Mind Of Man: Enough With The Princess Crapola Already!
Posted by: John DeVore
Filed in:
guys
9:30AM, Wednesday June 10th 2009
If I read the phrase “You’ve got to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince” on this site one more motherspelunking time, I’m going to spontaneously barf. You don’t really believe this, do you? Dudes don’t have an equivalent to this creaky, cliché trope. It’s not like you’ll ever hear one guy comfort another guy by saying “You’ve got to kiss a lot of whores before you find your Madonna. Or vice versa.”
It’s just not sexy to date a helpless princess with an aversion to peas and a bluebird fetish. Give us Sarah Connor in a black cocktail dress pumping a shotgun any day.
Men don’t want to date princesses. Maybe there are some who do, and the women who aspire to be princesses deserve the brutes. And for that matter, I sure as hell ain’t no prince, although I’d love to bring the cape back. These days, I’m just a messed up clown with a poet’s liver whispering sweet nothings to a pair of nickels in the hopes they’ll make babies so I can afford a new pair of over-sized shoes. Men do not want to be princes. Princes are born into success, men make their own. We want women who share that same ethic, however it is success is defined. It’s just not sexy to date a helpless princess with an aversion to peas and a bluebird fetish. Give us Sarah Connor in a black cocktail dress pumping a shotgun any day.
I would never claim to be a “feminist.” I have other underhanded ways to get laid than feigning allegiance to a vibrant if fractious movement that doesn’t need my feeble brain power. But when I hear perfectly intelligent and willful women console each other with fairy tale mantras that promise, with a lot of persistence, they will find a well-heeled prince to care for them, I become conspiratorial.
Maybe there really is a patriarchy, and I’ve just never been invited to their annual meet-up. It’s a testosterone-jacked cabal of dudes smoking cigars, and wearing penis hats, sitting around an oblong table in a secret silo on a peninsula plotting how to reinforce absurd, medieval wish fulfillment fantasies in women. I imagine the meeting’s minutes going something like this:
High Lord Phallus: “Next on the list: gender programming. How do we keep these modern day suffragettes from full romantic self-actualization?”
The Grand Dong: “Why don’t we fill popular cartoon movies with stories about princesses, and hope they want nothing more than to be the gilded property of a feudal dictator in pantaloons.”
Minister of Testicles: “Excellent idea. Anyone want a bratwurst?”
Let’s break down the princess myth, because so many of you have Princess Mania. Myths are lies that become truth, so it is wise to pick the best possible lies to believe in. And the lie that romance for a woman is a humiliating lottery, a game of Russian roulette where all men are slimy little amphibians, save for one, just pollutes the collective unconscious.
And if you fully dissect the frog love, really get all up in the guts of the source material behind the whole Kermit-smooching archetype, absurdity abounds. Here’s your precious fable in a nutshell:
“Once upon a time there was a princess whose sole claim to being special was having the genetic luck to have wiggled out from between the loins of a Queen. She is pampered, fawned over and entitled, treated like a cross between a Kobe heifer and a Christmas tree. There is no one around to date but royal douchebags who play grog pong all the time, and then one day she gets chatted up by a frog with a nice personality. She’s bored, and desperate, and it couldn’t be any worse than swapping spit with Sir Chinless, so she heads to first base with the amphibian. Then there’s a poof! And the frog is suddenly an inbred ponce with a crown and they live happily ever after, forever and ever, until the divorce. The end.”
In some translations of the Brothers Grimm story “The Frog Prince,” the princess lobs the frog against a wall in disgust before it turns into a prince. And in some even more obscure versions, she decapitates the thing before it magically transforms. Like most fairy tales, “The Frog Prince” is a mordant little morality tale that cautiously suggests a lady needn’t be so choosy when picking a suitor. Even the more sanitized, and Americanized, versions of “The Frog Prince” offer this moral: personality counts! Allow yourself to be charmed by a talking frog and you’ll be rewarded. But first, you should be happy with only a talking frog. In fact, you should be so lucky to kiss him.
However, this is lost on those who see dating as a lot of reptile tonsil hockey and finger-crossing, which, do not doubt, just sounds like a depressing labor. Love is an opportunity, not a prize. It should be pursued greedily, recklessly, with an adamant heart. Kiss men, and move on. Maybe one day you’ll kiss a guy and he’ll turn into a guy who’ll march through tornadoes to get you tampons, admit when he’s wrong, and eat ice cream naked in bed with you. The point is: give regular people you date the chance to be extraordinary without the maudlin fairy tale expectation. The favor will be returned.
