Mate Poaching: Single Girls Are More Interested In Taken Men
Posted by: Catherine Strawn
Filed in:
relationships
2:30PM, Wednesday August 12th 2009
Some men skip from relationship to relationship, never once staying single, because they always have a girl waiting in the wings. We tend to hate these guys, but it might be our fault they exist. Social psychologists at Oklahoma State University published a report in the current issue of Journal of Experimental Social Psychology on “mate poaching.” Participants in their study were shown the same picture of a moderately attractive male or female, depending on their gender, and some were told the person was in a relationship. Then, participants indicated how interested they’d be in pursuing a relationship with the person in the photo.
The study found that single women were more interested in the guy when they were told he was already in a relationship. In fact, 90 percent of the women were interested in him when told he was taken, compared to 59 percent when told he was single. Men didn’t show any preference for the women as related to their relationship status, and neither did women in relationships.
“This finding indicates that single women are considerably more interested in pursuing a man who is less available to them,” reports Dr. Burkley. “This may be because a man who is attached has already shown his ability to commit and, in a sense, has been pre-screened by another woman.” Unconsciously, we’re screwing ourselves. By finding guys who are able to commit more appealing, we’re overlooking the ones who are available. Brains are useless when it comes to matters of the heart. [Synergy Group]
TheFrisky.com is part of the Turner Sports and Entertainment Digital Network
bumbler
wrote on August 12 2009 @ 01:37 pm: [report]
I wouldn’t think it would be a matter of commitment, obviously if you win him away from his girlfriend, fiancee whatever he’s not that good at commitment. I think it’s a matter of winning. Of being more desirable than the other woman. Pathetic all around.
skywalk
wrote on August 12 2009 @ 01:46 pm: [report]
I get hit on way more now that I am married (& 20lbs heavier) then I did when I was single. What’s up with that, I thought I was way cuter when I was 25 and thinner!
Squidtermz
wrote on August 12 2009 @ 01:53 pm: [report]
Agreed… I’ve gotten way more attention since being in a relationship. Its a number of things that add up. 1. Confidence. 2. Appearance, I definitley do a few things more often (like shower) since having a mate. 3. When a woman find out that your in a relationship she knows that you are either good at “something” ; ), well to-do, or a good person. It all adds up. And on the guys side. It doesnt really matter to men. And I totally understand that as well, and I don’t feel that anyone needs an explanation as to why that is. But the guys that hop around, obviously havent found the right girl yet. And the ones that latch on to guys that are already in a relationship… well, the guy already has an idea of what type of person she is.
autumn_dust
wrote on August 12 2009 @ 02:01 pm: [report]
coming from a girl… its the chase. its over once the guy starts to show serious interest.
bumbler
wrote on August 12 2009 @ 02:06 pm: [report]
Just like I said its like kids on a playground. I didn’t want that ball until she picked it up now I realize I want it instead of this identical ball that is available to me.
Riley
wrote on August 12 2009 @ 02:07 pm: [report]
Of course, these are the same women that will break up a good relationship only to realize they don’t want it. Definitely pathetic.
Sofjna
wrote on August 12 2009 @ 04:08 pm: [report]
Ugh, no. I have to disagree with this. Once a guy is taken, he’s no longer desirable. I’m not going to be the one to break up a relationship, and as bumbler said he obviously isn’t good at commitment if you can easily win him away from her.
Goldfinch86
wrote on August 12 2009 @ 04:14 pm: [report]
I have to say it makes sense. Males will be relaxed, not looking to pick up a woman, which can be annoying when a creep is hitting on you, and he is pre-screened like it said. That being said I want to emphasize why I think it’s true. Being relaxed and confident, he’s not looking to pick someone up, he’s there being him self where every he is, especially with his long term mate/spouse/girlfriend. It can make him more attractive and to the slutty woman who is willing to go that extra slut-mile to get a guy. I’m not saying it’s right to hit on them, but a little harmless flirting is okay. Asking is the fat girl with him is his girlfriend is not and is going too far.
likeOMGkbye
wrote on August 12 2009 @ 06:22 pm: [report]
I think it makes sense, as they have evidence that they can handle a relationship, know how to make a woman happy, etc. But, I know for me (when I was single) finding out a guy had a girlfriend was a deal breaker, game over, move on. It makes me sad (and pissed!) that other women dont have the same limits and respect for me (and other women in relationships). Find your own man, please and thank you.
