Mind Of Man: I Can’t Change, But I’m Trying Anyway
Posted by: John DeVore
Filed in:
guys
1:00PM, Wednesday November 4th 2009
You can’t change the one you love. Your significant other isn’t a fixer-upper that you can repaint, renovate, and redecorate to suit your whims. Loving someone for who they could be, should be or as you see them in your dreams isn’t love: it’s self-absorption that says more about your own flaws than theirs. To totally massacre President Kennedy’s famous call to action, ask not what love can do for you, but what you can do for love.
I’ve broken up with smoking. She did nothing for me: made me stink, emptied my bank account, and wreaked havoc on my health, both in the short term and the long term. On the plus side, she never really called me crying at three in the morning.
And so, I quit smoking. I haven’t burned a tube of carcinogenic vegetation since last week. As I write this, I am chewing Nicorette like a piranha chomping on a piece of Amazonian explorer ass meat. My jaw actually hurts from squeezing every last gram of nicotine from a gum that tastes like the candy they give out in hell on Halloween to little demon spawn wearing frightening Miley Cyrus masks. I’m happy about it. Sure, sometimes I crouch in the corner and sob. Every so often, I feel like tearing off my skin, balling it up, and lobbing the wet mess at people blissfully enjoying a smoke on the street. But I’m happy about it. Mostly. Kind of. Yes. Yes!
So I’ve broken up with smoking. She did nothing for me: made me stink, emptied my bank account, and wreaked havoc on my health, both in the short term and the long term. On the plus side, she never really called me crying at three in the morning. And she made me look so cool, so gritty and rock and roll. She tasted great with whiskey, and after a hearty meal, and first thing in the morning when I needed a kick. I knew she’d never leave me, and she’d keep me company when I was lonely, or up until five in the morning hack writing. Ours was a relationship devoid of the threat of rejection. We had planned on having many beautiful tumor babies together. But now, I’ve kicked that bitch to the curb.
My reason for quitting smoking was a small moment a few weeks ago. I’ve tried to quit in the past, but have always fallen off the wagon. I took drugs to break the habit. It’s called “Zyban.” I didn’t know at the time that “Zyban” is actually the antidepressant “Wellbutrin” re-branded by the pharmaceutical industry. Those scamps! It’s comforting to think that these drugs are so powerful, and the human brain so complex, that they even surprise the scientists who invent them. I can imagine the joy when these pill doctors told their marketing department, “Oh, and guess what else we just discovered we think this drug can do!” So I took it and totally wasn’t depressed, even though I wasn’t depressed to begin with. Also: I quit smoking, because I was too high to care. Then I got a head-to-toe rash and my doctor told me, and I’m paraphrasing here, “Oopsies! Stop taking them!”
It’s a powerful addiction. My father died of lung cancer. He had been a smoker his whole life, and he loved his cigars. He accepted his illness, quietly, as a consequence of his actions. It’s such a powerful habit that the first time I took him to chemo, I had succeeded in turning the shock of his diagnosis into a reason to quit. I had been smoke-free for two weeks. As I settled him into one of dozens of recliners at the chemo center (which felt like a WalMart, with aisles of people hoping the medicinal poison would kill the cancer faster than the cancer itself), I remember kissing him on his head and walking outside. A walk became a run, a run to the closest convenience store I could find, where I bought a pack. And careful not to catch the disapproving gave of any of the bald zombies leaving the Chemo-Mart, I hot boxed three smokes. I swear, the first calming drag gave me a hard-on. At one point, I wasn’t sure if I was smoking the cancer stick or if it was smoking me. It was like a mutiny: my lips trembled with fear, tears of betrayal welled up in my eyes, and I inhaled, deeply, anyway.
I’m quitting because the current woman I am dating asked me, politely, a few weeks ago, to brush my teeth. Up until this point, she had never mentioned my smoking. She’d even let me smoke in her decidedly smoke-free apartment. We’d go out, and she’d ask if I had to pick up a pack before we left for wherever we were going. There was no nagging, no lecture, no finger-wagging. No ultimatum. But I love kissing her. It’s embarrassing to admit. She’s like dessert. If the sense of touch could be communicated in colors, her lips would be a detonation of wild flowers. So I’ve quit, while she’s out of town. I’m writing, eating baby carrots, and chewing. Chewing, chewing, chewing. She didn’t ask me to change. I’m just doing it. Because it’s not about me.
