Liveblogging “The Bachelor”

After a week off—I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I was detained—I’ll be back this evening at 8pm EST for another new episode of “The Bachelor.” It’s two hours! Again! WTF!?

7:54 There’s going to be A LOT of recapping. So I’m going to go walk my dog. Back in 10!
8:05 Oh eyebrows. Letting the Bachelorettes have phones is a new thing, totally cause of the single moms. I’m sorry, I just don’t think Jason can follow in love with Eyebrows like that. Not to be shallow—cause she seems nice—but I was her to take the eyebrows down a notch. Oh my god, Jason arranged for her kid to be there. Oh damn, I’m crying and it’s only five minutes in. Damn you ABC! Oh my god, this kid is pretty cute with her Shirley Temple curls. Oh man Eyebrows, I am rooting for you. Papa Bach, you are really bringing on the waterworks.
8:09 Most important question of the night. Should I have the following for dinner: Burrito? Thai food? Salami sandwich? Salad? VOTE NOW IN THE COMMENTS.
8:12 I would like Jason to bring me a burrito, on my burrito’s birthday. Yeah, so, Papa Bach is totally working the daddy angle. Almost to a gross degree. Dude, even Papa Bach needs a date without a little kid along for the ride. You kow the whole time he’s thinking, “When can I get mom alone long enough to slip her the tongue?”
8:14 I really like Eyebrows. She sees herself and her daughter as a little team, which is the way it should be. Her next man should love her child as much as he loves her, albeit in a different way.
8:16 Back at the Bachelorette Bitch Pad…YAY! Stephanie aka Eyebrows is getting a rose. I love her and her crazy brows! I feel bad for her though because she clearly wants someone to take care of her and her daughter and nurture them and to earn her trust. I will feel sad for her if it doesn’t work out after this. Sigh.
8:24 Natalie has a little bit of an ego. Don’t like her. Wow, “The Bachelor” is getting all charitable and arty. Oh my god, these girls are tots going to cream themselves while Jason gets his cast made. It’s like they’ve never seen a shirtless man before in their lives. Ugh, I have to pee. When is the next commercial? I like Jillian a lot. She was one of my picks from episode one. Also, this is a pretty sexy episode for The Bach.
8:28 Wow, Shannon with the nipple offer. Annnnnnd Megan wants to put a fetus on her plaster bust. LOVE HER.  Whoa, some of these chicks have got titties. THANK GOD, PEE TIME!!!!
8:34 In case you were wondering, I opted for a burrito. Oh. So a girl just confessed she had a breat reduction. She confessed it though in the way you might confess that you had a sex change, or an abortion, or were raped. I mean, she was very dramatic, with very little payoff. Ahhh crazy Megan. Crazzzzzzzzzzzy Megan. This girl is effing horrible. I mean, she has people praising God to have her in their life every day? For what? What does she do again? I can’t remember.
8:38 So many of these women blend in. Who the hell is Nikki? Annnnnnd, dead silence. Some of these chicks need to learn to stop trying so hard and just hang out and be themselves and not be so cute and on.
8:40 So Natalie gets the one on one date with Papa Bach. That means she will either GO HOME that night or get a rose that night. I would like for her to go home. She is too tan and I hate her cowboy boots. I really like Jillian. She seems a litttttttle young—but I do appreciate her outlook on marriage. And she seems sincere. Ugh I hate it when they give totally fugs jewelry to the Bachelorettes.
8:49 ZOMG where is my burrito? Ugh. Um, seriously, what does it take to get ready for Papa Bach? I mean, you don’t have anything to do all day BUT prepare for dates. You shouldn’t be late. I think she needs to re-tan. Okay so she may be really into fashion, and that may be an expensive necklace, but it is TACKY. And homegirl is the color of adobe. GROSS.
8:54 Yeah, so private jet. Global warming, WHAT?! Also, this show has no concept of any economic turmoil. Helicopter rides, etc. Certainly some of these Bachelorettes must be unemployed?
8:57 They need to do “The Bachelor: Trapped In An Elevator” where each Bachelorette gets stuck in an elevator with Papa Bach for a week—I mean, I could have fun with a barrel of hay if we’re going on a date in a helicopter beind hand fed foie gras—the true test of fun is when you can have fun together in a completely crappy situation.
9:01 So, I’ve decided I am going to call Natalie “Georgia Hamilton” because she is so tan. G.H. is effing stupid. She just said, “I love bears.” UGH. You want this chick to be a MOTHER to your CHILD?! If G.H. gets a rose, I will scream. One of the best dates you’ve ever been on Papa Bach? Really? YOU DIDN’T TALK ABOUT ANYTHING! Okay, I’m sorry. This is going to sound very unfeminist of me—but G.H. is the kind of girl you f&*k, not the kind of girl you allow to be the stepmother to your children. She’s a perma-18-year-old. LATAH NATALIE.
9:08 Papa Bach has earned my respect. Oh Natalie, have some class. You know how this show works. Natalie is one of those women who thinks they are God’s gift, who has never been rejected in her life, has never had a guy NOT panting after her. She has rightfully been brought down a peg.
9:16 Wow. Megan’s boobs are impressive. Fake? I like Naomi. She played that Natalie question well. Naomi has sexy tats too. Nikki is borrrrrinnnnnnnngggggggggggggg. She’s very newscaster. So she was with a dude for 11 years? Wow. And he wasn’t her husband. Huh.
9:22 Erika called Papa Bach out for checking out her boobs. Yikes. Papa Bach seems like a good kisser, I will say that.
9:30 Oh Shannon, so weak. Get it together, sister. I think Papa Bach really likes Eyebrows. I think he sees past her extreme arch and deep into her soul. I am straight up on Team Eyebrows.
9:34 I would be scared of Megan and her ginormous fake breasts too, frankly.
9:44 There’s a lot of fake boobs up in this biz. The women would be wise to keep their mouths shut during this open conversation—let the drama queens sink themselves.
9:51 Nikki breasts are OUT of control. And Shannon needs to suck it up. I mean, come on. Why are you puking? This is not, like, that serious. Okay, girls getting roses are:
Molly, Lauren, Melissa, Naomi, Shannon, Nikki (um, really?), Megan
Going Home: Erika, Kari
I stand by my original prediction—Jillian for the win.