A Man’s Take On Advice In Women’s Magazines
Posted by: DivineCaroline.com
Filed in:
guys
2:00PM, Tuesday January 6th 2009
“Why won’t he commit?”
“Get your man to say ‘I do!’”
“Why don’t guys call when they say they will?”
Peruse any magazine rack and various Web sites and you’ll see headlines such as these splattered all over. Inside you’ll read article upon article about how women can decode, seduce, corral, turn on, and coerce men.
One is left to believe that men don’t want to be married or in any sort of committed relationship, men don’t want to treat women well, men don’t want families, men don’t want to settle down, and worst of all, men don’t even have the desire or the ability to communicate any of this about themselves. Good thing we smell so good.
As a man, I’m starting to feel gosh … a little … frustrated … angry … defensive.
I don’t see much out there to counter these sorts of articles, perhaps because men’s magazines are outnumbered by women’s magazines by about fifty to one (my unofficial estimate).
So please allow me to defend my gender so I can put some different lines in your head.
See, I happen to know men who are actually nice, intelligent, and kind—men who want families, treat women well, and are ready to settle down. I’ll leave their information for you at the bottom of the page. (Now, you’ll read on!)
Ah, ha. But my last parenthetical statement is just as false of an assumption about women as all the negative media rhetoric is about men.
I happen to know women who don’t want to be married and/or in a serious relationship. I know women who aren’t the articulate, clear communicators they’re supposed to be. I know women who aren’t that into kids and don’t want a family.
So pardon my frustration, and other men’s, when we read articles portraying us as the incapable, the insincere, and the incompetent gender.
I’m not denying that some men don’t have any of the above maladies, but these headlines and articles are about the men who either aren’t ready or are jerks.
By projecting overly simplistic, generic proclamations about men and their supposed deficiencies, these articles and beliefs deflect the attention from where it needs to be … on the women who are choosing to chase after the guys who aren’t ready to settle down.
In real estate, it’s about location, location, location. In relationships, it’s about timing, timing, timing.
You like the guy who is independent, happy, uncommitted, unrestrained, adventurous, ultimately interesting? Okay. He likes himself too. And the kicker is … one of the reasons you like him is because he’s not listening to any rules you or other women have for him.
This is where “nice” guys make the “mistake” of being too available, too nice, and not edgy enough. Quite honestly, they might be trying too hard to be who they think you want them to be.
More than you ladies care to admit, you speed past these guys chasing after the playboys. You like the chase? Granted. Just admit that—but please stop saying the nice guys don’t exist. The problem is women don’t always know what they want.
Don’t feel bad, a lot of other women are chasing these unavailable men around too … which is probably why these guys don’t think you’re so special … they’re surrounded and you’re just another pretty face in the crowd.
Here are some responses to the questions above:
“Why won’t he commit?”
Guys are not so hard to figure out as these articles would have you think. If a guy wants to be with you, he’ll let you know. When a guy wants something, he goes after it.
If a guy doesn’t want to be with you, he’ll let you know that too. How can you tell? By his actions.
Most men who don’t want relationships are pretty obvious in their actions and words about that fact. If he doesn’t call you on a regular basis; if he only calls you last minute to do something; if he doesn’t put any effort into seeing you, it’s pretty clear he doesn’t want anything serious. You can read into his actions any way you want to, make all the excuses you want for him but the obvious answer is that you should go elsewhere if you want a relationship.
There’s nothing to decode. It’s hard enough for a guy to communicate what he really feels without giving himself the burden of trying to trick or manipulate you. Guys don’t want complicated.
If these disgruntled women would admit that they go for the unattainable, uninterested in anything serious guys, then no one would feel so misled. But that’s a hard thing to admit about oneself, and instead of figuring out why they’re choosing to go for these guys, they find false comfort in these articles that make them the victims and allow them not to take responsibility for their actions.
It could be a simple fix or more than likely, it’s a deep-seated issue that they’ll have to work out and work on. It’s not easy to change. And while these women are working on this, they’ll probably find that they are not ready to be in the serious relationship they thought they wanted.
Men won’t commit … because you women won’t commit.
Let’s be honest ladies, you’re sending men some mixed messages and impossible contradictions.
You say you want a man to be strong, yet you also want him to cave in when you want something.
You want a man to be attentive and kind and open but not too available or too much of a pushover.
You want a man to make good money but not be too wrapped up in his job so that it takes time away from you.
Maybe the guys who are on the exciting side are exciting because they don’t care much for what women are telling them to be, they’re just be-ing. They are out and about. Traveling. Making money. On dates. Working out.
In other words, these guys are a bit selfish. They don’t need to be in a relationship with you to make their lives interesting. The nice, responsible guys who can give you the security and commitment you seek … well, you tend to find them boring.
“Why don’t guys call when they say will?”
First off, men unduly get a bad rap on this because the burden is on them to ask for your phone number and make that initial call in the first place.
