Put A Fork In It: Marriage Is Dying

CuteCora
wrote on January 26 2009 @ 02:38 pm: [report]

I agree in some ways and not in other. Funny thing I just got married in the summer and just the other night mu husband was asking me.. Why did we get married( Not in a bad way haha) but meaning we have been together for 8 years prior to getting married, we were in love and completly commited so why get married. I never got married for Traditions Sake, or because of my parents or because society thinks this is what people should do. I simply got married becasue well obviouse I love my hubbie and couldnt imagine being with anybody else ( No blinders ) but just simply because I wanted that day.. toshow the world that I am taken, I am in love and somebody loves me…lol I don’t mean in the way its coming out like I need some form of validation.. but just becasue.. To respond to my husbands question..why get married after this time.. really funny thing about s women..there is no rhyme or reason..there simply just “is” so maybe some marry for religion, parents, society etc but some well marry to have the beautiful & overcomplicated journey!

amanda5810
wrote on January 26 2009 @ 03:32 pm: [report]

being recently de-fianceed myself, i’d say cheers to people figuring out that marriage isn’t the end all to be all!

Nick at Night
wrote on January 26 2009 @ 04:17 pm: [report]

I think part of the problem is confusing marriages with weddings.  A marriage is (supposed to be) a lifelong commitment.  A wedding is a brief ceremony followed by a party.  People spend months or years planning the wedding and then just jump into the marriage and try to figure it out as they go.  If you did it the other way around, spend your time planning the marriage, then get everyone over one weekend for a big wedding feast, I think marriages would either A) last longer and be happier, or B) more people would realize what they are in for and not tie the knot in the first place, preserving the institution of marriage for those who can handle it.

I also kinda think doing it this way, people would enjoy the wedding a bit more too.  It would definitely be cheaper and less stress.

joyy
wrote on January 26 2009 @ 04:46 pm: [report]

@Nick at Night - thanks for implying that people who aren’t interested in/suited for marriage are better than others - which is how “preserving the institution of marriage for those who can handle it” comes across whether you wanted it to or not.  Otherwise, I agree.

joyy
wrote on January 26 2009 @ 04:47 pm: [report]

errrr, that came out wrong.  the statement implies that people who can “handle…marriage” are better than those who aren’t interested in/cut out for it.

Evie
wrote on January 26 2009 @ 05:01 pm: [report]

My guy and I are blissfully unwed and have every intention of staying so. He’s been married twice before and I have one failed marriage of my own. There are challenges to this state of affairs (so to speak), but there are a number of benefits as well. he has kids; I do not. I do not want to ever be held in any way legally or financially responsible for anything to do with those children. Nor do I want his ex-wife’s spending habits to influence my credit rating. of course these aren’t the only reasons we have for not being married, but they are some of the more practical reasons that are rarely discussed.

What I hope, as more adults stay in long term, committed but unmarried relationships, is that we coin a word son to describe those of us in these situations. (He jokingly calls me his mid-life partner.) but I always feel that “boyfriend” doesn’t sufficiently convey the level of commitment we have towards one another, but I know of no term that really fits.

joyy
wrote on January 26 2009 @ 05:13 pm: [report]

@evie - the bf and I lack the former marriages and kids your own situation has, but other than that I’m on the same page.  My bf calls us DINKs (double income, no kids), but I agree, there is no good term for people who are unmarried but otherwise practically married.  Life partner sounds too cumbersome, “other half” a little too cliched ... who knows.

EarthGoddess
wrote on January 26 2009 @ 05:28 pm: [report]

I caught some hell on this topic before, but I honestly cannot understand why someone wouldn’t want to be married. The author says “marriage never seemed like the end goal of a relationship for me.” More power to ya, but since I started dating in high school, I always thought in the back of my mind about EVERY one of the relationships I was in “Is he THE ONE?” I always viewed dates as a series of interviews to see if marriage could happen, and once I determined it couldn’t, I was off looking for another candidate to fill the position. The end goal was always marriage ... anything else seems like a waste of time to the man I was with and myself. Now that I’m happily married to a man I can’t imagine living without, I can honestly say it is VERY worthwhile. We didn’t have your typical fantasy wedding, but sharing a last name makes our relationship much deeper than if we didn’t.