Isabela Laval
wrote on August 12 2009 @ 07:38 pm: [report]
Just remember, don’t just crucify the poacher. Condemn the poachee as well, if the poaching was a success! It’s a two-way street.
Coral
wrote on August 12 2009 @ 08:14 pm: [report]
I think it makes sense. I have definitely felt this way, but I never try to take a girl away from a guy—and I most certainly would never be involved with a guy who is in a relationship.
thickasawhaleomelette
wrote on August 12 2009 @ 10:49 pm: [report]
I’m really curious about how this study defined “interested,” and think it can completely alter the conclusions. Finding out that a man who has been flirting with me is in a relationship is a total turn off, but in a clinic looking at photos men who display evidence of having committed relationships are more likely to be the type of guy I’d report being interested in.
jackofhearts
wrote on August 13 2009 @ 03:31 am: [report]
@Isabel Laval
I completely agree with you.
The whole ‘who to blame in a cheating scenario’ is one I can’t make my mind up on at all but I do think the person who cheated (rather than the person who was cheated with, as it were) should take more responsibility. Just because a hot man/woman comes on to you doesn’t mean you have to respond.
I think it is possible to argue that if you are physically attracted to someone, and they return your interest, then it’s not your concern whether they are in a relationship or not. In other words, why is it your responsibility to caretake a third party’s relationship? And if a relationship is faltering, what’s wrong in speeding its demise if you know you could provide a happier one?
On the other hand there’s the universal moral system that pops up in every major religion and in most childhood playgrounds (‘Karma’, ‘treat others as you’d like to be treated’ etc).
I’m really torn on this issue - what does everyone else think?
bbpickles
wrote on August 13 2009 @ 06:31 am: [report]
@thickasawhale- I agree! Interested doesn’t ALWAYS mean man stealer….. It’s a curiosity thing for me. I wonder what makes him a good boyfriend or why he chose her as a girlfriend, but I would NEVER pursue anything with a “taken” man.
vaiaster
wrote on August 13 2009 @ 06:41 am: [report]
@skywalk, agreed! When I was four months from tying the knot in May, I had all kinds of men hitting on me. And I was floored (and angry) when discretion wasn’t used! Where were all the men when I was single and, more importantly, available?! Proof that it’s the thrill of the chase, not the catch, that’s what a man wants…
writergirl
wrote on August 13 2009 @ 06:51 am: [report]
A person in a relationship can only be “stolen” away from the other person if they want to be. It really is that simple.
As for whether a person helps things along or not—that’s totally up to your own personal moral radar. If your comfortable with it—that’s your business. But what goes around comes around and if you steal him from her, what’s to say another won’t steal him from you?
BlueVibe
wrote on August 13 2009 @ 09:01 am: [report]
This isn’t me at ALL.
If I were to win a taken guy away from his girl, all that would really tell me is that his head is easily turned and that he could just as well be won away from me by the next chica in line. No, thanks.
GAgirl
wrote on August 13 2009 @ 10:19 am: [report]
I have been attracted to guys that were taken in the past but would never take them from anyone…why would I want to do that?! If a guy can be taken from someone regardless of the state of his & his girlfriend/fiance/wife’s relationship who’s to say he wouldn’t be taken from me? I have no desire for a guy who can be “lured” away, to me that would be highly unattractive.
As for the women who do this…I have a girlfriend whose “type” is unavailable men, to her detriment. It has never worked out and I seriously do not know why she continues this behavior. But, for her and perhaps many other women, its a way of boosting her self-esteem like she is better than the wife/fiance/girlfriend. Or simple curiousty as to what the other woman sees in the guy and/or if she can take him away.
