Wife With A Life: The Unexpectedly Sucky Parts of Newlywed Life

Posted by: Claire Zulkey Filed in: relationships
11:00AM, Tuesday January 20th 2009

Comments (25)

The first year of marriage is the hardest, I’d been told many times by my friends. While I wasn’t sure if I was prepared for the uncertain road that lay ahead, I certainly felt like I’d gotten fair warning and couldn’t expect to be surprised by the challenges that would come once I entered marriage. Once the wedding is over, it’s the two of you, making a life together, and that’s not easy for anyone.

So, I felt ready to encounter squabbles and misunderstandings and the taking-for-granted that comes when you know someone really well and expect to be around them for a long time. When something came up, I could tell myself, “OK, this is normal.”

But there were some other parts of newlywed life that bummed me out, stuff that I never thought would have mattered to me ... until it did.

The Depression

I was so focused on my wedding that once it passed, I felt lost. There was no focal point on the horizon anymore. This panicked me. Was I incapable of being at peace in my new life, or was I going to feel restless and upset forever without having something major to look forward to? Getting up, getting dressed, and going to work felt so blah, especially as fall turned into winter and the days grew darker. I hated this funk because it seemed like such a cliche. I’d heard that brides feel let down after their weddings, and I’d always thought that sounded like a symptom of spoiled princess disease. “Waah, your wedding’s over, people aren’t looking at you anymore, waaah.” Since I’d told myself it wouldn’t happen to me, I felt like a jerk when it did. Nothing makes a depressed person feel worse than thinking, “My depression is so stupid.” Then I’d feel bad for feeling sad, since Steve deserved a happy new wife, not a scowling crab, and I’d feel worse. “I just want you to be happy,” he’d say, and I’d want to cry.

The Identity Crisis

I couldn’t help but feel—well, there’s no other way to say it than this—old and irrelevant. I was MARRIED. Not that I’d been famous for my clubbing days or renowned for hooking up with lots of single men, but this meant that even the possibility of all that was over. Officially, I was no longer a mademoiselle. I was married. Like my mom.

Maybe I had a problem with admitting that I’m irrevocably a woman, not a girl anymore. I’m not trying to sound like Britney Spears, trust me, but I felt like the end of girlhood meant the end of potential, possibilities, spontaneity. It meant I was out of the system. Never cool again (was I ever to begin with?). Nothing to look forward to other than wrinkles, my parents getting old, babies, and messes.

Who was I? I was no longer eligible. I’m was no longer dreaming of that big finale. Everything felt different, and yet not.

Lost Friends

I’m not sure why, but there was a handful of friends who fell off the face of the earth after I invited them to my wedding. After chasing down their negative RSVP’s, I never heard from them again. Maybe they were embarrassed about not being able to afford to fly out for the wedding, but I couldn’t understand why that wouldn’t merit an email, “Hi, how are you?” A Facebook poke. Something. I’m probably reading too much into it, but I got a “She’s just not that into you vibe” from the whole situation. I overstepped the bounds of our friendship by inviting them; now the friendship was DOA.

The Fatness

I was ready to let myself go a bit after the wedding. After all, in the weeks leading up to it, I’d been going to the gym seven days a week, working with a trainer on three of those days, tanning, getting facials, whitening my teeth. I was more than willing to surrender some of those tasks. It took longer than I’d anticipated to even want to start really taking care of myself again, and then it was spurred on by my clothes getting a little tight, which, of course, made me feel down. We need a pudgy depressed wife in aisle one, please.

The Things That Aren’t So Fun to Pay For Once It’s All Said and Done

It cost me $400 to get my gown cleaned (and I’m talking cleaned, not preserved), and more than I’d care to admit to get an album of the photos made. When you’re swept up in the wedding madness, things like hair and makeup and facials all seem totally natural and necessary to pay for, but once the day has passed, it hurts to continue to pony up. Yes, I know I could have done these things more cheaply, but I didn’t.

Now, a little over three months later, I feel better about all this stuff. Heading to someone else’s wedding, attaining a degree of professional fulfillment, and getting through the holidays helped shake me out of the funk, as did hanging out with my good friends (which I didn’t have time to do much of before the wedding). They reminded me that I’m the same girl—er, woman I was a year ago, but with an extra ring on my finger. I got a new kick-ass, encouraging personal trainer, and I’m starting to realize that I wasn’t talking to those old friends that much before the wedding to begin with, and apparently, they have lives of their own. Who knew?

Had I known more about the post-wedding blues, I still might not have been able to stave them off, but if I’d known that was normal, I might have cut myself some slack.

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Tags: wedding, marriage, depression, bride

Comments (25)

comments

tattooed_redhead
wrote on January 20 2009 @ 12:45 pm: [report]

Oh, yeah, that brings back memories. Add to that an insane, bi-polar, nasty (now ex, thankfully!) mother in law who wasn’t prepared to be replaced by another woman in her son’s life.
These are the things that should be in wedding magazines. A little warning would have been nice.