Nick at Night
wrote on January 26 2009 @ 07:41 pm: [report]

@jovy, I see your point.  And yea, that did come out wrong

wittybitch
wrote on January 26 2009 @ 08:49 pm: [report]

I would like to believe that the decline in marriages is that people are figuring out for themselves what true happiness means for them. Not what it means to society, or to their parents or even to their friends, but what it means to them. For some happiness is marriage and all that it means to them personally. Others are just as happy (if not more) and comfortable in their relationship without exchanging vows. The wedding is a ceremony, marriage is a relationship. I think as long as the couple is happy and comfortable in their relationship that is all that matters. On the same note, we need to recognize and validate a great relationship not defined by marriage just as we would accept and recognize one in matrimony. So no more asking your girlfriends “when are you gonna get married?!” She will get married when she wants…if she wants.

Lyz
wrote on January 27 2009 @ 07:05 pm: [report]

While it would seem like marriage rates are falling, keep in mind divorce rates are dropping too. Also, the average age of married couples is increasing. All of these factor into the “declining” rate of marriage. But also, marriage today is less of a social necessity so couples can take their time. And search for love.

We stand at a time in history when the average wedding cost more than college and yet, we have people crying its death. One group of people is views marriage as exclusionary institution, yet another views it as a means to social freedom. Marriage is the strongest ritualized symbol of love or society offers and in a time when relationships are less about social and economic benefit and more about emotion this has even more resonance with our culture.

But also, as someone who is married I don’t think people who get married think marriage is the be all and end all. Marriage is less Cinderella and more Agents 86 and 99 (Get Smart, anyone?). Finding that perfect partner and tackling each case at at a time. (BTW I am the Booth, he’s the Bones).

HarlemGirl
wrote on January 28 2009 @ 11:57 am: [report]

Lyz,

I completely agree with your sentiments!  My parents are a TEAM in every sense of the word and have been married for 30 years.  The “wedding” is the beginning of an amazing journey I will take with my life partner.  I look forward to the years that I will spend with this person.

Further, I don’t know any “un-marrieds” that have been together for 30 years. A perfect example of this is my aunt who met her boyfriend at 18, and 18 years and two kids later, he gets married.  To someone else.  They had allowed life to take its course, to just happen as opposed to planning proactively for it (marriage, stable life, THEN kids).  Now, there may be un-marrieds who debunk the whole instituion of marriage and still want to proactively live that life, but those are few and far between (in my experience).

EarthGoddess
wrote on January 28 2009 @ 12:18 pm: [report]

@HarlemGirl: I agree completely. It’s not the wedding/party that should be emphasized, it’s spending forever with the person you love and becoming one unit.

I have also never seen a stable, long-term couple that wasn’t married. It seems like an oxymoron to me. It also seems like doing things half-assed. If you’re going to live as a married couple traditionally would, just get married for real. Ya know?

SeattleMama
wrote on January 28 2009 @ 10:51 pm: [report]

My old man were high school sweethearts, and I have been together over 13 years (3 of them married).  We got hitched when I was pregnant with our youngest, simply because it simplified things legally (otherwise there’s lots of extra paperwork regarding birth certificates, power-of-attorney, custody, taxes, etc.)... it didn’t change anything about our relationship- except now when I can joke about how now I’m *really* stuck with him when he gets on my nerves Honestly, I usually forget that we’re married- we were just as solid before we tied the knot.  To be honest, it almost felt a little dirty to go do it for reals- like we weren’t committed enough already? 

I think it’s absurd now how weddings have become these gaudy ‘princess-for-a-day’ productions that some people are paying off long after they’ve split up.  Marriage is a legal contract- I know that’s not romantic, but that’s the way it works.  If it makes sense for your relationship, do it- and if not, don’t.  If you’re doing it for the big poufy dress, then you FAIL.  If you are doing it for the big party or the registry or to get 5 of your friends to wear periwinkle dresses… yep, FAIL. 

There are many relationships that have the stability and commitment (and romance!) typical of marriage, just as there are some people who are married who treat each other worse then they would a stranger.  It’s definitely not the be-all, end-all of a relationship.

joyy
wrote on January 28 2009 @ 11:39 pm: [report]

@Eartgoddess - re: “I have also never seen a stable, long-term couple that wasn’t married.”  Really?  Gay people seem to have been doing it for ages, whether they would marry if given the chance or not. 

You seem so against the idea that other people can function happily in a lifestyle that doesn’t emulate your own - why not just live and let live?  It can’t possibly affect your life - why would you care about how others live their lives?

