Mind Of Man: Stop Playing The Name Game
Posted by: John DeVore
Filed in:
guys
2:00PM, Wednesday February 25th 2009
Here’s a question: Why was Chris Noth’s character in “Sex In the City” nicknamed “Mr. Big” when it’s clear it should have been “Mr. Old Man Fatty”?
Also, I want to know which came first: Carrie and the girls giving the men they were dating petty, offensive little nicknames or actual real world women assigning their men these kinds of faux clever monikers.
You ladies nickname us according to our jobs, our sexual proclivities, or some flaw in our character, as if the act of nicknaming is some preemptive, passive-aggressive revenge tactic. It should be noted that a nickname is the polar opposite of a pet name; essentially, one is accentuating the negative, the other the positive. For instance, I had a chick friend who dated a dude whom she nicknamed “Nasty Ass.” (We were BFFs, and she talked to me like I was vagina-enabled; little did she know I was gathering intelligence.) Anyway, she kept dating him, and wouldn’t you know, love unexpectedly spread, like Ebola. Eventually, her pet name for him was a loving “Stinky.” True story.
Men objectify fantasy, and women objectify reality. Then those two things collide, and maybe that’s what turns men into emotionally-distant jerks and women into over-emoting psychos.
I have been nicknamed, in the past. I’ve been christened “The Artful Dodger,” “Texty McNoCall,” and “Penisaurus Rex.” OK, maybe not the last one. And those are the nicknames I know about. And I’m sure there are worse ones out there. It hurts, it burns, I’m cold and lonely. Did I deserve some of those nicknames? Sure. Absolutely. There has to be some virtue in taking responsibility for having been a douche.
Women objectify men when they nickname them. Nicknaming a man reduces him to a character that women use in their narratives where they are eternally victimized by dudes who fail to live up to their superficial, fantasy definition of romantic fulfillment. Let me make a couple of points, because I can feel the heat of dozens of she-brains boiling.
Firstly, spare me retorts justifying nicknaming dudes as a way of stealing away power from the patriarchy. This is true especially if you’re a specific graduate student in Northern California with whom I frequently instant message. [Hollllla!—Editor] If we, as a society, can imagine a post-racial world, we can imagine a post-gender world. That is not a blanket dismissal of the existence and history of sexism, but if two evils don’t make a right, then two ancient stereotypes don’t make a more equal tomorrow where we can all focus on what makes human beings loathsome, sans race, gender, or religion. Secondly, men objectify fantasy, and women objectify reality. Then those two things collide, and maybe that’s what turns men into emotionally-distant jerks and women into over-emoting psychos.
Men don’t talk about their love lives with each other the way women do. We don’t sit around the poker table, guffawing and squealing about the ladies who done us wrong, right, or not quite yet. In fact, in my experience, less is more when it comes to talking about women dude-to-bro. Granted, we can jaw for hours about Wolverine, the football draft, or the alleged perkiness of a bartender’s breasts. But when it comes to spilling the dirt, you’d be surprised how many of us rarely kiss and tell.
And this has nothing to do with our gender’s famous predilection for non-verbal communication and emotional obtuseness. It probably has its roots in our prehistoric bonding rituals, where female attention determined social status, and where revealing the details of a successful or failing coupling could lead to sabotage by a rival’s exploitation of said details. Possibly, we don’t gossip about who we’re banging because we don’t really care about who the other guy is banging. I don’t relish the idea of my friend naked and feverishly going at it as if a gold medal awaited.
When we do talk about you, we either refer to you as “This chick I’m dating” or by your actual name. An example:
DUDE #1: “So, you dating that chick?”
DUDE #2: “[Name Of Actual Chick]? Yeah.”
DUDE #1: “Cool.”
DUDE #2: “Yeah.”
DUDE #1: “Nachos?”
There are some solutions. What if us guys nicknamed ourselves for you? That wouldn’t work, I suppose. You’d be dating nothing but “Thunder Hawk,” or “Hercules Hugsakitten” or “Batman O’Lockpicktongue.” We’d probably just christen ourselves the top secret code-names we wanted as teenagers … and as thirtysomethings. Perhaps we, as men, could get sign off on the nicknames you throw around? No, that wouldn’t work either.
