Mind Of Man: “Guilty Pleasures” Are For Uptight Chumps

Posted by: John DeVore Filed in: guys
12:00PM, Wednesday April 8th 2009

Comments (39)

Men don’t have “guilty pleasures.” We own, nay, celebrate what’s bad for us. Our obsessions are points of pride, not shame. You’ll never see a guy wolf down a small mountain of waffles with a side of pig and squeal, “OMG, I can’t beliiiiieeeeve I ate everything! Tee! Hee!”

We will shamelessly sit in a nest of pizza crusts playing video games for endless hours. Unabashed tears will crawl out of the corners of eyes when the hometown team chokes at the last minute (tears so manly, of course, that they leave little craters in linoleum.) Beer will be quaffed, their caloric potency mocked. These are the things that make life worth living. That, and never ever getting bored of sly peeping springtime legs stretching out from under brand-new short skirts.

Sure, I could have eaten something drenched in cheese, or deep-fried. But the moment called for something sensible, delicate, and… flaky, okay? What? Quiche is effing awesome.

Feeling bad about feeling good, even if the good is short-term, is for puritan chumps. If I could, I’d go out everywhere in my sweat pants. Damn you society, and your feeble rules. Of course, overindulging has its prices. Sloth and gluttony are venial sins for a reason. But the whole idea of “guilty pleasures” is something that is lady-specific. Y’all feel shame over even tiny little hedonistic infractions. I dated a woman once who was very much my type—hot nerd—who was deeply embarrassed over her celebrity trash magazine addiction. She hid US Weekly’s around her apartment like they were hardcore Eskimo poop porn. Eventually, I staged an intervention that went a little like this:

“For the love of Zeus, woman, own your love of snickering over pictures of Hollywood stretch marks!”

This is not to say dudes aren’t susceptible to social pressures, and masculine stereotypes. There are things that, while not “guilty pleasures,” are… minor vices. Things we are into that don’t contradict standard bro-operating procedure. After all, one cannot live on bacon, boobs, and beer alone. I mean, it’s possible. And not that bad. But a lot of guys find themselves infatuated with hobbies, media, and creature comforts that don’t really fit the lumberjack mold. I’ll wager many of you ladies are the quiet guardians of your man’s not-really-secret, but not-really-public, quirks.

I am not ashamed of anything. Men roll, and roll hard. This is why I will admit to the following minor vices, and in the process, teach all of you, my sisters from different misters, that you can be loud and proud when it comes to the hours you spend rehearsing pucker faces for your digital camera. Boldly rock your “guilty pleasures.”

Bubble Baths: Anyone got a problem with that? Because I will wreck you with kung-fu rage. I love bath salts, bubbles, fizzy crap that promises to magically transform your bathtub into a sauna. The whole kit and caboodle. There is nothing DeVore loves more than a good, frou-frou soak. Hell, maybe I’ll light a votive candle up next to my hot suds stew. I am perfectly fine with everyone knowing this. I even have a rubber ducky. Named “DeathKlaw.”

Quiche: I ate it this past weekend, in fact. That’s right. I shoveled French egg pie into my talkhole. Yes, quiche, a food that sounds like an inappropriate bodily sound. It was delicious. It had spinach in it, and I washed it down with sparkling water. Sure, I could have eaten something drenched in cheese, or deep-fried. But the moment called for something sensible, delicate, and… flaky, okay? What? What was that, dudes? I will knuckle dance on your teeth. Quiche is effing awesome.

Reality TV Shows About Shallow Women: A recent minor vice has actually entered my life. Apparently, every Tuesday, I eat Chinese food and IM Amelia while we watch “The Real Housewives of New York.” [You just need to come over! I’ll bake you a quiche and draw you a nice bubble bath!—Editor] Fine, this admission makes me feel like at any moment, boobs will spontaneously spill out of my button down. Have you seen this show? It’s like an open invitation to hate on women. Is this really, like, popular female wish fulfillment? All that chattering, and glittering? One of these alleged housewives has a tapeworm! And the one who looks like a designer ostrich called an economically disadvantaged tween fat! And there are a couple of other bedazzled banshees that suddenly made me understand why the French guillotined all the rich aristocrats!

What am I talking about? Yes, I am talking about a Bravo reality television show. Ugh. How can anyone NOT tune in? It’s like watching the Hindenburg in 3-D. Read up on Freud’s concept of the “death thrall.” While I’m not overly susceptible to gender norms, I think I need to go to the comic book store, or hit the dive early for a couple pairs of shots and bottles, or at least take a porn break. Shout out to my brodawgs: no, my legs ~~are~~ aren’t shaved.

Screw it. I’ll see you on GChat next Tuesday, Amelia.

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Tags: mind of man, what men think, john devore, guilty pleasures

Comments (39)

comments

Perceptible
wrote on April 8 2009 @ 12:13 pm: [report]

Oh that was good. John, you’re one helluva writer!

Arty
wrote on April 8 2009 @ 12:24 pm: [report]

I was just plain amused and that’s all I have to say this time.