Michael
wrote on January 29 2009 @ 07:43 am: [report]

how about Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn?  Those two never got married and have been together for over twenty years and considering the state of Hollywood marriages, that’s even more impressive.

EarthGoddess
wrote on January 29 2009 @ 09:06 am: [report]

@joyy: I didn’t mean to imply that other people need to conform to my way of thinking. So, I apologize if that’s how it sounded. I was simply relating my personal experiences witnessing relationships throughout my life. I’ve seen MANY more relationships fail from not walking down the aisle than from those couples that have made the legal (and/or religious) commitment to each other. I also come from an uber-traditional background, as do most of my friends, so I’m sure that’s colored my views quite a bit.

As for the gay community, I have several gay friends and some of them consider themselves married. Those that are married have all had commitment ceremonies (very similar in style to the weddings I’ve been to, just with 2 Princesses or 2 Princes) to make it seem more real and official. They wear wedding bands, too. So, I obviously harbor no ill will towards them and love my gay friends dearly.

I’m all for live and let live, but I often feel like I’m in the minority when it comes to values within relationships, and that makes me sad. I hope my daughter and her generation continue to value marriage and all of the wonderful things that come along with it.

joyy
wrote on January 29 2009 @ 09:34 am: [report]

lol EarthGoddes - Do you really think those relationships failed BECAUSE they weren’t married?  People who stay together for years and then break up would probably just get divorced if they had been married. And what about the divorce rate? 

You’re also forgetting that plenty of people stay in bad marriages because they feel obligated to not go against their vows, even if that decision turns out to have been a terrible mistake.  It’s foolish to think anyone can know what they will be like or what they will want 10, 20, 30 + years down the road.

Just because you haven’t seen stable, long term non-marriage relationships doesn’t mean they aren’t out there.  I do know people who do that, but I know many more who got married and then divorced. 

Marriage isn’t a magic bullet, and to think people who don’t get married are half-assing it is just self-righteous BS.  Don’t worry about the masses not carrying your values on, plenty of people are still getting married.  But why should your values be held as more important than anyone else’s?

EarthGoddess
wrote on January 29 2009 @ 10:51 am: [report]

@joyy: I’m not trying to get into an argument here. I’m simply stating my beliefs based upon my personal experiences. As I said, I am uber-traditional and view marriage as essential to long-term relationships. I’m the married with child(ren), a house in the suburbs with a white picket fence, and a dog running in the yard kind of girl. It all just seems so unfinished and incomplete without the institution of marriage being honored, for both practical and romantic reasons. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, I was just simply offering my 2 cents like everyone else.

jazzyj
wrote on January 29 2009 @ 12:26 pm: [report]

It’s really unfortunate that there is this struggle between married women and single women to make the other seem to be a desperate and miserable lot to be in. Whether its the caricature of the married woman with no identity or personality outside of her wedding dress, or the caricature of the desperate single woman raging at god because Mr Right never comes along.

It’s ugly, and just another way that women devour each other. It may very well be a major contributing factor to the reality that women are paid 73% of what men are for the same job. We are wasting our time fighting about something that none of us control because why? What is the point?

Ironically, all married women will not remain married, and all single women, no matter how much they may declare themselves free of the shackles of convention will not remain single. So, what is the point? What a perversion of marriage on both sides. How sad, because love can be so beautiful with or without marriage.

grownwoman
wrote on January 29 2009 @ 01:14 pm: [report]

A case could be made that marriage is an institution for rearing children.  Once that is done or if you do not want any, a relationship likely does not require marriage.  One caveat being if you mix resources, it is better to be married in order for them to be used or allocated equitably.  If you have children, it is best to be married, it is a big job, financial security is important and in the event of an ending post kids, it is only right for the employed spouse to assist the unemployed spouse in getting back on their feet and regaining financial independence (if one stayed home to care for the children - a mutual decision).

jesscdoo
wrote on January 29 2009 @ 09:46 pm: [report]

As a re-married-nearly-40-year-old-woman, I read the article and these comments and I think to myself, we are too judgemental.  Having said that, however, I must say that marriage, like having children, is not for sissies. If you’re going to do it, you’d better know yourself and your partner and then think it over REAL HARD. Then, and only then, you should wait a little longer. Then maybe. Seriously, people, it’s hard.  It’s a committment.  If you or your partner don’t have the cajones, DON’T DO IT.  But if you do, jump in and just keep swimming.

