Man Kisses His Mother On The Lips, Grosses Out Wife
Posted by: Wendy Atterberry
Filed in:
relationships
10:50AM, Wednesday July 29th 2009
I’ll never forget the first time I met the mother of a particular ex-boyfriend. We were vacationing together in the South of France (glamorous locale, yes, but not the place you want to spend a week with your boyfriend’s family!) and I was sort of stunned by the physical relationship between my then-boyfriend and his mother. I should say they’re from a different cultural background than I (they’re Middle Eastern) and maybe that was part of it, but they literally could NOT keep their hands off each other. They hugged, kissed on the lips, caressed each other. It was seriously bizarre. At one point, my ex-boyfriend’s mother even talked about his “golden penis” (over dinner!)—a term she said was some kind of figure of speech in their culture. Um, ohhhkay. Needless to say, it was trés uncomfortable for me and when we broke up several months later it was with much relief that I realized I’d never have to endure another mother-son make-out fest ever again. Remembering all this, I read today’s letter in Salon’s advice column with a lot of empathy. Read it yourself after the jump.
Dear Cary,
I’ve been married to my husband for three years and I don’t know why this is the first time I noticed it. Yesterday we went to see him mom, and when he greeted her, they kissed on the lips. I had never seen this before—hand, cheek, forehead, yes, but never lips. I was stunned.
We are from different cultural backgrounds, so I’m not sure what to do. I suppose I am annoyed by all obvious displays of affection. But even worse is that it is my husband and his mother. To me, it’s unacceptable. It makes me uncomfortable. It makes me jealous. It makes me think very inappropriate, Oedipal things. Do I tell him? Will that make things weird? Shall I not mention it? Do other people do this a lot? Should I just be more open-minded? My husband is 27.
Grossed Out
As usual, advice columnist Cary Tennis gives a totally long-winded response, but his recap sums it up well:
Seeing your husband kiss his mom on the lips can indeed be a charged moment. That doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. It does mean that you probably need a way to talk about some of the feelings that arise in marriage that are powerful and unfamiliar. I suggest you look into that.
I suggest: “It’s gross when you make out with your mom. Please stop.” Wish I’d said that…
TheFrisky.com is part of the Turner Sports and Entertainment Digital Network
JessicaGuillen
wrote on July 29 2009 @ 10:14 am: [report]
I think this article is absurd! It’s his mother not his dog or a possum for freaks sake! I kiss my mother on the lips and don’t see a damn thing wrong with it. She is my MOTHER. You should be happy he even has a connection with his mother and isn’t some sort of cold hearted mother hating monster.
I understand where you might see this a bit strange coming from a different culture or even family because some people are just generally not cool with showing love in that way or showing love in general. But open your heart and your mind a little and see past the strange aspect of it to the pure and simple fact that hey maybe your boyfriend loves his mama.
MichelleS1017
wrote on July 29 2009 @ 10:44 am: [report]
and how did it go from a kiss on the lips to “making out”? i agree with jessica on this one. is this lady so insecure that she is going to be jealous of his mother when there has been no indication in the past of any “Oedipal things”?
sure it may not be something that one is used to and that is understandable, but i say have an open mind!
maybe there are problems with her husband that go beyond his relationship with his mother and this just brought it to the surface?
Judy McGuire
wrote on July 29 2009 @ 10:50 am: [report]
Coming from a repressed Catholic background I’d be kind of skeeved if my boyfriend kissed his mom on the lips. And about a thousand times more grossed out if mommy dearest referenced his “golden rod” in any way! Ack! But the woman in the letter also admits that she’s angered by any form of PDA whatsoever, so she’s a bit of a freak.
Symian
wrote on July 29 2009 @ 10:51 am: [report]
Seems almost ignorant that someone could date a person from another culture and not do any sort of research on familial customs, and then to ask him to change? No one likes to step outside of what the feel is “right” or “normal” but think of how he would feel being told that his affection toward his mother was being expressed in an “incorrect” way according to this woman. It’s one thing if there’s tongue or groping, but a simple kiss on the lips between mother and (adult or young) child is a sign of love and closeness. Maybe this woman needs to go to therapy to get over the prudishness.
LostInStars
wrote on July 29 2009 @ 11:01 am: [report]
I kiss my mom on the lips. It’s just a peck so I don’t see what the big deal is. I wouldn’t be totally skeeved out if my boyfriend kissed his mom on the lips. I’ve never seen him kiss her though, so I just don’t think that’s how his family shows affection. It would be weird if she talked about his penis though. Yeach. The woman in the letter is pathetic. Jealous of her boyfriends mother? Annoyed by PDA? I don’t like gross PDA but a peck on the lips isn’t exactly nauseating.
