Mind Of Man: Go Ahead, Have Sex On The First Date
Posted by: John DeVore
Filed in:
guys
11:00AM, Thursday January 8th 2009
Go ahead and have sex on the first date if you want. If it feels good, do it. Ruin yourself. Get your rocks off. Surrender to chemistry, drink, irresponsibility. Indulge in the passion, throw caution to the wind, make a big sloppy mess of your love life. Your prince might not call you back if you rail him in the bathroom stall or after he slinks out of your apartment while you’re sleeping. If that happens, cry and wail! Just know that reports of the fragility of the human heart are greatly exaggerated.
If there were “rules to dating,” we’d all be able to follow them, like IKEA instructions (hopefully, they’d be less maddening.) If there were hard, set rules, we’d become happy instantly and move on.
There are no rules to love, romance, the quest to connect. Satiate your lust. Own your slutty behavior. Never apologize. A wise someone once said experience is never making the same mistake over and over and over. Make the mistake! Repeat after me: “I am not perfect. The only things that are perfect in the universe are cheeseburgers, snowflakes, and the moon. I am not perfect, and neither is my love life.”
I’ve never made that particular mistake, but it’s not because I’ve never tried. I’ve never made that mistake, and maybe it wouldn’t be a mistake. I’ve come close to doing it on a first date. Awesomely close. I’m not necessarily planning on doing it. It’s not on my bucket list or anything. I’d have to say that if I were to do it, that person and I would either be extremely drunk, extremely unable to keep our hands off each other, or both. If that were the case, and she never called me back, I’d be bummed. But I’m sure I’d get over it. Or not.
If there were “rules to dating,” we’d all be able to follow them, like IKEA instructions (hopefully, they’d be less maddening.) If there were hard, set rules, we’d become happy instantly and move on. But no one is guaranteed great health, a successful career, or a perfect relationship. Doesn’t that make the pursuit much more poignant, and the potential success that much more precious?
If I did, I’d imagine she’d be one of those women country songs are written about. The one that got away. The one that haunts me. Every dude has at least two of these. Sometimes they got away because we did them wrong, and sometimes because they did us wrong.
I read Amelia’s post about not giving up the goods on a first date. Good for her for trying to figure out all of this ... humanness. Do I agree with her? No. But where’s the fun in a big, ol’ coed blog about the most important thing in the history of existence if we all agree? I enjoy the daily relationship melee that goes on around these parts. We’re figuring this out together.
So have sex on the first date if it feels good. Leave regret, marriage, and any worry about the potential for tactical disadvantage until the next day. Feel crummy that he never called back? Don’t do it again. Or find solace in a classic Cinnabon, all 730 fantastic calories.
I don’t know why guys become indifferent, lose interest, fade away. It seems to me that people are too willing to settle for anything less than total or even near-total chemistry. It’s our mania to check off the box that reads, “Find A Boyfriend/Girlfriend,” on our control freak to do list. If the chemistry is there, no one will lose interest. And that goes double for whenever you decide to knock boots.
Isn’t predetermining when you should have sex, versus when it feels good, right, and dirty, tantamount to the game-playing that we all bemoan?
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Erin G
wrote on January 8 2009 @ 11:10 am: [report]
Amazing! Its not the destination, but the journey that matters.
kissmyhinE
wrote on January 8 2009 @ 11:22 am: [report]
John! You’re promoting whore-like behavior! Not that I’m complaining or anything…
Kiki T
wrote on January 8 2009 @ 11:32 am: [report]
Amen!!!!
MegKat
wrote on January 8 2009 @ 11:43 am: [report]
I tend to have the same philosophy. Maybe I have been influenced by Sex and The City, but I would like to know how a guy is in bed if I am going to have a relationship with him. If it feels right on the first date, then ok. Part of a relationship is sharing the same views and attitudes about sex. If they share it, then great. If not, it is less time I needed to waste and invest in a potential partner. My current boyfriend and I did the deed on the first date and we are approaching our 2 yr anniversary. It think it was just good proof that we have great chemistry.