Lastly, ladies: if you’re heartbroken, grow a pair of ladyballs. Buck up, listen to some Patsy Cline, and toss back nice stiff shot of bourbon. Then try out this Snapple cap bon mot: “Men. Can’t live with ‘em, good thing they’ll keep making more.”
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CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on June 10 2009 @ 10:03 am: [report]
Sign me up for Sarah Connor in a cocktail dress pumping a shotgun.
vanillalatte
wrote on June 10 2009 @ 10:08 am: [report]
“grow a pair of ladyballs. Buck up, listen to some Patsy Cline, and toss back nice stiff shot of bourbon. Then try out this Snapple cap bon mot: “Men. Can’t live with ‘em, good thing they’ll keep making more.”
i do this. i love me some patsy cline.
EastCoastMale
wrote on June 10 2009 @ 10:09 am: [report]
I find the whole princess persona to be a mild manifestation of narcissism. I think less of us need to apply labels to ourselves and just live.
MissJennLynn
wrote on June 10 2009 @ 11:17 am: [report]
@EastCoastMale: I agree!
@John DeVore: Brava, I think women need to stop putting themselves in the roles of princesses and victims. Also, feminism means that you believe men and women are equal. So hopefully, you have a lil bit of feminism in there somewhere??
Molly Jean
wrote on June 10 2009 @ 12:01 pm: [report]
Oh, you are so very wrong about this one. I think the whole story was created to teach girls to be slightly discriminating. It teaches them not to hold out for a prince, but to not settle for losers. Hopefully, a girl can weed through the jerks to find a man who is upstanding & honorable, who loves her, & who wants to treat her beautifully. Old fashion, yes, but I don’t care. I have seen way too many girlfriends settle for jerks who treat them badly, I guess. I don’t want a crown or a castle or a horse, but a honorable man, you know?
shannac02
wrote on June 10 2009 @ 12:09 pm: [report]
Instead of a shotgun, I have Glock 9mm… Does that count???
I’m sooooo sick of girls trying to put out the persona of being a “princess” when really all they are is spoiled… If a man TREATS you like a princess then that’s great, but if you have the attitude and entitlement of a princess, then that’s not so great. Be yourself, if they like you, they like you, if they don’t, Eff ‘em. Just my 2 centavos.
Angeline0
wrote on June 10 2009 @ 12:23 pm: [report]
I think you might be taking this, admittedly, well-worn phrase a little too literally. When I use it (or words to a similar effect) with a girlfriend who just went through a particularly nasty ordeal with a member of the male population, what I mean is “buck up, there’s a great guy out there for you.” I don’t mean an actual prince, that would be pretty ridiculous. For me and my friends at least, prince is more metaphorical; it’s understood to mean a guy who will respect you, who will share in your interests, who is totally compatible with you. Is it fantasy? Yes, partly. But when you’re at a particularly low point because of a guy a reasonable dose of fantasy helps keep you going. The same goes for the whole princess bit. Yes, there are women who want to be treated like actual princess, but in defense of my sex I have to argue that they are a minority. Princess is another metaphor, a sort of catch-phrase that implies we deserve better than the asshats out there. I don’t mean to say all men are asshats, but the next time one of my girlfriends runs into one I’m going to tell her she’s a princess, and princesses deserve better.
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on June 10 2009 @ 12:29 pm: [report]
I’d like to point out that the actual princes *cough* Wales *cough* are douchebags.
Jessica Wakeman
wrote on June 10 2009 @ 12:45 pm: [report]
“I would never claim to be a “feminist.””
I can’t tell if you’re joking about this or not. If not, why do you reject the label?
Fizzy
wrote on June 10 2009 @ 01:03 pm: [report]
“Dudes don’t have an equivalent to this creaky, cliché trope.”
Yes, they do, although it is admittedly not as popular. It’s “You’ve got to slay a lot of dragons before you find your princess.” Research, my friend, is a good thing.
Mainer
wrote on June 10 2009 @ 02:41 pm: [report]
@ Arty - agreed, there is that one to apply to guys. But I think the point DeVore was making is that guys don’t use them. I don’t think you’ll *ever* hear a guy tell another guy, “dude, you gotta slay some dragons before you get that princess, man.” If you did, it would immediately be followed by roaring laughter, punches to the arm, ridicule for years to come, and the terminal label of being a “pussy.”
