Mind Of Man: Dating Someone With An Incurable STD
Posted by: John DeVore
Filed in:
guys
12:00PM, Wednesday July 22nd 2009
A reader sent me an email and asked me if I would ever date someone with an incurable STD. She had recently been diagnosed with the HSV virus (that’s herpes, y’all), and wanted my answer to be honest and not “PC.” So here it is goes, my unvarnished, gut reaction to the question: No, I would not date someone with an incurable STD.
Like all things having to do with love and sex and relationships, so much depends on the timing. If we’re talking about a first date, I imagine the scenario would go something like this:
ME: “What are you going to get for a starter?”
YOU: “Nachos and I have herpes.”
ME: “Oh, look. My dead grandmother is calling me. It’s a miracle. Gotta go!”
So that’s my honest answer, and I’m a little ashamed of it. Because I should know better, considering how I spent the early ‘90s, the height of AIDS hysteria, in high school. That was a grim time, and the plague seemed nearly apocalyptic, especially since so many ignorant people told so many terrified people you could catch it from toilet seats or Broadway musicals. It remains a haunting chapter in my life, as I watched a mentor and friend slowly succumb to a Rolodex of illnesses and complications related to the disease. What a terrible, grisly way to go.
Of course, today, a fleet of powerful pharmaceuticals has rendered HIV less of a death sentence, and more of a chronic illness—for those who can afford the very expensive drugs, of course. Just know this: Even though that time period is now history, it should never be forgotten. Many wonderful people faced their death bravely, and many more hearts were ground into hamburger. The mark on my adolescent mind was indelible, and in college I signed up to be a safe-sex peer counselor.
One thing I was taught to teach was to get tested for HIV immediately if you contracted one of those minor STDs like crabs or Chlamydia. Where there’s smoke, there’s fire. I bundled all of those maladies into one sack of personal fear and neurosis and heaved it onto my back, waddling around like a finger-wagging Santa Claus, doling out condoms and borderline paranoid advice on how to have sex safely. I remember telling one college girlfriend that we should “double bag” it before sex. Which meant wearing two condoms at once. I might as well have worn a Firestone tire. In the intervening years, I’ve … lightened up.
So I should know better. And I do. Herpes is extremely common, and by practicing safe sex, and being extra careful during outbreaks, it can be an initial non-issue. Popular prescription drugs, if taken properly, can further suppress symptoms. But we’re not talking about a rational response to an inconvenient and manageable affliction. We’re talking about the stigma attached. Why is it that all of the names for STDs sound so gross? Maybe if herpes were called “the ouchies” or “tender Skittles,” it wouldn’t freak us out so much. What herpes needs is a good re-branding. “Break out! With the herpz!”
Women bear an unfair burden when it comes to STDs. I remember a considerably older degenerate at a southern dive bar taking me under his tattooed wing one night and bellowing, “You’re not a man unless you’ve had the Clap three times!” All I could think was, “Sucks if you’re stuck at two?” Granted, he was squarely from another era, and I don’t know any dude who’d be proud of catching a “social disease,” but they wouldn’t be as hard on themselves as they would a woman. Because, of course, a woman with an STD is a slut. The world is full of people who’ve had multiple sexual partners and never contracted squat. And it’s also full of people who’ve had just a couple and caught a case of bad luck. The reader who sent me her question mentioned that there were men in her life who called her a “diseased slut” or a “disgusting ho.” The big brother in me wants to offer her my foot on their throat, but chances are they’re just stupid and out of their emotional depths—clearly between the ages of 15 and 45. Here’s the thing: Those boys would have probably revealed to her their propensity for prejudice and verbal abuse sooner or later, whether she had an STD or not. Good riddance, and all the best to them in their little lives.
