Mind Of Man: How To Date A Loser
Posted by: John DeVore
Filed in:
guys
9:00AM, Thursday March 19th 2009
An objective, partially superficial analysis of women’s magazines like Glamopolitan has led me to form the following conclusions:
The point is made: You ladies have dated lots of losers. But have you ever considered that maybe, sometimes, totes gasp, you’re the loser yourself?
Much the way it is patently unfair for a man to judge a woman because she doesn’t accurately reflect the absurd, airbrushed and Photo-shopped Frankenhotties adorning their favorite spank rags, it is unfair for women to write a man’s superficial shortcomings off because he’s not Mr. Sensitive-Rich-Hunk.
Ahhhh, it burns! A “loser” seems to be defined as a person (who are we kidding, a guy) with a demonstrable character blemish. This blemish usually contradicts whatever Glamopolitan tells you is admirable in a man, like granite counter tops, emotional over-availability, therapist-like listening skills, a generous bankroll, and killer style.
To which I say: Nuts. Consider the flipside. Hey, we live like frat boys, but maybe we don’t want to live in a Bed, Bath & Beyond showroom. OK, we don’t call, but maybe you call, text, instant message, and Facebook too much? Yeah, sure, we talk about ourselves a lot, but only during the brief moments of silence when you’re not talking about yourself. And while we’re on the topic: We’re not cheap, your Daddy’s rich, not to mention that he was emotionally unavailable during your youth. And one other thing: That lipstick makes you look like the Joker.
When women talk about men being losers, it usually means that the man doesn’t live up to the standards of her fantasy. Much the way it is patently unfair for a man to judge a woman because she doesn’t resemble the absurd, airbrushed, and Photoshopped Frankenhotties in spank rags, it is unfair for women to write a man’s superficial shortcomings off because he’s not Mr. Sensitive-Rich-Hunk.
Whenever I read or talk to a woman about a recent loser or string of losers, I can’t help but think about that old breakup canard, “It’s not you, it’s me.” Maybe it’s not him, it’s you. Is he a loser, or are you projecting?
Which brings me to a bigger point: Really, we’re all losers. We’re all uniquely dorky snowflakes. Love, real love, not mutually-masturbatory infatuation, is forgiving someone for being human. And being human is being a loser, an embarrassing, spectacular mess of contradictions, insecurities, and pimples. It’s what makes us all so interesting.
Assuming that you are so put together that you’re above criticism is self-deception, pure and simple. The world, and men, are not out to get you and only you. To be fair, the world is out to get us all. But playing the dating victim means that ultimately, you and your potential dates lose, and the only winners are relationship columns about indulging the impulse to wantonly judge others, while sparing yourself. We’re all losers; live with it.
What gives a person character lies not how perfect they are, whether they are rich, stylish, or good-looking. It’s about how they persist despite their flaws. How they bravely trod forth into uncertain mists filled with Velociraptors and trolls, hoping to find the magic ruby or the space battle-station blueprints, all the while dragging their inner-loser behind them by the hair. Any worldview short of this is just shallow, fake self-esteem mumbo-jumbo. The sooner you accept your little defects, the sooner you can accept someone else’s.
Jedi pimp Abraham Lincoln once said, “If you look for the bad in people expecting to find it, you surely will.” Same goes for losers. Don’t go looking because you can find the loser in anybody, since losers are everybody.
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rowdygirl
wrote on March 19 2009 @ 09:12 am: [report]
I hate to agree, but I can’t help myself.
This is why I have decided when my current relationship ends, I’m done. There is no point in continuing to torture myself to find someone that doesn’t exist. I’m not being negative, just being a realist. I don’t have extremely high expectations; just looking for someone to live a normal life with me. Sadly, most men do want the “frankenhotties” .. no matter how crazy, manipulative, high maintenance, etc. they are. It’s a fact.. plain and simple. You hear men complain all the time about women being a pain in the a**, or a bit**, but when you look at the type of women they want, I think they deserve what they get. Women who can get away with anything because of they way they look will surely take advantage of that skill.
I’m sure there are men out there who don’t base everything on looks and can appreciate a woman for being human and flawed, but they’re already taken.
lalaland
wrote on March 19 2009 @ 09:13 am: [report]
“Really, we’re all losers. We’re all uniquely dorky snowflakes.” - love it!
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on March 19 2009 @ 09:15 am: [report]
John, when I read the title I thought you had sold us out. You made up with it with this article, thanks.