I answer this question with a couple questions: “Why does a girl give her phone number to a guy she’s not interested in?” “Why do women not call back after they’ve given their number out?” Come on ladies, you’ve all done it.
There are many reasons why a guy doesn’t call and a girl doesn’t return a call: sobering up, second thoughts, a more interesting option they’d rather focus on to name a few, and they’re all valid enough.
The reasons are really irrelevant. The bright side is you haven’t invested much or wasted much time if someone doesn’t call you or call you back. Easy come, easy go.
“Get your man to say ‘I do!’”
A man has to realize he wants to be in a serious relationship and/or marriage on his own. No coercing, no mind games, no special lingerie—yes, really—will change that.
But this is a good thing ladies. You want him to figure this out on his own. You don’t want to have to trick a guy into saying “I do” before he’s ready or you will pay for this later on—infidelity, resentment, divorce. Bottom line—do you really want to convince someone he should marry you?
It’s your responsibility, male or female, to figure out who you are and what you want in life and in relationships. Then, act on it and communicate it honestly.
These articles really aren’t solutions but complaints and desperate attempts to change things outside of your control. What these articles should do is assist you in finding out who you are, what you want, and then, whom you should go after.
Ladies, when you do this, you’re more likely to find the good guy who will call you, commit to you, and say “I do.”
Want to read more articles like this one? Visit DivineCaroline.com.
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Arty
wrote on January 6 2009 @ 02:28 pm: [report]
Pretty good, but you forgot the most important question: Why are the good ones always taken?
wanman
wrote on January 6 2009 @ 03:50 pm: [report]
They never seem to know what they want till it’s too late in some cases.
I used to read women’s magazines etc so I knew what kind of propaganda was being spread and so I knew what the expectations were. There is an awful lot of crap and blatant lies in a lot of them. Of course men’s magazines are just about total crap too when it comes to how women think or work.
joyy
wrote on January 6 2009 @ 04:46 pm: [report]
@wanman - at least the better men’s magazines (GQ, Esquire) have some decently written, intelligent, interesting articles in them, in addition to their #&@$% on dealing with the opposite sex. Mindless rauncy entertainment has its place, for sure (thanks for making the airport more fun, Cosmo!), but a little substance would be nice too.
MarriedWhiteMale
wrote on January 6 2009 @ 06:13 pm: [report]
In reply to missinformation - the good ones are taken because for reasons us males do not understand, too many women are dating “thugs” or “rough” men. Think of the guy who is wearing the cutting edge clothes, drives the porsche and is materialistic. Women go for that in a heartbeat in lieu of the guy who is more mainstream. I think its because they like to dabble in the king of men their parents wouldn’t approve of, versus the good ones. Oh well - my philosophy is “her loss”.
divorcedman
wrote on January 6 2009 @ 09:01 pm: [report]
Maybe too many men have been talking to us divorced guys.
Family Court is for women, not men. When was the last time you heard of a man getting the kids, the car the house and alimony in a divorce!?
ChoJinn
wrote on January 6 2009 @ 11:56 pm: [report]
Eventually, an enterprising post-grad psychology student will attempt to quantify both phenomena. Really, I think both have to do with the discrepancy between the quality of mate a person THINKS he/she can get, and the quality of mate a person CAN get, and how the discrepancy changes over time. “Quality of mate” being the standard alpha qualities (height, looks, brains, and risk taking behavior in males).
The quality of mate a person thinks he/she can get decreases more slowly over time than the quality of mate the person can actually get. I think once that discrepancy becomes apparent a person settles.
Very crude analysis, to be sure, but it helps to explain two things: 1) girls complain about there being no nice guys, but what they really want are the unattainable, more-alpha males to “de-alpha” and come down to their league; and 2) guys complain about women only liking “bad boys,” but that’s only because that can’t increase their own alpha qualities.
The alpha males and alpha females have nothing to worry about, the “gamma” males/females are reproductively lost, and everyone in between, the “betas,” gets to complain about the other gender’s apprehension to settle.
EastCoastMale
wrote on January 8 2009 @ 01:41 pm: [report]
I definitely enjoyed the article and agree with pretty much everything that you pointed out, from the viewpoint of being a male as well. I would personally like to know, is it because there IS such a variety of magazines professing to know the secrets about the inner workings of men that some women buy into it and therefore see men in that certain light? or is it that some women really do see men that way that they have just decided to express the views in countless magazines. I want to emphasize “some” because all women are no alike just as all men are not, women don’t enjoy being stereotyped just as men do not. To the subheadings presented in the article I say, give me a break, in agreement with the author. “Why wont he commit?”, why does anyone wait to commit, it’s most likely not because he is simply a man but because there are separate and unique circumstance just as there are between any two people. Lastly, “getting” someone to say I do is just a bad situation waiting to happen. I laid out my views on this in a post a while back but if they are going to propose don’t rush it, don’t hint because you think men need to be led like horses with blinders because we aren’t. A proposal is not a gift to be unwrapped that you just cant wait to see, its a life changing event and should happen in due time. Just my opinion.