The beginning of love is a shovel to the face. It finds you whether you are looking or not. One moment, you’re having a quiet beer and watching a baseball game. The next moment, you’re talking about The Economist, singing Oasis, and wishing you could be keychain-sized so you could fit in her pocket. And maybe, just maybe, your orbits sync up, and gravity takes over. It’s an imperfect science. This could happen; this could not happen. It’s largely out of your control, so it’s wise not to fool yourself into thinking you have any control over it. Sometimes you have to be with someone because life is unfair like that. May we all be that unlucky. So here’s a better question: Could I love someone with a STD?
Yes.
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TOO_DOPE
wrote on July 22 2009 @ 11:33 am: [report]
I wish you were key-chain-sized, John DeVore. But I wouldnt put you in my pocket… AAAAOOOOOOH! I loves me some Mind Of Man. Love you!
bogart4017
wrote on July 22 2009 @ 12:13 pm: [report]
You can’t really help who you fall in love with right? I know a few people who are involved with incurable disease carriers. Not a thing wrong with it.
CatGoesNomNom
wrote on July 22 2009 @ 12:22 pm: [report]
@bogart4017: I totally agree. I once dated someone with herpes-once people actually take the time to learn what it actually is and does, its nothing more than an incredibly minor nuisance. I think what freaks people out is the “incurable” thing. Yeah, it never goes away, but it causes such minor symptoms. It’s not like gonorrhea or something that causes infertility. And by the way, many people have it and have no symptoms, nor will they ever have symptoms. So frankly, those of you out there who would never be with someone who had herpes, you could actually be carrying it and giving it to others. Just sayin, I would gladly date someone who had herpes or such if they were an awesome person.
Molly Jean
wrote on July 22 2009 @ 12:34 pm: [report]
This was so good. First, your words about HIV were really great. You know, I used to think Americans had come a long way since the 90s concerning HIV, but no. I used to invite people, all the time, to join me for Drag Bingo in my city to raise money for the Alliance of AIDS Services, but no one ever wanted to…I realized then that people are still scared, or whatever. It’s too bad.
On STDs, this is such a hard topic because everyone that gets them is not a whore or scumbag. When I was 18 something bad happened to me & afterward at the hospital I had to get a pregnancy test & was tested for the first time for HIV & other STDs. Luckily, I was all clear, but I never forgot that & wondered how I would feel were the tests positive, what my life would be like, & if anyone would ever love me. Anyway, I just wish there wasn’t a such a stigma surrounding STDs…people have enough issues/reasons to loathe themselves so if everyone could just get over their fears & ignorance, the world would be such a better place I think!
Shasta
wrote on July 22 2009 @ 01:23 pm: [report]
Ahh. So many points to touch upon.
@JD. So your answer is “I wouldn’t go out with anyone if I knew, but if she turned out to be my keychain girl I wouldn’t kick her to the curb.”
If I had a chronic STD I’d want to date a guy who had the same. You just know at some point in the relationship he’s going to call you a skanky whore and use it against you.
Dating with a chronic STD is easier now b/c there are niche dating sites dedicated to them. Why put up with the above scenario.
sadie
wrote on July 22 2009 @ 01:52 pm: [report]
Swearing off people with a chronic illness of any kind is pretty unrealistic. We don’t get to choose who we love. I think most people probably would be willing to suffer the minor annoyance of an STD to be with the love of their life. Plus, what CatGoesNomNom says is true, people with STDs often do not even realize they have them. HPV is extraordinarily common and oftentimes undetectable. A better policy is just to keep an open and realistic mind and use condoms.
Netty
wrote on July 22 2009 @ 02:26 pm: [report]
My boyfriend gets cold sores. He caught one from our roommates beer bottle like half a year ago. He wanted to break up with me cause he couldn’t bear the thought of “ruining my perfect mouth”. And no he it wasn’t a lame attempt to break up with me, he is just that melodramatic.
He started to get red, bumps down there. He FREAKED, thought he somehow got his cold sores on his penis. I laughed so hard, examined him and told him how unlikely that is due to the timing since his last cold sore. He was like, “I refuse to date you with herpes, if I give it to you I will never forgive myself.” I told him I love him endlessly and herpes be damned I would date him if he had elepantitis.
