Mind Of Man: Guys Have Insecurities, Just Like Women!
Posted by: John DeVore
Filed in:
guys
11:00AM, Wednesday August 26th 2009
You’ll never see a dude turn to another dude and ask, “Do I look fat in these pants?” But that doesn’t mean men are invulnerable to insecurities, no matter how much we’d like to think so. Women are upfront about their fears, doubts, and self-esteem. I used to think it was just compulsive gabbiness, a quirk of the fairer sex. But, in fact, it is an admirable coping mechanism that’s even a little bit courageous. That said, I’ll sack up and admit that I’ve spent a lot of my life feeling like a fatty, a chubasaurus, half-man and half-marshmallow.
It should not surprise you to know that I was a mouth-breathing little butterball growing up. I’d blame something glandular, but it was probably the transfixing stare of that whore, Little Debbie.
(Do these pants make my ass look like too much jello was shoveled into too small of a trash bag?)
Men have always had insecurities. We just don’t talk about them, preferring to grit teeth, squint, and clench fists. Mostly, we overcompensate, mistaking swaggering arrogance for bravery. And we have been doing this since time immemorial with diminishing returns. Our swagger has gotten us trampled while chasing bigger Wooly Mammoths, or splattered by limestone blocks while designing taller pyramids, or shot in the face while vaingloriously galloping mighty white steeds into machine gun nests. Not much has changed: There are still dudes swinging thimble wangs, flashing plastic, and braying like sweat-glossed swamp donkeys. Sometimes they drive their sports cars into trees. Hopefully, in another thousand years, we’ll have rid the gene pool of this transparent bluster. After all, giving a name to your fear makes it easier to kill.
If I had to hazard a guess as to the number-one male insecurity, I’d say it was hair. Many men, from their early twenties on, live in mortal fear of losing their locks. Thanks to my swarthy Mexican-American maternal grandfather, I have, so far, kept my hair. But I know it’s a source of never-ending dread for dudes. I sincerely believe women who tell men that they find the shaved head sexy. But like the beefy Biblical badass Samson, when a man loses his hair, he loses his vitality, his game. Or so it feels. I had a friend who eventually ended up dating a wonderful woman who soothingly convinced him that shaving his noggin made him unbelievably hot. I give her mad props for gingerly convincing him to go Jean-Luc Picard. Because before her, he would slick his hair straight back, with greasy strands revealing wisps of scalp. It was brutal, and he never asked what I thought about his hair, and I never said anything. Because what would I have said? How’s the chemo going?
I’d say the second biggest male insecurity concerns penis size, and sexual prowess in general. Men are freaked out by penis size, independent of reality. Two people fit or they don’t, and sometimes a man with a meat pendulum just doesn’t fit. But recently, I’ve been noticing more and more of those “male enhancement” drug commercials, which seem to be subsidizing all of cable television. You know the spots, where a creepy middle-aged man enthusiastically talks in winking innuendos about increasing stamina, improving your love life, and sometimes there’s an endorsement by a race car driver. Read up on these “vitamins.” The best parts of the commercials are when they promise users “powerful erections.” That’s right: Erections that can shatter concrete blocks! Judging from the omnipresence of this patently absurd snake oil, I can only surmise that there are a lot of men out there dreaming of a magic pill that will turn their penises into light sabers. This makes me sad. These ridiculous pills are probably just part pesticide, part Tic-Tac.
But I think men and women share a similar neurosis about weight, although we tackle it in different ways. I think men are more results-oriented, and less prone to angst. But not me! It should not surprise you to know that I was a mouth-breathing little butterball growing up. I’d blame something glandular, but it was probably the transfixing stare of that whore, Little Debbie. I mean, don’t pile on the sympathy. I was a fat kid, but an angry, belligerent one. Try and push me around, and I’d throw my “Lunchables” at your head, then waddle over and punch you in the throat. There are some scars, though. In fourth grade, my mother forced me to wear a ghastly, dark yellow sweatsuit she had proudly bought at a thrift store. The suit’s color resembled the cafeteria’s butterscotch pudding. Which earned me the nickname, ahem, “Puddin’.” The first person to refer to me by that nickname gets punched in the throat.
I never allowed myself to give in to my insecurities. I was a fat kid who acted like he wasn’t, even though I hated getting naked, or wearing tight shirts, or jeans that weren’t “husky,” the former polite word for “human donut.” I would date women who were very open about feeling fat, or just committed to not getting that way. I pretended to be the understanding boyfriend and would go on “sympathy diets” with them. Holy Zeus, am I sensitive or what? The truth is, it allowed me to experiment with dealing with my body issues. I have tried just about every crash diet out there, and am willing to talk at length about them to anyone. Atkins, South Beach, liquid diets, the cabbage soup diet, the foraging diet. I’ve taken diet pills and gone to saunas, and even tried Weight Watchers, which was the best of the bunch because it teaches portion control. Because of these diets, I eventually confessed my body image fears to a friend of mine, a hard-drinking construction worker. I actually opened up, and shared my feelings with a guy whose idea of a good time was drinking cases of beer, setting things on fire and shooting guns. (I have no problem with any one of these things. When done at the same time, however, they can get hairy.) He looked at me, blinked, and said, “John, if you think you’re fat, stop eating so f**king much. Walk more. And don’t put sugar in your coffee.” And I don’t. I take it black, a cup of Darth Vader. It was pretty good advice.
