Mind Of Man: Mouth Love Is Meh
Posted by: John DeVore
Filed in:
guys
1:00PM, Wednesday December 31st 2008
Blow jobs are overrated. There. I said it. I know men who would fight a grizzly bear with a spork for a little mouth love. I also know women who guard their oral sexing technique the way a pharmaceutical company protects its most precious patents. But I’m just not a dude who loves blow jobs. I’m an active guy, when it comes to being intimate with a woman, and laying back and letting her go down on me has always felt passive to me. Disconnected. As if I could lean back and read the Economist or slurp a bowl of soup while being, uhhh, serviced.
You know that trashy trick when a woman ties a cherry stem into a knot with her mouth? This woman could eat a ball of paper, and spit out an origami swan.
It feels good, sure. But not that good. I can’t get off if she’s all the way down there. I need her eyes, her mouth, her words, to really achieve anything that can reasonably be defined as sexual satisfaction. For the record, feeling sexually “satisfied” is very underrated. That deeply comforting post-coital buzz that can only come when one’s appetite is blissfully sated.
Am I the only dude who feels this way? I mean, I think I am. There are plenty of women who dislike men going down on them, which is something I enjoy doing. That might be hypocritical, but it just is. I don’t really have a sweet tooth, but I enjoy making a mean chocolate pecan pie. There are other things I’d rather do with a lover than getting a “knobber.”
I know what you’re thinking. That this is some clever, douche-tastic ploy to get a blow job. Women are aloof and bashful when it comes to their sexual egos, unlike men. Yes, it’s an example of the unfairness of gender politics. Women are embarrassed by their desires; men flaunt them. But women have huge egos when it comes to pleasing their men. I floated my thoughts for this column past a female friend of mine, that I thought blow jobs were overrated, and her half-joking instinctual response was, “Well, I’ll show you.”
Every woman I have dated has come to the table with her own trademarked methods: some of them the result of experience, some of them experiments to be tossed aside or added to their internal, carnal repertoire. It’s hilarious and utterly endearing. They’ve shown off double-fist techniques, road-tested tongue twirls, tried different rhythms. Some ignore the testicles, some are all about them. I knew a chick who sincerely loved to give head. Her choreography was a well-timed ballet of strokes, deep-throating, tickling, and unparalleled tongue acrobatics. You know that trashy trick when a woman ties a cherry stem into a knot with her mouth? This woman could eat a ball of paper and spit out an origami swan.
I am not criticizing motives here. It is good, and it is right to want to please the person you’re hooking up with. I think men have become more aggressive about giving women head because we’re tired of not being able to satisfy you with penetrative sex. We want to get you off. Nothing is hotter in the known universe than being able to give a woman an eyeball-spinning orgasm. I’m not a jerk about receiving; as a pre-game trifle, it can be fun. But I keep returning to the idea that it is strangely impersonal. There’s not enough give and take, back and forth, and the sweaty exchange of human energies is the entire point, the fun of it all.
The dynamics between men and women are rooted in power plays, dominance and submission. I know some men love getting a blow job, being able to demand and get what they want. I know Amelia caught some flack for resolving not to give out blow jobs this year as generously as she did last year. What’s odd is the notion that a sexual act can scheduled, that one partner expects it. I think sexual favors are like gifts. They should be freely given, never expected, never taken for granted. That is, if oral sex is your thing.
It’s not my thing. I like to make out too much.
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Amelia
wrote on December 31 2008 @ 01:11 pm: [report]
“This woman could eat a ball of paper, and spit out an origami swan.” BEST DESCRIPTION EVER.
Arty
wrote on December 31 2008 @ 01:14 pm: [report]
I think why I like giving BJs so much is because I never got out of Frued’s “oral stage” and would put random crap in my mouth all day if it wasn’t socially unacceptable.
spanishdoll
wrote on December 31 2008 @ 01:19 pm: [report]
I feel the same way about having a guy go down on me. I really just enjoy making out/grinding a hell of a lot, and I feel awkward just lying there and letting someone else do all the work.
Simcha
wrote on December 31 2008 @ 01:22 pm: [report]
I second Amelia!