We go to the doctor. He had jock itch. HAHAHA. He now is more convinced I am a saint. But god, it was too funny.
Kesseire
wrote on July 22 2009 @ 02:31 pm: [report]
My best friend from college never did anything beyond kissing with a guy until she was 21 and engaged; the guy had lied about his sexual history, and she spent the next several years battling HPV-caused cervical cancer.
Yes, I would date someone with an incurable STD. But I also don’t think it’s something to hand-wave away.
Every time you enter into a relationship or have sex with someone (even a spouse) it involves numerous potential risks, ranging from innocuous to serious and likely to incredibly unlikely. Each time you have to make an evaluation as to whether the risks are worth it for you. Different people have different ways they calculate and evaluate those risks. It doesn’t make anyone “petty” or “enlightened” if they come to different decisions; they’ve just weighed the risks differently.
Lynn
wrote on July 22 2009 @ 02:42 pm: [report]
@Shasta - yikes…what kind of guys are you dating that you *expect* remarks like that?
msu.umich
wrote on July 22 2009 @ 06:10 pm: [report]
@Lynn and Shasta, I’m sure its not all guys, but so many that I’ve dated or my gfs have dated - from high school till now and I’m in my 30s - have done just that. Maybe its the STD or maybe its your “magic number,” but I’m aware of a decent number of guys who use personal information as a weapon in the disgusting way that Shasta described. Maybe women do too - I don’t know, I haven’t dated any. SO I wouldn’t necessarily expect a guy to use it against me, but I’d certainly avoid sharing that info until it was absolutely necessary (i.e., when I KNOW I’m going to sleep with him if it were an STD, or NEVER if it were the magic number)
_jsw_
wrote on July 22 2009 @ 07:47 pm: [report]
My niece married a guy who lied about having herpes. She caught it, then he left her right after they had a baby. Wonderful guy.
She assumed no one would ever want a woman who had not only a baby but also herpes.
In October, two years after the divorce was finalized, she’s marrying an amazing guy who not only doesn’t have herpes but who is also a doctor and so definitely is aware of the implications. And she was very upfront about having it, because she figured he’d leave her anyway and didn’t want to invest emotionally too much.
I’m not saying every guy is as good a guy as her fiancé, but they’re out there. As are women who’d do the same. Yes, knowing someone will almost undoubtedly give you a disease if you stay with them long enough is a bit tough at first, but then, the way I see it, you get the chance to be with an amazing person who just happens to come with something that you yourself, with just one slip-up just one time in your life, could easily have gotten yourself.
I’d definitely date someone with an STD. Would I be more cautious at first? Yes. Would I want to be more certain of my feelings before going too far? Yes. Would it stop me from dating them or falling for them? No.
However, a lust for Robert Pattinson is a dealbreaker.
writergirl
wrote on July 22 2009 @ 08:07 pm: [report]
Here’s the thing. Doesn’t hearing that the person you are dating has an incurable disease, communicable or not, give you pause before moving the relationship forward?
I don’t know one man or woman who, when faced with a partner who had an incurable disease didn’t think twice before moving forward. I think it is human nature. Self-preservation. Either physically or emotionally.
There’s nothing wrong with it.
_jsw_
wrote on July 22 2009 @ 08:17 pm: [report]
@writergirl: I agree; of course it gives one pause. My point was just that it needn’t prevent anything from developing.
I mean, it’s not like it’s a tattoo.
writergirl
wrote on July 22 2009 @ 08:22 pm: [report]
@jsw—exactly. It’s human nature.