Good quote from jedi pimp robot ninja pirate Abe Lincoln too.
Amelia
wrote on March 19 2009 @ 09:16 am: [report]
@rowdygirl Mr. DeVore isn’t taken, FYI
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on March 19 2009 @ 09:18 am: [report]
@rowdygirl: We men have a saying. “Women are like parking spots, all the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.”
So we both have this lofty goal of Mr/Mrs right and they are always taken, shucks.
Fizzy
wrote on March 19 2009 @ 09:18 am: [report]
I have to agree with rowdygirl. I think men are more focused on superficial things.
That said, this article was a good read and the line about the snowflakes is a winner.
Naneenya
wrote on March 19 2009 @ 09:19 am: [report]
...never wearing red lipstick again.
subpar
wrote on March 19 2009 @ 09:51 am: [report]
I LOVE losers. And flaws. Unforunetly, no one I’ve met recently is dorky enough to date.
BeTheBuilding
wrote on March 19 2009 @ 09:52 am: [report]
Not that I put any stock into what Cosmo prints, but I agree with this article completely, even if it did kill the joy to wear my new favorite lipstick. Sigh, goodbye “Lady Danger.”
prettywicked
wrote on March 19 2009 @ 10:13 am: [report]
Totes agree. Fab article as usual, Mr. DeVore.
I learned a long time ago that I’m only attracted to flawed individuals. People without quirks or more obvious flaws don’t hold my interest.
Plus, the flawed ones tend to be the only ones who dig/are willing to put up with my own wackness.
eclipse
wrote on March 19 2009 @ 10:20 am: [report]
I liked this, I always think its a good idea to be reminded that noone is perfect. We think men are superficial because they want the ‘perfect woman’, looks wise, but we are just as superficial when we expect the ‘perfect man’ who fits into our own idea of the perfect fantasy man…100% emotional availability, perfect listener, great shape, & etc…you get the idea.
We just gotta remember that everyone is human. We shouldn’t skimp on things that are important to us, but we also shouldn’t make up an overly dramatic list that every man has to adhere to other wise no one is ever going to make the cut.
Us girls are silly sometimes, I know I am. lol
EarthGoddess
wrote on March 19 2009 @ 10:24 am: [report]
This paragraph rocks: “Which brings me to a bigger point: Really, we’re all losers. We’re all uniquely dorky snowflakes. Love, real love, not mutually-masturbatory infatuation, is forgiving someone for being human. And being human is being a loser, an embarrassing, spectacular mess of contradictions, insecurities, and pimples. It’s what makes us all so interesting.” ... great article!
Kiki T
wrote on March 19 2009 @ 10:25 am: [report]
“When women talk about men being losers, it usually means that the man doesn’t live up to the standards of her fantasy.”
YES! YES! YES!
pasted
wrote on March 19 2009 @ 10:52 am: [report]
I love this, truly. Last year got out of a 2+ year relationship with someone who thought he was perfect and never seemed to recognize that I’m only human. It was what eventually lead to our downfall. Now I’m loving the times I spend with my new boy and my best friends just goofing on each other’s defects and being losers happily together!
Humble Bee
wrote on March 19 2009 @ 12:36 pm: [report]
Well I agree and disagree to a certain extent.
I agree that no one is perfect, but there’s a difference between pointing people’s imperfections out and being with a deadbeat loser. I’m not staying with a jobless, boring, goal lacking loser. I actually don’t care if he has a job, as long as he is working towards his dream. He doesn’t have to have geroge Clooney’s looks, or be rich, we can work at it together. I don’t get people who say they love losers. Maybe they mean that in a playful way, words have lost their meaning lately, like slut means person who has a lot of sex, I though it was a person who had sex with everyone, and now people say everything is Gay and the list goes on. I don’t need a magazine or website to tell me the 7 sign or whatnot, I know the difference between a flawed person and a freaking loser.
Having a pimple, or looking dorky doesn’t make you a loser, those are physical flaws.
Sofjna
wrote on March 19 2009 @ 01:27 pm: [report]
I love this article! I’m proud of the fact that I’m a nerd and “dorky snowflake”. That’s what makes people so interesting. “Perfect” people are boring; they’re so cookie cutter that there’s nothing new to learn from them. My friends think I’m weird because I always like the non-typical guys.
retro chic
wrote on March 19 2009 @ 01:37 pm: [report]
John, Talk dirty to me…
“...bravely trod forth into uncertain mists filled with Velociraptors and trolls, hoping to find the magic ruby or the space battle-station blueprints, all the while dragging their inner-loser behind them by the hair. Any worldview short of this is just shallow…”
I love a man in the agonal throes of entering imperfect adulthood.