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Kiki T
wrote on August 26 2009 @ 10:07 am: [report]
awwwwww
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on August 26 2009 @ 10:16 am: [report]
Yep, that summed us up pretty much JDV.
And, btw, I can shatter concrete with my erections.
Riley
wrote on August 26 2009 @ 10:31 am: [report]
I said the same thing to a friend; his idea of a good meal was a 2 lb steak and wonders why he is overweight.
Guns, fire and booze; the only way I spend my weekends.
cvsmith122
wrote on August 26 2009 @ 10:46 am: [report]
Lets see Guns… Good ..... I love the gun range ... or deer hunting… Booze ... If it is beer sure. Fire .... i once set my garage on fire as a little kid. So yeah sounds about right.
Shasta
wrote on August 26 2009 @ 11:59 am: [report]
We know men have insecurities but realize that evolution prevents guys from voicing them. It’s the Wooly Mammoth thing. If they smell fear, you’re done for.
While that may work with Big Game Hunting and Negotiating for a bonus, it just leads to closeted alcoholism or a prescription pill addiction.
So our advice - it’s OK with us girsl if you express a little self-doubt. It’s endearing and sweet. Just don’t become a chick and start obsessing over the amount of hair in the shower or your little belly pooch.
Know that taking Stacker or Enzyte has the opposite effect: It makes you look like a neurotic little baby who needs a mother, not a woman.
Loves2Spooge
wrote on August 26 2009 @ 01:03 pm: [report]
@Shasta
That’s why women can be so hard to read sometime. What I took from your comment, “Open up, but not too much that it becomes pathetic.” That’s quite the moving target, and that’s why John has to write columns like this.
Good blog though. I agree with the main insecurities.
*sam*
wrote on August 26 2009 @ 01:11 pm: [report]
aww, my SO is *super* self-conscious about his (almost total) lack of hair!!! I feel so bad for him sometimes because I *know* it bothers him, but, there are times that I just can’t help but crack a joke or two
I can’t help it!! (and in all fairness he’s a good sport, knows I’m only kidding, AND comes back w/ a joke a/b my body shape, or ‘fat kid hands’ lol) besides, thanks to his marine buddies *FINALLY* convincing him that the ever-thinning fade was *not* working for him, he just shaves it all off now, and he looks ****so so so**** much better than he *ever* did with hair!!!
but, idk if all guys are like this (or even just a good majority), but, I’ve noticed my guy is also pretty insecure about getting ‘old’... he just turned 26 last month and is starting to freak out about being ‘middle aged’.... but then again, I mostly chop that up to being around immature 18-20 yr old ‘bro’ types all the time (—he joined the USMC at 23 as opposed to the other guys who signed up at 17 or 18).
SassyDaisy
wrote on August 26 2009 @ 01:27 pm: [report]
@loves2spooge…EXACTLY!!!
Great blog..made me laugh a lot…
wonderfultonight
wrote on August 26 2009 @ 03:57 pm: [report]
Guys with shaved heads aren’t sexy? Since when? I love ‘em .
Shasta
wrote on August 26 2009 @ 09:38 pm: [report]
@Loves2Spooge.
I freely admit that we girls don’t make it easy for you. However, we don’t do it out of spite. Really. OK. SOME women are gigantic bitches, but I hate those women as much as you do.
If we were simple and straightforward you wouldn’t find us interesting. We’d be just another somebody to watch the Bears game with.
I guess the fact that you like to have sex with us does make us a little more attractive. Maybe we should attempt to make up our minds.
OMG. I think I just proved your point here.
onewriter
wrote on August 27 2009 @ 01:39 am: [report]
@JDV good post again. and to tell the truth, a bit of heft is quite sexy. it’s primal I’m sure, but if you see a nice looking man with manners and good taste, and he’s a bit thick around the waist, you know deep down that he can take care of things, isn’t going hungry, could take care of you, and frankly, tries harder to make you feel good. sex ain’t bad either, as long as it’s not full weight if he’s toooo heavy, and the extra pressure below can feel nice too. weight can be worked around. don’t let any of it dampen your enthusiasm xx
Frederica Bimble
wrote on August 27 2009 @ 09:53 am: [report]
This is news?
DancingGeek
wrote on August 27 2009 @ 01:55 pm: [report]
JDV as usual- great post! It is nice to confirm that men also have insecurities and although it might not be “news”, thanks for putting it out there. As for shaved heads- channeling a little bruce Willis a la Die Hard- never bad!
guys- just own the baldness, it’s so much sexier than when you try to cover a bald spot with one very long strand of hair. its the same as a woman owning her body type and being that much sexier for it.
Molly Jean
wrote on August 27 2009 @ 02:09 pm: [report]
JDV! It’s so wrong that I get a crush on you every Wednesday! Stop it!!!