*sam*
wrote on July 29 2009 @ 11:15 am: [report]
I still occasionally kiss both of my parents on the lips, so I don’t find it that gross at all. Although, like others, I would be kind of wierded out if my bf’s mother started discussing his genitals at a family dinner. then again, my bf and his mom are *VERY* close, and they talk a/b *everything* including sex, so, now that I think a/b it, I probably wouldn’t be all that wierded out—but that’s b/c I know them and understand & respect their relationship for what it is.
Lilypie
wrote on July 29 2009 @ 11:36 am: [report]
I really think one had to see the kiss to make a judgment. A peck on the lips? Not gross at all. But if he kissed his mom like he kisses his wife and/or lingered in any way, then yeah, that would bother me too.
secretsquirrel
wrote on July 29 2009 @ 12:14 pm: [report]
Everyone in my family kisses on the lips. I’m 39 and I just saw my 36 year old sister. Kissed her on the lips. *shrug* We all do it in greeting. Even cousins, aunts, and uncles we haven’t seen for years.
Raugiel
wrote on July 29 2009 @ 01:25 pm: [report]
Kiss on the lips with no tongue or other “make out” type actions does not qualify as gross or “making out”. Talk about my man’s penis would probably be weird, but this is the woman who bathed him as a child, its not like she hasn’t seen it. We shouldn’t be asking affectionate men to give up those qualities when nothing odd is going on!
doridori
wrote on July 29 2009 @ 02:54 pm: [report]
I kiss my all of my family and even extended family get the same greeting. There is nothing wrong with giving a peck on the lips as long as it’s a peck. I think that girlfriend has serious issues with her sexuality and is projecting them on her husband. That’s my non-professional opinion.
Inakika
wrote on July 29 2009 @ 03:57 pm: [report]
I kiss my brother on the lips, a quick peck, no big deal. I don’t see the problem with it. He kisses our mom and other female family members on the lips also.
I agree with those here that don’t see anything wrong with it.
Raugiel hit the nail on the head when she said: We shouldn’t be asking affectionate men to give up those qualities when nothing odd is going on!
Amen to that!
Lynn
wrote on July 29 2009 @ 04:13 pm: [report]
Eh. I would think it weird of my BF kissed his mom on the lips, and maybe I’d be uncomfortable with it, but I wouldn’t FREAK OUT like this lady is.
Dom
wrote on July 29 2009 @ 11:18 pm: [report]
My boyfriend is 31 and kisses his dad on the lips. They’re close, and on greetings and goodbye (they don’t see eachother much, only two or three times a year), they peck eachother on the lips.
It’s just not a big deal. Really. Think of it as a “family kiss”. It’s closed mouthed, short, and just says “Love you, and happy to see you again!”.
BFD. Get over it. If I five year old kissed mommy and daddy, you wouldn’t freak, would you? Why is being an adult any different?
paul
wrote on July 30 2009 @ 01:30 am: [report]
It definately is a cultural thing. In South Africa the Afrikaans speaking people kiss males and females equally. Father son, son mother brother sister all on the lips. However it is only a “peck”, no lingering smooch or passionate embrace. My own family are ‘huggers’. We hug male and female relatives and friends equally.
_jsw_
wrote on July 30 2009 @ 11:25 am: [report]
I still kiss (peck) my parents and hug them when I see them. I’m white, from Iowa, and was raised Catholic, FWIW, and have no issues with it. However, my brothers and I shake hands. So, yeah, I range from open to uptight.
*sam*
wrote on July 30 2009 @ 11:32 am: [report]
_jsw_: I’m the same way w/ my siblings… but I think it’s probably just b/c we were always fighting as kids and a peck on the lips just never happened, so if we started now, it would just be weird…
although, my older sister does smack/pinch my butt… but only b/c she knows it startles me and has on numerous occasions made me spill water all over myself when she did it (I was doing the dishes)... damn her.
Ghirardelli
wrote on July 30 2009 @ 11:00 pm: [report]
That’s just nasty.. I don’t have that level of comfort with kissing anyone on the mouth besides my boyfriends. I am affectionate with my family and friends (hugging!), but only to a certain extent. It’s not so much a cultural thing, it’s all to do with what kind of family you grew up in.
Shab
wrote on August 2 2009 @ 10:19 pm: [report]
Was your ex boyfriend Persian? The golden penis (in Farsi it’s called “doodle tallah”) is weird but it’s a term of endearment type of thing mother’s generally use with their sons when they are really young (around age 3-9). So it is pretty weird that she still uses that with him since he’s a grown man, but it’s not completely out of the ordinary.