MrsAbraxas
wrote on January 20 2009 @ 12:57 pm: [report]

Wow. Well, first off, kudos on reinforcing belittling stereotypes of women as attention-dependent divas.

What did you expect if you put all your effort and energies into prepping for a party and not for a marriage, sweetheart?

It’s not that I don’t empathize - I’m a blogger of newlywed life, too [http://thenewlybed.blogspot.com] - but surely you could have seen these things coming. There are tons of opportunities before the wedding to take a more reflective, and dare I say, mature approaching to building a life with someone.

This rant sounds like it’s better suited to The Nest than to what I thought was a sex-positive feminist outlet like Frisky.

Amelia
wrote on January 20 2009 @ 01:00 pm: [report]

@MrsAbraxas All we ask of our writers is that they’re honest, not that fit some sort of mold of what a “sex-positive feminist writer” should sound like. I think Claire did that.

Wendy Atterberry
wrote on January 20 2009 @ 01:11 pm: [report]

Ugh on the “sex-positive feminist” comment. I am so effing over this incredibly archaic feminist notion that all women have to subscribe to the same exact feelings, respond to events and occasions in the same exact way or they are just “reinforcing belittling stereotypes of women.” It’s perfectly normal to feel a certain anti-climax after big life events. It doesn’t make one a diva.

Amelia
wrote on January 20 2009 @ 01:19 pm: [report]

@Wendy Atterberry Plus, it seems to me that requiring women to subscribe to the same exact feelings is decidedly UNfeminist.

MrsAbraxas
wrote on January 20 2009 @ 01:21 pm: [report]

No suggestion on my part that women can/do/should have the same feelings or responses, just that there are options/responses that expand beyond the trite post-nuptial blues stuff:

“There was no focal point on the horizon anymore. This panicked me… was I going to feel restless and upset forever without having something major to look forward to?

...I hated this funk because it seemed like such a cliche.

...Nothing to look forward to other than wrinkles, my parents getting old, babies, and messes.”

Claire Zulkey
wrote on January 20 2009 @ 01:33 pm: [report]

@MrsAbraxas (shrug). I don’t know what to tell you. I thought I WAS above having post-wedding letdown—I knew it could come and figured that if I could see it on the horizon I could prepare for it and deflect it, but it did come, so, I don’t know what, I guess I failed as a modern woman.

I kinda resent you assuming that I had nothing else going on in my life other than the wedding, too, but to each their own.

Now if you excuse me I’m going to take my shoes off and get back in the kitchen!

LittleLady
wrote on January 20 2009 @ 01:57 pm: [report]

@MrsAbraxas - Depending on your time frame, there’s NOT necessarily time to think, “Hmm, what will I do when I’m not picking out flowers?” For someone who doesn’t define herself as a bride, there are plenty of other ways to spend her time, so that’s not even a reflection girls like us would consider.

Planning a wedding takes time for a good hostess. You want things to be nice, and you want your guests to be comfortable. It’s not a slap-together deal. As a bride-to-be, I really appreciate this post. I can totally see me beating up on myself in eight months because I’m bored on the days off I don’t have vendor appointments. God forbid a new wife not know what to do with all the free time when she hasn’t had ANY since he proposed!

Side note so no one else wastes time: I checked out Mrs. Abraxas’ said blog to see what other views she’s expressed before I responded to her. I wanted to believe that such an attack on someone just being honest was uncharacteristic. Blogspot says thenewlybed.blogspot.com does not exist. I’m NOT saying she doesn’t blog, or that it was anything more than a typo, but that’s not the URL.

MrsAbraxas
wrote on January 20 2009 @ 02:25 pm: [report]

Um, that’s a super-embarassing typo on my part [yeesh]. TheNewlybed.com or Newlybed.blogspot.com.

That’ll show me for not consolidating my URL’s.

I had a super visceral reaction to the original post because I thought the arguments were undercooked and overwrought and better covered by other people on other sites. I don’t think regret sharing my feelings and I stand by what I said.

Just as there are lots of ways of being a single woman or a bride, there are lots of ways of dealing with newlyweddery.

Marriage, relationships, singledom, sex: It’s good, it’s bad, it’s effing complicated. That’s why this site exists, I thought: To explore women’s experiences and to foster thoughtful debate and not just to get bitchslapped for sharing a dissenting opinion.

Claire Zulkey
wrote on January 20 2009 @ 02:29 pm: [report]

@MrsAbraxas

You’re certainly entitled to your opinion but I wasn’t making an ‘argument’ or even trying to make a universal statement. I was just saying what happened to me.

