Liveblogging “The Bachelor”

In 20 minutes I’m going to be liveblogging another two hour episode of “The Bachelor” and it’s going to rule! Also, I will need your help to decide: do I really need a BLT as a side dish for my mac n cheese?

7:59 I have answered my own question and the answer is YES.
8:03 The two on one date, or as I like to call it, the TAG TEAM date. Okay so the bitches have to write and perform a song in order to win a one on one date with Jason. Ugh, nothing like humiliating the bitches to make them hot and attractive. For this particular challenge, I think you have to embrace it. Go balls to the wall—being a priss about it or taking it too seriously will ruin you. That said, do not RAP. DO NOT.
8:06 Oh Eyebrows. I knew I could count on you to bring it. Okay so the female John Mayer is breakin’ out the singer songwriter routine. I think she might win this challenge for being sincere and crap. I don’t think NIcki should win this because she was “out of her comfort zone.” Next up! Molly gives Papa Bach a blow job in a tent! And they swing by the set of “General Hospital,” which happens to be my most favorite soap.
8:16 The bitches give themselves such anxiety whenever a woman goes off on a one on one. I mean, chill. There’s a 50/50 chance she won’t come back. But Molly seems like she rules. I wonder how the two on ones are chosen? That would SUCK.
8:18 Oh crap, Eyebrows versus Nicki, the whiner. Something tells me we’re supposed to think Nicki is going home, but it’s gonna be Eyebrows. You’ve got be a sap of a guy to deal with this show—cause Molly just aired it all and Jason got all mushy whereas most dudes would run screaming.
8:21 AND she got a rose! Duh. That’s fine. I like her. And Jesse is cutting to the chase and wants an overnight date NOW. Don’t you think they MUST do more than kiss? I mean, come on.
8:28 Big ups to Molly, man. She totally got her claws in Papa Bach. I predict she’s going to the end.
8:32 Dude, I sooooo want to be on General Hospital. It’s my lifelong dream. Seriously, I want to TV kiss hot dudes all day.
8:37 Y’all is it just me or is this episode boring? I just porked out too, by the way. BLT AND mac n cheese. And it was GOOD. ZOMG, they’re filming in the Quartermaine’s living room! I think I like Naomi—she pulling off the horny maid so well. Okay, so I love Jillian but she is a terrible actress. That said, she and Papa Bach had a pretty hot kiss. I swear, this dude is sparking with EVERYONE except maybe the chick with the bumpy ponytail and the crying girl.
8:41 I am tots worried for Eyebrows. I think weepy, whiny Nikki is going to get the rose in the end because Eyebrows is older and also because Eyebrows has THOSE eyebrows and eventually Papa Bach is gonna notice and cut her. Her kid is only going to get her so far. Let’s face it—Papa Bach wants a hot, young piece, he doesn’t want a 30-something mom. It makes me sad to say it, but it’s true.
8:43 Dude. Megan just molested Papa Bach with her mouth. Also, I am already cringing for Cry Baby Bachelorette and the next segment hasn’t ever started.
8:48 Okay, what is up with Bumpy Ponytail? Like, why? Is that the look now? Also, was I mistaken? Is NAOMI the Cry Baby in this episode? Crap. I like her. But she’s being a big baby.  She’s got the same look as Eva Mendes though—gorgeous skin tone. What is Papa Bach talking about? Being in each other’s lives forever? CRAP. Utter CRAP. Megan is kind of awesome. She’s emotionally detached and kind of horny, but at least she’s not being a complete baby. Oh, but wait, she doing that coy sexy thing where’s trying to get Papa Bach to kiss her and I am feeling sooooo awkward watching this. UGH.
8:53 Bring on the waterworks, here comes Shannon aka CRY BABY!