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riensept
wrote on November 4 2009 @ 01:13 pm: [report]
Oh John, I so love you. That was a perfect, perfect article.
TinaLish
wrote on November 4 2009 @ 01:20 pm: [report]
That is an amazingly beautiful thing to do for someone out of the goodness of your heart. I think it says a lot about a man’s character to be willing to stop something on your own without someone asking you to because you care enough about them to let go of something that you don’t really need anyway.
I wish more guys could be like John DeVore! Seriously.
AbbyGirl
wrote on November 4 2009 @ 01:27 pm: [report]
My bf definitely needs to read this. I’ve been very polite about his occasional smoking, but secretly, I think it’s absolutely disgusting and hate kissing him after he smokes!
H. Blue
wrote on November 4 2009 @ 01:30 pm: [report]
I applaud you, John DeVore.
lilrockgoddess4u
wrote on November 4 2009 @ 01:35 pm: [report]
Good luck!
equnsuocha
wrote on November 4 2009 @ 01:39 pm: [report]
Good Luck John!
JamiGirl
wrote on November 4 2009 @ 01:43 pm: [report]
Every week, I admire you more and more.
intuition
wrote on November 4 2009 @ 01:45 pm: [report]
My boyfriend is in the process of quitting. Thank you for offering some insight into what he is going through.
tabby
wrote on November 4 2009 @ 01:48 pm: [report]
Best of luck! And I am sure she will really appreciate it.
brandy1224
wrote on November 4 2009 @ 01:49 pm: [report]
I to wish to stop smoking, mostly for health reasons. some of it is the cost now that the price went up. It is a hard habit to break and I have tried the patches and the
. Nothing seams to help, I have smoked for over 1/2 of my life,I have no will power.
It is insane how bad I am hooked. I tried that cigarrest and several other things, I am beginning to think this is hopeless.
There has to be a way to stop the insanity and break this horrible habit, that is destroying my heath and my pocketbook.
MadMax
wrote on November 4 2009 @ 02:19 pm: [report]
You go John! You can do it.
Good luck.
Christinaval
wrote on November 4 2009 @ 02:56 pm: [report]
Wonderful story!
silvergurl
wrote on November 4 2009 @ 03:21 pm: [report]
i love you, john devore. i can’t wait to find me one of you!
majicksand
wrote on November 4 2009 @ 03:31 pm: [report]
Once you quit putting the nicotine in, it will be out of your system in 3 days. Then it’s just you against you. Good luck!
Funny Face
wrote on November 4 2009 @ 03:46 pm: [report]
I know you didn’t have a good experience with Zyban but I quit using Chantix. It gives you really crazy dreams but I hardly had any withdrawl symptoms. I don’t know how you can chew that nicotine gum…it tastes awful and made my teeth feel weird.
bethlynn00
wrote on November 4 2009 @ 05:13 pm: [report]
Good luck on quitting smoking! You can do it. I think it is much harder to try to quit under stress (like having your Dada dx with lung cancer & taking your Dad to chemo)than to quit for more vanity issues (like to get some kissing action going), but whatever works. I am trying to get my sister to stop smoking, but she is hooked just as much as you! The only time she quit was while she was pregnant, but the minute after (well within a few months) the baby popped out she started right back up again!
P.S.-Is anyone else as freaked out as me when they see the Chantix commercials? Those side effects (including suicidal thoughts and ideation!) are so horrendous!
Shasta
wrote on November 4 2009 @ 05:26 pm: [report]
Just goes to show ya what we’ll do for the opposite sex.
Lung cancer, chemo, oxygen canisters couldn’t hold a candle.
We bitch and moan about relationships and analyze the sh** out of them, but in the end they’re really, really great and we’d do just about anything for the right one.
STAY STRONG!