Guys are more likely to use “plenty of fish in the sea,” which Angeline should not take as meaning we should go fishing.
sam04
wrote on June 10 2009 @ 03:19 pm: [report]
I don’t walk around thinking that the majority of men are jerks and that there’ll be one shining star amongst them. I think the majority of guys are decent human beings, just not necessarily compatible with me.
monroe
wrote on June 10 2009 @ 09:29 pm: [report]
for god sake most women say princess as a metopher.
If you go through breakups, cheating, letdowns ya hes not your prince, he has not treated you the way you deserved. So some women call it treated like a princess, they do not mean high mainteance or they are royalty.
Its just a girly way of saying i believe i deserve better ya he treated me bad. .i guess hes not worth my time.
That they deserve to be treated with respect and love. .princess.
MegKat
wrote on June 11 2009 @ 03:52 pm: [report]
A phrase that bothers me is “your other half,” which I take to mean, you are not a whole person unless someone else loves you. Or you need another person to be complete, because you are not enough on your own.
littlemissr19
wrote on June 11 2009 @ 03:57 pm: [report]
Make the cocktail dress purple and I’m all for it. The only thing I like about the princess idea is pretty dresses and shoes, which I can provide for myself, thank you. I despise the thought of being helpless and am actually more likely to chase guys who don’t know how to repair a furnace so I can do it for them and be the hero. Not really, but most of my exes couldn’t change a drillbit if their life depended on it, so I always came out looking like Miss Fix-it.
Dave The Rave
wrote on June 11 2009 @ 04:14 pm: [report]
The kissing frogs is good for telling little “Maid Marion’s” when they are just starting to read, but not when they are getting to the dating age. Me, I consider myself a ‘Joe Average’, although some women do describe me as handsome. I always give them a look and go - “Speak English?! I’m not sure I heard you right.” That makes us both laugh. I prefer to hera that I am good-looking.
Funny, if a woman kisses a lot of guys, if she’s not called a whore, then what were these old fairy tale writers called? Tramps and pimps? LOL. Women, if you are willing to accept us guys for who and what we are instead of putting us on a pedastal or being overly judgmental of every quirk, we will try to do the same with you. “Can’t we all just get along?”
sunrise
wrote on June 11 2009 @ 09:49 pm: [report]
one thing i’d like to point out is that a lot of parents raise their little girls to be princesses… they buy them all sorts of pink and purply frilly things, tiaras and whatnot, then the girls grow up with that as an ideal.
interestingly, my (hippie) parents went in the other direction: my said she refused to dress me in anything pink, and they HATED buying me barbies… although i like them anyway, and bought them with my allowance.
but anywho, i like the article and agree with it!
muzician
wrote on June 12 2009 @ 12:46 am: [report]
As a teenager with a so far (sadly) nonexistent dating life, I find these articles to be first of all hilarious and quite interesting to read! Love the witty writing style and am mentally writing down the great advice for future references. =)
So Thank you, John DeVore!
P.S. “Maybe one day you’ll kiss a guy and he’ll turn into a guy who’ll march through tornadoes to get you tampons, admit when he’s wrong, and eat ice cream naked in bed with you.” Amazing.
erikasf
wrote on June 13 2009 @ 11:00 am: [report]
“You have to kiss a lot of frogs…” Darn. I thought I made that phrase up! Seriously. When I use it, it has nothing to do with any princess complex at all, but rather finding a man who makes you happy. I feel I DO know something about this, since I am happily married. Saying you have to kiss a lot of frogs is simply another way of saying there are other fish in the sea. Certainly, men can understand, and even relate to, the concept of dating being a numbers game? I never wanted diamonds and furs. What I want is what I have: a husband who treats me with love and respect and appreciates getting the same from me.
Taurwen
wrote on June 13 2009 @ 06:04 pm: [report]
I know plenty of girls who play the princess card literally, I really don’t think you can say they aren’t out there.
Elleohelle
wrote on June 14 2009 @ 04:25 am: [report]
Why is naked, bedridden dessert eating only for dreams? What’s not to like about it? Much as I enjoyed this article, and I did, it was clever and insightful, I refuse to believe that eating ice cream in bed- possibly off someone- is a fairytale dream, or at the same level of discomfort for men as picking up embarrassing supplies in terrible weather.
theothergyllenhaal
wrote on June 16 2009 @ 12:16 pm: [report]
“These days, I’m just a messed up clown with a poet’s liver whispering sweet nothings to a pair of nickels in the hopes they’ll make babies so I can afford a new pair of over-sized shoes.”