We know you nickname us. It is not the state secret you might think it is, unless you want us to know, to keep us on our toes. How about full disclosure? Better yet, how about we just call each other by our actual names behind our respective backs? Hi, my name is John.
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Kate134
wrote on February 25 2009 @ 02:46 pm: [report]
I’ll be honest if it’s a guy I’m iffy on I’ll nickname him because its easier and more discrete if he’s not going to be around a long time. The last one I nicknamed was called “tasty grad student” - later after an incident on a date he was nicknamed “un-tasty grad student” and promptly dropped. I hang out with a lot of guys most of the time and if I give the name of a guy I’m dating that I’m iffy on and something bad happens I can’t really explain the disaster (which are sometimes funny stories I’d like to share) which ensued because my male friends tend to the over-protective older brother type.
Perceptible
wrote on February 25 2009 @ 02:55 pm: [report]
Sure. Take away all our fun. What a buzz-kill!
doridori
wrote on February 25 2009 @ 03:16 pm: [report]
Most of the men that I’ve known have nick-names for the chick’s they’re dating and they totally kiss and tell in much more details than any of my female friends. Most of the nick-names I’ve encountered and or have given were with regards to a humorous back story… and are easier to remember than the dude’s given name or were given to determine the difference between current dude, another friend’s dude, and or an ex. I personally see nothing wrong with nick-names, you give them to your friends, family members and co-workers… why not significant others?
tabby
wrote on February 25 2009 @ 03:23 pm: [report]
My friends and I have been nicknaming guys since grade school. Yes, sometimes we reduce them to a body part or an attitude as a way to belittle them or to indicate that we doubt that the guy will be around for long. However, we also nickname them the tv character we thought most resembled them in order to keep their identities secret when having discussions in public places. Perhaps this comes from growing up in a small town where everyone knew everyone else’s business. So next time you hear a bunch of females gossiping about a hot tv star, just maybe they are talking about you.
vanya
wrote on February 25 2009 @ 03:24 pm: [report]
I am clearly way too old for this site since I didn’t think Mr. Big was an Old Man.
joyy
wrote on February 25 2009 @ 03:31 pm: [report]
“Mr. Big” wasn’t a capture of the negative, as the article casts girls’ nicknames for guys to be. Getting rude about it is just that, rude ... but nicknames can be fun.
Here’s one for you, John DeVore: given the prevalence of guys with the same name, with two guys rather prevalent in one social circle, they decided to nickname the guy they knew first, dubbing him “#1” - what guy wouldn’t love THAT nickname?
redhead722
wrote on February 25 2009 @ 03:32 pm: [report]
I nickname guys to keep them straight. Especially if someone is dating more than one guy at a time nicknames can be used as organizational mechanisms. How else would i keep “ROTC boy,” “Pi Kapp boy,” and “Spite boy” straight?
Naneenya
wrote on February 25 2009 @ 03:44 pm: [report]
My nicknames are purely for context purposes. So I don’t have to explain who “Joe” is again and again.
Example:
1: “So, I heard from Joe today”
2: “Wait, which one is Joe?”
1: “Met him on the airplane, he’s from Buffalo”
2: “Oh yeah, what’d he say?”
Or:
1: “So, I heard from BuffaloJoe today”
2: “Really? What’d he say?”
See? Much more efficient. Though, my nicknames mostly always include the person’s actual name. You never want to get caught not remembering a name!
Humble Bee
wrote on February 25 2009 @ 03:47 pm: [report]
In my family your nickname is your deffect, for instance if your fat, your nickname will be “Gorda” (Fat in Spanish) if your really skinny, then your “Flaca” ( Thin in spanish) if your ugly, your “Fea” (ugly in SP)
if you have big teeth, they call you Rabbit, and I can go on and on. To me it’s kind of a cultural tradition, i know many Mexicans who nickname based on your deffects. It’s funny, but like you said, it can be hurtful too. You just kind of take it and laugh about it later on.
I dont nickname actual boyfriends, but I do agree with REDHEAD722 that in order to remember a person you give then a little nickname “Customs guy” “HotAsian” “F150guy” and the list goes on. A lot of the times, I can’t even remember their names, so to my friends I describe them as “Black Car guy” “My boyfriend from the bank” and etc. lol.
retro chic
wrote on February 25 2009 @ 04:20 pm: [report]
May I offer you a Kleenex, John? That IS your real name, right?