“Do I like/love this person enough to take the risk?”
lagmsw
wrote on July 22 2009 @ 09:03 pm: [report]
I got “the herps” from my first partner and at 17 I thought it was going to kill me. I even went to an alternative high school because the boy that gave it to me called me a whore and told the whole school I had herpes. Since, I’ve been married and divorced and up front with all (5) of my subsequent partners. It’s one of the most “unfair” events of my life. Here all these girls and guys are sleeping with multiple partners (unprotected no less) and I never even had a chance. It’s difficult because disclosing this in an early relationship makes me feel like I could be rejected before anyone would even get to know me. My case is so mild that I could probably get away with not telling a partner, but I know that in the end that isn’t the right thing to do. I recently broke up with a boyfriend and in his attempt to keep me in the relationship, he reminded me how difficult it is for me to find another partner that will accept the herpes. In the end though, it isn’t life threatening and it really is just a minor skin annoyance. It’s really more of a psychological disorder than a physical one.
alphabete
wrote on July 23 2009 @ 12:49 am: [report]
@Kesseire: THANK YOU! There was another comment thread recently about telling a partner if you have VD and lots of people believed you shouldn’t have to tell if you think it will get you rejected AND you’re pretty sure you won’t share it with them. That’s all fine except it circumvents the other person’s ability to choose. And so what if they choose not to? I have a mental illness and sometimes people find it too much to handle. What can I do? Try to convince them? What for? It’s the same, I think, with VD.
For me it’s not about being dirty, or being a slut or whatever. I don’t have time to judge people with VD because it happens to people completely without their control and it must be miserable. That being said, I don’t want it to happen to me, the same as I wouldn’t wish my mental disorder on anyone else (though it’s MUCH less contagious, like 100% less). I think that people feel it’s wrong to reject someone for having VD, but then it’s equally wrong to reject someone for being too fat, not intellectually interesting enough, or not one’s type.
Asta
wrote on July 23 2009 @ 08:56 am: [report]
I think I would consider dating someone with a incurable STI (although it would have to be a pretty awesome guy for me to get over HIV- while yes it is a chronic condition now there are still so many implications about long term use of cocktail drugs, future partners, and passing it on to the fetus). I was also a sexual health peer educator in college and I had the same reaction- it really freaked me out about safe sex- something 1/2 of the people under 25 have been diagnosed with an STI and some infections are even more prevalent (there was a study of women over the age of 60 and something like 80% had a form of HPV when tested) By the way, don’t take my stats too seriously I haven’t stayed completely up-to-date on the literature nor have I taught a class in a couple years.
That being said- I will now get onto my soapbox of getting tested. I practice safe sex and tend to only have sex in monogamous committed relationships, HOWEVER, I still get tested every year as part of my annual exam- even if I’ve been with the same guy since my previous tests. To me making testing as something you just do like a pap smear- there’s less of a trust issue if you suddenly want to get tested with a recurrent partner, there’s less stress of the results if it becomes a commonality, and there’s piece of mind that you are still STI free. I’ve been fortunate enough to be able to afford this and to me it just makes sense for me. But I think others should at least consider regular testing cause all STIs can be cured or suppressed symptoms if diagnosed early!
@John Devore- the double bagging is ironic because the friction between the condoms actually is supposed to increased chances of breakage.
jstavixxxen
wrote on July 23 2009 @ 05:50 pm: [report]
I am married to someone who has herpes and takes a medication everyday to keep it under control, he has not had an outbreak since we married 3 years ago and it’s all good. I am not worried, I love him, it’s an inconvenience sure, but, to me my love outweighs anything else.
He was very upfront about it from the start, we talked about it and I shared how I felt. He did not get it sleeping around, it actually came from his ex-wife who WAS sleeping around, things happen and we deal, bottom line.
onewriter
wrote on July 24 2009 @ 12:12 pm: [report]
@netty haha yeah, and now he knows how you feel. bottom line. good move to be yourself like that. another good article. @devore I WISH you would write a column in a paper or put out a book. you are fab to read. I laugh every time as your ability to find humor in almost anything is phenom…xx
kit1811
wrote on July 24 2009 @ 09:45 pm: [report]
I was diagnosed with the big H in 2001 or so. Since then I’ve had 3 long term (!) relationships, including one engagement, and some shorter term hey-we’re-better-off-friends ones. I told each of them about it after a couple of dates when we were clearly getting on toward being crazy about each other. The only partner who ever said anything kind of mean about it was my secret-addict ex-lover, who believed that since I don’t take daily suppresive meds (not reliable, and quite costly - a tip of the hat to the pharma companies and their share holders on that one!), I didn’t care enough about him. Meanwhile, he’s HepC positive and doesn’t like condoms.
