a positive effect on this woman, I thought. And even though I had never been to a sex toy store in my entire life, I told her we would go together as soon as we were ready. No need to rush the blossoming of a woman who was obviously thankful that she was in bed with one John DeVore. She smiled, and before she zonked out, told me that going to a shop on New York’s Lower East Side was a perfect way to spend a Saturday, which happened to be the very next day.
We walked into the sex store, and I tried my best not to act like a stranger in a strange land. Granted, the shop itself wasn’t the temple of sleaze I had expected. It felt sort of like a Starbucks: soft jazz played; the employees were all young and hip; the décor was very clean and minimalist. And, of course, there were all the toys, oils, and fetish accoutrements. Like most guys in uncomfortable social situations, I turned the swagger on. I strolled over with her to a basket and picked up a small, circular leather thing.
“Heh, heh. Wonder what THIS is, huh?” I smirked.
“It’s a cock ring.” She replied without missing a beat.
“Oh, sure. I knew that. Wonder what it’s for, huh? Let’s ask …”
She cut me off, “It will make you harder, longer.” Then this quiet, shy little woman made a beeline for a wall of dildos. She lingered on one that looked like it should be dangling from underneath a horse. Then she proceeded to browse through the store with an authority that took me aback. She steered around the place the way I imagine a blind person navigates their house, with a familiarity independent of sight. Eventually, I went outside for a smoke, and waited for her to come out. I helped carry one of two bags. Her smile said it all: “This is going to be fun.” My slack face countered: “What the hell is going on?”
That night, I prepared our lair. I wore my best silk boxers, flossed, and applied my sexiest deodorant. Immediately, Portishead went on the iPod. Because that is the music of sex. And when she came out of the bathroom, I lie to you not, she was wearing a corset. I had been with women who’d worn fancy lingerie, but a corset? She had a tube of hump spackle in one hand, and a string of anal beads in the other. And then what hit me was a tsunami of raw sexual id. She turned me inside out, the way a toddler does with a puppet he or she’s bored with. My nipples were twisted, fingers went in my ass, and, at one point, I think I bit my own foot.
Afterwards, panting, I tried to save some face. Play it cool. Ignore the fact that I had just been wrung like a ShamWow. I rolled over to her and said, “I had no idea you were so freaky!” She rolled over to me, with her almond eyes, teardrop-shaped face, and sighed. She was disappointed.
“Yeah … I thought you’d be freakier.”
TheFrisky.com is part of the Turner Sports and Entertainment Digital Network
Lauren Fritsky
wrote on September 16 2009 @ 10:16 am: [report]
I’m still laughing at Clitoris Whisperer.
Gnat
wrote on September 16 2009 @ 10:19 am: [report]
“The Clitoris Whisperer” - Hilarious!
PotteryGirl
wrote on September 16 2009 @ 10:24 am: [report]
That is the funniest article I’ve read in a while! LOL! I think my favorite part is “She steered around the place the way I imagine a blind person navigates their house, with a familiarity independent of sight.” Well done, John! And I do hope you recovered.
Humble Bee
wrote on September 16 2009 @ 10:39 am: [report]
holly crap. I can’t contain myself, I want to laugh so hard, but I’m at work. oh jesus, let me just take a breath. That was a hilarious story.
That is SO true. Mom’s and dad’s are always trying to hook me up with their son’s because they say I look like such a nice girl, so hard working and not slutty. I’m not slutty because I don’t like to act like a whore and cause attention to myself, but once I get in that bedroom! oOOOOH Boi! It’s like that corny saying, lady is the street, freak in the bed.
Great post.
bearclover
wrote on September 16 2009 @ 10:57 am: [report]
That was a great story! So many guys talk a big “I’m the man!” talk, but you ask them to pull your hair a little and they look all shocked. Sheesh, why do you think I put my hair in the ponytail in the first place?
ChoJinn
wrote on September 16 2009 @ 10:59 am: [report]
GG Allin! It’s so true: very often the tigers turn out to be kittens, and vice versa. I distinctly recall a very, very meek college student (and Asian, to perpetuate any possible stereotypes) who demanded I “just rape her” and come on her face, and this was after we were already in the muddy bushes outside Phipps Conservatory, AND after she earlier demanded she give me a handjob while I was still in my Cookie Monster costume after a Halloween party. Crazy and awesome. Sigh, college.
lilrockgoddess4u
wrote on September 16 2009 @ 11:06 am: [report]
Ugh. I get so frustrated when men assume I am “freaky” because I have lots of tattoos and piercings. (I think it is my double tongue rings that really drive that message home!) It makes me feel like I have to be extra freaky so I don’t disappoint, when really I am more of a vanilla kind of girl most days.