Look, it’s all just code that our own genders are meant to understand.
Women mostly keep it real with descriptive “pet” references in the same species.
As for “chick” (flightless fast food) or “cougar” (predatory) etc… What’s the “objectify the fantasy” in that?
Women LOVE the “less-is-more” theory when they are reduced to labels (I mean nicknames) of the “Five Basic Food Groups Pyramid:”
“B*tch,” “Wh*re,” “Ugly,” “Stupid” and (drumroll, plz) “Crazy,” the catch-all when the other 4 don’t apply. They can be combined for max effect, too.
The point is, these codes are for our own gender camp’s use only. Let’s hope they’re used in ways to ultimately cope and connect with each other. Less spying and more humanity… K?
titsmagee
wrote on February 25 2009 @ 04:47 pm: [report]
Dear Texty McNoCall,
Yeeeeeah I’m pretty sure you guys talk about us as much as we talk about you. I’m friends with a group of guys who act like I’m (to borrow your term) penis-enabled and I hear a lot of talk about girls: what they like to do in bed, what they did in bed that was funny or weird, their craziness or psychoness, and lots of them have nicknames (“Alpha Delta Phi whale,” “the would-be stripper,” “stretch marks”). Granted, some of these girls had the same names as other ex’s, but the real cause of this is that we DO all talk about relationships. Maybe it’s mean, but to me, it seems healthy. If you don’t talk about relationships with someone, you run the risk of not hearing your problems said aloud which often helps or you risk not hearing your friends tell you when you’re being unreasonable. Yes it can be mean, but it can also be helpful.
For the record, my only nickname for a guy was “What’s-his-name” because he was so boring (in every room of the house…) that after we stopped dating, I frequently forgot his name. I remember now that it was Josiah, but still…it seems to fit.
Alison Wonderland
wrote on February 25 2009 @ 04:56 pm: [report]
Please. Guys make up nicknames for girls too. My brother has dated “Katie from Old Navy”, “Colette from Gillette” and “Preakness”- his now wife. On their first date they went to the races. The other two just happened to rhyme.
And we women do the same thing. It’s so we can talk about guys with our friends in public without the use of full names. Particularly useful when I would wax-philosophical in class about a particular guy my friend and I refered to as “Cake” as in ‘wanted to have it and eat it too’. And it’s a damn good thing he had a nickname considering durning the midterm as the girl in front of me was filling out her Scantron I discovered she was his sister.
Little Lamb
wrote on February 25 2009 @ 05:41 pm: [report]
Come on, Amelia! Kick his a$$...with your words, of course.
christianay
wrote on February 25 2009 @ 07:41 pm: [report]
I also nickname guys to put them in context—for me, it’s rarely about their behavior or body parts or skills. It’s where they work, or how I met them. Occasionally, if they have a very distinctive characteristic, like they’re short or have weird hair, I’d refer to them as that. For the first time, I’m going to have to say that you’re not quite on the money, John. It’s simply to identify them easier with friends, as Naneenya said.
MaritimeGirl
wrote on February 25 2009 @ 09:13 pm: [report]
I know that it just makes it easier to come up with nicknames for people for use with my friends (males included), mainly because so many individuals share the same first name. It makes it so much easier to keep everyone straight if I can refer to American Eagle Rob, Little Zach, Crazy Megan, or Hot Sean, the list goes on. And yes, sometimes we use other nickames that don’t include the person’s actual name (because sometimes we don’t know it), it might be immature, but well, it is easier to say Captain Planet than “that earthy guy who is friends with so-and-so’s ex-girfriend and works at the bookstore”.
crazyincarolina
wrote on February 25 2009 @ 09:18 pm: [report]
so i can’t call you “hot writer man” anymore? damn
titsmagee
wrote on February 25 2009 @ 09:32 pm: [report]
@ crazyincarolina:
HaHA
becktasm
wrote on February 25 2009 @ 09:41 pm: [report]
Oh shush up. I know plenty of men who assign women nicknames, and all of them considerably worse than any nickname I’ve ever given. And as for our “superficial, fantasy definition of romantic fulfillment”- it seems to me that you’re a bit bitter because you’ve yet to give a girl hers, superficial and meaningless as it may be. Oh us kooky girls and our silly desires! What do we know?
