Mind Of Man: Be Better In Bed
Posted by: John DeVore
Filed in:
guys
11:00AM, Thursday February 12th 2009
I have never met a woman who thought she was bad in bed. I have known plenty of women who can rattle off an impromptu, critical dissertation on the carnal failings of most men. “He didn’t get me off.” “He treated my nipples like Xbox control sticks.” “He came before his pants were off.”
No, not all women are great in bed. Is the onus on dudes to break the bedsprings? I say no. It is both of our responsibilities to be the best lay possible. There are women who kick back Cleopatra-style and dare their men to please them. Women who use men like giant, hairy vibrators, and women who are so eager to please, it can be overwhelming.
You can size up a lover by how they kiss, and even more importantly, you can become a better lover by paying attention to every greedy, electric slurp. Making out is the most underrated sexual activity, followed closely by dry humping.
(Oh, and on a side note: feathers are never sexy. Never. Neither are oils, and I’m emphasizing the plural here. One broad I dated had a shelf of scented oils and my skin crawled when she reached for them. Man was not meant to glisten and smell like lavender.)
Granted, I realize there is a difference in standards. Some men think that “good in bed” means “she has a vagina and is willing to let me put my penis inside of it.” Most guys, though, care about getting you off, and also care, deeply, that you care about getting them off.
I’m going to bring up a friend of mine who spoke to me in confidence a few weeks ago. Let’s call him… Chet. Anyway, Chet met a chick at a party, got digits, went on a few dates with her, followed the Romantic Nice Guy book, and finally, after a month or so, slept with her. For the next week, they did the deed a couple more times. He was unimpressed and therefore, despondent. She was bad in bed. She just laid there, kept her eyes closed throughout, and pulled his hair. It was mechanical. None of it really lit his fuse. According to Chet, he had brought his game. They both got off, but no fireworks, just the jaunty warble of a bugle. There is no accounting for chemistry, but he tells me that he’s a little loopy for this chick, that they both give each other ye olde sweaty palms and he’s befuddled as to why they aren’t clicking. He doesn’t know what to do.
I asked him if he she knows how he’s sexually unsatisfied. Then I told him not to tell her under any circumstance. Instead, show her. Be a man and show her what’s up. The best place to start is first base. First base is still kissing, right? Because depending on whom I ask, it’s either kissing or anal.
Good sex is about one thing and one thing only: communication. Cliché, you might say? Yeah, well your mom is cliché. And the best kind of sexual communication is the kind where you don’t actually have to talk. Unless it’s dirty talk. Really, filthy dirty talk ideally conducted when her heels are up by your ears. This is what our lower chakras crave.
Everything you need to know about being good in the sack starts with the spark that sets off the giant, cartoon drum of TNT, kissing. Smooching isn’t just the pre-game, it’s pure, insider information. You can size up a lover by how they kiss, and even more importantly, you can become a better lover by paying attention to every greedy, electric slurp. Making out is the most underrated sexual activity, followed closely by dry humping. A bad kisser is a bad kisser not because she drools, or pile drives her tongue, or smooches like she’s kissing Santa. A bad kisser is someone who doesn’t listen with their lips.
The secret to sucking face is simple: The best kissers, like the best lovers, understand body language and give and take. They are open to nonverbal communication and adapt to whether the other person likes nibbles, a darting tongue, or open, opera mouth.
I don’t think Chet is reading this. So it’s just us ladies! Here’s what I’m going to tell him: Make out with her, follow her lead a little, and show her, tenderly, how Big Daddy likes it done. Take your time. Focus all of your sexual energies into this pursuit and mix it up. Be passionate and sloppy, smoldering and delicate. From this sole activity, all things kinky flow. All the while, be attentive to the other. Kissing can tell you whether the person is a top or a bottom, whether they signify “Me Like” with a moan, or whisper, or an imperceptible twitch. What works for the mouth, works for the nipples, that little spot beneath the bellybutton, and of course, the genital organs.