I have the statistics down cold, and in each case, when I’ve broached the subject, I explain some stuff, and offer to answer any questions. No one has ever done anything less than hold me and kiss me and breathe into my hair that it doesn’t matter, that we’ll be careful, and everything will be all right. It’s just not a drama. It just doesn’t need to be.
Maybe it’s that I’m older and dating more mature men, but the reactions some of you have recounted stun me. Who raises these #&@$%? What the?! Why are they getting laid at all? Seriously! Hear me, gals! If some jackass intimates that you are a slut (unless it’s in a safe, sane, consensual environment), kick his sorry ass to the curb. No amount of d*ck is worth that sh*t, even if it’s good d*ck.
Symian
wrote on July 24 2009 @ 10:07 pm: [report]
When I got pregnant, I realized that I could have just as easily gotten a disease or both, so I offer no judgement on people who have an STD. That being said, I now require proof that within the last three weeks you have been tested for everything. I don’t want to catch a disease because I’m horny or because I love someone, even if they’re wearing a condom and taking their medicine to control outbreaks. I realize that this still does not offer me full protection, but I can’t be intimate with someone who has and STD, the same way I can’t be intimate with someone who has the flu (and the flu goes away in most cases). We can be friends, but nothing more. I think it’s a situation where people have to discover for themselves what they are willing to risk for a roll in the hay.
CatGoesNomNom
wrote on July 25 2009 @ 08:22 am: [report]
@Symian: So you would only be friends with someone who had an STD? Or the flu? Yikes. And I don’t mean to be hateful about it, but unless you were a virgin before you got pregnant, you have a good chance of having HPV (most sexually active women carry it, some get warts from it, some get cervical cancer, and some never have symptoms). You could also have herpes and not know it, since routine STD tests don’t test for it, and many people have herpes and never have symptoms.
So you could be carrying both of these (and hence are able to give it to others) yet you refuse to consider someone who knows that they have an STD and are open and upfront about it? That’s kind of sad.
Symian
wrote on July 25 2009 @ 09:46 am: [report]
@catgoesnomnom, As regular maintenance I make sure I’m tested for everything I can be twice a year (what’s the point of getting tested if you aren’t going to get a full test run?), even during long periods of celebacy. So maybe YOU have HPV or HSV, but I know I don’t. HPV and HSV1&2 can be tested for (and I have been tested (and cleared), and even if you are just a carrier for something, it will show up during tests. I highly doubt that after ten years of constant negative tests, I’m carrying something. I’m sorry you feel that it’s sad for me to choose who I want to be with, but that’s my personal decision. You probably don’t pay my bills and you don’t have to deal with the issues have to deal with, I don’t want to compound them by being with someone who has any sort of VD. There are apparently plenty of other people in the world who have no problem having sex with someone with HSV2, HPV, HIV, AIDS, and (yuck yuck) cold-sores (HSV1), so it’s not like they’re having a lack of sexual partners, hell, that’s how these diseases are spread. I’m also not going to give backrubs to people with leprosy, does that make me horrible that I don’t want to catch it? But it’s somehow different when their genitals are in question?
In the end, I make my own decisions about who I want to be with. Some women don’t like short men, some don’t like men with long hair, I don’t like men who have VD in any of it’s forms, at least not in my bed.
belleheh
wrote on July 26 2009 @ 09:49 am: [report]
I love this site, and don’t comment much but I just wanted to say to kit1811- thanks, and, GREAT comment! Eloquently put for this subject, which I am very familiar with, so kudos to you.