MarieMacCee
wrote on September 16 2009 @ 11:21 am: [report]
“and I think at one point, I bit my own foot”
hahahahahaha
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on September 16 2009 @ 11:23 am: [report]
“Lady on the street but a freak in the bed”
DAMN YOU JOHN DEVORE!!!!!
effing hickster
wrote on September 16 2009 @ 11:45 am: [report]
Don’t forget, women often assume the same about men.
The advantage we geeks often have over the studly guys is that we’re able use our imaginations…
B Khuu
wrote on September 16 2009 @ 12:31 pm: [report]
A chuckle turned into a giggle, a giggle turned into full blown laughter. This was so much fun to read. I love talking to guys about certain things it’s so funny
effing hickster
wrote on September 16 2009 @ 12:41 pm: [report]
Remember…you know you’re both doing it right when you knock the mattress off the bed.
Humble Bee
wrote on September 16 2009 @ 12:50 pm: [report]
@bearclover, lol. Classic ponytail, I call that the joystick. hehe.
@CheeEEESe. Yep that’s me! I try to keep my freakiness on the downlow. I don’t think I’d ever tell someone I actually know, that I love porn. I’d die of embarassment. I couldn’t even tell my ex because he’d act all surprised, as in “girls aren’t supposed to love porn, or even watch it” yeah right buddy. He couldn’t get it up once and I wanted it so bad, that I was like let’s watch porn, and he selfishly turned the screen around so that only HE could watch it, (how greedy!) I guess he thought he was offending me. I haven’t dated in a while, (a year to be exact) so I’m kind of into getting freaky by myself. I have yet to buy a dildo though, I’m so mortified to even think of seeing someone I know there. There’s a major sex shop by my work, literally down the block but everyone knows me as this chipper wholesome girl, so Imagine seeing your high school president buying a rabbit? I might just grow some balls at 3am tonight and go buy one.. idk. I’m a wimp.
PotteryGirl
wrote on September 16 2009 @ 12:57 pm: [report]
@effing hickster - “Remember…you know you’re both doing it right when you knock the mattress off the bed. ” Holy crap! LOLOL!
@Humble Bee - no need to go to the store. Buy online!
lalala
wrote on September 16 2009 @ 12:58 pm: [report]
Best. Article. EVER!!!
IrishErin
wrote on September 16 2009 @ 01:06 pm: [report]
I will always persist that nerdy computer guys are often much better in bed than the guy with all the swagger in the leather jacket. My boy is very shy when you first meet him. In fact, for years I thought he hated me because he was so quiet around me. He spent 6 months pining after me before I even noticed he was looking at me “that way”. He’s a self-admitted “slow burner”. But behind closed doors, oh sir. Computer guys are used to living their lives in very technical, tightly focused ways on work projects. He is thus very, very dedicated to making sure that I enjoy myself. It’s all in the details ladies…
Humble Bee
wrote on September 16 2009 @ 01:21 pm: [report]
@IrishErin
I concur! I love me so geeky guys. For some odd reason I attract jocks and all around stupid guys! They are fun to look at, buy I really don’t care what you look like at the end of the day, I care about how you treat me. That includes pleasing me. I hate when people ask me whY i’m dating that guy? “he’s so nerdy, or so ugly” wtf!
He treats me good and makes me laugh! I dont need anything else. I always approach my geeks, I know they are way too shy to talk to me.
Molly Jean
wrote on September 16 2009 @ 01:49 pm: [report]
this might be my favorite Mind of Man ever. lololol. so wrong it’s right!
bogart4017
wrote on September 16 2009 @ 01:50 pm: [report]
The night i took home the shy, quiet, eye-rolling office girl who turned into the sex addict complete with spiked collars, huge dildos and a complete encyclopedia of positions. Talk about a pleasant surprise.
majicksand
wrote on September 16 2009 @ 02:03 pm: [report]
Mine’s a computer geek and a guitarist… very nimble fingers!
MissChaotic
wrote on September 16 2009 @ 02:39 pm: [report]
I’m struggling to control my laughter. I have to share this….
writergirl
wrote on September 16 2009 @ 03:13 pm: [report]
//It was I who had taught two (TWO!) women the “reverse cowgirl” position (which, in retrospect, I admit is just doggy-style for lazy men).//
One of your best! And that line is a classic!
