Love 101: Self-Love Is Not Cheating
Posted by: Erin Flaherty
Filed in:
sex
11:00AM, Tuesday December 9th 2008
Memo to the ladies: Your boyfriend jerking off to Perfect 10 or the occasional American Apparel ad is not cheating. Masturbating to a hot message that he got from a new 17-year-old “friend” he met on Facebook is. See the difference there? We hear a lot of complaints, especially from women, about concerns regarding their partners’ insistent masturbation. “Would you consider this cheating?” some ask. While no question is a stupid question, such queries do give me pause. Catholic guilt aside, when did self-love become tantamount to infidelity?
Given the long history behind criticizing masturbators — you know, hairy palms, a hell-bound soul, blindness, etc. — haven’t we pathologized the practice enough? Look at the facts: Surveys show that anywhere from 70 to 95 percent of adult men and women get it on alone, and, yes, that includes people involved in monogamous relationships. According to Kinsey research, 40 percent of men and 30 percent of women in relationships masturbate. A survey of Playboy readers found 72 percent of married men masturbate, and a similar Redbook survey found 68 percent of married women do it, too.
While various old-fashioned social constructs might discourage women from being forthcoming about their “private” sexual habits, the vast majority of men have never been ashamed to brag about marathon masturbation sessions. As sex educator and counselor Sue Johanson said famously, “Ninety-nine percent of men of all ages masturbate regularly and the other one percent are liars.” So are we all a bunch of perverts? It depends on your attitudes regarding sexuality. The bottom line, most sexperts claim, is a successful relationship demands a certain amount of space. Sometimes you need a (sexual) moment to yourself, and there’s nothing wrong with that.
The average Frisky reader is most assuredly aware of how healthy and normal the practice of masturbation is, but when it comes to our partners’ self love, the lines can get murky. For example, how much is too much? I had a boyfriend that endlessly trolled online porn sites. And if it didn’t drive me to great consternation, eventually the implications of this behavior did start to irk me, insidiously creeping into my psyche. Did our sex life leave something to be desired? Am I blowing him often enough? Should I invest in some stripper shoes and a hot pink Frederick’s of Hollywood number?
The general rule of thumb for evaluating whether you have a right to bitch and moan about it is how it’s affecting your sex life. If you get the vague sense that he would rather indulge himself privately than get consensual with you — which may have more to do with your own insecurities than reality — that’s one thing. But if you haven’t had sex in weeks, and he’s consistently taking an extra 10 minutes in the shower, you may be feeling pissed off or hurt. The former warrants a “talk,” but the latter may be a side-effect of more serious problems within the relationship. However, if that’s not the case, I can’t stress this enough: Let the dude masturbate. And if you’re not taking care of yourself on your own now and then—well, you should be. Now go forth, and diddle your skittle.
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shannac02
wrote on December 9 2008 @ 11:46 am: [report]
BHAHAHA diddle your skittle!!!!! LOVE IT! How is whacking it, cheating? I don’t understand… everyone should whack it, if for no other reason than to relieve everyday stress… and, I’ve said too much!
EastCoastMale
wrote on December 9 2008 @ 11:47 am: [report]
I do totally agree with the opening paragraph. There is a definite difference in using a frisky-aid such as a magazine and them looking at a picture of some chick who just moved in across the way that they took with some binoculars or something lol. I think, in my opinion, this is an instance where feelings are attached by the accuser to an act that the guy is doing where as he is doing no such thing in hiss mind. Trust me, I doubt he is thinking “I so love this model and want to marry her and have babies”. If he is jerkin the gerkin that much then I would say either write it off as normal or join in the fun. =)
Arty
wrote on December 9 2008 @ 11:59 am: [report]
I think it really has to do with how it affects the relationship, as mentioned towards the end of the article. If someone is engaging in lots of self-love and hardly ever is in the mood to have sex with his or her partner, then it is a problem. “Cheating” might not be the right word for this, though.
shannac02
wrote on December 9 2008 @ 12:02 pm: [report]
Agreed. Obviously, if your man is whacking it more than you’re getting some from him, then there’s something deeper going on there, but as far as just the utilitarian “get off” every day… so, not cheating.
http://www.tabutoys.com/
wrote on December 9 2008 @ 12:13 pm: [report]
No doubt. And if he says he doesn’t masturbate HE’S LYING.
Rachel Kramer Bussel
wrote on December 9 2008 @ 12:29 pm: [report]
I would think it really odd if a guy didn’t masturbate, whether he’s dating someone or not. It’s natural and normal and don’t we all do it? You are totally right here.
deej
wrote on December 9 2008 @ 12:41 pm: [report]
People that get freaked out over someone stoking their own fire drives me batty. As with anything, being excessive and/or it affecting your life and relationships is a problem, but the real problem isn’t that you’re rubbing one out.
That said, if you can’t beat him, might as well join him! I love sex, but if someone wants to diddle their fiddle with me that’s about about as much fun as you can have - safe, free (except maybe the porn), and good for your health!
