Liveblogging “The Bachelor”

Hi guys! I’m going to somewhat lazily liveblog tonight’s “Bachelor,” because it’s the “Women Tell All” episode and because I am hungry and tired. But please, oh please, feel free to comment on any details I might miss in the comments! Oh, also, if you haven’t already, and you don’t mind a possible spoiler, check out my post from earlier…

8:09 I am mainly excited to hear from Jillian, Eyebrows, and then to see what the hell the old Bachelors and Bachelorettes have been up to.
8:14 So over Jason. I didn’t love Papa Bach before, but he is starting to really irk me. I am just all about the bitches. Aww, I kind of miss Naomi. And I definitely miss Stephanie. I wonder if her eyebrows are the same. Also, STFU Papa Back, “Jillian is the ultimate friend.” What an immature loser. When you are old and are pooing in your pants because you can’t hold it, you want a partner with whom you have a strong friendly cleaning your ass off.
8:16 I am pretty sure Papa Bach stuck his P in Molly’s V during that overnight camping date. C’mon now, Jason, how stupid do you think we are?
8:23 I will say that Papa Bach seems like a good dad. Of course, if that spoiler is TRUE, I think he’s either a push over or a media whore, but regardless, not good Papa Bach qualities. Um, isn’t it kind of obvious that Jason loves Molly the most? Maybe I just think that since the seed has been planted but…also, oddly enough, despite my prior hatred for Molly, I am warming to her.
8:27 There are a lot of things cuter than Papa Bach, but one thing that is way cuter is this website I love called F**k Yeah Puppies. Check it out during the commercials! Oh and as commenter Yellow pointed out, Chris Harrison is AWESOME. I think after all these seasons he must be sooooo in the know about what’s going on behind the scenes. I would love to see a “Chris Harrison Tells All” special, in which he reveals which Bachelors and Bachelorette’s he hated etc.
8:30 Aww, Trista (“I see babiessss and grand babiesss”) and Ryan! Ryan is forever the hottest dude to ever appear on this show. I would marry him. He kind of seems way too cool for Trista. But at least she has real babies to baby talk with. Oh god, I forgot that Ryan wrote HORRIBLE poetry for Trista. Ugh. OH my god, he and Max are REALLY cute together. I mean, it is pretty amazing that they worked out so well. Good for them! I can’t be cynical about these two.
8:34 Dude, where are the bitches? Oh oh oh! I LOVE Bachelor O’Donnell! He was Jerry O’Connell’s goofier, dumber brother! And he actually picked the right girl! And they’re still together. Love them. Haha, Sarah is calling Charlie out for drinking too much! And now he’s dry. He’s still goofy and dumb though. Love him. Sometimes goofy, dumb, and hot is a good combo. They seem like a real couple. Love it. Next up! Bachelor and Bachelorette off-camera orgies!
8:42 Oh god, all of these people are sharing fluids. SCARY. Ack! Shayne! Missed you! Wow, Holly from Matt’s season is now dating Jesse, DeAnna’s ex. Wow. Oh hell yeah, GRAHAM! Um, these ladies are catty. I feel like I need to watch this crap in slo-mo and take notes, so I can give you guys the incestuous rundown tomorrow. Eww Noelle and this dude with the accent are ANNOYING. Dude, I want DeAnna to be on this episode and dish on why she dumped Jesse and is now dating that dork from “The Real World.”
8:52 Finally, THE BITCHES! Gimme Eyebrows! The crowd loves Eyebrows! Yay! And they ADORE Jillian, just like we do. Shannon and I are are kindred spirits in No Upper Lip-dom. ZOMG, I LOVE Eyebrows! Can they do a DOUBLE Bachelorette, like Bachelorette: A Double Shot At A Rose or something, for Jillian and Stephanie? Please? ABC seriously.
8:56 Oh I liked Meaghan. She’s wearing another statement necklace tonight. And Eric is a little trashy. I don’t like her. Hahaha, I kind of like Lauren. How did I miss all these ladies? Some of them are awesome trainwrecks. Oh man, we can see Erica’s cellulite. Is that mean of me to point out? I’m just saying. I mean, I have it too.
9:02 Stephanie is an awesome woman. She’s so above it all and mature, despite her insanely juvenile wardrobe.
9:08 Did I like Natalie? I forget. She’s sassy. Oh. But she’s also dim. And shallow. Haha, and she’s an egomaniac! And a back stabber. Awesome. She is obviously someone who would be a PAIN in the ass to date. Whoa! She just sassed Chris Harrison! Bitch, please.
9:15 Natalie is totally insecure, which is why she acts like an ego maniac, as a mask for how crap she actually feels.
9:19 I am eating really hot Thai food. My mouth is on effing FIRE. HOORAY! Team Jillian! So here’s my theory. Jillian was the front runner, but then Molly and him and the overnight camping date, and she tots gave him an amazing beej, and Jillian was put on the back burner. I think Jillian and Hottie Graham would be good together. Don’t sweat Papa Bach, Jillian, he is a douche,
9:25 Chris is obviously a Jillian fan. 70% mustard and 30% Ketchup? What does that mean? Also, yes, Jillian is too much for Jason. Too much awesome. YES YES YES Jillian for Bachelorette! Yes! Soooooo being alluded to!
9:37 Confront, confront, confront! Why is it that the best friend NEVER gets the dude? I mean, what the hell is that? Damnit! The commenters just pointed out Jillian’s yellow shoes! But I missed them. Describe ladies. Open toe? Sling back? Pumps? Heel height?
9:40 Eyebrows! Dude, Stephanie and Jason weren’t destined to be together. Jason is too shallow, just like most men. Sorry guys, but it’s true. Stephanie was too old. The evidence is in the fact that the two remaining ladies are FIVE years younger than I am.
9:49 Who will it be? Molly or Melissa? Or both, in a twisted turn of events? I have to say, I see more of a spark between Papa Bach and Molly. Even though I don’t love Molly. Also, I hated Molly’s blue satin dress from the first episode, not to judge the girl based on her outfits. But, I mean, part of why I love Jillian is her fashion sense and her rad driving gloves and shoes. Oh Jillian. I can’t quit you.
9:53 Okay, so what do you think makes up the perfect Bachelor?
9:55 Yikes, it’s kind of obvious that Ty prefers Melissa. Dude, cannot wait until next week. I am kind of glad Jillian escaped Papa Bach’s evil clutches. She can do better. That said, I cannot wait to see what dramz goes down next week. Wait. Does Ty go to the final rose ceremony? Is that why he is wearing a little tux? Also, you guys, the preview of next week’s final episode TOTALLY backs up that rumor I posted earlier. No audience for the “After the Final Rose” show? Hmmm….maybe cause the “chosen” bachelorette gets dumped for the other bachelorette?