;P
So, Flaws + Acceptance = Character—->therefore more Dates and true Intimacy? Loser is losing oneself in the kaleidoscope of lovely, unique differences. Thank you, honey…err, I mean *Snowflake*
;*)
saysay
wrote on March 19 2009 @ 08:51 pm: [report]
you are a wise man.
Little Lamb
wrote on March 20 2009 @ 07:08 am: [report]
I love my boyfriend’s lisp, beer belly, and patchy back-hair! And even though I will NEVER, EVER, EVER tell him, I do love him for his need to be right all the time.
Chelle
wrote on March 20 2009 @ 07:31 am: [report]
I believe that everyone has their own idea of perfection. My idea of perfection is definitely not the generic “hunk” who has money and decorates well. I just want to find the person who is most compatible with me. Someone I don’t argue with, can hold a meaningful conversation, has common interests, and isn’t totally terrible to look at. I’d say I’ve ended up with “losers” because obviously it didn’t work out. So it’s true that we were both losers in that sense. I think you have to be just picky enough to find the right person for you. It shouldn’t have anything to do with looks and money. But, hey, that doesn’t hurt as an added bonus
Humble Bee
wrote on March 20 2009 @ 11:13 am: [report]
I completely agree with you Chelle.
GudrunBrangwen
wrote on March 20 2009 @ 06:36 pm: [report]
Agree with this. One slightly different usage, though, is women describing men as “losers” when they do something truly #&@$% to the woman in question—e.g. if he cheated, was emotionally abusive, etc., well he’s a loser, and you’re better off without him! I think this is a way for certain women to lessen the sting of feeling like they’ve been victimized, or taken advantage of. Instead of saying “he was an #&@$% who got away with making me feel bad,” it’s like “turns out he’s a loser, a real man wouldn’t act that way.”
This is a lot less objectionable than trash-talking a guy for having a bad car or a hairy back or whatever. Sometimes I wonder, though, if it wouldn’t be more emotionally honest for women to admit that they liked a guy & he hurt their feelings—instead of being like “LOL he’s such a loser.”
crazyincarolina
wrote on March 21 2009 @ 11:30 am: [report]
As I am a “spectacular mess of contradictions, insecurities, and pimples” myself, I could not have said it better…another great article John, i might love you enough to girl fight now…
Titi
wrote on March 22 2009 @ 11:52 am: [report]
“We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love.”-Tom Robbins
nemesis1
wrote on March 24 2009 @ 07:15 pm: [report]
Economics 101:
- Life is a series of trade-offs.
- There is no such thing as a free lunch.
Contemporary Relationship Theory 101:
- You deserve to HAVE IT ALL, and if you don’t, it’s everyone else’s (read: men’s) fault.
Common sense 101:
- Buy a big mirror and take a long look into it. Physician heal thyself.
hiyahails
wrote on April 1 2009 @ 04:54 pm: [report]
“being human is being a loser, an embarrassing, spectacular mess of contradictions, insecurities, and pimples. It’s what makes us all so interesting.”
.. i can’t help wishing i was an alien? haha
but actually, i hate to admit that i thoroughly agreed with this article!
and it was great for a laugh too!
xo
hiyahails
wrote on April 1 2009 @ 04:57 pm: [report]
and i also, will think twice about wearing red lipstick..
uh oh!
mojomaggie
wrote on May 1 2009 @ 11:02 am: [report]
John DeVore, I love you. You write like an angel. Marry me, please, you dorky snowflake, you!
BlueVibe
wrote on July 6 2009 @ 11:45 am: [report]
I don’t see why anyone would be “afraid to admit” they agree with this, because it’s dead-on.
The “losers” in those magazines aren’t even real losers—anyone who isn’t a Ken-doll with a six-figure income and a psychiatry degree is a “loser” by their standards, which is just absurd. Heck, I’m a female loser by their standards. Except that I’m not really a loser: I’m educated, smart, funny, honest, and nice but not a doormat. I’ve read enough of those magazines to know what’s in them, and enough to know that I seem to have very little in common with their target audience.
And people ARE dorky. I’m dorky, you’re dorky, everyone is dorky in some way.