Liveblogging “The Bachelorette”!

Ding, dong, Wes is gone! The final three—Reid, Ed, and Kiptyn—go home with Jillian to meet her family tonight, I think, so there should be LOTS of aboots and oots to look forward to. Yay! See you at 8!

8:00 Okay you guys, tonight SHOULD be the night that we find out who has a limp ween. I am eating asparagus in honor of the occasion. One thing we’ve learned from the preview—Ed flies in his parents to meet Jillian. Y’all, Jillian just drew a heart in the sand with her initial and a question mark. Dork. Alert. This week they’re kick starting things with dates in San Francisco, Kiptyn is up first, which sort of sucks.

8:04 Um, so it appears they are doing something adventurous—a rope course? Which apparently is a metaphor for “things getting tough” will Kiptyn be there for her and will they operate well as a team. Gag. First, this date isn’t fun, second, the contraption Kiptyn is being forced to wear is grasping his balls in an unfortunate way. My friend Lesley thinks Kiptyn kisses weird. You guys, this date BLOWS. Like, it’s hard work and it’s scary, but without the thrill of, like, sky diving. I’m sorry, is this “Survivor”? How are they supposed to bone tonight? Wait, maybe Kiptyn is the one who can’t get it up—and I understand why, if so, because he’s probably tired. They just had to leap from the top of a pole and grab a trapeze—Jillian didn’t make it. I repeat, HOW IS THIS A FUN DATE?! Also, new drinking game—“LEAP OF FAITH” used as a metaphor, DRINK. Take three shots now to catch up.

8:11 Ooh, already know there’s a fashion YAY on the horizon with Jillian’s rose ceremony dress. Jillian is still concerned that Kiptyn has always been the dumper, not the dumpee. He shoulda never told her that, cause she’s latched onto it. Would that matter to you guys? Also, can they stop making that lame rope course date a metaphor for, like, being strong and needing support?

Jillian is asking for Kiptyn’s flaws. Is he the new Pilot Jake? Cause he’s awesome, but I wouldn’t say he’s flawless. He kisses weird remember? If he tells her his flaws is she going to hold them against him? The thing about these deep convos is that they’re the type of thing that normal couples have, like, once a year, not every single time they see each other. Also, the opportunity to “spend the night together” has arrived! Will Jillian give it up to Kiptyn?

8:19 She is! Kiptyn gets to go to the fantasy suite and make mouth babies!!! Hooray! Kiptyn’s penis seems to be in working order! All is right with the world! Will it be Ed or Reid?!

8:25 Reid is next. They’re in Hawaii I guess? I think? Wait, were they in Hawaii for Kiptyn’s date too? I thought I saw the Golden Gate Bridge at one point. Reid and Jillian are kissing a lot and usually you can tell if there is sexual chemistry from kissing, hmm. Loving Jillian’s dress by the way. My friend Lesley just said, “Why are they always going on helicopters? One of these days, that helicopter is going to crash.” And her husband just exclaimed, “Lesley!” Yes, her husband is watching too. He loves this show. Yawn, Reid and Jillian and their stupid helicopter ride are on top of the world. FYI, Kiptyn got shafted on his date. He had to f**king do a ropes course, and Reid gets a helicopter ride in Hawaii with an effing picnic and booze.

8:29 Lesley’s husband thinks Reid is going home. Given that he has a wayyyy better date than Kiptyn and is STILL more boring, I think so too. Unless, of course, Ed loses his bone and Reid stays by default. Reid is still being all wishy washy, likely because, as we’ve seen, he needs his parent’s approval for everything. Lesley’s husband is hoping Reid is taking Propecia, cause he’s got that hair loss thing starting to happen at the crown of his head. I love watching this show with a dude. So fun.

Dear ABC, please email me and let me know who makes Jillian’s dress because I would like to buy it, even though it will make my ass look big. Thanks. Love, Amelia

8:36 Ew, dudes, I am totes over Jillian. I am off the team, aside from her awesome fashion choices, she’s annoying as hell. How much effort does Reid put into that perfectly mussed hair? Jillian keeps talking about “chemistry” with Reid, which makes me think, as Lesley’s husband just said, “they’re setting up the impotence.” Jillian REALLY wants an effing proposal at the end of this and it is making me not like her. She wants an answer NOW about a proposal! She is crazy. Okay, so someone supposedly proposes, potentially this episode. Maybe it’s the person who loses their boner? Like, say it’s Ed, and he loses the hard on and so to get back in Jillian’s good graces, he gives her what she wants more than a stiff rogering, and that’s a proposal.