John LeB
wrote on July 27 2009 @ 04:04 pm: [report]
A couple of things you should point out. If this is the FIRST outbreak of a herpes sore on your partner, then prompt treatment with any of the cyclivars, can prevent the virus from crawling up to the spinal basal ganglia and hiding out. In otherwords, you can stop it in it’s tracks, if it is the first time. After that, you’ve got it. Use both the cream and the oral doses.
If one of you has it, then Valtrex (valacyclovir) for the infected party.
Actually the thing that you should be talking about is HPV-16/18 rather than herpes. Anyone who likes oral should get the vaccine for that.. it’s one of the major causes of mouth(oral) and cervical cancer. My brother ended up with this cancer from this cause.
jennifer24
wrote on July 29 2009 @ 04:07 pm: [report]
Im really happy I actually found a good article about this. I got herpes from my boyfriend about one month into our relationship. He didnt know he had it, he was missed diagnosed by the ER because his previous girlfriend denied having it. After being in the relationship for 3 years we called things off.
Its been hard to cope with moving on because I didnt think anyone would want to be with someone who had a STD like this.
this is the best website!
_jsw_
wrote on July 29 2009 @ 04:19 pm: [report]
@jennifer24: As my niece and others have found, oftentimes an STD will simply weed out those who weren’t all that interested in you in the first place. Herpes won’t keep someone away who is really into you or who falls for you. In a way, it’s almost a plus. Telling her now-fiancé about it really made my niece feel much closer to him after he reacted well to it.
silvergurl
wrote on July 30 2009 @ 11:56 am: [report]
this hits close to home, because i got the herp on (drumroll please…) my first time. it was the scariest time in my life, not to mention the most painful. try waddling around, drip drying after you pee because you can’t wipe. just awful. but fast forward 4+ years and a handful of outbreaks later (managed by meds), i’m in a better place.
i get frightened to tell potential sexual partners i have an incurable STD because a) i feel diseased, and b) i fear their judgment. but it’s really been a blessing more than a curse; i can filter out the scumbags from the guys who really are interested in me for me, and not for just boo-tay. and i ALWAYS will tell a potential partner before even getting into bed, because that’s the fair thing to do. i wasn’t given the same benefit of the doubt, and look at what it’s done to me.
my only true sadness is that i may not be able to have a baby the “natural” way. oh well. you win some, you lose some. if i can find someone i love and who loves me, who i share a fantastic sexual and best friend chemistry with, and who will want to parent children with me (be it by birth or adoption), then i’m set. and i have every faith that it will happen…
ShesGotAWay
wrote on August 1 2009 @ 11:04 pm: [report]
Wow. This truly is the best website ever. A few years ago when I was 19, I started dating a guy that I thought was the greatest man to ever walk the Earth. He was the first and only guy I’ve ever had sex with. This guy told me that he’d only been with a few people, and being the naive girl that I was, I believed every word of it. Shortly after we had sex, he sat me down in my bedroom to break the news that the doctor said he had HPV. Grreeeattt timing on his part. We broken up a year or so later, because the HPV issue was just on the top of his mountain of lies. These last few months have been especially hard because after being diagnosed with HPV, I felt I had less to offer a potential mate. I thought to myself that if I were not in this predicament myself, I would never date someone with an STD. But getting HPV has been the most humbling thing ever. Now, I am much more understanding of people in unfortunate circumstances like my own. It can seriously happen to anyone. And I refuse to accept that HPV makes me any less of a good girlfriend. For people in situations like these, I think its most important to realize that our circumstances dont define us. We all have a lot to offer.