This advice will make everyone a little better in bed. I want everyone to be in love and having really messy, intense sex, the kind that leaves you blushing and panting, a total wet mess with claw marks on the walls and the bed sheets balled up in a corner of the bed.
You’re welcome. All of you. So welcome.
TheFrisky.com is part of the Turner Sports and Entertainment Digital Network
bella7623
wrote on February 12 2009 @ 11:34 am: [report]
Sigh. I LOVE YOU JOHN DEVORE. I do. I dont care who knows, even Amelia can know. You have so totally hit the mark on this I am truly shocked that you are male.
saysay
wrote on February 12 2009 @ 11:41 am: [report]
Making out is my bitch lover.
MrsAbraxas
wrote on February 12 2009 @ 11:52 am: [report]
Tsk, tsk tsk on “the best kind of sexual communication is the kind where you don’t actually have to talk.” Dumb and dangerous - ladies may have women’s intuition, but that doesn’t mean that every one of us is psychic in the sack.
Verbal communication, like, you know, words and stuff, are generally rather useful in helping us know what works and what doesn’t.
Since you seem so unable to help him out, maybe Chet should ask his grandpa for advice instead? http://newlybed.blogspot.com/2009/02/tasteless-witty-instructional.html
TOO_DOPE
wrote on February 12 2009 @ 01:10 pm: [report]
I want to be on you, John DeVore.
Amelia
wrote on February 12 2009 @ 01:11 pm: [report]
Girl fight over John DeVore! I love it.
TOO_DOPE
wrote on February 12 2009 @ 01:14 pm: [report]
I fight dirty, Amelia. Spit n hair-pulling. Ya game?
crazyincarolina
wrote on February 12 2009 @ 01:44 pm: [report]
OMG, I miss smooching…and sweaty, messy sex lets be honest…so where the hell are all the guys just like you, but living in NC? BTW, this post made me read all (ok, not quite all but almost all) of your other posts…still laughing at your 25 things (and also feeling like a dork about my 25 things on FB). I too love you now, only not enough to girl fight…sorry.
TOO_DOPE
wrote on February 12 2009 @ 02:01 pm: [report]
“I too love you now, only not enough to girl fight…sorry.”
For shame! I would fight to the death for this GEM of a Man. A GEM!
Aaaand… don’t dirty girl fights usually end in girl-on-girl? HELLO! Don’t you watch Porn? Pssshh.
Amelia
wrote on February 12 2009 @ 02:06 pm: [report]
Oh hell, I’m not fighting over DeVore. He’s like my brother from another mother. I will referee however.
TOO_DOPE
wrote on February 12 2009 @ 02:14 pm: [report]
Great. We need a ref. Now alls we need is a time n place. Oh, and a kiddie pool full of lube. Who’s in?
lalaland
wrote on February 12 2009 @ 02:23 pm: [report]
Dear Mr. DeVore,
Any chance you have a brother living below the Mason Dixon line?
Thanks,
L
SeattleMama
wrote on February 12 2009 @ 02:43 pm: [report]
MrsA- while I agree that communication is important to all relationships, I do agree with John as far as communication during sex being better if it’s not a lot of chatter. SO much of what your partner likes can be determined by their body language, anyway. IMO, the time to talk about likes and dislikes is over wine with dinner, or in each others’ arms afterwards… or hey, even while washing the dishes together… not in the act itself. YMMV.
MrsAbraxas
wrote on February 12 2009 @ 03:10 pm: [report]
True, true on toning down the color commentary during the act is totally sensical, but avoiding verbal communication altogether is, well, a recipe for mutual dissatisfaction.
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on February 12 2009 @ 05:53 pm: [report]
As a guy I can empathize where he is coming from, so this gives me some pointers by reverse-engineering his thoughts. Thanks John!