8:40 Jillian is not getting the answers she wants from Reid, but they just got the fantasy suite invite—and Reid looks WAYS awkward and nervous and so does she. They’re going to take the fantasy suite card, but it’s kind of not sexy, because she wants to talk, talk, talk some more and Reid obvi wants to just bone. BUT WILL HE BE ABLE TO?! Sigh. They’re making out some more, he’s cradling her butt….but is he getting hard?! DUDES! They’re are taking a naked bubble bath!!! She’s thinking she’s falling in love with Reid. Are they naked? Or are they wearing bathing suits? Okay, so Reid’s penis seems to work! Which means…

Chris Harrison: Next, Ed is falling fast…
Lesley’s husband: And so is his penis.

8:49 Jillian is looking for a sign. Like a limp penis? Oh man. Ed is wearing a tank top. Completely unacceptable. In all forms, unless you are a gangster living in East L.A. I am so serious. Ed and his tank down are going DOWN. Also, Ed has patchy chest hair. I like chest hair, but not when it’s patchy. So, we know Ed is going to fly in his parents because, as Jillian says, “How do you get engaged to someone without meeting his family?” How about, “How do you get engaged to someone you’ve only spent 4 hours with, total, all on camera?” Also, Ed’s parents call him Richie. I cannot decide which name is more BLAH—Ed or Richie. Ugh. Ed has falled from grace. AND HE IS WEARING EUROPEAN SHORT BOARD SHORTS. THAT AND THE TANK TOP ARE ATROCIOUS.

8:52 Blah, blah, blah, Ed has flown his family in to meet Jillian. He’s kind of pathetic. Maybe they’re right for each other. He is definitely not going to win the Hottest Bachelor Body Competition (in fairness, Kiptyn won already).

8:59 WHY IS ED DRESSED LIKE A GAY POOL BOY?!?!?!?! This is hilarious. He is dressed like a gay pool boy, he’s crossing his legs, and he is drinking white wine. I am dying right now. DYING. Jillian is literally putting on the charm, and Ed’s mom totally has like, Tammy Faye Baker eyes. Today will forever be known as “The Day Ed (And His Boner) Died.” Ed’s dad is disapproving of the whole situation. I suggest he start from square one and start by being disapproving of Ed’s outfit.

Jillian is still talking about marriage and engagements. Girlfriend, you have good style. Why are you okay with Ed’s outfit? Why? He’s more up Karl Lagerfeld’s alley than yours, okay? Jillian is seriously trying to sell them on HER, rather than the other way around. This is bizarre. NOW ED’S DAD IS CRYING. Sweet Jeebus. Question: Ed said to differentiate himself from his dad, his family calls him Richie. But his dad goes by Rich. WHY DO NONE OF THEM GO BY ‘ED’?! I am so confused peoples.

9:05 This is my read of the situation—Jillian wanted Ed to be the one for awhile now. I think the dead d**k situation is going to put a damper on that. BUT, will she maybe give him another chance? Oh my GOD, so next, Ed has a terrible comb over hair ‘do and talks about not “being able to show” Jillian he’s in love with her and that he’s worried she might eliminate him as a result. This is why I think he proposes, ahem, prematurely. I think Ed’s downfall is the worst in Bachelor history. And I’m just talking about the outfit.

9:12 Everyone. Ed is wearing a silk Hawaiian shirt. And Jillian finds it sexy. And he slumps like an old man. “Is he Benjamin Button?” Lesley’s husband just asked. Jillian is worried about taking a backstage to Ed’s career. You mean his job? His real job? I mean, I am off Team Ed, but he’s the only one on this show with a real job and she’s freaking.

Lesley: What if he gets so nervous he s**ts the bed and that’s what the big issue is?
Lesley’s Husband: The most SHOCKING Bachelorette date EVER.

Here is comes!!! Jillian is wet and ready to go! And Ed is sweating. Okay, so Jillian just changed into some low cut, sheer, white, nightie thing, and THE CAMERAS ARE STILL THERE AND SHE IS OILING UP HIS PATCHY HAIRY BODY AND HE IS SAYING THE WORD RUB.

