Mind Of Man: Revenge Of The Number
Posted by: John DeVore
Filed in:
guys
2:00PM, Wednesday January 14th 2009
A couple of years ago, a friend of mine came to me for advice, and I think the advice I gave him was pretty good advice, if I do say so myself. Because when it comes to love and relationships, those who can, do. Those who can’t give love and relationship advice.
My friend had just proposed to his girlfriend. The wedding promised to be epic, “Vegas-style” and planned with Pentagon-like precision. The sort of wedding where you wouldn’t be surprised if a trained monkey dressed like a butler exploded out of a 17-tier wedding cake, holding a smaller, 10-tier wedding cake, as fireworks exploded, and an ABBA cover band parachuted in next to the champagne glass pyramid, while howling “Take A Chance On Me.” No expense spared.
She chose him from the 25 or so dudes she railed. Clearly, she’s experienced, knows what she’s doing, has had sex with enough guys to know what doesn’t get her off, and she chose him. What’s the big deal?
His fiancée had always been a righteous rock ‘n’ roll chick, but now after years of her being fed a steady diet of wedding lust by the Matrimony Industrial Complex, she was frothing at the mouth to be crowned Princess Awesome of the Day. Such is her prerogative.
The advice my friend came to me for had nothing to do with what I expected. I thought he was going to vent the usual groom angst: the preparations for the romantic bacchanalia were overwhelming and expensive, his fiancée and her mother and her sisters all have short fuses, can he really be with one woman for the rest of his life? So I came prepared with the condescending bromides you tell a dude as he hurtles towards theoretical domestic bliss. To sum up that wisdom in a nutshell: “It’ll be okay, bro.”
Instead, what he shared with me, after the help of a few gin and tonics, was that he and his fiancée had playfully shared each others’ numbers. Their “numbers,” wink-wink. He had slept with less than 15 women in his life. She had slept with more than 15. More than 20. A bit more than 25, actually. He was despondent. I tried to console him. I asked him if the sex was hot between them. He said yes.
I said, “Dude, you don’t go to a rock concert to see the lead dude pick up the guitar for the first time.”
I don’t think that meant much to him. They got married. A baby is on the way, but I know in the back of his mind, the carnal inequity between them is going to haunt him. And that confounds me.
She chose him from the 25 or so dudes she railed. Clearly, she’s experienced, knows what she’s doing, has had sex with enough guys to know what doesn’t get her off, and she chose him. What’s the big deal?
Two answers come to mind. One involves the whole “slut versus stud” gender dynamic. Women are supposed to guard their virtue and deny their sexual appetites. My friends fiancée loved to get it on, and while mistakes were probably made, and hearts probably broken, she should get points for being in touch with her desires. Conversely, men are programmed to want sex every minute of every day. In some ways, our ability to want to drop our pants at the mere rumor of a vagina gives us social value. Maybe my friend felt a drop in his social value because his girl could get more booty than he could. He could have been a closet Puritan or a time-traveling Victorian inventor.
Trust me, when you’re dead, you’ll regret not having had more fun with your genital organs.
The other answer concerns the relationship between love, possession, and how possession is actually the opposite of love. When you love someone, you love them regardless of whether they return the favor. Which is a scary thing, but ultimately we lose all that we love, so get used to it. Possession is a manic response to this uncertainty, and it’s a way to try and guarantee that you will be loved back. It breeds insecurity, causes people to snoop, doubt, and obsess over past lovers. My friend seemed most upset that his fiancée’s hunger for penis suggested she might cheat on him or that somehow he didn’t measure up.
Personally, I love a slut, someone who knows what they want, who goes for it, who never apologizes, but who learns from experience. I also appreciate full-disclosure. And anyone who doesn’t live their life like they are making it up on the go is lying to themselves.
My friend is lucky. I mean, we all have our doubts, but marriage and long term relationships, and love, to a degree, are about two people constantly forgiving the other for the embarrassment of being human. He’s lucky because his slutty wife knows what she’s doing in the sack. She also wants to be with him and only him.
My number is … Well, do we know each other enough to go there? Buy me a drink, at least.
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bella7623
wrote on January 14 2009 @ 03:55 pm: [report]
Dude. You’re awesome. That’s all.
EastCoastMale
wrote on January 14 2009 @ 04:05 pm: [report]
Personally I say the flirty, cutsie discussions about “the number” should just be avoided, from what I have heard it never goes well afterwards. Play two person spin the bottle and dont worry about the other persons encounters, to quote jack nicholson “you cant handle the truth”.