Molly Jean
wrote on November 4 2009 @ 05:46 pm: [report]
As a smoker of 10 years, who has tried (& failed) to quit on several occasions (including a cold turkey stint that lasted an entire year), I would never wish the hell that is quitting smoking on my worst enemy. Good luck, John!
For those of you who have S.O.s you want to quit, just know that it is one of the hardest/most complex things in the WHOLE world. I’m a bit of a health freak, except when it comes to cancer sticks, which makes no sense & speaks to how unreasonable this addiction is. It’s hard to explain to nonsmokers…just know that quitting is hell. Be patient & don’t be mean because quitting smoking is an absolute nightmare!
onewriter
wrote on November 4 2009 @ 07:28 pm: [report]
Go, Johnny, Go! Go!!
GypsyQueen
wrote on November 4 2009 @ 10:03 pm: [report]
D’awwww, too cute. This is the sort of thing that just makes a lady melt and go all gooey. :D
sheselectric
wrote on November 4 2009 @ 10:58 pm: [report]
i love almost everything about this article, from the skin-ripping and throwing to the first-drag-induced hard-on, and especially the kissing-detonation-of-flowers thing. best of luck to you!
i smoked like a cowboy for five years and to this day will say that there’s nothing more delicious than a cigarette sometimes, but haven’t had one since new years for reasons beyond ridiculous… they make my teeth yellow and i don’t wanna look like a mummy in ten years. why was that more effective than the promise of cancer? who knows, brains are weeeird.
canadiancutie
wrote on November 4 2009 @ 11:05 pm: [report]
Yaaaaaaaay! This article gave me hope that one day, hopefully in the not-so-distant future, my boo will quit of his own volition too! And I won’t be relegated to getting him hammered and slapping him with Nicorette patches when he’s too drunk to notice:D
Not that I’ve… considered that or anything.
onewriter
wrote on November 4 2009 @ 11:06 pm: [report]
hahahahahaha!!!!!
paul
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 02:30 am: [report]
I quit 20 years ago after smoking 60 per day for 20 years. Did it “Cold Turkey” and with no external motivator. My greatest dissapointment is that I am yet to experience the presumed ‘withdrawl’ symptoms. I will not wish you luck but bid you ‘fare well’
laineygirl
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 04:39 am: [report]
You are really something, JDV. Very nice.
onewriter
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 07:19 am: [report]
You inspire me. Yes, even at 5am…I’m going to cut out all sugar from my diet again. It works wonderfully but is really hard to do. You’re awesome John. Just awesome.
luke15chick
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 07:41 am: [report]
my bf doesn’t smoke but does have a few habits I’m not in love with, I’ve been attempting the quiet approach your gf used and your article has given me encouragement it just might work.
ACooper
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 09:44 am: [report]
Aww. I think I just fell in love with you
titsmagee
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 04:11 pm: [report]
I think we all just fell in love with you.
I try to help my bf stop smoking but he gets so stressed that he has really had trouble. I understand that it must be difficult though so I don’t nag or even mention it. He does brush his teeth and swirl around mouthwash before kissing me but I can still breathe it in from his lungs. It’s sort of sad but he does all he can.
C.Munro
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 04:23 pm: [report]
But don’t you miss it?
I mean, I know most cigarettes are smoked more to quiet a nagging craving and aren’t really enjoyed at all. But think of the good times.
Like walking out of an airport and finally lighting up after being crammed into an aluminum tube for four hours. Mmmmm. Remember how good it feels when that first day that feels like fall hits Texas, when you step outside, smell fireplace smoke drifting in the air, and feel that first drag fill your lungs like a milkshake you can inhale. And really, does anything accompany a glass of single-malt as well as a cigarette?
Jenbug
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 04:44 pm: [report]
@C.Munro I have to ask, why?
C.Munro
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 04:51 pm: [report]
Why what?
retro chic
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 04:53 pm: [report]
My mom quit smoking twice before the third try stuck: she didn’t tell us first. She waited to see if she could do it for herself, before all the judging eyes and noses could anticipate another failure. So, that’s my message to you, John, and perhaps one you know already (given that you did this in your GF’s absence), is to not tell her – let her notice, once you’ve had a chance to acclimate to this brave new lifestyle without any added, if self-imposed, pressure. After all, you can only do this for yourself.