And as the saying goes…it is always the quiet ones…
whatshesays
wrote on September 16 2009 @ 03:16 pm: [report]
@IrishErin, Humble Bee, majicksand—
i know, right? computer geeks! that’s my boyfriend. =)
who actually just suggested to me that we go to a sex shop. looking forward to it, and your article is HILARIOUS.
retro chic
wrote on September 16 2009 @ 03:55 pm: [report]
So funny, John DV. Lord, I was reliving that last one with you (I’m tired now). Hilarious epic truth about appearances and quiet girls. One of those lessons you won’t mind learning again (and again), I’m sure. So, how’s your foot? loved that.
TOO_DOPE
wrote on September 16 2009 @ 05:22 pm: [report]
Portishead IS the music of sex! Or as I like to call it: THE sexy time.
cali_candy
wrote on September 16 2009 @ 08:20 pm: [report]
omg, chojinn, cookie monster hand job??
full body dental dam with a hole?
HILAROUS
ARealGuy4Ever
wrote on September 16 2009 @ 08:26 pm: [report]
I’ve had a few women comment that were surprised how gentle a lover I was. They assumed because of my build and the hobbies I have that I would be rough and tumble from the start. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve pulled hair and left teeth marks when that’s what she wants but it’s not my default setting.
Judging a lover by the cover can leave you surprised regardless of gender.
Ellis
wrote on September 16 2009 @ 08:34 pm: [report]
I loved this - and if I judge based upon my friends, it’s very true.
And wow, there is one hell of a consensus going on here about geeky guys- I am pretty sure I need to go find myself some of them.
develange
wrote on September 16 2009 @ 10:10 pm: [report]
but but but I wanted more details about this super kinky corset woman.
But we can’t all go around assuming all shy and nerdy people are going to #&@$% the #&@$% out of you. It’s that whole sexy librarian fantasy.
stormygirl
wrote on September 17 2009 @ 08:59 am: [report]
OMG! I’m laughing so hard I’m practically in tears! I’m at work on my break reading this. Clitoris whisperer, the ayatolla of heartandsoula! I love you John DeVore! LMAO
yeahforsextoys
wrote on September 17 2009 @ 09:13 am: [report]
oh, come on, just say that you were at Babeland on the Lower East Side!
whatshesays
wrote on September 17 2009 @ 09:23 am: [report]
also, chojinn- yeahhhhhhh pittsburgh. I used to live there. I happen to love the phipps conservatory, but don’t feel quite the same way about it anymore…
onewriter
wrote on September 17 2009 @ 11:29 am: [report]
Great post. As usual. I’m sending this on. rofl!!
ootie
wrote on September 17 2009 @ 01:14 pm: [report]
I’m just confused about what a teardrop-shaped face looks like.
TinaTuna
wrote on September 17 2009 @ 01:43 pm: [report]
Ok, I lost it at the “hump spackle and anal beads part”. Best. Article. Ever. Devore.
Ghirardelli
wrote on September 17 2009 @ 06:36 pm: [report]
Oh my god.. “Yeah.. I thought you’d be freakier” that is HILARIOUS! And definitely the weirdest sexual experience i’ve ever heard of before.
bestbren62
wrote on September 17 2009 @ 07:14 pm: [report]
Iwas having a blah kind of day till I read this. Now I can’t stop laughing! Thank you John
Lavanderism
wrote on September 17 2009 @ 07:57 pm: [report]
Hilarious, really.
Like a ShamWow.
vegan_eskimo
wrote on September 18 2009 @ 02:34 am: [report]
Wow. I think I know the meaning of love and sex now.
This was really your best article EVER!
SassyDaisy
wrote on September 18 2009 @ 10:05 am: [report]
hahahahaha…too bad i’m at work and can’t laugh harder…well done…hahahahaha
Frederica Bimble
wrote on September 18 2009 @ 11:51 am: [report]
z z z z zz z z z z z z zz z z z z….Welcome to “grown-up land.”
onewriter
wrote on September 18 2009 @ 11:52 am: [report]
that made no sense whatsoever
DancingGeek
wrote on September 18 2009 @ 02:16 pm: [report]
add me to the list of women on this site who heart JDV!!!
GreatSmile82
wrote on September 19 2009 @ 05:07 pm: [report]
Hump spackle!! Oh my God I died laughing!
Iammina
wrote on September 20 2009 @ 08:47 pm: [report]
Fantistic article! I couldn’t agree more.