Good article, and let’s keep spreading the word that it’s cool to pocket pool!
Nutmeg
wrote on December 9 2008 @ 02:00 pm: [report]
New here. I’m newly single, having just filed for divorce last week. Been reading some of the posts to get a better idea of relationships.
This was a major source of issue in my marriage. I agree with the distinction made between what is cheating and what was not, but my wife did not. Because of her own issues, I was made to feel guilty and responsible for the lack of sex, not because I wasn’t interested, but because she didn’t want to be with me if I had (porn involved or not). And no, she didn’t take care of her own skittle.
To my own flaws, if I was asked about it, I responded like I was caught cheating and lied, at which point I was in a catch-22 and a liar to her.
Now, self-love is all I have.
Holly Page
wrote on December 9 2008 @ 02:39 pm: [report]
Thank you for a great article. I don’t mean to be gender-biased, but it does seem that women far more often than men are threatened by masturbation. Is it the fantasy of another woman (or whatever he’s fantasizing about), or the physical pleasure that is intimidating, I wonder?
Anyway, maintaining a solo sex life while in a relationship is totally healthy, and especially helpful when you have different sex drives.
EastCoastMale
wrote on December 9 2008 @ 04:09 pm: [report]
Agreed Holly. I definitely think you are at least somewhat correct in that assumption, I think a lot of it has to do with linking the misconception that he has some emotional feelings towards the person or item he is pleasuring himself to. Like I said above, I highly doubt that is the case and dont fear him wanting kids with a porn star. A healthy sex life leads to a better all around quality of life in my opinion, of course everything has parameters in life. =)
Katia
wrote on December 9 2008 @ 11:31 pm: [report]
I’d be more disturbed if my partner didn’t masterbate than if he did. It’s perfectly natural and not a big deal. Although, I think I would have a problem if he spent an inordinate amount of time watching porn and masterbating. I find porn addiction to be symptomatic of deeper problems.
par3
wrote on December 10 2008 @ 04:54 am: [report]
ok then, i’m going to DL pics of naked dudes plaster a new one on my desktop every morning, leave my (old) issues of playgirl in the bathroom with vibes and dildos lying around then come bed time tell him i’m not in the mood. then we’ll see just how OK with he should be. (not speaking from personal experiences but for argumentative purposes)
EastCoastMale
wrote on December 10 2008 @ 11:07 am: [report]
@katia, I would agree to a point. Some people are just superfreaks but those who are more severe definitely are manifesting their problem in that way, good point.
@par3
I do see where your going with this, I think. I want to ask, are you saying it for argumentative purposes because you think he would become just upset? maybe only at the clutter. I can safely say, in my mind, I doubt a guy would freak out at the sight you described. If it was a constant issue of you already got off and shun him for sex then obviously he would be upset but I still wouldnt consider it to be cheating. A normal person could ahve a bit of solo fun and still be up for a romp but someone who only gets their kicks from flicks and then turns a cold shoulder is saying something more fundamental about the realtionship in my mind. I still dont consider it cheating.
Nutmeg
wrote on December 10 2008 @ 11:46 am: [report]
@par3
I know you said that’s for argument’s sake, but anyone doing that has issues that go beyond porn obsessiveness or masturbation.
As someone that has felt the repercussions associated with two people not sharing the same viewpoint on this issue, I can safely say that I never left anything out (I didn’t download, bookmark, or save anything, nor have I bought any vids or mags).
In our case, it really was about she thinking that it was tantamount to cheating. She’d blame the porn. Then when I wasn’t using that, she’d blame masturbation in general. And then when I wanted my self time to not be open to discussion, I became a liar.
Katia
wrote on December 10 2008 @ 01:09 pm: [report]
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve got nothing against porn…just addiction. I once had a male friend (no longer, for obvious reasons) tell me that his porn addiction had so desensitized him to women that he saw them merely as masterbatory “c*m recepticals”. That still makes my skin crawl. I think this guy’s problems go way beyond porn.
EastCoastMale
wrote on December 10 2008 @ 01:20 pm: [report]
Katia yea I think that would definitely be safe to say. Sounds like MAJOR problems in fact. Anything to excess can cause problems for obvious reasons, anyone in my “perfect strangers show obsession” support group will tell you, a little solo fun however doesnt constitute cheating to me.Problems already existing in a strained relationship will only be hilighted by this fact. I say mix solo fun with an already healthy sex life with your partner and its a win win.
suzybabies
wrote on December 10 2008 @ 03:08 pm: [report]
who doesn’t love a little self-induced poke and prod. its a blast and totally therapeutic. hey check out the top 10 worst condom ideas studyandscore.blogspot. com
Dave The Rave
wrote on June 11 2009 @ 02:44 am: [report]
I have a book I look at and when I first used it as an “aid”, a few pictures made me hit my climax to the max! Now, I still look at one or two and the ‘shock value’ is minimal, but thinking of a vertain female while looking at a pix often helps. I’m a virgin, so this is the only way I can climax.