MegKat
wrote on January 14 2009 @ 06:43 pm: [report]
I’ve always been open about my past experiences and partners. I wouldn’t bring it up on a first date, but if I was asked I wouldn’t shy away from the topic either.
LegalLady
wrote on January 14 2009 @ 08:09 pm: [report]
My guy didn’t want to reveal numbers, mine or his - making a topic that hadn’t been anywhere near a big deal to me become HUGE.
What was he hiding? Was it large? Was it small? Was there an ex I had no idea about? Was he afraid of my number being large? What kind of gal did he think I was?
Those questions and many more ran on a loop in my head for a few weeks.
He finally told me - and once he did the craziness ended completely. All he had to do was say the number and my brain finally relaxed
It was only one more than my number anyway.
greggy
wrote on January 14 2009 @ 08:59 pm: [report]
I’ve always been up front about my number…which never goes over well with guys. My current bf and I had the number chat, and he revealed his # first. After I revealed mine (maybe 2 or 3 higher than his), he got quiet. the next day, he called me and told me that after thinking about it, he remembered some more and was now able to add 5 to his list. I understand why he “suddenly remembered” these other women: he’s a guy, and 11 years older than me. He’s “supposed” to have more.
Ok honey, I’ll give you this one.
DancerNinja
wrote on January 15 2009 @ 12:07 am: [report]
I love the word “genitalia”, the way it just rolls off the tongue. Hahaha.
wnbass
wrote on January 15 2009 @ 11:39 am: [report]
a gentleman never asks and a lady never tells.
chances are that the “gentleman” you’re in love with will turn into some sort of monster when he finds out his “lady” isn’t a prude. i think guys are way more spastic about this topic than women…i’d rather not know how many girls my current has banged before me, he’s with me now and as far as i can tell he’s not a cheater so what does it matter to me?
EastCoastMale
wrote on January 15 2009 @ 11:56 am: [report]
agreed wnbass. People say “oh just tell me ...its ok whatever the number” but if either one say 80 or 500 it will not be ok. If one persons is significantly higher than the other it almost always raises doubts or questions in my experience and speaking to friends. Like you say, you are with that person now so it shouldnt matter. Just imagine you have been destined for life and only have had each other. Dont worry about yours or theirs.
Dmun
wrote on January 15 2009 @ 01:35 pm: [report]
“Personally, I love a slut, someone who knows what they want, who goes for it, who never apologizes, but who learns from experience. I also appreciate full-disclosure. And anyone who doesn’t live their life like they are making it up on the go is lying to themselves”
HEAR F-ING HEAR!!!
Humble Bee
wrote on January 15 2009 @ 04:40 pm: [report]
I like to be very honest with everyone, specially my partner, but I feel like he’s so weak and wouldn’t be able to handle it. Some people just can’t take in the truth and would rather be lied to. He once found out I had sex with an ex and he went nuts and started crying and being a drama queen. I would NEVER tell him how many people I have slept with. Its only 3, but to him its like I had sex with the whole world. I really can’t understand his way of thinking.
EastCoastMale
wrote on January 15 2009 @ 07:37 pm: [report]
Humble
I dont think that everyone who doesnt care to know their partners number WANTS to be lied to, just rather not know. Is it a world changer if each others number isnt shared? just as some think it is not a big deal to know and share, there are some who think that its not a big deal to keep it to oneself.
Houdini
wrote on January 20 2009 @ 07:13 am: [report]
Maybe your friend knows that he can’t stick to having sex with only one woman, and he thinks that women are the same as he really is??
Well some will stray and some will not. And most of us will never know. So if one has hangups, they will just have to live with them or get over them. If they want drama in their life, they can have all they desire. For me, drama is for the big screen. I’m livin my life stress free…..
jazzyj
wrote on January 28 2009 @ 01:04 pm: [report]
When I was with my first sex partner, I was jealous that he had had sex with more than one person. We broke up, and amid the heartache, I determined never to have that problem again. I had casual sex for fun and not love and it was great. After that, I was never concerned with the number - just with men who were. And, hey, I’m a woman, so maybe there’s a little more men and women might have in common.
Cherubina
wrote on April 22 2009 @ 02:03 pm: [report]
@ Humble Bee “... to him its like I had sex with the whole world.” I haven’t shared my number with my boyfriend (neither he with me), and I don’t think I want to either because of that very reason. I feel like our opinions of our significant others are inevitably tied to how many people we’ve slept with.
I’ve had my share of “mistakes” and encounters I’d rather had not happened, but that is in no way linked to who I am now or how I want myself to be viewed by others, especially my boyfriend and possible future spouse.