Isabela Laval
wrote on December 31 2008 @ 03:24 pm: [report]
Before guys put their primary focus on perfecting their oral sex techniques, I think they need to shift the focus towards perfecting their kissing techniques. I mean, seriously?!?! Kiss me well, and I am putty in your hands.
marthajane
wrote on December 31 2008 @ 05:21 pm: [report]
amelia
and isabela have it.
I think this guy needs to relax and enjoy giving his partner pleasure. Mind you, if that’s not clear, then speak up, boy!
theothergyllenhaal
wrote on December 31 2008 @ 05:21 pm: [report]
“Am I the only dude who feels this way?”
Yes.
Even if you don’t get off on mouth-love—and I rarely do—it still feels great. Stop whining about passivity, accept that sex is sometimes about one person taking control of the other’s pleasure (just like when you go down on a girl), and enjoy yourself. If you have to, you can always finish in the missionary position, staring in her eyes and asking if she can feel this*.
*This being the amazing emotional connection you require to get off.
Austin Artist
wrote on December 31 2008 @ 05:56 pm: [report]
Mouth love is most definitely NOT meh. I believe in giving all the high octane mouth to a girl that she wants and expect nothing in return. This virtually guarantees a most spectacular BJ in return. There are many kinds of sex and sometimes it means one partner concentrating on another to give them the best experience possible.
cbloon
wrote on December 31 2008 @ 09:20 pm: [report]
My current beau does not want oral. Period. Won’t even let me try. He’s fine with doing me, but doesn’t want it himself. I wonder what’s up with that?
BeeGirl
wrote on December 31 2008 @ 10:43 pm: [report]
@cbloon: My boyfriend was like that for a while when we first started dating. He said he thought it was dirty and he didn’t think it was something his girlfriend should be doing… but a random hookup, sure! I thought that was ridiculous, so when he was too horny to say no I went ahead and tried it. We haven’t turned back since.
Drea2up
wrote on January 1 2009 @ 01:10 am: [report]
Men who don’t want oral sex are rare. I have only met one in my life.
I tie cherry stems into knots with my tongue and I don’t think it’s trashy. It’s just a parlor trick that shows you have some control of your tongue. My boyfriend can do it too he is excellent with that tongue of his!
I’m sure YOU will have NO trouble finding a woman, or women who have no problem NOT giving you head! LMAO!
I enjoy giving my man what he enjoys just as much as I enjoy laying back and allowing him to enjoy giving me pleasure.
As always, to each his own!
XOxo~Drea
jessica
wrote on January 1 2009 @ 04:47 am: [report]
oh my. you can make it active! while she’s doing her thing, pull her up toward you and play with her…anywhere….just touch her and i promise it’s more enjoyable for both of you.
TS
wrote on January 1 2009 @ 11:22 am: [report]
Everybody to their own, personally I enjoy oral sex, giving and receiving. Bringing pleasure to a lady is a wonderful thing, how you get the train to the station is irrelevant as long as everybody enjoys the ride.
TampaGuitarGuy73
wrote on January 1 2009 @ 11:46 am: [report]
Make eye contact(hard to do in the dark) be slutty and suck it like it’s your last. Def more ball contact and for me at least don’t be afraid to use a finger.
Isabela Laval
wrote on January 1 2009 @ 12:42 pm: [report]
Why does it have to be a passive thing? Just do the 69 already!
Lynn
wrote on January 1 2009 @ 12:46 pm: [report]
I’ve dated several guys who didn’t like blowjobs. Different reasons - one wouldn’t even let me try it in the first place, he just said that he didn’t like them and didn’t want me to bother. Another one was of the camp that his beloved girlfriend shouldn’t do it. When he did let me down there, he came super quick - so I know it wasn’t that I had some horrible technique - but he only very rarely “let” me down there. He just thought it was degrading and didn’t want someone he cared about doing it. Of course, he was a snore in the sack otherwise, so maybe he was just too buttoned up in general
damn_skippy
wrote on January 2 2009 @ 02:58 am: [report]
i’m blown away! are there responsible boners out there that don’t steer the owners belly-up to snore?
the economist great stuff!