Naneenya
wrote on April 8 2009 @ 12:28 pm: [report]

Your legs are shaved?

CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on April 8 2009 @ 12:30 pm: [report]

I’m into bubble baths as well, “Baby No Tears” bath soap FTW.

Also, Lubriderm on the face. This isn’t for frou-frou reasons, my face falls off if I don’t moisturize.

lalaland
wrote on April 8 2009 @ 12:56 pm: [report]

Dying laughing, thank you John, I needed that!

retro chic
wrote on April 8 2009 @ 01:23 pm: [report]

Soooo, In the Minds of Men, “Guilty|Pleasures” is an oxymoron?

Cherubina
wrote on April 8 2009 @ 01:38 pm: [report]

The whole thing about the ex-girlfriend “hot nerd” with the “guilty pleasure” of celebrity sleaze magazines? Totally describes me to a T.

... I’m not the ex-girlfriend, though.

shannac02
wrote on April 8 2009 @ 03:51 pm: [report]

Sooo… Since I’m a girl, and I loves me some baseball, car races, and beer, does that mean I don’t have to be ashamed of these things anymore? I mean, who doesn’t love watching some old crappy cars go round and round a dirt track on Oklahoma Saturday nights??? Yay!!!! I’m emancipated!

MoonBabye
wrote on April 8 2009 @ 04:09 pm: [report]

“I even have a rubber ducky. Named “DeathKlaw.” “

LMAO. Yep, we’re getting hitched. We can use those twist tie things for rings. I don’t really do jewelry anyway.

retro chic
wrote on April 8 2009 @ 04:43 pm: [report]

Hee-hee… Always knew you were a softy, and that you must REEEAALLY like Woman Quiche, too… What’s for dessert?

assilem
wrote on April 8 2009 @ 05:34 pm: [report]

I think most men have a hard time feeling guilty about most things. Women, on the other hand, are supposed to be the perfect entity, so how could they possibly like those things? I never really understood the idea of a guilty pleasure myself—I’m not going to keep my likes and dislikes a secret.

CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on April 8 2009 @ 06:36 pm: [report]

@shannac02: Wow, you are growing on me, racing AND beer? Wow. I am more of a formula 1 guy, but I enjoy rallying too, and who doesn’t love baseball, I would like to know who your team is though coming from Oklahoma. I am a Phillies phanatic, and our vindication came last year, finally, damn Blue Jays in ‘93 (I was 8 btw).

MegKat
wrote on April 8 2009 @ 08:20 pm: [report]

Great article. I confess, I enjoy playing Final Fantasy while eating nachos. Normal for guys, not as normal for girls.

Sofjna
wrote on April 8 2009 @ 08:37 pm: [report]

@CheeEEsy- yea phillies! haha figures they lost their first game of this season. the green mascot thing freaks me out though; i had a nightmare about it once and have never gotten over it.

vanya
wrote on April 9 2009 @ 06:40 am: [report]

“like watching the Hindenburg in 3-D” - lmao!

Nefret
wrote on April 9 2009 @ 07:06 am: [report]

@Sofjna - ME TOO!!! the Phanatic scares the crap out of me, and is the #1 reason I will never jump on that bandwagon. I’m a Flyers girl all the way. I do have to say though that World Series week was the most fun since I moved to Philly - hot guys randomly celebrating baseball in the streets, Obama winning the election, and my own personal guilty pleasure of seeing NKOTB in concert all within a week? ::swoon::

CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on April 9 2009 @ 07:24 am: [report]

@Sophjna: The Phanatic noooes! He is the most iconic mascot in all of sports, I have a stuphphed Phanatic that I was given when I was born, so it’s almost 24 years old, phaded a bit, but still phun.

@Nefret: Boo Phlyers!!!! I am a Capitals phan there.

Nefret
wrote on April 9 2009 @ 07:51 am: [report]

@Cheese (or however many eeeee’s you have, I can’t keep track!): I do have a soft spot for the Caps, I went to college in DC and shared tickets with a group of girlfriends. But Flyers games were the best, one of the few times I’ve ever been part of a crowd where the majority was rooting for the AWAY team, haha!

CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on April 9 2009 @ 07:57 am: [report]

@Nefret: There are 8 e’s, but Cheese works fine too. I was just in DC to see a game (Last home game of the season) last weekend, and I didn’t see 1 away (Thrashers) fan (No jerseys, hats, t-shirts, anything). I can’t stand Flyers fans because they are brutal, I know it is because of the lack of championships, but still the fans are really mean.

Nefret
wrote on April 9 2009 @ 08:01 am: [report]

@Cheese: Caps/Flyers are the only games I’ve ever seen there with the away team having so many fans, probably because Caps tickets are easier to get than Flyers tickets (or were at the time I lived there, I’ve heard there’s more Caps demand nowadays). And I believe it was Phillies fans, not Flyers fans, who booed Santa Claus

CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on April 9 2009 @ 08:06 am: [report]

@Nefret: Yes, in general Philadelphia fans are very angry, did you ever hear about that J.D. Drew got batteries thrown at him. And yes, they will boo Santa, and anything that gets in their way.

