Liveblogging “The Bachelorette”!

Another Monday, another two hours spent willing Jillian to Cowboy Wes home. Will our prayers finally come true? By the looks of the previews, this week is going to be CLIMACTIC, as it seems that Pilot Jake returns to call out Wes and maybe propose to Jillian. See ya at 8 pm!

7:57 Dudes, I had forgotten how exciting this week’s episode is supposed to be! Maybe this two hour episode will actually have some action.

8:01 Mike has a twin?! Jillian, how stupid do you have to be to trust Wes when he makes it blatantly obvious he’s just using the show for publicity? So I wonder who drew the unfortunate first hometown date slot? Because that sucks. Oof, Reid. Sorry buddy, you are likely going home. She’s got four more dudes after him, she’s totes gonna forget his face and his family. This date is already boring me. Reid is saying that even if one of his family members disapproved, he would think she was not the girl for him. Way to not know your own feelings, dude. Jillian is lying—Reid’s parents couch is fugs.

8:07 So far, Reid’s mom approves, but his brothers are reiterating my point—that Reid needs everyone’s approval, which is a weak characteristic in a person, in my opinion. And now Reid’s dad Larry is saying the same thing. Unless he does one of those amazing turnarounds, which seems to happen every season, I think Jillian will give him the boot. Now they’re celebrating Reid’s birthday with his family and his sister is making cracks about him being more affectionate than normal. I’m not seeing it. NEXT! Sorry Reid. She’s smooching on him pretty sincerely. How many dudes are going home this week? Michael is up next!

8:14 Michael really is adorable. I hope he can show his maturity this week. Okay, who’s cuter, Michael or his twin Steve? Oh man, I think maybe his twin is hotter. Actually, no he’s not. Michael is really precious, I kind of can’t stand it. He’s slowly working his way up my list of faves. He’s not my #1—that’s Kiptyn—but I think he’s #2. Oh, but I hate his flip-flops. Okay, Michael and his brother are going to switch places, but as identical as they are, his brother has shorter hair. Aww, and Jillian was able to tell them apart right away. I think I want to date Mike. He’s my kind of guy. Steve is a littttttle more chistled and fratty seeming, but definitely hot. He also doesn’t seem as goofy. Steve is doing a good job of talking up Michael—he says that the two of them have always wanted to get married young (since they were kids they’ve thought about this, which seems bogus to me, but whatevs) so they could spend time with their wives before having kids.

8:20 Jenna is Michael’s sister and she’s pretty adorable. Dude, this family is making Reid’s family look even more dull than before. You can tell that Michael’s mom babies him, but he seems to have come out alright. I think he’s going to the next round. Oh I hope so!!! Yay! Kiptyn is next! He lives in San Diego, which is my hometown.

8:26 Jillian says that Kiptyn is the guy she can have, who she is totally crazy about. That’s because he’s a hot piece. Take off your shirt Kiptyn. They are so cute. And his family has a cute dog! HA! His family blocked off the hot tub, which is pretty awesome and funny, considering it was steamy. Um, his family seems perfect for ME—they like to eat and drink wine. HELLO WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING RIGHT NOW?! Eating and drinking wine! They are giving her a food and wine test and she’s passed. I would have passed. I would have passed based on LOOKING not even tasting. Also, Kiptyn’s mom’s blouse is hideous, but I forgive. Jillian is worried they’ll think she’s a hillbilly. Kiptyn’s sister is beautiful. She just told Kiptyn to get her pregnant. Oooh Kiptyn’s mom just said something interesting, about “not always standing by your man, because then you lose yourself.” Despite her terrible bangs, she is smart. I think this family has some depth. I like. HOORAY!!!! KIPTYN IS SHIRTLESS! AND THEY’RE GOING IN THE HOT TUB! Mom is spying. I want to make out with Kiptyn, like now. Between “Bachelorette” hot tub scenes and reading “True Blood,” my current lack of a sex life is starting to hurt.