Anyway, I never notice a man’s hair & really I’ve never heard my girlfriends talk of hair that much (if anything, my girlfriends are obsessed with teeth for some reason)!
As for size, well I’m not going to go there…don’t know how to phrase what I want to say in a ladylike way, so I will refrain.
As for weight, that’s the best 1 of the 3 because we are so lucky to be able to CHANGE that. Have you considered running? You should (then again, as a runner, I think EVERYONE should be a runner). Anyway, I’ve just never met a real runner who was out of shape. Just a suggestion.
BigDreams09
wrote on August 27 2009 @ 03:07 pm: [report]
Don’t worry JDV, I was once husky and that same huskyness turned to overweight then to obese. I’d hate going to get my yearly physical before school only to get told by my blunt Asian doctor “Too fat, lose weight.” It never made any difference until I actually wanted to go out into public. Good thing I’ve actually lost weight from exercise.
Madrid Tiger
wrote on August 27 2009 @ 06:05 pm: [report]
One addition… It’s the going bald that makes a guy paranoid, more than the being bald. Losing it is the fear. It’s like dying… The process is worse than the end state…
bogart4017
wrote on August 28 2009 @ 01:16 pm: [report]
@sam—it is a normal process for a guy to panic at 26 about getting old. You’re looking 30 in the face and you wonder if your best years are behind you. That feeling only last for a little while as you try and grab quicksilver only to turn around one day and realize you are over 40 and you don’t know where all the time went.
Ladies this is about the time you should be looking for expensive red sportscars in your driveway and some naked blond chick as wallpaper on his cellphone.
writergirl
wrote on August 28 2009 @ 05:00 pm: [report]
@bogart—crap. thanks for the heads up. I thought I had another ten years before I needed to look for those things.
JDV—excellent post once again. I always knew men had some insecurities, but I was never quite sure where they were aimed and how they were delt with.
Gingee
wrote on August 29 2009 @ 07:36 pm: [report]
Ah, yes, the height. It goes the other way, too. I’ve heard catty remarks from tall men about guys who clock in at 5’5”.
As for going bald, it makes a difference in that bald men look older than other men.
stiffinp
wrote on August 29 2009 @ 07:58 pm: [report]
I am on my way to that “hair” issue myself. So I think my personality makes up for it.
Shasta
wrote on August 29 2009 @ 08:36 pm: [report]
So Men—-
The bottom line is that none of those things (hair, height, heft) is a dealbreaker.
Except for being an a**hole.
If you’ve got the wit, charm and moves, we girls, or at least this girl, doesn’t care about the rest.
develange
wrote on August 30 2009 @ 09:01 am: [report]
agreed, none of these things should be a deal breaker. Unless you are painfully, obsessively insecure about it.
Morwen
wrote on August 31 2009 @ 07:08 am: [report]
This post amused me because just a few weeks ago, one of my friends (a guy) looked at me like he just had an epyphany and said: “So women are insecure too!”
One of these days, men are women really should stop thinking about the others like confident robots from outer space.
Seantastic
wrote on August 31 2009 @ 11:27 pm: [report]
I’m totally insecure about just about anything and everything. I’m just not typically aware of it. Once I’m made aware of X, then I fret about X, stress about X, obsess about X.
Eventually I forgot or am distracted, but it’s always lurking around the corner.
Iammina
wrote on September 1 2009 @ 06:14 pm: [report]
I think that women are more insecure about their appearance than men. That is because there is more pressure on us to fit into the male stereotype of the ideal woman. women, on the other hand, might be attracted to a body builder with a head full of hair and an enormous bulge but if we don’t like him we still would not go out with him. Penis size or muscles doesn’t matter if you are a lousy lover, cheat on us or abuse us. We are more interested in a man who value us, respect us, treat us like their best friend and love making love to us. We can look beyond a few pounds, scars or thinning hair if you are a good guy. Those things just don’t seem important if we enjoy being with you.
We ask if the jeans make our butt look big because the style can actually make us look fat. Mom jeans, jeans with pleats or big pockets add pounds to our hips.
bestbren62
wrote on September 17 2009 @ 07:21 pm: [report]
Thanks John. It is nice to know we women aren’t the only ones with insecurites. I Look beyond all that though to see if a man is really a good guy deep down where it counts.
zappafrank
wrote on September 21 2009 @ 03:37 pm: [report]
Along with the notion that men “grin and bear it,” in the US there’s a culture where it’s apparently OK to put men down and make them look like fools, imperfect, etc. Just look at TV ads and movies…if a woman is made to look foolish, feminists will cry foul, but if a guy is made to look foolish, it’s all in good fun. You have a movie like “All About Steve” where the obsessed one is a female, and it’s “great fun.” Aside from “There’s Something About Mary,” you don’t have the reverse scenario ever played out.
My ex-best-friend - a female - devalued me constantly for human (not male) things: weight, height, lack of judgment, and accused me of being too sensitive when I stood up for myself. But when I chided her on the same things, I was read the riot act.
When men establish their preferences in a mate, they’re often called #&@$%. When a female establishes her preferences, she’s simply exerting her right to choose.
Why is it ok to emasculate men in the US?