Wendy Atterberry
wrote on January 20 2009 @ 02:36 pm: [report]

Gee, who started the bitch-slapping? Condescendingly calling someone you don’t know “sweetheart” and sarcastically congratulating her on “reinforcing belittling stereotypes of women as attention-dependent divas” doesn’t exactly “foster thoughtful debate.”

MrsAbraxas
wrote on January 20 2009 @ 02:48 pm: [report]

Fine, you’re right. I dished it, I can take it: http://newlybed.blogspot.com/2009/01/tempest-meet-teapot-newlywed-bloggers.html

vanya
wrote on January 20 2009 @ 08:32 pm: [report]

The unexpectedly sucky part of newlywed life?? The in-law pop-in! No amount of begging or pleading for them to call ahead of time worked. Until one day, I answered the door in a robe, and said “We’re having sex now. You’ll have to come back later. A loooong time later.” and for some reason, that worked.

Lyz
wrote on January 21 2009 @ 08:20 am: [report]

Maybe its because I was more excited for the dishes than the dress (how’s that for feminism). But I didn’t experience a lot of post-wedding malaise. But I completely understand what you mean about losing your identity and losing friends. Life changes when you get married, in a thousand subtle ways that no one can appropriately prepare you for. And no one can do this because each marriage is a little different.But after being married for almost four years now, I have gotten some of those friends back, figured out how to write my last name and realized that marriage isn’t an end to exciting singleness, its a whole new completely different adventure. One that has shown me more of who I am than I ever wanted to know.

writergirl
wrote on January 21 2009 @ 03:42 pm: [report]

My mother made my wedding a nightmare, from the shower to the registry, to the flowers, to the reception hall…she made it miserable. I got pregnant in the middle of my engagement which caused my future father-in-law not to speak to my future husband for two weeks and my future MIL to treatment with some level of disdain. My bridesmaids hated each other. My bridesmaids didn’t DO anything, so I did EVERYTHING, including picking their dresses up when they came in and hand delivering them to their homes. My husband to be said he didn’t WANT a say in anything even though I asked him repeatedly, then when all the decisions had been made said, “Oh, well, I wanted…” My more extended family pulled some kind of cr*p…..There were problems with my bridesmaids and planning my shower, which by that point, I didn’t want anyway, but they made me go.

I was never so happy to be done with a day in my life.

Hindsight being 20/20, we should have gone to Hawaii and told everyone when we got back.

Kiri Anne
wrote on January 21 2009 @ 09:42 pm: [report]

Ms. Zulkey -
I’m so sorry you had to go through somehting like that! But I’m so very glad you wrote about it.
Ten years ago I went through a similar thing. Three days after our wedding we moved to New Zealand (which is great, by the way, and not part of the issue!) to live for six months while the hubby worked. Talk about not having an identity other than Mrs! I had no friends and no family.
I grew more in those six months than I ever have. I became who I am today, for good and bad. I value the time in hindsight. My husband and I both feel it was a great way to start our new relationship. But man alive did it suck at the time.
To this day I do not believe enough brides are told about the potential for serious let down and self doubt that can follow some weddings. I hope us old married types are supportive of new brides if and when they go through tough times.
Thank you for helping to educate others. You are to be comended.
PS The mother-in-law thing NEVER gets better.

SeattleMama
wrote on January 22 2009 @ 04:12 pm: [report]

Every time I get to thinking, “maybe we should have had a ‘real’ wedding instead of eloping”, I read a story like this and am so grateful we chose the route we did.

Kiri-Anne, I agree on the MIL thing, to a point… although if yo outlive them, things improve drastically. There’s always hope.

newbride
wrote on January 23 2009 @ 12:39 pm: [report]

It s not because you have nothing to focused on that you don’t like the newlywed life. It’s just that the “party” side of the marriage is over. It’s hard to focus on the “real” life after. You work for a long time to have a “perfect” day. Only A day!! So when that it’s over,it’s nice to not have any preassure or stress but at the same you are not the center of attention anymore. There is always something more important that you now. It might be selfish to think like that but I think we can be because it’s was our day.

A marriage is a great thing and to build a longer life married it’s a lot of works, but it’s a good fondation for the futur.

It helps to really see you the way you are really.

On my side the in-laws (except my SIL) were always there for me and they were more there for me that my own family. We lost my MIL last August and it was like loosing my mother. She was never the kind of MIL that you see in the movies, but a person that was like a mother to me and someone that could have been my sister.
So maybe some in-laws are hard to live with and they can be a pain in the butt, but be conscient that it can change anyday without you realising it.