D-mann
wrote on January 31 2009 @ 04:09 am: [report]

I now understand thru talking to people I am the exception to the rule. I am about to celebrate my 14 wedding anniversary and I still love my wife actually more so than when we got married. This is not to say we have not had problems thru 3 children the oldest being 15 money issues major sex problems in the past and arguements. I now see ll those things as the proofing phase. Real diamonds are not made over night but with time patience and some pressure you get something very valuable, beautiful, and hard to break. I would have to say that the fact that we have been evolving over the years and revealing more and more to become naked (menataly-spiritualy)with each other. My wife like alot of women has/had abandonment issues and was sexually abuse as a child. Worst being when she was 13 and her mother allowed her boyfriend son (20yrs old at the time)violate her in the living room for over a year. Yeah horrible right even now it takes all the christian in me not to line them up and do street justice. What kind of home was that. Moving on when I met her at age 15 ( I was 17) in highscool I knew at that moment she would be my wife. Of course as a man I wasnt ready then either partially due to my own sexual abuse I was overy sexually active by the age of 14 by the time I was 17 I had already experienced a 3 way oral/anal/role play/drugs live in partners due to bad parenting. She got pregnant in highscool and we both knew we werent going to get married just because of a child. I knew she was special but You know how men are we’re not to aligned with our emotions. After every thing she had the biggest heart ever I knew that must be god giving her to me I was not saved at the time but I understood god. I had no heart just pure disdain for eveybody and I knew she could help. Our relationship consisted of me being a friend,lover, and sometimes father. I matured wwaaaayyyy to fast and that allowed me to help her thru things. In a nutshell MARRIAGE IS AWESOME as long as your married for the right reasons which is LOVE not just lust because even after almost 14yrs we still have sex minimum 2-3 times weekly (more if it were completely up to me)and we love supporting each other there is nothing better than waking up next to a person that will have your back no matter what, and has been there thru thick and thin loves you with ever fiber of their being. We even still hold each other laugh and enjoy each other company. I think the invetion of the microwave has ruined evrybodies expectation of life not every thing is immidiate some things require patience and care. Sorry to have talked so long and by the way I am only 34yrs old

EarthGoddess
wrote on January 31 2009 @ 08:35 am: [report]

@D-mann: You are a wonderful example of a young modern man who thinks the right way! Kudos to you and Mrs. D-mann! I can only hope my husband, whom I adore, and I will feel this way when we reach our 14th year of marriage. We’ve been through so much already in just a few years, so I know we can tackle anything as long as we remain a team. We’re so in-tune, it’s as is we are one person in 2 bodies, and we too have become emotionally/spiritually naked to each other. There are no secrets in our marriage and we discuss everything in detail with each other. I somewhat agree with your opinion abut the microwave, although I think the media has played more of a role in turning society into instant gratification junkies. Very few, it seems, are willing to put in the time and effort it takes to really make a marriage work. Instead they’re too focused on their own needs and finding their own happiness, rather than realizing what they want/need is only half the equation once you’ve taken your vows. The other person’s wants/needs are just as valuable and you need to honor them in order to honor your vows. It’s nice to know other couples feel the way my husband and I do.

Michael
wrote on January 31 2009 @ 09:15 am: [report]

I for one don’t think it’s marriage itself that’s dying but just a bi-product of our consumer/disposable society.  Instead of putting effort into it “we’d” rather just trade up to a new model.  Marriage is getting treated the same way tv’s and computers are.

Art S.
wrote on February 2 2009 @ 11:15 am: [report]

EarthGoddess…here is some feedback, take it or leave it.  Your comment to DaMann:

“You are a wonderful example of a young modern man who thinks the right way!”

Why couldn’t you just say: “...a young modern man who thinks like I do.” ? 

The “...who thinks the right way!” screams judgmental. Your “right way” is definitely not mine.  Yes, we’re here to express our own opinions but also to have a conversation about interesting topics. It’s simply impossible to have a real conversation with someone who only sees things from their perspective.

EarthGoddess
wrote on February 2 2009 @ 11:31 am: [report]

@Art S: Silly me, I thought I was entitled to post my opinions/feelings on the topic at hand as much as anyone else. I do feel that it’s “the right way” ... if I didn’t feel that it was “right” why would I do it? I’m not going to live my life in a way that I feel is wrong on purpose ... who would do that?!?! I am very open to conversation, but I am nearly always attacked on this site, so I feel the need to voice my opinion a little louder than the other posters to make sure I’m heard.