C.Munro: Let me guess. Were you a torture specialist for the gov’t/military?
C.Munro
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 04:56 pm: [report]
Nah, I’m just a bunghole.
onewriter
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 07:14 pm: [report]
@ munro are you mental? why would you be an ass and say something like that? he’s not going to go back to cancer sticks because of your ‘suggestions’.
C.Munro
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 07:18 pm: [report]
Oh, I’m just teasing. I really do wish him success in quitting.
Riley
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 07:23 pm: [report]
I thought it was funny C.Munro. I think you get a better selection through pipe tobacco if you are looking to complement your drink. Just me though.
retro chic
wrote on November 6 2009 @ 12:30 am: [report]
@Riley the Avenger, aww. Who’da thought you had such a righteous heart. That’s twice today you’ve rescued the kids in detention, you righter of wrongers, you.
Love
Nemesis the Goddess
kray417
wrote on November 6 2009 @ 01:25 am: [report]
that totally just turned me on and made me want to try and quit, again…
Frederica Bimble
wrote on November 6 2009 @ 05:31 am: [report]
I can’t see why so many people on here are saying how they “could fall in love with you” or that you’ve done such a great thing (paraphrased).
So, you open your article with a paragraph about how “you can’t change people” yet you’ve allowed the woman you’re seeing to do just that to YOU.
If you want to quit a habit, then quit it for you. Why? Because if you are quitting it because someone else doesn’t like it, (that ol’ chestnut of “I’m not good enough for her”) then what happens when she goes? Your relationship ends today, tomorrow, whenever - then will you go back to smoking?
It was fine for you just a day before, so one can only speculate that it will be fine for you if she is no longer in your life. Sure, your relationship may not “end” but you have still allowed SOMEONE ELSE TO CHANGE YOU but alas, that is not the point.
If you want to quit something like smoking, then quit because YOU know in the deepest recesses of YOUR being that it is no longer FOR YOU. You, me - anyone - cannot use others for “permission” on how we are to behave.
That leads me to something else. Back to the beginning of the article. You state: “Loving someone for who they could be, should be or as you see them in your dreams isn’t love: it’s self-absorption that says more about your own flaws than theirs.”
This statement is flimsy and only sees life from the side of immaturity - the outlook of someone who would stop smoking because “his woman” doesn’t like it. Rather than loving you with your cigarettes or whatever it is that you think is part of you, those who love you because they see YOU for how you REALLY are rather than the cigarettes may be coming out and telling you straight up that the smoking bothers them because they have a back-bone and stand up for their convictions and beliefs and maybe instead of trying to make yourself feel better by pointing the proverbial mirror back on them and saying it is about “self-absorption” on their part, try truly seeing the motivation of someone who would say, “I like you but you really ought to cut out the cigarettes.” Could it be because they may give a damn enough to actually SAY it to you?
You have convinced yourself that you’re in control of how and why you’ve quit smoking but no, you are just like so many other men - not all, thankfully - who expect a woman to “sort them out.”
Good for you that you’ve quit smoking. So have millions of other people too. Good for you that you found someone you can put on a pedestal and be “less than” too.
Those things are all good for you. I wish you luck for yourself and that you one day learn how to stand on your own two feet and stop smoking or doing whatever it is you feel guilty about or whatever it is you’re waiting for others to “allow you” to stop.
And, no, once again, folks I’m not coming back to “argue” any points on what I’ve written. Take it on board or don’t. That is up to you.
Riley
wrote on November 6 2009 @ 08:26 am: [report]
@Retro - I don’t know if boredom and silly commentary passes as avenging the cool kids in detention. We all have our ways to kill time, I’m glad you have found yours.
ElleSays
wrote on November 6 2009 @ 10:10 am: [report]
What he does speaks volumes more than what he says!
LinSea
wrote on November 6 2009 @ 10:25 am: [report]
Great article
I too used to smoke and the only thing that worked for me was going cold-turkey (lots of gum & lollipops) I still got cravings up to a year or so after wards but I kept telling myself the fantasy of smoking was better that actually taking another drag. I’m so glad I quit when I did I couldn’t imagine still smoking.
