Liveblogging “The Bachelorette”!

Ten minutes until our next epically long episode begins! Will only one worthless bachelor be eliminated or will Jillian realize most of these guys are trolls? Most importantly, will Wes FINALLY go home?

7:55 So irritated. Got a manicure and already messed up the thumb. UGH. So anyway, if Jillian doesn’t ditch Wes this week, and the foot fetishist, I might not be on her team anymore. Oh and I just noticed how HIDEOUS Wes’ jacket was during the rose ceremony last week.

8:01 Does Wes honestly think he’ll get any fame out of being a rejected douche on “The Bachelorette”? Okay, so five are getting roses—how many are left? Also, does Kiptyn have a slight lisp? I think maybe two or three are getting home. Total bloodbath compared to last week. Ladies and gentleman, Michael was doing the running man. Okay, so I think JIllian seriously was in love with Ed, or starting to fall for him more than others. Reid does deserve the one-on-one—but instead, Robby gets it. Poor Reid. I hate Robby’s hat.

8:10 How do we feel about Robby, aside from hating his hat? He’s a bartender—is Jillian really sure that he’s marriage material? My friend Lesley just said, “She has pretty low standards.” I kind of agree. She also just said, “I think these guys convince themselves that they’re in love because they want to win so bad.” Also agree. Apparently Robby is also in competition with his family, to get married first! This is a pretty sweet date—this train ride is lovely, not that they’re paying attention. Oh Robby, been so long since he could love—what is he? 25? Another Lesley-ism: “Love doesn’t have a job? I think Cupid has a job.”

8:19 Robby says “awesome” a lot. He has a 25-year-olds vocab. They do so much drinking on this show. It’s probably early afternoon and Jillian has had cocktails and champagne. Jealous. Oh god, is Robby getting the boot in the middle of nowhere?? Lesley: “PEACE OUT BITCH.” Harsh. Howwwwww is the foot fetishist still there? Dude, this is EMBARRASSING. Having to WAVE GOODBYE to the guys who still have a shot as they pass by in a train? Humiliating. Apparently the convos haven’t been deep enough—because the conversations are deep with WES, Jillian? If she doesn’t boot Wes and Tanner P. too, I will be soooo disturbed. IS MICHAEL CRYING?! Also, I am pretty sure Wes is so stupid, he can’t spell his own name. I bet he dictates his songs to someone else to write down. UGH. He is disgusting. Jillian’s capacity to read people is PATHETIC. Jillian isn’t ready to get married if she cannot sniff out what a sleazebag Wes is. Good luck selling your PIECE OF CRAP RECORD WES.

Drinking game: Every time Wes says “album,” take a shot (Thanks Jamie Lee!). Every time SOMEONE says “for the right reasons,” drain your glass. Oh look, I’m already wasted.

8:34 Jillian: “It’s like an old romantic movie. Riding the rails, with all the boys.” You mean, a porn. Reid finalllllly gets a one-on-one! She’s been saving it up for him. I think he would really have to bomb to not get a rose. Do you think this is the time Reid uses to get a good wack in? Cause all the other dudes are out and so are the cameramen? Seriously, why isn’t Jillian grossed out by the foot fetishist yet? I mean, I’m all for people having their harmless fetishes, but this guy does not shut the f**k up about feet and it is ICKY.

In case I have not mentioned it, I freaking hate Pilot Jake. He is soooo freaky and creepy. He seems very “Sleeping With The Enemy”—like, he would flip out on you if everything in the cupboards wasn’t lined up perfectly. He probably hates body fluids too, which means sex would suck with him. Anyway, Reid is analyzing whether he should wear his glasses on his date. He is pretty adorable. What’s our vote—glasses or no glasses? I think no glasses, mainly because I don’t love wireframe. I would love to give him a glasses makeover—he would look cute in some thick black framed specs.

ANYHOO, Jake STFU. Tanner makes me ill. And Wes, oh Wes, “a little publicity on the TV?” You are gross.

8:45 Jake is a robot. An evil Robot. An evil, anal, OCD, psycho ROBOT. “American Psycho: CYBORGS.” Amiright? There is nothing sexual about him. Either that, or he is super kinky sexual and has a collection of scat porn. This convo is “electric”? Really, Pilot Jake? I kind of love Michael now. He’s funny. Oh Kiptyn! We’ve barely seen you this episode! He’s saying that he’s not the type of guy who wants what he can’t have—that he responds to people who like him. Sigh. This does not exist in real, live, 20-to-30-something men. Kiptyn licks his lips before he kissed. Lesley just said, “Do you think he has a boner?” Yes.

8:51 Oh Michael, asking what she wears to sleep, praying she says, “Nothing.” Nothing says “shy” about Tanner. He talks about his foot fetish openly. Also, ABC is blurring out his crotch, even though it is CLOTHED. Does that mean it’s big? Or, like, kind of sheer? Does he have dark pubes? Eww. So, wait, Tanner is huge?!?!?! EWW. Maybe that’s why he’s stuck around. Dude, the foot massage is making me gag. He is literally about to cream in his jeans right now, you guys. Seriously, he is starting to choke up. BARF. Oooh, what is Pilot Jake going to confess? That he’s a serial killer? That he tortures small animals? That he likes to wear ladies underwear?

8:59 What is Jesse talking about? He is totally hot, but I really want him to either just have full face stubble or shave, because I hate the weird semi-goatee. Okay, in case I have not said it enough, Jesse, Kiptyn, Reid, and either Michael or Jake in the final four. I’m hoping for Michael. He has sooo grown on me, he’s adorable. Cause he’s funny and definitely immature, but he oozes sincerity. Can he serious though? And, like, husband-y? She definitely has more sexual chemistry with him than Jake.