D-mann
wrote on February 2 2009 @ 11:34 am: [report]

Art S. I think U mis-understood what she meant by think the right way. Not marriage itself but the act of commiting to something/someone and fulfilling a promise. I Think you (Art S.) would be hard pressed to find people who would dis agree that this is thinking the right way. Wether you commit to be single or married, god, children, job whatever. Based on my travels the majority of people admire someone who is willing to say “this is what I believe and I will fight for it”. Keep that comment in perspective I am not talking about hurting people. I relish feedback and opinion because I don’t believe in original thought someone somewhere has thought the exact things someone else has thought what seperates us is the application of those thoughts, so opinions from others just help me to understand the next person I meet of a similar mind.

Art S.
wrote on February 2 2009 @ 12:13 pm: [report]

Well put D-mann.  I would add that life is about commitment to ideals, people, beliefs, causes, etc.  Not that we can always leave up to that commitment but that a life of purpose, so to speak, is a life well lived.

Art S.
wrote on February 2 2009 @ 12:16 pm: [report]

Goddess - louder isn’t going to lead to a conversation; listening, understanding, and then relating your point to the other person is a better way to go, IMO (of course).

Good luck.

joyy
wrote on February 2 2009 @ 12:39 pm: [report]

@Earth Goddess - you don’t seem to really grasp the idea that other people experience life differently than you do.  You are totally entitled to your opinion, but you consistently express them in a way that puts others as “wrong” who do things differently than you do, since you are living your life the way you feel is best/right (aren’t we all trying to do that?).  THAT is why you end up being attacked. 

Your marriage sounds like it is happy and healthy, and kudos on that, but many people experience happy, healthy relationships without marriage, and it’s pretty narrow-minded to automatically balk at the idea just because you’re not attracted to it.  Lots of things in this life are difficult and take work, but that doesn’t mean that if you’re not doing one of them (like marriage - or having children) that you are weak or immoral or a bad person or that something is wrong with you. 

For example, long distance relationships take work too.  But those of us in successful LDRs understand that, like marriage, it takes A LOT of work and it’s not for everyone (even married folks who are used to relationships being a lot of work). 

The bf and I lived 2,000+ miles away for the first 1.5 years, and he just left last night for TX and will be 8 hours away from me for a whole month (after being gone all last week on a business trip). 

It works fabulously for us because we get to go after the things we want, and those things happen to physically take us away from each other sometimes.  But we love being together yet preserving that independence, and given our own personal family experiences with bad marriages, we’re much happier making the choice day after day to stay together than instigating a family/religious ordeal that we don’t even believe in and that we’ve seen fail people (both that we know AND as proven by the 50% divorce rate).

The point is - no one is telling you that you have to change your mind or your values - just TRY to understand that what works for you isn’t a universal right that creates happiness for all people - because it certainly isn’t.  Everyone experiences life differently - no one mold can fit us all.

EarthGoddess
wrote on February 2 2009 @ 01:15 pm: [report]

@joyy: I very much enjoyed reading your last comment. My husband and I were in an LDR during our entire courtship, so I feel your pain there. We then married, and both work from home, so we went from seeing each other every few weeks to being together literally 24/7. We also RARELY socialize apart, so the furthest he is from me at anytime is usually the next room. I wouldn’t have it any other way. I honestly don’t know how I functioned without him right by my side for the years we were apart. It’s almost painful to be away from him, and he says the same about me. Not only do we use the word “love” to describe our feelings, but we also say we are “addicted” to each other. It may not seem like the healthiest approach to marriage, but it works for us.

Regarding the tone of my earlier posts, I guess I was a little too defensive, and for that I apologize. I was simply referencing my own experiences in my family and circle of friends. I’ve never met a long-term couple that wasn’t married (or the homosexual equivalent) and remained together or seemed as happy as those that followed the more traditional pattern of married with kids. Honest to God. As I think I mentioned before, I’m sure that type of upbringing has colored my views quite a bit. I also think that most people (myself included) tend to associate with people similar to themselves, so maybe I just need to get out more. LOL

Going along with the traditional upbringing, I was also sheltered from a lot growing up and that has made adulthood pretty difficult for me. I was raised in a strict Roman Catholic household in a quintessentially suburban town, am an only child, and I was admittedly spoiled beyond belief and coddled well into my 20s (even after marriage and the birth of my own daughter). I was never allowed to experience anything negative, or anything that was too far outside the “normal” range. (If you’ve seen Desperate Housewives, my mom is Bree - minus the skeletons in her closet - and the street I grew up on isn’t that far removed from Wisteria Lane.) Much of this has carried into my adult life. So, I’ve had a very “Pollyanna” existence and tend to be uncomfortable with anything other than that. Maybe I’m not as open-minded as I’d like to think I am.