I also work for one of those pill pusher doctors and wouldn’t recommend anything they prescribe I seen people with horrendous side effects, have horrible nightmares, completely change their personality and even get violent. On the packaging of Chantix it even says that it can cause major mood changes. Granted it has worked for a few people but I wouldn’t risk it.
Morwen
wrote on November 6 2009 @ 10:56 am: [report]
When I read the post’s title, I was about to raise hell. “No one should ask a man (or woman) to change in order to love them!” “That’s the whole ‘this guy has potential’ madness all over again’!” “Love them as you found them, not as you try to make them!”.
Then I saw the whole thing was about smoking, and I thought it was just fine in this case.
And now I’m wondering. Are there some changes for love that can be for the better? Or all of them are just a cruel way of trying to twist a person into another? Or maybe we non smokers just have a double standard?
stormygirl
wrote on November 8 2009 @ 06:30 am: [report]
Wonderful! - just love reading your stuff John DV, I would love to be able to be as good of a writer as you. You can do it! Stay strong, I know you can! I’m a home girl from Queens, so I know how strong we are.
txninmn
wrote on November 8 2009 @ 08:57 pm: [report]
Wow. JDV. I must say I love your self-satirizing poetical prose. It really makes me think.
And @cmunro, I hope you were joking about everything save the Scotch. One shouldn’t joke about that.
C.Munro
wrote on November 9 2009 @ 12:57 pm: [report]
Well, I can think of some alternatives that compliment a good scotch about as well. Like dim lighting, overcast weather, and thickly padded, glove-soft leather chairs.
txninmn
wrote on November 9 2009 @ 01:46 pm: [report]
Sure and there are some things which out of necessity must go with a good single malt, but I feel I have to point out that you’ve overlooked a crackling fire to warm your feet in front of and, of course, someone to drink with. And please, please, tell me you don’t put ice in it… : )
C.Munro
wrote on November 9 2009 @ 02:49 pm: [report]
I prefer to put a bit of water in my Glenfiddich, but if I’m drinking Irish or bourbon I’ll put ice in that.
txninmn
wrote on November 9 2009 @ 04:21 pm: [report]
Which year? I prefer Oban or Macallan 18 (though I usually end up buying the 14!), but Glenfiddich is fantastic as well. Except the youngest; not so big a fan of that. If you’ve never had the Oban, oh god, try it. It’s so sensual.
C.Munro
wrote on November 9 2009 @ 05:06 pm: [report]
Glenfiddich cask strength (15 years, undiluted) is by far my favorite, when I can find it. The young stuff is acceptable, but I don’t find it any better than Glenlivet. I don’t think I’ve had the Oban yet.
SouthOC
wrote on November 10 2009 @ 12:15 pm: [report]
Great article JDV! People around us (friends, SO’s, kids) can often provide the motivation to change, but the hard work always falls on me!
Whenever I’ve attempted a new self improvement initiative (quit smoking, exercise or read more, etc.) the first few days or weeks are easy, but when the going gets tough, what determines if I’m all in or not is me, not someone else.
Example: If you break up with this girl, do you run out and buy a pack of smokes or do you hang in there?
FrozenFire
wrote on November 11 2009 @ 07:01 pm: [report]
@Morwen: Some changes for love can be for the better of everyone involved. My boyfriend was a long-term alcoholic, and a pretty unlikeable one at that. He quit drinking about three months after we met. He managed for three weeks the first time, then fell off the wagon HARD. It was like wanting to chain-smoke when you screw up trying to quit smoking (which I know from experience), but imagine how bad that can get with someone who was already drinking 24+ beers on an average day. He was a jerk for another month, and then gave quitting another shot. He’s been sober since, and everyone who knows him is relieved. Including him.
I think that the double standard comes into play when it really is for the other person’s own good. It doesn’t count when you’re just trying to twist them into your ideal person, but when they really, truly are doing something that’s ruining their life and/or health. Those circumstances are pretty easy to spot, and they don’t include an annoying habit or something selfish like that. Basically, if the target of the “improvement” is genuinely happy with the change, then you can feel pretty confident that it was for the better.
Just my opinion, though.