@Too_Dope As a pornography connoisseur (I won chocolate covered sunflower seeds, which I got today btw) I would suggest Ultimate Surrender or one of the other 25 or so wrestling (Read cat fight) websites. Ult. Surrender even has league rankings, only downside is the referee is a dude.
SeattleMama
wrote on February 12 2009 @ 06:16 pm: [report]
MrsA- Agreed on that… if your lover isn’t picking up on your cues, you do have to tell them what you need! And if they still don’t get it, dump them so you can upgrade to one that really DOES want to please you
MoonBabye
wrote on February 12 2009 @ 07:05 pm: [report]
I want in on this fight. As a participant, of course. I feel better knowing that I’m not the only one who revers kissing. It feels so much more personal, like another portal to the soul. I’m one-uping the fight and throwing down the gauntlet now. Marry me, Mr. DeVore and there will be nothing but sweaty balled up sheets and ruined wallpaper. :-p
FunSexyLady
wrote on February 12 2009 @ 08:34 pm: [report]
I couldn’t agree more about sizing up a potential lover based on their kissing style. When you kiss someone and each move is felt throughout your body and makes your brain feel like it’s filled with ginger ale, the synchronicity of the tongues, one hand in his hair the other on his back, one of his hands on your back and the other on your ass, the smell of each other, rubbing noses while seriously making out…wow! And, dry humping, hell yeah!
Dmun
wrote on February 13 2009 @ 11:50 am: [report]
Boy am I glad to be a good kisser.
irish
wrote on February 13 2009 @ 02:26 pm: [report]
Great stuff.
I thoroughly enjoy reading all that you all write.
D-mann
wrote on February 13 2009 @ 07:18 pm: [report]
You know this is a understated sentiment. Prior to marriage I was very active, and I can tell you most women are bad in bed. Men just dont say anything becuase they would rather have bad sex and cum and not risk complaining and jacking off. Women always say how they please themselves if he isnt good in bed. Ask a guy how many times he masturbates if he’s honest it will blow your mind do you think he’s masturbating becuase he’s satisfied. If the sex is really good he won’t touch it. Just becuase he came that does not mean you were good. Just like because you take a crap on the toilet that does not mean the food was good it’s just a response basically cause and effect. So ladies stop thinking you have a cape with an S on it hanging out of yor vagina, becuase for most of you it’s no different than a moist palm. Women should stop approaching it as I wonder if he can satisfy me and laying there daring him to prove he is good. Instead approach it with the idea I am going to make him climax so hard he won’t be able to think straight without me. I am not going to lie I have my off nights but I more than make up for it. She knows that she is the blood in my veins and I can’t even imagine a day without her, I still get those first sex butterflies in my stomach after 14 years of marriage and I have the sexual experience to know good from bad. She genuinely wants to please me in every way. So you know what she gets that in return. Not just because she wants it in return but she realy wants me satisfied in all ways. My wife tells me that as fine as I am I am too much of a catch (check profile) that she wants me to be blind to any woman when I walk out the house. I must admit she doing an awesome job. I love this woman sooo much and she means so much to me that if she is not happy I am not happy not meaning that she will make my life difficult but when she is cut I bleed. So ladies if you wonder why he rathe watch footbal (sports) or hang out with guys instead of being with you ask yourself why.
EastCoastMale
wrote on February 17 2009 @ 02:56 pm: [report]
I have been away from the site for a while but I wanted to say that I do agree strongly that communication is key, however cliche it may be. I love nothing more than passionate, rough (not all the time) and intense sex but some of the other descriptives ( I wont revisit) I dont find that appealing, just my personal choice mind you. It is a crock that men are supposed to somehow prove themselves by this measure and if the earth doesnt shake and dishes rattle off the walls then it wasnt good enough. The whole “he couldnt get me off comment”, I want to ask…did you sit there like a teacher knowing all the answers and not charing or helping in any way and just expect it? or actually communicate and voice what you want in a way that wasnt barking out orders. I have a feeling if it was the latter then the complaining woman wouldnt feel this way as much. two snaps
irish
wrote on February 17 2009 @ 03:49 pm: [report]
The reference to women as ‘Broads’ and ‘...met a chick’ in JD’s ‘article’ is a negative, at least to me.