SCRMOM
wrote on September 20 2009 @ 10:38 pm: [report]
This is hilarious. I need to go read your other articles…
MirandaMay
wrote on September 22 2009 @ 09:31 pm: [report]
There is certainly a gender equal message here. My college boy was a tall drink of muscle and dark hair with a killer tan. And I could sleep through sex. Often. Then I, in my infinite wisdom, got over him and vied for a stupidly smart guy who, I swear, if you just met him you may think he’s gay. Oh what a great day when we ‘sealed the deal’. My horizons were broadened and the sun shone and a bluebird sang his praises! Never underestimate a person by his or her packaging:D
PS I’m new to the Frisky, and I am now mad about John DeVore.
majicksand
wrote on September 23 2009 @ 07:47 am: [report]
@EddieThe Head: What kind of 16 year olds do you know?
dirkdiggler
wrote on September 23 2009 @ 11:53 am: [report]
ok that explains it. europeans are on a whole other level of freaky!
but to the point, the author indicated that he was just being coy and pretending to not know what the ring was and such!
majicksand
wrote on September 23 2009 @ 01:42 pm: [report]
Is there anyone here who believes that the average 16 year old male, regardless of location, is having wild, freaky sex? Obviously, there are exceptions to every rule, but as a whole people are people. I can’t believe that teens in Europe are that much different from American teens.
*sam*
wrote on September 23 2009 @ 01:56 pm: [report]
@majicksand: =0 you’re so misguided! Didn’t you know that America was founded by prudes!?! Prudes that came to America to get away from all the kinky, freaky, European sex!
majicksand
wrote on September 23 2009 @ 02:09 pm: [report]
Yes, but *sam*, we’ve come a long way since the Puritans! (and many, many times too
)
sophiafaith
wrote on September 30 2009 @ 11:21 pm: [report]
We haven’t come that far. You should watch some of the indy gay cinema that comes out of europe. *sam* you’re absolutely right. Americans are so repressed and schitzo about sex and sexuality and they don’t even realize it. Its pathetic.
BrookeTTU
wrote on October 1 2009 @ 03:48 am: [report]
“a tube of hump spackle” - LOVE IT!!! literally laughed out loud reading this article. keep up the good work!
fortierb
wrote on October 3 2009 @ 10:58 am: [report]
Why do men always assume the “good” ones don’t like it a little kinky or rough? We “good” girls have a little freak in us too.
onewriter
wrote on October 3 2009 @ 11:01 am: [report]
Damn straight fortierb. I wouldn’t dare tell my man what I think…lol I just slide a bit in here and there.
Sparkknock
wrote on October 5 2009 @ 05:41 pm: [report]
. . . too many times now that I think back.
I guess I knew a few kinky chics. Most good
times simply involved nudity, sex with her,
or with her and her friends together. Many
fun times on nude beaches having sex in the
open with strangers laying all around us.
One gal ‘Nina’ loved getting ‘caught’ at
parties, parks, driveins, camping, wherever
she dared. I must say, we startled a few
people. Having Lisa jerk me off in front of
four of her work mate friends in her kitchen
one evening was so unreal at the time, I think
she was show’n me off or just try’n to shock
her friends, cuz she knew what I’d do when
hyper excited. I must have shot a stream of
cum 3 feet across the floor. They all screamed
and laughed for 5 minutes, as I scooped it up
and put on some underwear. She quit that job
shortly afterwords and we didn’t see those
gals again. That was so much fun, that I think
I’ll have to relive the messy part of that
evening, ahh,ohh, right aahh, !Now…hhhhhhaa
equnsuocha
wrote on October 7 2009 @ 01:15 pm: [report]
Here is a question, how do I get my guy to be less inhibited? There is some freaky stuff I love to do but he is just into what I call straight sex. Sure he likes to change positions and even went for the back door a few times (something I dont like but allow since I am trying to get him to open up), but aside from that…. nothing. He doesnt go down, and he wont entertain B&D which I love. He also claims to have ZERO fantasies. WTF?!?!? Is that even possible? Don’t get me wrong he has a great, albeit a tad large for my canal, unit and we have great sex and I always “achieve” but it gets boring after a while. Any thoughts?
yukari
wrote on October 12 2009 @ 01:13 am: [report]
I’m very open with sex: I have a huge collection of anal beads (all sizes, colors and materials), several vibrators, and lots of different lubricants. I like to do everything: from S/M rough sex, to cute role play sex. I never get bored of sex, and I can do it the whole day. Ah, I’m happily married. Sorry.