When Do We Get To Meet Our Husbands?
Posted by: DivineCaroline.com
Filed in:
relationships
4:00PM, Thursday February 19th 2009
I have been to many social outings lately, from the Sundance Film Festival to parties in Vegas, and I keep hearing women talking about wanting to meet their husbands. Really? Are you sure? Why not write a book or take up guitar lessons or go dance by yourself?
“Maybe I’ll meet my husband here. I’m so sick of not having a car,” I heard one woman say. Does that mean you’re going to meet a guy and he’s going to buy you a car and marry you? What is this obsession with marriage? Are you nuts?
Don’t get me wrong, I love men and I love my ex-boyfriends and ex-husbands, too. I agree with Charlotte Kasl, who wrote Women, Sex, and Addiction, when she says that your sex life is astronomically better in a committed relationship. (You can hear her talking to me about it on the third episode of “Stirring Up Trouble”) But I think it is tremendously sad that so many women anchor all of their happiness onto whether they get a guy or not. Why don’t you make your own money, start your own business, and buy your own car? I think it’s rude to place all of that responsibility on men. Why not nurture a strong relationship—an out-of-this-world sex life? Why not be a whole person and have a relationship with another whole person? That’s a hell of a good time!
I have met many women who only wanted to marry for money. That was their goal and they stood by it and they got it. Now those women are in the jailhouse of an unhappy, sexless marriage—but they drive fancy cars and have very heavy diamond rings and they are miserable. What’s more important, your freedom or a diamond ring? Do you know how many people died to get you that diamond?
I’m guilty of the desire for a man, too. I’m speaking from experience. I used to have sex just to get a hug. I lost my virginity when I was fourteen on Father’s Day—barf—just to be accepted. I got married because I was asked and I had the self-esteem of a peanut. My father taught me that I was nothing without the acceptance of a guy. Well, ladies, many of us got the wrong textbook during our early life lessons, and many of us were raised by wolves. You have to re-parent yourself and grow up.
Women have got to step up and take responsibility for their own lives. Getting a guy doesn’t make you whole. If you’re not complete and happy you will drive that poor man crazy with your neediness. The Catch-22 in that is that then you become a whole person who doesn’t need a guy just to have one; it makes you much more desirable. I also know this from experience. I’m single and I love it. I prefer being by myself and I certainly do not need or want a guy just to have one. That’s a big waste of time, money, and energy. The funny thing is that getting to that place revealed an entirely new species of men to me who are also whole humans and not a gaping hole of lack and need for a woman. I would not have even seen any of these good guys back in the day when I was unconscious and buying into the lie that you are nothing without a guy. Now I see them. There are many good men out there—so many! Thank you to all of you good men! Sorry that so many of us women are so nuts. If you only knew the story of why …
Now it’s more like, are these men worthy of me, instead of am I worthy of them? To quote Angela Shelton in Virginia, “I now know I am great and I love myself and I’d rather be by myself for the rest of my life than put up with bull ever again.”
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Tarvold
wrote on February 19 2009 @ 05:45 pm: [report]
*standing ovation*
joyy
wrote on February 19 2009 @ 06:01 pm: [report]
bravo
heathabee
wrote on February 19 2009 @ 06:29 pm: [report]
this is a concept that many women claim to grasp, yet they have a month or less in between serious relationships.
I feel that you can’t be with someone until you can live alone, being in a relationship should never be the key that makes you feel complete. Until you can feel whole all by yourself, you shouldn’t even approach the idea of a relationship-not just for your own sake, but for his.
crazyincarolina
wrote on February 19 2009 @ 06:38 pm: [report]
Awesome! Great article!
EarthGoddess
wrote on February 19 2009 @ 10:00 pm: [report]
I honestly can’t imagine life without my husband. We have our issues, as all couples do, but we’re essential to the other one. We’re like 1 person in 2 bodies. I have never been without a partner since began dating at 14, and I can’t fathom the idea of living alone. I don’t feel “jailed” in my marriage, and I definitely didn’t marry for money - we don’t have a whole lot of that most of the time. I married him because I want to share every moment of my life with him until we’re both old, gray(er) and wrinkled. It’s a beautiful journey!
keightee
wrote on February 20 2009 @ 08:48 am: [report]
Great article! I am only 23 and already my friends seem to be competing to see who gets married first. Right now I am in the best relationship I’ve ever been in, but I don’t feel like I need to get married. Sure, someday I look forward to a wedding, but if we’re already crazy about each other then what is the rush?