Chelle
wrote on February 25 2009 @ 09:42 pm: [report]
WTF? Either I know a ton of “feminine yet straight” guys or this is totally untrue. Most guys I know DO gossip about who their dating, details and all. Not just to me, but with other guys. I witness these things on a regular basis I swear. They also have nicknames for their exes. They called one nasty, slutty ex “bubbles”. I thought that one was funny.
Throne of Cynicism
wrote on February 25 2009 @ 10:15 pm: [report]
wow. all KINDS of rationalization going on in here. It’s a psycologist’s wonderland.
For what it’s worth: Great article, John.
Backliteyes
wrote on February 25 2009 @ 10:15 pm: [report]
I haven’t dated enough people to have an issue with too many with the same name to keep people straight in conversations. But now that I think of it I’ve dated a few guys with relatively rare names as well. Hence, I’ve never nicknamed a man. But I’ve also never developed pet names for any either. I guess I’m just a given-name girl.
elthrilla
wrote on February 26 2009 @ 07:17 am: [report]
I think it’s funny that you would even bring it up as a woman’s way to objectify men and then say we SHOULDN’T bring up patriarchy. I agree, two wrongs don’t make a right, and I don’t see it as a way of stealing power, but of ALL things to moan about nicknames as a way of objectifying isn’t one of them. Seriously, you lost all sympathy when you brought up objectification.
However, I will say I don’t nickname guys but often when a friend in another city or country tells me about a guy, I won’t remember him unless I associate him with something. For example, she says “i met joe at starbucks” well then later, I’ll probably refer to him as “the starbucks guy” because I’ve forgotten his name (but then I don’t remember names well unless I meet the person face to face). It’s like when they tell you to introduce someone with an interesting fact to help people remember.
I do this with female friends as well—in fact my female friends have more nicknames than any of my male friends.
John DeVore
wrote on February 26 2009 @ 11:33 am: [report]
El oh el
Fantastic conversation. I had no idea this topic was so near and dear to so many hearts.
But I shan’t relent. I stand by this column.
Pffffft
Yours,
Captain Spectacular
Lynn
wrote on February 26 2009 @ 11:47 am: [report]
I give nicknames, but if they’re mean I never intend them to be. It’s just a way to keep everyone straight - especially if I know more than one person with the same name. Or, in the case of some friends, they blow through guys so quickly that I never get to meet them in the first place, and it’s hard to remember who is who without having faces to match them too. So if she says “Work Kris” it’s so much easier for me to know which person she’s talking about - because I remember the work stories.
My favorite nickname for an ex was “Airforce Jeff the Hunter.” He was a hunter, and he was in the airforce, and together he sounds like a badass comic book character.
retro chic
wrote on February 26 2009 @ 12:02 pm: [report]
@john dv
and what man doesn’t stand by his column… you ol’ sh*t starter, you.
Arty
wrote on February 26 2009 @ 04:53 pm: [report]
I use nicknames. I think it’s fun, but mine are often rather lame. For example there’s “The Redhead” and before that there was “The Loud Breather” sometimes I referred to him as “[Realname] The Loud Breather.” Now there’s the “Swearing Libertarian.” Fun times.
katnohat
wrote on February 26 2009 @ 07:10 pm: [report]
Dear Texty Mc No Call,
be thankful your nickname wasn’t the Minute Man. My ex has rights to that one.
toricore
wrote on February 27 2009 @ 10:51 am: [report]
you lost me at “post-racial world” : (
0rion
wrote on February 27 2009 @ 07:51 pm: [report]
John
I sorta agree, but there is a problem. Me and my frinds used to come up with nicknames for the attractive (sometimes not) women we didnt know in the dorm cafes.
Ex
Nipple ring chick
tasty red
needs-a-sandwich
punk tits
along with various incarnations of (insert greek letters)+(insert slut synonym)
searchingwithin
wrote on March 1 2009 @ 10:41 am: [report]
I guess we women figure, if you guys can nickname your cock, why can’t we give you a nickname. Personally, I have never referred to a man by a nickname to anyone other than him, unless we were on the outs, in which case it would just be “that ass”.