Just words I know, but ‘tells’ regardless.
gingerlove
wrote on February 21 2009 @ 07:30 pm: [report]
Kissing. unspoken communication before, during and after. I love it. he loves it. And he is great at it. Sort of a mind meld thing, only with tongue insead of 2 fingers and a thumb laid at my temple. When I kissed my man again for the first time in 27 years, it was like we’d been together all that time. Talk about being swept away. It was so intense that it started on the front porch, went into the living room and ended up on the couch. And the only words spoken were “Hi there” and “you look exactly the same”
outragesdale
wrote on February 22 2009 @ 12:29 am: [report]
The first time my fiance and I kissed, I almost threw up into his mouth. Dear God. That was a whole new brand of spastic, even for me. Thankfully that didn’t happen and we’ve been grinding on each other in elevators for years. Woot.
retro chic
wrote on February 26 2009 @ 03:16 pm: [report]
Talking and deeding are both must-haves. But chemicals rule.
I’m living proof that electricity can be harnessed without a kite and a key. True story.
Twice in my life a kiss created so much voltage, that I passed out cold. NO memory of the event, only that he lightly hello-kissed me while standing, then boom, lights out. And NO, I wasn’t drinking, I just got there! John, stop panting.
That kiss launched my first major total eclipse relationship. It forever set my future chemistry standard.
Fast-forward, second time, new guy, the kiss, also standing up. But had a warning. Light-headedness, arrhythmias, and my hearing went (stone deaf) then, yep, boom. Lights out again, but he caught me before I went down. That kiss also spawned there-is-a-god sex… and our beautiful love-child!
Point being (whew): we showed each other intuitively, b/c we had good chems, so any kind of communication was easy.
As for the arcing overload? My theory: both men were the same height, we were kissing standing up, the same head-tilt angle kinked a nerve in my neck causing the blackouts. My doctor said it was possible. He may have winked too.
Sorry for the long post! Anyone else live the hot, sweaty, sweet heaven that begins with a kiss?
PinkyDoodle
wrote on March 2 2009 @ 10:05 pm: [report]
~~John said: This advice will make everyone a little better in bed. I want everyone to be in love and having really messy, intense sex, the kind that leaves you blushing and panting, a total wet mess with claw marks on the walls and the bed sheets balled up in a corner of the bed. ~~
I’m totally new to this forum/board/conversation, but it couldn’t have plopped into my lap at a better time. Short and sweet: after a longer than I care to describe drought, I have two lovers now, and both are just earth-moving kissers. With them, it’s like call and response. And the sex? John and I wished the same for me and them…and there’s nothing like ball-the-sheets-up sex. I so agree that the first kiss is the most crucial too, Cy.
Lastly…how can I get in on this girl fight for John? What a great insight you have, and tremendous advice!! Thanks.
silvergurl
wrote on July 6 2009 @ 11:32 am: [report]
oh, john devore. you made me wanna register for thefrisky, even though i lurk here every day. if i wasn’t already seeing someone equally as quirky and sexy as you, i’d tell you to hop aboard this sex-train! i do love me some sexytime.
thank you. for making me giggle.
sweetaspie
wrote on September 24 2009 @ 10:28 pm: [report]
I did a search on how to be better in bed because I absolutely ADORE my new, sweet, sexy gentleman. It was such a relief to hear that kissing is very telling. My favorite early moment was making out with him and whispering that we were making out like teenagers and he replied, “isn’t it great?”
and it was great.
All’s been fine since, but I just wanted to make sure that I please him without asking him in a pathetic, needy, kind of way. This article was great help.