EastCoastMale
wrote on January 8 2009 @ 12:57 pm: [report]
Meg
I believe your line of thinking seems very reasonable in reference to sex on the first date. I dont think its the actual act of having sex on the first date that people want to avoid, it is the having sex and then regretting it after, in my opinion. An obvious observation I know but it just seems that everyone wants to be absolutely sure they wont be scorned or cheated on by that person before they allow themselves to either open up enough or give in to the want to have sex that they already posess. It all depends on the circumstances and the person, if a married couple or long time partners look back of their first-date horizontal hokie pokie, I doubt that they regret the fact that it was simply on the first date. If you can see yourself with someone in the future and you both have feelings, chances are youll be having more sex together anyway. The whole waiting for pixies to light the candles and a unicorn to bring in sliced strawberried on its back before having sex idea is far to idealistic, in my opinion mind you =) To each their own.
sabotagekatt
wrote on January 8 2009 @ 10:34 pm: [report]
You’re soooo right!!
Linz
wrote on January 9 2009 @ 01:14 am: [report]
I understand the goal of waiting until at least the second date. I mean, really, what is one more date. However, if there are two consenting adults sitting across from each other that both really want to have sex, they should. In fact, they should do whatever they want. The only thing keeping them from doing exactly what they both want is the idea that is is somehow immoral or slutty.
All relationships end until they don’t, until you find the ‘one.’ It doesn’t matter which date you have sex on.
V for Vixen
wrote on January 9 2009 @ 08:55 am: [report]
Why does sex on the first date have to be a “mistake”? Granted, boning someone in the bathroom at a bar is not likely to encourage a second “date,” but was it really even a FIRST date in that scenario?
Sex on the first date, if it really is an honest date involving getting to know each other in ways beyond the physical, is a great way to weed out people who ONLY want sex. And if you feel a connection but he doesn’t, then you waste less time on #&@$%, which is all to the good, right?
DancerNinja
wrote on January 9 2009 @ 09:11 am: [report]
As a responsible adult, I don’t think two people should have sex until they can discuss the possible repercussions of said act. Can you discuss on a first date topics like birth control, morning after pills, abortion, and STDs? If so, great, you’re all grown up, go for it. Most of us are too shy, squeamish, or think it too “unsexy” to broach such topics. Sex is fun! Great fun! But like most things that are fun, there are possible consequences that one should openly consider.
V for Vixen
wrote on January 9 2009 @ 09:27 am: [report]
@DancerNinja Why does it have to be a whole discussion? People have one-night stands all the time with a simple exchange: “Got a condom?” “Yep.” Yes, STDs are a concern, but there are always risks, no matter how well you think you know someone.
EastCoastMale
wrote on January 9 2009 @ 10:02 am: [report]
And this is where I believe the whole idea of different people and different circumstances comes into play. If you feel squeamish or shy and need to talk things out first then more power to you, waiting a couple dates isnt the end of the world, but as Linza pointed out if two consenting adults want to have sex on the first date then great and if they really like each other and are mature then they will talk to each other shortly after most likely and arrange other activities besides sex. I have to say that I take issue when you say that “being a responsible adult” you think that two people should wait to have sex until they can discuss reprocussions, only because it insinuates to me that if you have sex on the first or second date without having an afterschool special sitdown meeting that somehow you or the other person arent responsible adults. It comes down to different strokes for different folks in my opinion, if your shy and cant approach the subject then wait 20 dates if you want and if you really like someone and they enjoy you as well, there is chemistry then have it on the first night and you can still form a genuine long lasting relationship despite what societal morays may tell us.
DidSheReallyGoThere
wrote on January 14 2009 @ 08:48 pm: [report]
I’ve been on both sides of the coin: 1. Liked “Him” so much, it was chemistry as undeniable as a mosquito buzzing in our ears at a cook-out(!) (and when that itch needed a-scratchin, it got scratched!!!) 2. Liked “Him” so much, but due to me ‘wanting him to want more than just sex with and therefore afraid if I gave it up too soon, sex would be all that happens with us’. I agree with this author. Depending on what you REALLY want out of Him and/or Life, go with the flow, and don’t be limited by societal medieval standards which label us Sluts if we are open to our Illicit Tendancies. I’ve found that alot of males will appreciate a woman who’s confident enough with herself——-and that carries a lot more weight than all else. It will lend more weight to our worth above all else. A woman who doesn’t make apologies for who she is or what she likes has more sex appeal than the Virgin Madonna——OR Madonna the pop star in her prime.
Fyndy
wrote on January 23 2009 @ 09:20 am: [report]
I’ve done it both ways. Had sex after a first date and didn’t regret it, and had sex on a second date and regretted it. I think it all comes down to what you want, who you are, and how you feel at the time. As long as you are both consenting adults, what’s the problem?
My current boyfriend and I basically moved in together on our “first date” and are still together seven months later.
Cie le vie!