OHRanay
wrote on January 24 2009 @ 10:01 pm: [report]

As a Bride-to-be I found your post entertaining. I don’t know if I’ll have that same problem b/c I don’t think the wedding is that big of a deal. To me, we just have to pick a church (which we did), pick a reception place (which I did) that is all-inclusive so I don’t have to deal with making stupid little girly things for the table that no one will pay attention to or hiring a separate caterer and finding the perfect linen. That would drive me crazy.. Now, I just need to pick out a dress, purchase the invitations (which I’ve already picked out), buy a cake and book a photographer and I’m good to go. I don’t see why people let weddings get to them. I’m definitely not spending days and days interviewing vendors. It’s just not worth my time. It’s just one day. I can’t wait for the damn thing to be over. I’m just looking forward to getting one of those cool, red table mixers….

newbride
wrote on January 26 2009 @ 09:44 am: [report]

OHRanay;
Why do you even do a reception if you don’t care about it?
I know some people can get overboard with preparation of a wedding reception, but it’s nice to want something to be well made and that people enjoy the time they are there. Don’t you think it’s an effort to make to people can take time to come to your wedding?

CuteCora
wrote on January 26 2009 @ 02:26 pm: [report]

WOW! There is alot of talk about the wedding stuff. Ok, I just got married a few months ago, I had a very small wedding and with that 90% of the major things were much more bearable to deal with and made my process easier. However I do agree that no one really warns you about the potential side effects of becoming a new bride. Like (Claire) stated , i dont think its the WAhh my day is over, or the post princess syndrome , it is the new life and the new change and experiece ( now some would say why squak about it after, this is to be exspected so why do we feel the way we do afterwards) the beautiful thing is that ..somehow we are not sure why these feelings take place or what really causes them, just that they are there and we must deal with them. Getting to alter for anybody in many different ways can be CRAZY.. however the end result is always amazing. I think everybody has there own journey to take in this area of their life, and being that everybody has a differnt storey, experience, troubles etc and none of us can really pin point the aftermath of a wedding,, the only thing we know for sure..is that we are MARRIED!

OHRanay
wrote on January 31 2009 @ 08:21 am: [report]

newbride:

In my opinion, our marriage ceremony is the most important part. I don’t think people should be that concerned about having the perfect centerpiece on the tables or the perfect colors. Who cares? I refuse to be one of those people that make everyone crazy because I feel the need to decorate with tiny little decorated rocks or flowers or something. There will be good food, good boos, good music and good dancing. That’s all that matters to me. And…I don’t think it’s my personal responsibility to ensure that all my guests have a “fabulous time”. That’s on them. The point of the day is to celebrate our marriage. Our true friends and family could care less about all the fan fare. They would be happy if we served hot dogs and hamburgers and played cornhole all night. It’s not that I don’t care at all about the reception, I’m just not going to waste my time worrying about little things that no one notices anyway. I have better things to do.

CuteCora
wrote on February 2 2009 @ 07:58 am: [report]

This may seem un-traditional, however, me & my husband had our very small intimate wedding reception 3 wks after we got married. The funny thing is after you get married and go to the reception and do all the things you have to do ,people pull you in many directions, eveyone wants your pic or some of your time & attention that somehow we lose track of it and by the end of the night you are soooooo EXHAUSTED from it all that on your Wedding night..well lets say… things dont always happen the way they should ( your both to tired) . Like I said we had 17 people @ our wedding on the lake, then after the ceremony, we all went for photos and dinner and all hung out for the night and had a great time, however it was exhausting enough doing all of that , we were so happy we did not have all the worries and BS of the receptions.. we went to our hotel had our “Honeymoon ” (Meow.. lol) and came home days later got settle in alittle, relax , adjust to the idea of our new life and journeys, then when some of the hype dies down, we then had our reception..we were rested , relaxed….and had a FABOULOUS TIME..

bbblondie
wrote on April 18 2009 @ 09:24 pm: [report]

I appreciate this article because it seriously reinforces my “someday I’ll have a SMALL QUIET CHEAP wedding” mantra. Not that I’ll be getting married anytime soon. (I’ve heard you need a fiancee first, right? I’ll get to work on that…)Anyway, every time I hear these stories about brides getting so caught up in the planning and the decorating and prepping (I don’t blame you guys for ANY of it, it is a big and exciting day and of course you want everything to be perfect) and then, like this writer said, realizing after the fact that it’s over AND there’s still plenty of payments to go, it sounds like a situation that could make anyone depressed. As for the debate going on with MrsAbraxas up there, I do see something in her original post that really does seem to be a huge problem problem for women, and that’s getting so caught up in the wedding day that there’s no preparing for the marriage. All the more reason, I think, to keep it low key and focused on the couple and the task at hand (um, the task at hand FOREVER) which is: get hitched, be happy about it. (I know it’s not that simple, I swear, but I’ve clearly typed a NOVEL in this comment and it’s time for me to stop being wordy.) So ummm… yay small weddings! and good luck to the new brides, btw