Some people like their cucumbers pickled.
helene
wrote on June 17 2009 @ 10:40 am: [report]
John DeVore, you crack me up. Are you accepting nominations for High Lord Phallus? ‘Cause I have a few guys in mind…
In my own experiences with princess fascination as a child, and as the mom of two girls, I’d like to weigh in on this topic.
There’s no denying it can come with the territory of being a little girl, re: shoes and clothes. Even little girls love to dress pretty and to be treated special. I myself had a fanatical devotion to Cinderella (the Disneyfied version, not the starved, neglected, mentally abused waif of the Brothers Grimm), but once I got bored with her, it was back outside to catch bugs. You see, just because you are exposed as a child to the corporate, commercial presentation of what a princess is like, doesn’t mean you have to fall for it. My own girls are examples of this concept. My teenager follows literary princesses avidly, but only the ones who are wise beyond their years and can rescue not only themselves, but the princes too, using little more than their wits. My six-year-old? The last time she played princess, I observed her tucking up her crinolines, rolling up her gilded sleeves, and dashing in her glass slippers to the rescue of another princess.
Keep in mind, though, when these outlandish princess stories were first conceived, it was a different time. Women were property and had no chance to better themselves unless it was to marry above their social class. Many had no better option than to kiss a frog; in other words, marry some inbred loser with a title in the hopes he would surprise everyone by turning into a “prince” or a decent guy. Don’t guys magically become better men after being exposed to our open thighs, ladies?
Nah, you’re right. It didn’t work for me either. It was fun trying, though. My husband isn’t a prince, but he’s a keeper in any estimation, partly because he would just laugh at me if I tried to play the princess card on him.
kalibrooke
wrote on June 18 2009 @ 08:51 am: [report]
@eastcoastmale well said.
while i believe that your significant other should think you are the greatest thing to ever walk the earth, it should be balanced with a hefty dose of reality. it’s seriously not healthy to want to be waited on hand and foot and have things handed to you… on your wedding day (are you hearing me, you crazy bridezillas??) or in real life.
kalibrooke
wrote on June 18 2009 @ 08:54 am: [report]
this post also makes me laugh because my hubby knows that this is the only word that will really piss me off…
taalibba
wrote on June 26 2009 @ 09:45 pm: [report]
John, you rock for writing this and I must say with your adamant views on not pigeon holing men or women, you do seem to be a feminist. Or at least a great ally.
I must say that part of the princess obsession doesn’t bother me as much as little girls being constantly told they should want to be one and can be if their parents by every pink rhinestoned marabou thing on the market. I don’t remember being told I could be a princess when I was a little girl, I was too busy pretending to be a horse (no merchandise required).
That being said, the wedding industry needs to dail the whole nauseating “every girl wants to a princess on her wedding day” thing waaaay back.
Dave The Rave
wrote on June 27 2009 @ 02:29 am: [report]
When I was a kid - EONS ago - the girls were told how wonderful their life would be if they were all dainty and the guys were to be the strong, virile kinds tha swept them off their feet. Or, that if a guy is handsome and sure of himself or the most ‘built’ guy that he will ALWAYS get the most beautiful woman he ever dreamed of. I wasn’t the best-looking or built guy in the classes I was in, but the girls came to me more than the ‘hunks’ because I was ‘realistic’. Always something! Plus, we can blame Walt Disney’s remake of classic fairy tales and all the other movies where the woman is always swept away and they live happily ever after! WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!
Julesagain
wrote on July 6 2009 @ 11:14 am: [report]
The idea that there is something corrupt about only telling the story up to the “they married and lived happily ever after” is a little hard on those who are after all, just storytellers. Finding someone compatible is the biggest mystery and crap shoot adventure most of us will ever undertake. Yes, the part after the wedding is when the real story begins, when the work of keeping it fresh and alive and contented really happens, but watching that process doesn’t make for good cinema. Most of those old stories were moralistic lessons as originally written - maybe they figured if you’d taken all those lessons to heart, the happily ever after would naturally follow, and to a certain extent, they’re right.
Those of you who haven’t come across the “Princess” schtick are lucky indeed. Yes, they most certainly are out there, but it isn’t the fault of Disney or the wedding industry. It is simply a character flaw in those who display it - selfish and spoiled with an entitlement attitude. I’m sure there is a male counterpart, but I don’t think men who are self-aware enough to realize they *are* that way would go so far as to proudly self-identify as such.