onelife
wrote on August 2 2009 @ 10:56 pm: [report]
Wow. You guys make it seem so easy to tell someone you have an STD. I was diagnosed a little over a year ago with HPV (I believe high and low risk, since I had an abnormal pap and ex bf had genital warts). I had never even heard of HPV until recently. We had a long on again off again relationship w/o using condoms. How stupid of me?! I don’t know who gave it to who but we both definitely have it. Although I tried to hold on to him, mostly b/c I felt as if no one else would want me, he made it apparent he doesn’t want to be with me. I have suffered thru a lot of depression since my diagnosis. Even if a person wants to be with me, I would be really hard on myself for giving it to them. Plus HPV is so confusing to me, how could I even begin to explain it to someone else. My doctors can’t even give me a straight answer. I feel like I’m at an all time low. I’m tried the std dating sites and that was a true waste of dollars. How could we blame someone for not wanting to expose themselves to an std. Let’s be realist. I don’t date b/c I don’t wanna get close w/ anyone and then have to disclose this info. It’s very painful. I had so many hopes and dreams for my love life and romantic future, that I have ruined. I want to move on but, what do I say to a guy? If he says yes, he’s taking a risk of contracting my little curse here. I hate to be the negative one but this is just how I feel. I don’t feel as hopeful as others with lifelong stds?
ShesGotAWay
wrote on August 2 2009 @ 11:26 pm: [report]
OneLife- Let me tell you, I know exactly where you’re at. Im there too. I was so scared to leave that boyfriend even though he did and still does terrible things to me. I allowed him to continue to treat me terribly because I was afraid of what leaving him would mean for me. I didnt want to face that scary situation in which I would have to tell a potential partner about my “dirty” little secret. But since breaking up with my boyfriend, Ive talked about this subject with two close guy friends and they pretty much reiterated what the man about says. Of course, at first thought, a man would say that he wouldnt want a relationship with someone with an incurable std. Naturally, before contracting HPV, youd have probably said the same thing, because youre thinking more about the disease than the person. But when someone cares about you, I mean really cares about you, the situation is nowhere near the same. Of course, this requires you to be a little more cautious and to take it a little bit slower with a new partner. Its actually kind of fortunate, although it seems more like a curse than a gift. When you meet someone this time, let them get to know you. And if they truly learn to love who you are, this HPV thing will only be a minor speedbump. Think about it… it gives you an opportunity to find someone who cares enough about you that theyd be willing to look past something like this. Those guys that I told honestly said that me telling them that didnt change their opinion of me or make them think I was gross. Because they are my friends, they genuinelly care about me and know that I bring a lot more to the table than a disease. This kind of thing can seriously happen to anybody. We were just the unfortunate ones who it did happen to. But I hate that you feel like this curses your romantic conquests. Thats just silly. You’re not dying. There are ways to that you can be safe and prevent a partner from getting this. When the day comes that theyre willing to take that chance with you, consider it a blessing that youve found someone you know whos in it for the long haul.
_jsw_
wrote on August 2 2009 @ 11:36 pm: [report]
@onelife: What you say to a guy, simply, is that you have HPV. And you tell him after the two of you have connected somewhat. It’s not something you wear on a t-shirt on the first date, and it’s not easy, but if the two of you have a chemistry, you will make it through that discussion fine - and it’ll be much worse waiting to have the discussion than it will be afterward.
I know you feel like your hopes and dreams have been dashed, but they haven’t. Re-read the comments above and others on other sites… the depression you’re feeling is perfectly normal and natural, but you’ll come to see that it’s unwarranted. Yes, having an STD is less good than not having one. But it’s not the end of anything, and it’s not something you’re alone in. It might weed out the guys who wouldn’t have been worth your while, but it won’t make your life less wonderful in the end.
For now, feeling down is part of where you’re at. But I do hope you get past that point soon, because your worry about how HPV will affect your life will affect it far more than HPV likely will, if you let it. And, for what it’s worth, anti-viral research is coming along nicely, and HPV might very well not be the life sentence you see it as being right now.
_jsw_
wrote on August 2 2009 @ 11:45 pm: [report]
@ShesGotAWay: Wow. That was an amazing comment. I wanted to reply but my effort just… didn’t even come close to yours. Thank you.
TokenMale
wrote on August 3 2009 @ 12:17 am: [report]
Public Service Announcement
Using multiple condoms increases the chance of them breaking.