John DeVore
wrote on April 9 2009 @ 08:16 am: [report]

Ahem.

Heyyy. How is everyone today? Gr-r-r-reat.

For the record, I do NOT shave my legs. That’s a typo. My fault.

To reiterate: I positively ooze testosterone, and my sinewy legs are lousy with gorilla hair.

Thank you for your attention to this matter. I love you all. So very, very much.

retro chic
wrote on April 9 2009 @ 08:32 am: [report]

Oh now, we knew you just thought the word “NOT.” That’s a cute pic, up close like that, John. It says “It’s mine… and YOU can’t take it!” Very funny article.

abbylyn
wrote on April 9 2009 @ 12:11 pm: [report]

The Phanatic = best mascot ever.

However.

The days after the world series were some of the worst since I moved to Philly. I live right off Broad St, not too far from the stadiums. My roommate and I went out to check out the celebration after the game, and went home after a few minutes because we didn’t like drunk people shooting fireworks horizontally. When I left for work the next morning, there was an empty box of shotgun ammo at the end of my street, and enough broken glass to fill too many trash cans. The day of the parade, SEPTA shut the subways down because they couldn’t handle the crowds, and I got stuck walking the two miles home from work. The amount of garbage on the sidewalks and streets that just sat there for days was insane. I’m proud of the Phillies for winning the world series, but not proud of how the city and its residents behaved in the wake.

End rant.

CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on April 9 2009 @ 12:23 pm: [report]

@abbylyn: Don’t worry, it wont happen again.

abbylyn
wrote on April 9 2009 @ 12:37 pm: [report]

@cheese - best point anyone has made on here all day.

Chelle
wrote on April 9 2009 @ 02:50 pm: [report]

Hmm, I never thought of quiche as feminine or a guilty pleasure. It is good though.

shannac02
wrote on April 10 2009 @ 06:50 am: [report]

@CheeeeEEEEse: Haha Thank you! I don’t really have a team, per se, Mostly I like going to watch the home team: OKC Redhawks, play during the summer and watching some baseball on TV. My mom and I used to go every summer to Denver and watch the Rockies play when I was young. Being from OK, its wired into my DNA to LOVE college Football! August Thru January, there is NO other sport! Yes, I’m a tomboy and love to play flag football, softball, shoot guns, and blow stuff up, almost more than I love anything else hahaha

billthecat
wrote on April 10 2009 @ 07:23 am: [report]

Nothing wrong with a soak in the tub with a rubber duck and a glass of good scotch on a Saturday night…

EastCoastMale
wrote on April 10 2009 @ 01:02 pm: [report]

I agree with you John on the quiche and the bubble baths but I would much rather perform community service picking up highway trash than watch any kind of reality show. OMG whos in an alliance? he cheated? she cheated?....I can hear the noose tying itself now lol

yukisukinomoto
wrote on April 11 2009 @ 12:28 pm: [report]

I’m so into bubble baths, but alas, my tub is hardly large enough to fit a pre-adolescent girl.

miriamele
wrote on April 12 2009 @ 03:10 pm: [report]

@MegKat Mmmm Final Fantasy and Nachos… I wanna go do that now.

MegKat
wrote on April 12 2009 @ 06:23 pm: [report]

@miriamele Haha, yeah it’s totally a pleasure.

Penthesilea
wrote on April 13 2009 @ 06:05 pm: [report]

Thank you, ever so much, for the nerd love. It’s very hard to look sexy whilst reading Aristophanes in the original Greek. And saying crap like “whilst.”

Naneenya
wrote on April 16 2009 @ 06:43 am: [report]

@John DeVore: I know your legs are not shaved. I was just being an #&@$%. Apologies.

whatevers
wrote on May 2 2009 @ 06:29 pm: [report]

I like this one. I also like bubble baths and I will kung-fu your ass if you make fun of me for it.

My other comment is, oddly enough, I was recently asked what my “guilty pleasure” was and the first thing that popped into my head was, *wha? why would I feel guilty about pleasure?*

Sampson
wrote on August 19 2009 @ 10:49 am: [report]

I am purely abashed by the shear misogyny represented by this entire “Mind of Man” segment. After reading a few articles, and seeing how it’s advertised with the not so subtle hint that men think with their Penises, I must say, it’s very daunting to believe that some people can be so disillusioned to believe that any of this is real. It is akin to believing that the women in Porno’s are real.

The concepts in this article are far off track. Yes, I am a man. Yes, I do have “guilty pleasures”. Yes, I do concern myself with what I eat because I don’t want to be fat. Yes, fitting into those size 34 jeans puts a smile across my face. No I don’t like bubble baths… Unless that special woman is with me, then I may reconsider. No I wouldn’t touch quiche with a ten foot pole.

Surprise, men may actually concern themselves with some of the things women do. (Shh don’t tell anyone…)

And for the record, I’m not gay.

CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on August 19 2009 @ 10:59 am: [report]

@Sampson: Guy or not, you sound like quite a bitchy chick…with a penis.