And unfair as it might be and as odd as the pairing of princesses with feminism might seem, this mulish insistence on total 100% bliss and thrills is one of the reasons for the backlash against feminists, and one of the reasons people hesitate to label themselves as such. The idea that if you aren’t completely thrilled and catered to and surprised with expensive sparklies and romantic little gestures and constant mind-blowing orgasms at every turn somehow mutated out of the genuine need for more respect and choice and freedom in women’s lives.
Constantly taking your happiness temperature and coming up lacking based on some inflated ideal, and ditching whoever is currently not measuring up, has led to a lot of misery and heartbreak. Life isn’t one blissful moment after another, and it is the height of childish brattiness to not only expect it, but to expect someone else to make it happen for you.
“Maybe one day you’ll kiss a guy and he’ll turn into a guy who’ll march through tornadoes to get you tampons ...”
Mr. DeVore, that is hilarious.
“I don’t remember being told I could be a princess when I was a little girl, I was too busy pretending to be a horse”
Taalibba, that made me laugh out loud. Probably because it sounds awfully familiar!
onewriter
wrote on July 8 2009 @ 09:29 am: [report]
I too was not into prissy and dainty and those that were made me sick. I’m in a wonderful relationship where my man treats me very well with much care and respect and he enjoys that I like to help by hauling the wood he saws and chops. We have fun making meals together-he’s woefully ignorant of more than the basics! and we enjoy quiet time together too where he makes me feel beautiful. Isn’t that what it’s all about? Ultimately?
Black Iris
wrote on July 28 2009 @ 07:54 pm: [report]
I laughed my head off reading this, especially the phallic conspiracy. However, I think you haven’t been keeping up with the modern princess literature for girls. They’re much more likely to be saving the princes nowadays.
Watching little girls, I think wanting to be a princess is not just about being pretty. It’s about wanting to rich and powerful. Not really worse than wanting to be a superhero. And when they play, many girls will be princesses with swords, etc.
As for the saying (you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince), I still like it. It makes fun of fairy tales and the basic premise is that you’re going to have to date some guys who aren’t so great to find the one for you. Why not hold out for a great guy?
Guys don’t have any comparable slogan because they won’t admit to each other that they’re looking for love. So they say brilliant things like “the girls all get prettier at closing time.”
Countess Mariska
wrote on August 7 2009 @ 07:14 am: [report]
HAHA! Well, whether or not I think the author got the point exactly, the fact remains that this may be the funniest and best-written piece I’ve read on this site. Cheers!
Davy.Biggie
wrote on August 11 2009 @ 04:00 pm: [report]
It’s true we don’t want a broken princess and I can guarantee you women don’t want a broken prince. I think it’s more likely the titles are wrong in where we want a Lady who can be a wench when needed just like women want a Knight who has a touch of Scoundrel in him.
Think about it though men profess to want a woman who is “a Sl*t in the bedroom and a Lady everywhere else” and women want a well mannered man who can be kind, gentle romantic and sweet but has the Bal*s to stand up to her when she’s being a whiney little child. They want a knight who can be a scoundrel but most will never admit to it.
Sofjna
wrote on August 11 2009 @ 07:50 pm: [report]
@Davy- aww, I think your decription is perfect, a knight who can be a scroundrel. That’s exactly what I want and I always admit to it.
HangingWithMyGnomies
wrote on August 27 2009 @ 06:58 pm: [report]
I don’t think women should ever have a sense of entitlement to anything. I am a woman and since my best friend was a boy growing up. I was kind of a tomboy at a young phase in my life too so I tend to understand how my male friends think far better than how my female friends. I find most men (with the exception of sociapaths and psychos, of course) to be pretty fair and just.
He will treat you like a lady, if you ARE a lady… that is, you behave like a lady.
Princess and Lady are very different things. Ladies are polite and humble. Princesses are stuck up narcissists.
Wractor
wrote on August 29 2009 @ 10:20 pm: [report]
I like the article except that the guy has overwritten the hell out of it. But the premise is true. The Cinderella Complex has got to go, there’s no place for it in 2009. But it WON’T go (quietly), since the majority of paperback sales are from (surprise!) romance novels, which might not have an actual ‘prince’, but a male ‘lead’ who’s powerful and wealthy.
(I’m waiting for the Harlequin Romance entitled THE HARDWORKING ACCOUNTANT WHO DIDN’T HAVE HUGE GLEAMING PECTORALS BUT TOOK CARE OF THE KIDS WHEN I WAS SICK INSTEAD OF YELLING FOR ANOTHER BEER.)
On the flipside, guys don’t need to be Princes, but they can and should show a bit of class for women who deserve it…not the ones who think they’re entitled to it.