Thanks for a refreshing read.
stacey nguyen
wrote on February 20 2009 @ 09:28 am: [report]
*sigh*
pasted
wrote on February 20 2009 @ 12:37 pm: [report]
I’m confused as to why the writer assumes her friends (and if they’re her friends then we can assume they’re equally self-possessed, capable, jet-setting, awesome, etc.)only want to find a man/get married because they “need” it in order to feel whole? Shouldn’t we have higher opinions of our friends than that? Or, heck, even if they’re not her friends, shouldn’t we be willing to at least give them the benefit of the doubt? Perhaps they have the things in life that they want - career, friends, faith, whatever - and now want to share those experiences with someone else? A husband, perhaps.
ashleyattacks
wrote on February 20 2009 @ 05:33 pm: [report]
I needed that.
boopsy
wrote on February 20 2009 @ 06:29 pm: [report]
Finally, someone that understands true happiness! I use to be the girl that wanted to get married by 23, kids by 25, blah blah blah. And now, after a few less than desirable relationships, I’ve come to the realization that the only person that I need to make me happy is me. I have the type of friends, just as everyone does, that hop from one guy/girl to another just because they refuse to be alone. They are constantly trying to set me up with any and everyone because “I’m too pretty to not have a boyfriend”. I wish every guy and girl had to read this article each and every day from the time they could read so we could stop stressing about who’s going to be our next significant other and focus on our own goals and desires. Yes, it’s nice to have someone to share everything with but value yourself enough not to settle just so you have that. Being happy is a personal choice that we make each day, not something that depends on how someone feels about us. Fantastic article!
Trishkabob
wrote on February 20 2009 @ 06:50 pm: [report]
BRAVO!! it reminds me of jessica simpsons song “I belong to me”
rafcity01
wrote on February 21 2009 @ 03:02 am: [report]
BRAVO!! To this article it is fascinating
I just can’t help it but I had to made a comments
I am 23yrs old graduate student and I have many offers for relationships and marriage and what not but I know so much of who I am psychologically, mentally, emotionally and mentally that I can truly say I don’t need a female in my life in order for me to feel whole. If I happen to meet a female who is worthy of my time I shall give her the benefit of doubt and offer her all I have learn and know about love with 100% commitment. But as it is I have so much career aspiration to just settle for anything that comes my way saying “she needs to have me in her life” what a turn-off. So I believe with the article I think the biggest thing that attracts me the most is a strong independent, strong minded, highly opinionated woman who can take care of herself and handle her business yet be there to support me and vice versa if we need that added support from each other. Now that makes having a relationship fun and exciting.
Women that feels the need to have a man, or rush to make a man commit expose themselves to potential dangerous and sometimes very controlling and manipulative men. Because they know you need them there and they can walk all over you and you wont do #&@$% about it but stay and kiss their butt!!
So being whole and authentic to yourself makes you very desirable by a man and vice versa.
Millie
wrote on February 21 2009 @ 08:12 am: [report]
I’M SO HAPPY YOU WROTE THIS!!!
I’m doing a study abroad program in Israel right now, and I can count at least a dozen girls I’ve met who are here because they’re hoping to meet a nice Jewish boy they can marry. P.S. we are all TWENTY YEARS OLD. It drives me freaking insane. These girls are flying halfway around the world in the hopes of meeting someone with bad hair and social awkwardness who fits into their desired ethnic/social category and who has enough money to support obsession with designer brands. The opportunities we have here for travel, learning, and new experiences are secondary to their desire to be married immediately after college. It makes me feel both sad and angry at them. Sigh.