Perceptible
wrote on January 8 2009 @ 01:50 pm: [report]
@divorcedman, my bf has custody of his kids and kept the house. no alimony but his ex didn’t make that much money. my neighbor lost the house, but got joint custody. if the father is willing and able, courts are being a lot less sexist and more realistic about what’s best for the kids these days.
bunnymatic
wrote on January 8 2009 @ 01:55 pm: [report]
ChoJinn hit the spot. One lesson I learned, actually from a quote that a friend said to me once after a horrible breakup, is that knowing your self-worth plays a big role in a successful relationship. Learning how to NOT deceive yourself at first, knowing who you are, is a big step that needs to be taken. Perhaps then you’ll be at a better place to look for what you desire.
TampaGuitarGuy73
wrote on January 9 2009 @ 11:07 am: [report]
Why are all the good ones taken asks the women? Our 5th president said once ” No man is all things to all people”. A guy can’t be rich, always ready to drop everything for you ,be a rockstar, super goodlooking, 8 pack abs, huge penis perfect car, house, like the Jack Johnson music you crave, and a million other thigns. Women want it all. Guys jsut want enough. Guys will find a few things about a woman and be like I deal with this. It’s women who have to pluck at everything. Women are like the stock market, going up and down without any real feedback just what someone is speculating.
jaded
wrote on January 9 2009 @ 03:50 pm: [report]
seriously…I’ve been told by friends and girlfriends alike that I am “one of the good ones”, “good looking”, “amazing/nice/funny/etc/etc/etc”. I’ve been cheated on, lied to, and dumped plenty of times. I’m picky about who I think it is I’m going to date…I was single for about two years minus a month long quasi-relationship-fling. I’ve been dating a girl for the past two months and things were explosively amazing as far as chemistry and mutual attraction/interest goes. And now she’s starting to flake out and apparently is on the “eh…I’m busy/tired/sick/etc” track toward a full lack of interest in my time. So…I don’t get it but more and more I lose faith in the cult of women in their 20s.
Arty
wrote on January 9 2009 @ 04:21 pm: [report]
@Tampa
Please. I just want a guy who is smart (and even a bit nerdy), nice, laid-back, silly, good-looking enough, and good in bed (or at least trainable). Which, apparently, IS too hard to find.
@jaded
I’m sorry on behalf of the 20-something female population for all the awful things that women have done to you. I’d tell you we’re not all like that, but would you believe me?
vanya
wrote on January 9 2009 @ 04:25 pm: [report]
@jaded… have you considered dating older women? I’m sorry you haven’t been treated better thus far.
jaded
wrote on January 9 2009 @ 08:08 pm: [report]
@miss
I’m not a misogynist, so sure…I just believe on the whole people can be ridiculous lol.
@van
not ruled out but opportunity (not so much the right word…but…yeah) yet to present.
TWBuddha
wrote on January 9 2009 @ 09:17 pm: [report]
Well said. I agree that men are not complicated. While I’m sure there are “players” out there who manipulate, I’d say a good 90% of us just don’t have the energy (or mindset) to be sending mixed signals and playing games. We suck at “hints”. We’re selfish. We’re not “feelers”, by nature. Many of us love to talk - but very few want to hear every single detail of your day. It’s not that we don’t care; we appreciate how you want us to share in it. We just ... we want to talk with you about life, in general. Remember when you first met - how you stayed up all night talking about everything (and nothing)? We miss that. I remember hearing the Depeche Mode song, “Somebody” and thinking… yes… that’s it - that is what men want. Well… maybe it’s what I want. I do know that guys want to be heard, but then… so do women. We’re all needy.
I think relationships are tough. Forget gender. You’re talking about two people who are different. Period. To judge their “interest” in you and how “serious” they are, well… I don’t think “actions”, alone, are enough of a defining factor. I know my Dad loved my Mom, but did he shower her with roses and love letters? No; he worked to put food on the table. That’s how he defined his love. I think communication is key, obviously, from the start. If you need constant attention and daily affirmations ... and he doesn’t like to talk, well… good luck with that. The only way these things work is to put everything out there.
If an ex-boyfriend cheated on you, don’t assume that we’re him - that we’ll cheat, too. There are jerks, to be sure, and then there are the rest of us. We’re human. We #&@$% up. We say the wrong things. We’re not always in sync.
Be honest. Be realistic. Meet halfway.
Thanks for the article…
Steph
wrote on May 11 2009 @ 06:32 am: [report]
“I’d say a good 90% of us just don’t have the energy (or mindset) to be sending mixed signals and playing games. We suck at “hints”. We’re selfish. We’re not “feelers”, by nature. Many of us love to talk - but very few want to hear every single detail of your day.”
very true there, i know i’d go mad if i listened to every little thing my hubby says about his day. Most of these magazines are just mind dross, girls want to be comforted by all the stories and blokes just flick through them looking at the lingerie and bikini photoshoots.