8:38 Jesse’s family owns a winery in California. Swanky. Why is Jesse wearing a blazer while driving a tractor? I kid. I like Jesse I think. He’s cute and he seems normal, but not boring. Jillian is concerned that Jesse isn’t ready for the seriousness that she wants, but he’s not really helping things, in my opinion, with his answers. Whoa, Jesse’s brother is rather Biblical looking. And his dad is from Hungary I think. I reallllly hope that Jesse never is inspired to grow the same facial hair as his bro. Because it looks like a pubic bush. Oof, I don’t think things are going very well with Jesse. I’m getting a bad vibe off the brother, like he’s not taking Jesse’s feelings for Jillian seriously. Can someone please tell me how many dudes are going home? Because then I can start calling this s**t. Jesse just referred to Jillian as “Little Honey Boo Bear.” Jesse’s brother would look way hotter if he cut his hair and shaved the p**sy off his face. Also, he’s a little mouthy—he just asked if the two had been naked together. I think he’s sort of flirting with her! Okay, Jacob is kind of funny. Oh god, they’re playing music together. This is goofy. I find families that play instruments together embarrassing. Anyway, I think this date is going better than I expected or have expressed. They’re pretty fun, if dorky. And OBVI, the wine wins them MAJOR points. Oooh MAKE OUT SESH! Jesse looks like a good kisser. Okay, so far, I think Reid is probably going home. I think Jesse is in and Kiptyn is definitely in. Michael I’m slightly worried about, but I will take him if Jillian doesn’t want him. Or his twin.

8:52 I really don’t understand how on earth Jillian can think her and Wes are so alike and that they get each other. Is she dense? Oh how convenient, Wes’ band is alllll ready to play. Ugh, I hateeeeeee Wes’ voice! And his band SUCKS. And Jillian, I am soooo disturbed that you don’t see right through this. He must be really putting on some smooth moves that we’re not seeing. Ahhh yeah, here we go. Here’s Pilot Jake! I still don’t think he’s a good match for Jillian, but I really respect him for coming back and ratting on Wes. The way Wes says Jillian’s name gives me the queasies. Eww. I am seriously thinking Jillian really WANTS to marry a “rock star” or a “country star” because otherwise, this performing crap would gross any other chick out.

8:56 Pilot Jake is confirming with Tanner, via phone, that this is a good idea. I assume Tanner is saying yes, though I’m sure he’s kicking himself for being too p***y to do it himself. HERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS—DRINK! Wes is a mega douche. I HATE HIM. Like, I think I hate him more than Papa Bach. How is that possible?

8:59 Oh jesus, Wes is the most talented guy Jillian has ever dated. Dude, she must have dated some talentless f**ks then. Jake is at Jillian’s door! Producers are sooo in on this reveal and I love it. Chris Harrison, you sly fox! You can tell Jillian is totally shocked and has no idea why Jake is there to see her. Jillian is utterly clueless that Wes is a dog. Ack, Jake is doing that Tom Cruise awkward laugh. And he just dropped the bomb. “Wes has a girlfriend. Her name is Laurel.” WHOA. Bitch has a NAME. And supposedly he and Jake have talked about her more than THREE TIMES. Dude is SO BUSTED. Now, does Laurel know about all this? If so, she has a lot of faith in him not to fall for Jillian. And was his family gonna go along with this charade too? WTF? HERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS! DRINK! Oh man, Jake has really kind of won me over with this. So, are we not going to meet Wes’ family now? I want to see the whole crew of liars. So, in theory, Wes should be going home early, if all plays out AS IT SHOULD. Will they still have a rose ceremony and will Jillian still get rid of someone on her own? Questions!

9:09 Sigh. I feel bad for Jillian. She really seems to have for this f**king loser. He just cleared his throat when she asked the question, which I am pretty sure is a sign of someone PREPARING TO TELL A MAJOR LIE. Come out and ask him Jillian about having a girlfriend. Don’t skirt around it. Okay, now Wes is blinking a lot. He is soooo busted. I feel so bad for Jillian. It sucks SO MUCH when someone is lying straight to your face and you don’t want to believe it, but you can’t NOT believe it and they STILL lie. Wes is a pathological liar. Piece of crap. Ahh yes, classic evil guy move—put the blame and responsibility on her! HA! Nice, put Wes and Jake in a room together Jillian. You’ll see who’s lying then. HOLY CRAP, is Jake’s shirt denim? Is he wearing a denim shirt with jeans? The Texas Tuxedo?