I AM TOTES VOMITING. Ed is sweating his ass off, and there are oils, and it is majorly inappropriate, and SUDDENLY THE LIGHT IS BACK ON!!! Jillian says they have the love is there, but the desire to have the hands all over each other is not there. Or something. So why did they invite the cameras back in? He says he couldn’t show her, and that she might as him to leave. So he did lose the boner? There are a lot of things being implied. What if he did sustain a boner, and came to quick? And thus he couldn’t show her? Like, with his sweet, tender love making? Ugh, this episode went too far. This would have been cool with Kiptyn, but Gay Pool Boy love scenes are not my thang, unless I am watching gay porn, and I am NOT.

9:20 If Ed gets the boot this week, will he show up for “The Men Tell All” for Chris Harrison’s, ahem, hard questions?

9:23 I love Jillian’s dress. Love it. Need to find out what she wore this episode, because it’s all been fierce. Is Jillian going to discuss Ed’s lack of a boner with Chris Harrison? Awkies. So Jillian says she is falling in love with all of these guys but in different ways, which she has described, and honestly, THEY SHOULD NOT BE SO DIFFERENT. Ugh. So, general consensus here is that Kiptyn and Ed will make it through and Reid will go through. if the guy who can’t get it up and dresses like a rejected member of the Village People wins this show, I will die.

9:28 Jillian is dishing about the lack of chemistry with Ed and saying they both wanted to sleep. Okay, so Kiptyn actually HAD a physical date and still managed to give her some “physical intimacy.” Ed sat on a boat with her. Is she going to take a gamble? i think so. And her backup will be Kiptyn, who can deliver in the d**k department. If Kiptyn loses this show, he had BETTER be the Bachelor. The guys all recorded video messages for her. WHAT WILL THEY SAY?!

9:33 If Kiptyn goes home, Jillian will be choosing between Limp and Limper, I swear. Every week Jillian says, “This is the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make.” How can she not pick Kiptyn? He’s the hottest, he’s not boring, he had the worst date, and his penis is functioning. Her reaction to his video concerns me. It was not excited enough. She is a douche. Reid is giving it all he’s got in his video. He’s also wearing a purple t-shirt. Trying to compete with Ed, fashion wise, I see. And Ed was like, “Screw you, Reid, I’ll we ar pink!” What if Ed is totes gay and his dad was crying because he thought the gay exorcism was working? Ed basically was like, “I’ll take away your sexy time, but raise you a proposal.”

9:45 Neverending rose ceremony time. Sigh. We know Jillian is going to want some time on the side with Jillian. So, I think when we saw the reaction shot of Jillian post-sudden proposal, she was wearing a different dress. So maybe Ed comes back? Or someone else? Whatevs. Let’s see how this nonsense plays out. Jillian is confused y’all. I’m sure. She needs to talk to Ed before she makes any decision. She should give him a quick hand job to make sure his ween still works. Pressure is on Ed! Jillian is basically saying Ed has everything she wants, except [beating around the bush] the sexual chemistry that makes a penis and vagina go BOOM BOOM BOOM. Ed is blaming the pressure. Whatevs, in general, a man should be able to get a boner during a house fire. He is basically PROMISING that he can get a boner. Will she take him at his word? She should have given him a handy. I’m sorry. Also, that outfit is gay too.

9:49 FIRST ROSE: KIPTYNNNNNNNN!!! THANK GODDDD. LAST ROSE: ED. Whoa. You guys, she is sold on Ed. I am convinced. Reid is going home. He is a snooze, but still. Oh, poor Reid. You weren’t willing to promise a proposal. But Ed and his limp d**k ARE! Dudes it is 9:53. Is he going to propose? It’s too early for this too be over isn’t it? Are they just going to have THE LONGEST GOODBYE IN BACHELORETTE HISTORY? So, I think Reid comes back for the surprise proposal next week. Maybe Reid WINS IT ALL. This is totes exciting. Jillian KNOWS she made the wrong decision. Reid wants to cry. He should have lied and said he would propose. Homegirl woulda gotten over it.  And now Ed is coming over to console? To reiterate that his penis will work? You guys, he is gay. I am convinced now.

Me: The finale consists of a hot piece of ass with a 12 pack and a hard d**k versus a closeted gay guy in a lavender coat with a softee in his pants.
Lesley’s Husband: AND THE ODDS ARE ON THE GAY DUDE.

That just about sums it up folks.