CatGoesNomNom
wrote on August 3 2009 @ 07:18 pm: [report]
@onelife: I also have HPV, and I was devastated when I was diagnosed 6 years ago. The stigma comes from the statement that “HPV has no cure.” Yes, this is true, but there is no cure for the flu virus either. There are hundreds of different strains of the HPV virus (again, just like the flu) and only a few actually cause cervical cancer. While there is no cure for HPV, the body WILL actually fight it off, and some people never get any symptoms. I got a few warts, went to the doctor where I was diagnosed and had them removed. I have not had any symptoms since then, and the doctor said my body fought it off, just like we do with any other viruses. Now, you DO have to get a pap test every year to check for cervical cancer, but every woman needs to do this, HPV or not.
I know right now you feel like a diseased woman whom men will view as slutty or gross, that’s how I felt. But it’s just not true!!! Yes, you need to tell potential partners about it, and yes, at first it will be hard, but the hardest part is what goes on in your mind. Honestly, its a good way to insure you don’t rush things with someone, and if you take it slow and get to know each other, then tell them about the HPV, I PROMISE they won’t react badly. Trust me, I have NEVER had someone react with, “Oh, ew, I don’t think we can date.” Now, on the off chance that you get that reaction, that guy is someone you should run, not walk, away from!
Take some time to really learn about HPV; research it and talk to more than one doctor about it. Planned Parenthood is a great resource, or, if you have health insurance, try a clinic that specializes in women’s care. Once you see how minor and how common it really is, you will feel better! Take the time to learn not only about HPV, but about yourself. Maybe talk to a counselor as well: once you feel good about yourself, men will feel good about you too. Once you are comfortable in your own skin, and you meet a guy you really like, and take it slow, don’t wait til you’re about to have sex to have “the talk.” Have it after a fun day with each other, or when you both are relaxing and in a good mood. Don’t preface it with, “I have something really bad to tell you…” or anything like that: if you make it intimidating, it will be. You can try something like, “You know, I really think you’re awesome, and I’d like to take things a little further, but I’d like to tell you something first. I was diagnosed with HPV a year ago. Its very minor, and is an inconvenience at most, but you deserve to know about it before we sleep together. I’ll answer any questions you have about it, and am totally open about it.” That’s what’s worked for me; every time, the guy has been more curious than anything. One guy asked me, “So can you die from it?” and I laughed! The point is, once you explain what it actually is, they see how minor it is. The fear comes from ignorance about it! But make sure you really learn and educate yourself about it first.
I’m sorry for the ridiculously long post, but I know exactly how you are feeling right now, as I’ve been there before. I wish I had had someone to tell me these things, as it would have saved me lots of time spent in depression. I truly hope this helps you!
P.S. I’ve never had a guy choose not to date me after hearing about it, and I’ve never had anyone break up with me over it. Also, I’ve never had a sexual partner develop any symptoms (I had one bf choose to not use condoms even knowing about the HPV, and while he may have contracted it, he never had any symptoms). You should always use condoms anyway, and get tested regularly if you are sexually active, but so should everyone, not just those with HPV. After a while, it will seem like such a minor inconvenience to you, and you will get more comfortable telling potential partners about it, too.
Oyto
wrote on September 26 2009 @ 07:32 am: [report]
I fell in love with an incurable disease carrier. Of course she didn’t tell me about it until after she had shared her virus with me and even then she denied it until I stumbled upon proof (her medicine which she kept in her refrigerator). I should have broke it off then (but we were quite involved and I had assumed the informal role of step-dad to her two young daughters). We eventually bought a house together (white picket fence, dog, etc.) and life looked sunny. Until she decided she’d find greener pastures elsewhere (an older guy with money), so I now have a virus (not life-threatening), a chip on my shoulder, and an explanation to offer any potential love interest before things become intimate. I still have some self-esteem, but any swagger I ever had seems long gone.