I have had this done to me as well. Everytime I had a boyfriend it seemed like the women would come out of the woodwork and it is true with my husband as well. Few women found them attractive as single men but once we got together boom! women swarmed liked locusts. Unfortunately, my husband cheated a lot and all the women knew upfront he was married. Some of them felt they did absolutely nothing wrong, that they weren’t the ones in a committed relationship & if the guy was willing to cheat why not cheat with her? Karma is a bitch though and what comes around goes around. I have also found that if a guy is willing to cheat he will cheat with anyone, no matter looks, personality, occupation etc. Ewww, not the guy for me!
GAgirl
wrote on August 13 2009 @ 10:23 am: [report]
Oh and to the men/women who aren’t happy in your relationships either commit to addressing the issues or have the balls to end the relationship instead of just testing the waters to see if anything’s better out there.
BedRocka
wrote on August 13 2009 @ 11:59 am: [report]
WHOA .. some profound stuff over here!! I think we just reconfigured the wheel over here with this Startling revelation!!
Riley
wrote on August 13 2009 @ 12:00 pm: [report]
Phil in Reno? Did you get a new account? Shifty guy, you.
BedRocka
wrote on August 13 2009 @ 12:02 pm: [report]
on serious note though, I think it goes both ways. I noticed that girls with boyfriends are more receptive to conversation and more at ease when a guy converses with them than single gals because they have the sense of security and don’t seem to think every dude who talks and interacts with them is trying to get in their pants or hit on them. As for the topic, I heard somewhere, ” forbidden fruit tastes the sweetest, but upsets the hell out of your stomach” so if you have some good tums go ahead and take a bite of the fruit!!!
GAgirl
wrote on August 13 2009 @ 12:06 pm: [report]
LOL, BedRocka! I’ll send the ladies some tums…
BedRocka
wrote on August 13 2009 @ 12:28 pm: [report]
Atta girl!! and the cycle shall continue!!
Heather
wrote on August 14 2009 @ 11:57 am: [report]
I agree completely with this post. I’ve thought this for years. I’ve also thought that this is why some women find themselves attracted to damaged men. Because being damaged means they were capable enough of love to be hurt.
painted_lady
wrote on August 17 2009 @ 01:27 am: [report]
I’ve noticed since we’ve been together that quite a few girls who knew my boyfriend even before I did and never showed any interest before have suddenly become rather interested. I’m completely not the jealous type - I actually would prefer that he’d acknowledge more often that he notices other women because I sometimes feel like I neutered him or something - so I find it a little amusing rather than irritating. I think, though, that it’s a couple of things. One is a sort of social approval thing rather than any maliciousness. It’s like someone else finding him attractive gives them permission to find him attractive as well. Even with the bf, I double checked with my best friend before going out with him to see what she thought about him. When she concurred that he was cute and seemed incredibly sweet, I gave myself the okay to pursue. In small doses, that sort of social approval is a good thing because about a month before we started seeing each other I’d also noticed another guy, for whom I got the no-go from almost all my friends. He ended up being total bad news, so I dodged the bullet entirely. Another thing it may be is, like everyone’s saying, the attractiveness of a man who can commit. It’s comforting to know a man can do a relationship, but people seem to skip that logical leap that if you poach him, he must also leave relationships pretty easily. I don’t know that we’ve got that much forethought unconsciously. Also, not that this study could determine this, but I think it’s attractive to women to see a man who’s also a *good* boyfriend. Which he really obviously is, and we’re sort of obnoxiously happy, and it’s understandable to covet that a bit. My gay best friend is totally jealous of the relationship, but is fortunately self-aware enough to know that’s all it is (the bf isn’t his type AT ALL, and obviously, my best friend isn’t his type).
LolaGirl
wrote on August 17 2009 @ 03:42 pm: [report]
There’s definitely some truth to it. Guys in relationships automatically become more appealing because it’s like someone else has already done the research for you. “Oh, he’s normal enough for this other girl to be dating him.” Much less of a crap-shoot than it is with single guys.
Steph9668
wrote on August 24 2009 @ 07:01 pm: [report]
It’s not my style at all but it does happen a LOT… my boyfriend’s ex just found out he’s with me. Now she has decided to tell him that she hasn’t been getting enough sex with her current man and she wants to break up with him.. and, of course, she’s asking my bf if he wants to get together sometime. What beautiful timing.
Sometimes I really, really dislike women.