Sorry to ramble and thanks for listening.

joyy
wrote on February 2 2009 @ 01:24 pm: [report]

@EG: Does it at least make sense now why people “attack” you so much?  Also, unless you are very close with someone, it is not always possible to know if they are truly happy with what they have or if that happiness is BECAUSE of the marriage/kids thing.

This isnt’ meant to be super insulting ... but maybe you should get out more - it’s easy to be friends with people who are very similar to you, but you learn a lot about life in general AND yourself as you branch out and meet people whose lifestyles are all over the place.  Plus, how boring would the world be - and how would we ever learn anything - if we all just did the same thing?

EarthGoddess
wrote on February 2 2009 @ 01:49 pm: [report]

@joyy: It DOES make a little more sense now, so I sincerely thank you for the way your phrased things. More often than not, I find myself at odds with how society seems to be going with things and I worry about the world my daughter and her generation will inherit. Having President Obama around has helped tremendously with that, though. (I’m a die-hard Democrat!) I also can’t seem to relate to the SATC mindset that is so prevalent now, although I loved the show (mostly Charlotte ... she reminded me of myself more than the other ladies).

Regarding “getting out more” ... that’s hard for me too. I am in no way shy, but I also don’t meet many people whose lives are all that different than mine. Maybe it’s the “birds of a feather” philosophy in action. I do admit that I tend to avoid situations out of my comfort zone, so that hinders my ability to branch out. (My upbringing has also given me a lot of phobias about new things and/or the unknown.) I enjoy socializing in small groups and familiar surroundings, except for a vacation every few years. I don’t ever find life boring, however. Far from it, actually.

I could sit here and psychoanalyze myself all day, but you have better things to do than read it. So, thanks again.

D-mann
wrote on February 2 2009 @ 02:35 pm: [report]

joyy I dont agree that LDR are a real relationship. The only exception to that is military where one may be deployed or in an dangerous environment. By definition you have a relationship but from what glimpse you gave me your both playing it safe. Both parties have been hurt emotional,financial or physical and by have an adult LDR is like a short term lease on a car your not bound to that person. You want to come and go as you please and thats what single people and people in or who have had bad marriages don’t get deep love and marriage the way GOD put it makes me want to be bound> I want to surrender to this beautiful woman that god made for me. My day gets brighter when I see her thats a feeling that cannot be obtained in a relationship of convenience. I dont believe marriages fail. I beleive people FAIL. Just because U got married that doesnt mean that U married with full understanding of what it meant.“SUBMITTING YOURSELVES ONE TO ANOTHER IN THE FEAR OF GOD,  WIVES SUBMIT YOURSELF UNTO YOU HUSBAND AS UNTO THE LORD FOR THE HUSBAND IS THE HEAD OF THE WIFE..HUSBANDS LOVE YOUR WIFE EVEN AS CHRIST LOVED THE CHURCH AND DIED FOR IT…HUSBAND LOVE YOUR WIFE AS THEIR OWN BODIES FOR HE THAT LOVES HIS WIFE LOVES HIMSELF..FOR NO MAN HATES HIM SELF…YOU SHALL BE AS ONE FLESH. EPHESIANS 5:21-31. Now you answer this what are the odds that people who have been divorced lived by those principles if they did they would stay married.So I say this its not marriage that fails its people marriage is beautiful and should be regarded in that way the faults you see when you look at marriage is a mirror reflecting your shortcomings

joyy
wrote on February 2 2009 @ 02:58 pm: [report]

D-mann - Uh, you can’t really judge someone’s relationship over the internet, moron.  The point of my own LDR (when it was that, it isn’t anymore), was that I was finishing school and he lived elsewhere - so I moved west after I graduated.  He can work remotely from wherever he has internet, so he takes longer stretches at our vacation house than I do (I have a more standard day job and cruise down for long weekends and a nice winter vacation). 

