Love 101: Ex Sex—Don’t Go There, Girl!

Every time I’ve ever had sex with an ex, the results have been nothing short of disastrous. There was the time I had sympathy sex with the guy I didn’t love him anymore (resulting in him being certain I still was); the um, “incident” where I made a complete fool of myself when I gave an ex a blow job even though he definitely didn’t love me anymore (the lowest of low ex sex); and the horrifying moment when I cheated on my then bad boyfriend with the sweet ex that I had dumped for the boyfriend but felt I had almost definitely made the wrong decision. (Hey, it was very, very confusing!)

A lot of people swear by ex sex. Some claim to keep it casual, but my question is, if you broke up it was for a reason that was probably somewhat emotionally charged, how can you ever truly be flip? The bottom line is, someone is still attached. If not, why exactly are you allowing yourselves to sleep together again? Sadly, the answer is that one party is just interested in sex, while the other has a desperate ulterior motive: to convince the former to realize that they should get back together.

My question is, if you broke up it was for a reason that was probably somewhat emotionally charged, how can you ever truly be flip?

I have a friend who stuck with the whole, “But it’s just sex!” excuse. (Seriously, it was a friend—if it was me I would tell you, duh.) She dumped this guy, but always seemed to answer the phone when he “emotionally booty called” her late at night. So she would sleep with him, then complain to me about how hard it was to get him to leave the house the next morning, or how he was really bugging her with all his incessant whining about getting back together. Why? Because, as I tried to explain to her, every time she slept with him, she sent him the message that, somewhere, buried under all that KY jelly, there was still some shred of hope.

But don’t get me wrong, as icky as it might be realizing that you’re using someone you used to (or at least, claimed to) love, far worse is the one in the hoping-sex-will-lead-him- back-to-you camp. Sorry, but every time I slept with an ex, I never heard him say, “Aw, I’m still madly in love with you and desperately need to be with you again.” I did hear vague proclamations that we should get back together and he still loved me and this and that sort of pillow talk, but never any follow through. Especially if you break up with a guy that has commitment issues, why should he um, to borrow an outdated but still relevant in this situation maxim, buy the cow when he gets the milk for free?

The best advice I can give is during these tender separation anxiety-filled post breakup months, don’t bother erasing the number/email address you already know by heart, just turn the electronics off on nights when you are drinking and/or feeling insecure. Fine, if you are stone cold sober in the light of day and absolutely have to call and/or email, by all means, think it over twice and then do so. But chances are, sans booze and a lonely night, you’ll hesitate, knowing that this makes you look desperate or, if you could care less about this guy save for his cock, you’ll simply feel like an a-hole. Some love and sex experts will tell you that it’s not healthy to find a buddy to ameliorate post breakup pain, but if it’s that or sleeping with an ex, I’d tell ya to just damn it all to hell and hook up on Facebook or whatever your poison is.

Have a positive ex sex anecdote to share? By all means, prove me wrong. I’d love to hear it. Have I ever heard a good one? Well, I mean, once you omit all the extemporaneous bullcrap? Eh, no.