Nonprophet
wrote on August 25 2009 @ 07:43 am: [report]
This is something every man knows is statistically true. Not “all” women will be like this, as not “all” of people are exactly the same. However, by and large, overall, in general, a man will get hit on more with a wedding ring than without one.
One strategy young guys learn when out looking to meet women in bars is to bring women with them to the bar. It doesn’t even really matter who they are. Just get a couple of girls to be in your group, and interact with them at the bar or club so that other women can see the guys involved with women. Guys learn to do this because it works. A guy is more likely to meet a girl if another girl shows interest in him.
I think these strategies work partly because of the kind of demeanor it engenders in the guy. We become more secure and confident. If we’re married or have a girlfriend, we don’t care about meeting another girl. So, we have no air of self-consciousness and aren’t worried about what women think. If we are there with girls already, again, we don’t really care what other girls are doing.
Women tend not to like “needy” guys or guys that are not confident, so I am willing to bet that is why women look at a picture of a guy and find him more attractive when told he is attached. He must not be a needy guy or lack confidence, if he’s hanging on to a girl.
We men are puzzled by how a woman can look at the same picture and find it more attractive because of something someone says about it. A guy is generally not like that at all. We look at a picture of Megan Fox, say, and she’s hot regardless of what her personality is or her relationship status. I’ve had it explained to me in a couple of different ways, but for the most part, what it is is that women don’t separate the personality from the physical, and men do make that separation.
Ask a woman who thinks Brad Pitt is stuck up, cheating, lying jackass, if Brad Pitt is physically attractive and she will have a hard time saying yes. She won’t separate her negative opinion of him from her opinion of his physical attractiveness. Ask a guy is Megan Fox is physically attractive, and even if he thinks she’s a total bitch and lying, cheating scum, he’ll say she’s hot.
mariapic
wrote on October 14 2009 @ 07:39 pm: [report]
This is what I have found about women who do this and if you’re one of them I bet this is true for you: YOU got cheated on by someone who hurt you badly and your way of “making things right” is to go after taken men in your quest to rebuild your self-esteem. It doesn’t work. When you’re a woman willing to sneak around and be the dirty secret, the man has no respect for you. My gorgeous husband had a 3 wk emotional affair (zero physical contact) and the minute I found the Texas skank’s text and confronted him he threw her out the window quicker than you can sneeze. He immediately realized that anything he thought he felt for her was fantasy and that she had just been like a 900# that made him feel good because she was flirting with him (knowing he was married with children). He wanted her to fall off the face of the earth. Ladies-do you really want a guy to feel this way about you? Also, one of the reasons my husband loves me is that I am kind and respectful to others-I would never do this to anyone and he knows he can trust me with his life. Obviously, a girl who is willing to play undercover does not have the same moral standards as a “keeper”. Yes, my husband and I had problems - finding out about Texas bimbo improved my marriage 150% (I’ve lost 20 pounds, husband treats me like a princess and I feel adored and make him feel adored). So I don’t have to worry about another moocher trying to come and steal my husband because I treat my husband so great now-why would he want anyone else? I mainly wrote in to say: having experienced being cheated on does not give you the right to do it to someone else (this is what Texas bimbo’s excuse was…uuum, no-you’re 34 and maybe no one has married you cuz you suck). By the time I was 34 I’d had 5 guys ask to marry me, and not one of them was someone I was trying to take from someone else. These girls lack self esteem, I didn’t. I didn’t have to take a guy away from someone else to feel better about myself. And for those of you that say, “hey, if I could take him away then it’s okay” - no, it’s not. My marriage is an example of that. Three months ago my husband and I were having issues which is why bimbo was able to start a phone relationship with my husband at that time. But now our marriage is really the best marriage I know of, we just had to work through some issues, which we did to save our marriage. A guy is not free unless he’s free. If you know he has to sneak to call you then what does that tell you? That you’re a dirty little secret. I don’t know about you but I never was and never would be that. Women who do this are like dogs accepting scraps that fall off the table of married woman’s filet mignon dinner - she still gets the steak, while you lick the floor for scraps he sneaks you under the table. If you still really think it’s okay to do this - imagine having an 18 year old daughter. Would you recommend for her to behave this way?