9:14 Jake is about to kick some asssssss. I kind of do hope he wins a shot to be back on the show after this. Oh man, THIS IS AMAZING. I love it. Jillian, send Wes home!!! He is a psychopath. He will leave you in the ditches. Oh dear, Jake is crying. Awkies. I think Jillian needs to interrogate Chris Harrison. That dude knows everything.

9:23 It is so effing hot in my apartment right now, I am literally dripping sweat. Sigh. Okay, we’re back. Jillian is trying to figure out whether she should let Wes go, or meet his family. And he’s giving her an out. It’s soooo obvious he knows he’s been busted, he doesn’t want to ‘fess up, so he’s putting it on her to ask him to leave because he doesn’t want her to meet his family if this is an issue. He keeps clearing his throat because he is EFFING LYING. This is, like, body language reading 101. Oh MOTHER EFFING CHRIST. Jillian is going to meet Wes’ family. I like to think she is going to get the inside scoop by meeting his family. Oh hell yeah, they’re telling him family what happened. I think his family is in on the lie. Oh sweet mother of god, his family is talking about how guys are always going to be jealous of him. And Jillian doesn’t seem to be buying it. Now his mom is defending him. This is reallllly bothering me. Is his family in on it or are they lying too? I am so confused PEOPLES. OH MY GOD, JILLIAN IS BUYING THIS CRAP!!!! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!?!?! She actually thinks Jake is LYING? To use a little “True Blood” lingo, has Wes glamorized Jillian?!

9:32 Okay, who is at the door now? IT’S ED!!!!!!!!!!!! This episode is too much for my heart! ED IS BACK! Did be bring his rose? He’s saying he made a huge mistake and hasn’t stopped thinking about her. DITCH WES, BRING BACK ED! Ed needs to fix his hair a little though. ED!!!!! She wants him to come to the rose ceremony and she’ll make her decision there. Oy, this is so exciting. Okay, so she’s bringing four guys to the next round and with Ed back in the mix she has to get rid of two. Please oh please oh please oh please get rid of Wes and Reid. Please oh please oh please.

9:43 I just don’t have much faith anymore you guys. I think she’s going to keep Wes. I think she might keep Ed too, which makes me think Reid and Michael home. Sigh. Pretty yellow dress on, by the way. Jillian felt that she fit in with all the different families. Sigh. Why can’t Chris Harrison just tell her that Wes is trash. You know he wants to. Whatever happens, I think Jillian will call Wes last if she does call him, to put the fear in him. That was a short segment. Commercial again already. Ugh, let’s just get this over with. Need to know if I have another two hours with Wes and his terrible singing voice next week.

9:53 You know Wes was shivering in his boots thinking the guy coming back was Jake. Jake is totes still crying somewhere. I think Kiptyn should be allowed to come to rose ceremonies with his shirt off. Also, please oh please oh please get rid of Wes. Roses go to: REID (WTF?), Kiptyn (FINALLY SHOWING SOME BRAINS), ED (!!!!!!!!!!!), AND THE LAST ONE….please dear God give it to Mike and get rid of that heinous Wes….LAST ROSE GOES TO…. WES. WTF?! WTF? YOU ARE SO EFFING STUPID JILLIAN. Jesse and Michael, the two youngsters, going home. MIKE. CALL ME. Or, well, email me. amelia@thefrisky.com. Wow. She kept stupid Wes AND Reid. Very surprised about Reid too. HERE FOR THE WRONG REASONS! DRINK! Oh Mike. You are so sweet and adorable. I will totes date Michael. Aww, he is making me kind of cry. Sigh. And stupid boring Reid is still there and HATEFUL EVIL WES IS STILL THERE. WHAT THE HELL. Michael, you deserve better. Sigh. I am kind of tearing up. He is a sweet, genuine dude. Next week, they’re going to SPAIN.

NEXT WEEK: They’re in Spain. Ed tries to make up for lost time. AND the Jillian/Wes drama continues. BECAUSE HE IS PSYCHO. Sigh. I cannot believe that guy has made it this far. Whatever. I think Ed or Kiptyn is winningt his whole thing.