You don’t have to be bound by one person’s terms to be happy and have love.  Sounds like you just feel your way of life is being threatened (which was the logic many churches used in backing the Klan back in the day), which is crap because no matter how many people decide NOT to get married, you are free to live your life however you see fit.  Plus, I thought Christians believed in loving their neighbor and letting God sort out all that judgement - so why not live and let live?

Also, I’m not Christian so you quoting scripture just makes me laugh.  And even if your argument actually had some sort of logical basis, you aren’t helping your cause by doing things like typing U instead of you or failing to put actual sentences together.

D-mann
wrote on February 2 2009 @ 03:00 pm: [report]

As you all can see I have some very stong views on some things. I never intend to offend anyone I am not malicious, I have just live a looooonnnnngggg life in a very short time and have come across a great many truths. I have driven my poor wife crazy over the years because of this. I read people so fast also indentify and discern so quickly that it comes off as judgmental but I am not judging becuase no man(or woman) is without fault. People get so offended by thruths within themselves that they don’t understand.Here is an exercise I am sure some guy with a PHD has it in a book but I came to this conclusion before my age hit double digits. When U do,think,say, or react to something ask yourself why and when U get that answer ask again eventually, you will be able to stop alot of bad habits and understand. My philosiphy is KNOW THYSELF and LOVE THYSELF because without both of those things how can you truly love anyone else or understand someonelse (ie marriage,parent,child,brother,sister, or friend). I don’t mean to be preachy its just how my mind works.

D-mann
wrote on February 2 2009 @ 03:17 pm: [report]

joyy I find your response interesting I thought this was a venue for sharing thoughts and ideas as well as ideals. I started out by saying by the glimpse u gave me, and is name calling and attacking sentence structure what your about. I will refrain from responding to you because I watched you express youself to earth goddess telling her your opinions and soon as somebody disputed with you U come of with insults REALLY. It seems hypocritical to me, I will just refrain from communicating with U and ignore your comments and not read them not because I am mad or upset its just pointless to carry on a dialogue or debate with someone will respond by trying to offend someone instead of logic or reason.

EarthGoddess
wrote on February 2 2009 @ 03:56 pm: [report]

@Dmann: I don’t consider what Joyy said offensive at all! I actually was happy to have an insightful and open-minded conversation with her. No one is always right or always wrong ... it was nice to have both sides equally presented and shared. Like you said, this is a venue for sharing thoughts and ideas.

D-mann
wrote on February 4 2009 @ 10:53 am: [report]

@EG: that was not my point, I meant she was trying to offend me by calling me a moron and attacking me. She attacked me after U calmly accepted her opinion. Anybody who lashes out with insults is not someone whom I would want to continue a dialogue with because that tells me that anytime they R faced w/something uncomfortable the dialogue/debate will break down to base insults. Also I want to point this out to anyone who read my post I qouted the bible not to impose my religon on others I put the source in just in case anyone wanted to read it for themselves, because people say the bile says this or that and alot of times it doesn’t. They just heard it from someone and passing it on as scripture.

namarada
wrote on February 4 2009 @ 11:29 am: [report]

Marriage is not for everyone. I am divorced and I would rather be single and happy, than be in a bad marriage for years. If marriage works for people, great. If anyone wants to be single, that is fine. I was bitter for a long time after my split. I am at the point that I don’t want to get married. Each situation is different, therefore cannot be judged the same. Let people be and respect each others choices.

MollyMortician
wrote on February 4 2009 @ 03:15 pm: [report]

Wish I had realized it’s not the end all be all… after 11 years together and 8 of them married, I don’t really know what we’re doing anymore.

D-mann
wrote on February 4 2009 @ 03:18 pm: [report]

I agree with you namarada everything is not for everybody but if you read what I wrote I am not putting down being single I am just lifting up marriage which was the topic of this thread is marriage dying and I am just saying that people who were married and 100% honest could they say that the did what I qouted from the bible. I just don’t believe that its not marriage thats failing its the people in the marriage. Thats like saying if you failed you math test(I am speaking in general not focused at anybody)then its the test’s fault. It may have been a hard test U may have deemed it not worth it to study and work hard at, or maybe you chose the wrong test but its not the test that gets the F its the person taking the test. If you get married U have to get married for the right reasons to the right person at the right time even then success is not gauranteed just like life.

D-mann
wrote on February 4 2009 @ 03:22 pm: [report]

@molly it all starts with communication and it takes two.