EastCoastMale
wrote on January 4 2009 @ 02:07 pm: [report]
just thought I’d pop in after being away for a bit and say I totally agree with John. I wouldnt turn away a woman in such a way that it would be considered rude but a playful suggestion of other possible activities is the route I may take. I wont comment on some of the posts in here but lets just say some men need to improve techniques or their amount of relaxation just as some women do =)
DidSheReallyGoThere
wrote on January 4 2009 @ 08:42 pm: [report]
Interesting perspective. I don’t see anything ‘wrong’ with it….unless the lady’s doing all the ‘down under exploration’ with no reciprocity!
betterthancosmo
wrote on January 5 2009 @ 02:06 pm: [report]
I just wish men would be satisfied with a blow job, and not feel the need to return the favor…every time i get oral..it feels like a drunkard at a pie eating contest under a 90 second time limit.
fidelacastro
wrote on January 6 2009 @ 08:36 pm: [report]
did my boyfriend write this? he likes fellatio just fine, but he’d much rather bang it out the full-bodied way. and he LOVES going down on me. fortunately for me, he’s incredible at it.
writer guy, you’re definitely not alone. and, at least from my perspective, you’re the best kind of guy.
ChoJinn
wrote on January 7 2009 @ 12:57 am: [report]
I agree with the author. While orgasms from blowjobs are far stronger than those that come from traditional sex and masturbation, they take much longer. I prefer traditional sex any day, although I am still perturbed by women who never go down on me, even for just a bit; especially considering I spend all day doing the same to them.
rowdygirl
wrote on January 15 2009 @ 11:08 am: [report]
I think some people are missing the point of what he is trying to say. The “job” is fine and all, but maybe this is a man who is really seeking a connection with his partner and not just the finale? That’s how I read it anyway.. especially since he pretty much comes right out and says it. I think it’s refreshing to hear a MAN say that he wants more than just the act.. he wants the whole experience. My man is very skilled in bed, but he’s also emotionally distant. There are many times when I would much rather have the snuggly, loving, old fashioned love making than a mind-blowing orgasm from oral sex.. I know that sounds nuts ( I can’t even believe I just said it !) but the mushy part of me needs that loving feeling too.
EastCoastMale
wrote on January 15 2009 @ 11:33 am: [report]
Rowdy
You may be right in that he seeks some part of the emotional connection more than he wants to receive the act of a blowjob but I dont think that is the entirety of what he is saying. People in here arent missing the point in my mind but rather relating their own opinion in whatever context to the authors article, which is good. Some say oral orgasms for a man are much stronger and I would disagree but thats just my own opinion and thats good for us all to have a different view (not saying you didnt already know that so please dont take it in a condescending way, not meaning to…promise). He may want a total mind meld connection or he may just want a more full bodied experience, not as in his actual body and hers, but having more variety yof contact with words and glances. Who knows, if men had a penis on their chest and her face was much closer where he could see her eyes up close and not like looking so far down that he is a well-water inspector. I know what cosmo means about wanting a man to just receive and be happy and someone of us are neither, I am meh about receiving and not too crazy on giving, so I am a major foreplay/makeout/cuddle/sex person.
misspixie
wrote on March 12 2009 @ 04:43 pm: [report]
I think it just depends on the person, different strokes and all that (no pun intended…). My ex would never go down on me - despite me happily going down on him - and I am incredibly neurotic now about letting anyone else do it, because in the back of my head I just assume something is wrong!!!! So annoying. Grr. :(
whatevers
wrote on May 2 2009 @ 06:40 pm: [report]
Without reading through everyone’s comments on this I just thought I’d throw in my 2 cents.
I always considered the bj something special. And actually the first bj I ever had I was more scared than the first time I had actual sex. I really didn’t know what would happen - if it would be like the second she put her lips on me I’d go off like a bottle rocket or what. Over time I got more into them but I needed to actually feel some connection too. But in my mind just the fact that my gf was willing to do it made it feel more special I guess. It’s definitely not the “main event” but it can be really amazing too. I think oral is the 2nd most intimate thing you can possibly do with someone and that there’s a trust and a love that has to be there for it to BE amazing.