Wes is about to get cocky. He thinks he’s golden and can say whatever he wants and still get a rose. RIGHT REASONS! Drink! Oh Wes, you hate a tattletale because you have a reason to be scared. I have to say, I admire Jake for being straight up. Oh Wes, you are f**king digging your grave, douche. Please, can they ALL just out him? What is up with this boy code crap? I get that it’s up to Jillian to weed out the bad seeds, but if you know someone SUCKS, you should clue her in. Also, KIPTYN WINS THE BEST BODY COMPETITION. Ryan Reynolds, what? AND Kiptyn gets the rose! Yeah, homegirl says it’s because she wants to meet his family, but she just saw that bod for the first time, and she wants an opportunity to wash her clothes on those abs.

Wes clearly has a collection of HIDEOUS ROSE CEREMONY JACKETS. Brown velvet? Really?

9:13 Jake is disappointed in himself for not being flawlessly perfect. I do not think she’s into him. He’s like a really bad Hallmark card. He reminds me of Tom Cruise—awkward laughing, stupid dimple. She is soooo not into him, I don’t think. She kissed Kiptyn long and hard, whereas she pulled away from Jake. Probably because his mouth tastes like Scope. Doesn’t he look like someone who constantly mouthwashes?

Reid’s one-on-one begins now with a little skiing/snowboarding. Now, I broke my wrist snowboarding. This is a potentially dangerous date. My wrist and tailbone are having painful memories. I think it’s cool he chose to snowboard over skiing, so he could try something new instead of looking like a bad ass. Reid getting a rose. I’m sorry. Also, Michael you are lying—you don’t want Wes to get a hometown date over Reid. EEK, ice sculpture buffet!!!! SWEET. Is Reid Jewish? Is that why he doesn’t celebrate Christmas? Red ears mean “high blood pressure” or “you’re horny”? Awkies. Reid and Jillian, King and Queen Of The Ice Sculpture Buffet!

9:25 Jillian’s sweater is cute. Potentially overly buttoned, but whatevs. Oh dear, Reid is anal too. I HATE people who are weird about germs. I mean, I am very clean, but I also go into our work bathroom barefoot and you know what? I NEVER get sick. Suck on that Reid. HA, I don’t wash my fruit and veggies either! Uhhh, Reid is telling Jillian that she is not his type. He likes blondes. Damn. Reid is really not worried about the distance and all the necessities—because he is easy going or something. Jillian digs it. I think she likes him a lot. He is totes getting a rose. A ROSE FOR REID. So, Reid and Kiptyn are two of the five getting hometown dates. I really think someone needs to tell Jillian—actually ALL OF THEM—need to tell her what he’s said and then let her judge based on that. This is just shady. And if you’re the dude she picks in the end and you knew that Wes was just using her, she’s going to find out, and she is not going to like it.

9:38 So, there’s some people that Jillian isn’t sure about. I wonder if she’ll give out LESS roses this week? That would be awesome, because five hometown dates suck. Dude, even Chris Harrison knows Wes is a tool and he is basically hinting to her that he’s a bone. Wes doesn’t know how to lie? Dude. As for Jake, yes, he is there for THE RIGHT REASON—DRINK!—but there is no spark, you can just tell. Tanner—HERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS—DRINK!—but also here to get a boner over her feet. Jillian’s concerned about Michael’s age. Hmm. I think more than two could go home tonight, based on what may come out later…

9:47 Rose ceremony timeeeeee…. Kiptyn and Reid are safe. Three roses to hand out, two heading home. Michael looks nice in his somewhat summery jacket. Jillian feels like after this rose ceremony, since she meets the families, she has more “hearts in her hands.” Oooh, ooh, Jillian has questions. She’s pulling aside Michael. I think she feels strongly about him, but is worried he’s not mature enough. Kind of falling for Michael with his “never had a one night stand” confession. Can they pleeeease out Wes??

Roses goes to: Jesse…Wes…COME ON SOMEONE OUT HIM!!!!! PANSIES. TOTAL WUSSES. Ugh. Her dress is awesome, FYI. Okay, last rose goes to…MICHAEL!!!!!!!!! Jake and the Foot Fetishist are going home. I am glad about that, at least. I think Wes was kept for drama. Maybe they’ll run into his “girlfriend” on the hometown date? I think Jake will tell her what’s up… Tanner really wishes he could see her feet one last time.  He should have told her that Wes is shady. He shoulda named names.

Jake, I was wrong about you in the final four. Kind of glad. He wants to know why. Dude, no spark. Obvi. Now tell her about Wes. And. He didn’t. So lame. What is wrong with these dudes? I mean, at this point it’s not catty ratting the dude out. He is a cretin. Jake is continuing to be creepy. If Wes will break her heart and you know him so much better than her, you should have told her, douche. Also, he is tearing up. He probably cries Windex.

ACK NEXT WEEK, AMAZING. JAKE RATS OUT WES. AND I THINK ED COMES BACK TO PROPOSE! LESLEY THINKS IT’S WES. AND SOMEONE HAS A BONER PROBLEM—I think Reid. Holy crap. This s**t is amazing. Okay, that was Kiptyn’s voice in the voiceover, but I actually think he’s final two, I don’t think he’s the one who does the random proposal. Cause I think he goes to the end and ABC is trying to mess with our BRAINS. UGH. Cannot WAIT.