Fast Eddie
wrote on February 21 2009 @ 09:56 am: [report]
Peoples tastes are varied, but I can’t imagine even going with a woman who NEEDED to be in a relationship let alone marrying one. Frankly I wouldn’t want that have to carry that big a load. Our marriage is a partnership. We’ve shared everything from bread winning to housework. Not that it’s always even or satisfying but it works for us. It isn’t the good times that binds us, the tough times when we’ve been challenged and worked through them are the glue that holds us together for 21 years and counting.
sailor_girl
wrote on February 21 2009 @ 11:51 am: [report]
I consider myself to be a happy independent woman. I have a debatable good career, a lease and car I’ve managed to pay off. At 22 I’ve accomplished more than most and have seen the world for “free” from an aircraft carrier. I have a lot of my life together but I still feel like I NEED a man. I wish this wasn’t the case..I mean how can I have such a nontraditional lifestyle but be obsessed with well becoming my grandma?
rafcity01
wrote on February 21 2009 @ 11:58 am: [report]
there is nothing wrong with wanting a man but the strategy and reasons behind your desire to have a relationship can either burden you or enhance your emotional health through a successful relationship.
skarlettgrl
wrote on February 22 2009 @ 09:35 pm: [report]
Freedom is by for more important! I love being able to do whatever/whoever/whenever I want!
rafcity01
wrote on February 22 2009 @ 11:08 pm: [report]
Well i know freedom is important i mean not to go off topic but just because you are with someone doesn’t mean you lose who you are, or your dreams in life or anything of that nature.. However, feeling the need to have a man in your life mirrors your vulnerability to men and that also goes to men as well.
about the last comments as much as i agree with your comments i also disagree not saying its wrong or right
freedom is nice but when it is abuse then its not as nice anymore. when men and women say they want the freedom to do whatever, whenever, and with whoever makes you look bad because since we are human we are prone to judging others and their actions. So literally mixing freedom with strong independence and using it to sleep with whoever and disrespect yourself also mirrors another issue in one’s life that they are trying to cover up or hide.
joyy
wrote on February 23 2009 @ 12:24 am: [report]
Not all people who enjoy their freedom do so by sleeping with anything with a pulse. Why is a marriage-free lifestyle always associated with promiscuity and irresponsibility, or even lack of meaningful relationships, for that matter?
retro chic
wrote on February 23 2009 @ 01:56 pm: [report]
It’s all about how we handle each single or married stage; growing and maturing to make us ready for the best of the next stage. I for one am now READY for marriage—-the final frontier. I’ve already traveled, had my career, the love of my life (once or twice), had my baby, a smorgasboard of romances and experiences, and the benefit of many people’s war stories. In fact, I think I’ll skip right to the second marriage… to find new shared adventures…
One Big Voice
wrote on February 23 2009 @ 07:28 pm: [report]
YES! (pumps fist in air)
Well said, DivineCaroline! Equal partnership is what I seek as well.
So many women fall for the “happily ever after” myth perpetuated in stories like Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, etc!
Fortunately, as society evolves, we seem to be rejecting these old-fashioned ideas and moving toward a more realistic view of what an “ideal” relationship is.
Stubborn
wrote on February 28 2009 @ 04:08 pm: [report]
Great article!!
It’s all about balance, people. My dad used to always say, “He/she who marries for money earns it.” I really think that’s true. Obviously there are times that we should remain single; but there is nothing wrong with a good, solid, HEALTHY relationship.
At 35 and single (never married and no kids) I, too, struggle from time to time trying to balance my romantic desires with my my own life. There is nothing wrong with wanting a lifelong companion. God made us to be with others; it is normal. What the author of the article was getting at is what I’ve also seen in society. People want to seek their happiness in others….and not themselves.
And while I would rather be alone than in a bad relationship, the pickings get more slim the more you have to offer! That said, after waiting THIS long I’m not about to jump ship and marry someone just to be married!!
Keep your chin up Sailor Girl! I feel ya! Acknowledging your truth is a huge step in the right direction!
xoxo
lilafly
wrote on March 2 2009 @ 04:16 pm: [report]
I think it’s sad that women have that “can’t wait to get married” mentality. It’s so dumb that guys have to finally “give in” and marry their girlfriend…it’s a friggin privilege to marry a beautiful woman, don’t you know! Also, how annoying is it that when a couple has been dating for say +1.5 years, the comments start pouring in “So are you gonna marry him?” “Is that the ring?! Oh, well you shouldn’t wear it on that finger.”
And the men who just assume they will get to marry us. Talking about kids/the wedding before they have even popped the question. Next time a guy tries that “you’re already mine” talk, give him the finger—the ringless one—and say “if you’re lucky, dude”
voxpulchrax
wrote on March 10 2009 @ 05:07 pm: [report]
amen to that!