SummerLane
wrote on March 1 2009 @ 05:06 pm: [report]
Let’s see…. Currently there are:
“muscle-y muscle guy” (amazing body!)
“GM” (short for groomsman as he was a groomsman in my wedding to my ex [that’s right, been nailing the ex husband’s friend since last July!])
“the ex” (My ex husband.)
In the past there have been:
“crazy trucker guy” (he was a truck driver and really is crazy!)
“leprechaun” (his last name was “Irish”)
“hot married guy” (a hot married guy from work)
“Stuart guy” (after the town he was from)
“THAT guy” (don’t really remember those details
chichi von b
wrote on March 9 2009 @ 05:30 pm: [report]
I love giving out nicknames!
One of my girls names all her guys after their nationality - “the greek”, “the swede”, “the italian” which can get confusing when there are several “italians, but whatever!
I like to name ‘em after some attribute - they oftentimes know about their “pet-name”/nickname - like the one who I initially named “cowboy” because he came off as exciting and bold, but who morphed into an old fart - his name changed to “old man” and he knew it!
There’s “monkey” for my favorite hairless primate - one of my most favorite boyfriends, ever; “youngbuck” and “boytoy” for the 21 year old I was toying with earlier this year; “rockstar” for the ex who thought he was gods gift to the bass guitar; and “thuglife” for the honey on the block with the smooth lowrider who used to come over to fix my ride and fix my plumbing, if ya know what I mean!
But there are those who’ll never know I have a nickname for them - like the ass-wad with the facelift and the black hair dye barely covering his all white hair who thinks his #&@$% don’t stink that works for the competitor’s engineering firm - yeah, his name is “cruella de ville”; that dude who couldn’t keep it up - “noodle”; my gay ex-roommate - his name is “fagotry”
I got names for damn near everyone and everything - good times, good times
AmethystSoul
wrote on May 9 2009 @ 06:05 am: [report]
Ah come on not all of us are belittling ... well okay, there’s this one guy I refer to as The Blond - because he’s such a manbimbo, not because of his hair colour ... but other than that, my nicknames are generally shorter versions of the guy’s real name.
painted_lady
wrote on May 23 2009 @ 01:23 am: [report]
Yeah, I work in a really small world - theatre - where everyone knows each other. So small, in fact, that my current boyfriend is giving my ex a crash course in running a show that I also happen to be working on. So the anonymity is a huge factor: the ex I’ve always referred to as “Drama Boy” - a huge reason we’re not dating anymore - and I tend to stick to those nicknames until I’ve attended a couple of theatre events with the same guy and most people we’re going to be around know we’re a couple. My current boyfriend was “Cute Sound Guy” for forever because my girlfriends and I would be out at a bar with several other people not in on the secret - not only was I not sure how long he’d be around, but while dating inside the theatre circle is common, it’s looked down on as an amateur move - and that way we could dish but not perk up people’s ears.
Actually, come to think of it, that was precisely what happened with Drama Boy. We weren’t together long enough to start calling him by his name in public, so no one except my nearest and dearest were any the wiser, even though we’ve worked together several times since.
Also, I think it may be in some ways a reaction to sexism. Women can hook up with guys, of course, but think about it. Men are creeped out by “sloppy seconds.” If you date a lot of guys, fine, but if you date a lot of guys in the same circle, then you’re marked a whore. And it only has to be two guys in the same general circle, even. I made that mistake in grad school, so now, until it’s a done deal, I keep it anonymous.
bethylane
wrote on June 16 2009 @ 12:28 pm: [report]
My older sister is protective and never takes me seriously. I dated a guy one time and I told her how he had to be REMINDED to wear Deodorant (granted, today this would be the end for me—personal hygeine had better be a top priority.) and she started referring to him as “Degree”.
...Since we’ve split up, I have to laugh at that one.
But now I’m seeing someone who’s ~13 years older than me, so my sister refers to him as “Depends”. Ugh!
I don’t use nicknames; just thought I’d share my story =p
JustNessa
wrote on September 6 2009 @ 05:44 pm: [report]
I use nicknames only if I’m talking about someone online. And only because I don’t want the world to know everything. I mean if I write on I had a great time last night with “Cute Blondie” I don’t want everyone, friends included, that I’m talking about John Doe.
Plus it’s also because I’m sure the guys don’t want their names thrown out there either.