Keepin’ It Classy: Can I Back Out On Being A Bridesmaid?
Posted by: Simcha Whitehill
Filed in:
style
10:00AM, Monday May 18th 2009
This week, I received a letter from a woman who’s having commitment issues about her friend’s wedding. Here’s what she has to say about her cold feet:
“I met up with my old college roommate to celebrate her engagement. Although I hadn’t seen her in years, when she asked me to be a bridesmaid, I totally said yes. Clearly, I was drunk. The worst part is, now I’m remembering what a friggin’ control freak she is. I’ve pretended to give a hoot at countless dress fittings and didn’t even complain that the dresses she picked for us were hid and $500. But now she wants her bachelorette party to be a week long vacay in Vegas. I’m not made of moolah, or time off from work. I know this is like he most special day of her life. But it’s not mine and I want out! Can I quit? She’s already driving me crazy and her wedding isn’t til October. I do still want to be her friend, just once her bridezilla days are over.”
I’m sorry to say that you’re stuck, lady. Even if you don’t want to be her friend, I would advise to go through with it. If you back out now, you’ll never be trusted to be a bridesmaid again. While that may sound like music to your ears, you don’t want your pals to perceive you as unreliable or insensitive.
Wedding days are an expensive part of the life cycle, and the cost isn’t solely monetary. Some brides take themselves and the whole ordeal too seriously! From gals who can’t choose to those who are too choosy, there’s always a lot of wear and tear on the bridesmaids. But a true lady handles every situation with grace. So, don’t react to her outburst. Simply look at her, be calm and composed, and subtly state the obvious: Compared to cool me, you’re acting like a nut bag!
As for the bachelorette party trip, here’s where you can put her friendship to the test. Call her and be frank about your financial and work situations, without going into too much detail. Tell her you’re not able to take the time off, but that shouldn’t stop her from having the fiesta of her dreams. So, no hard feelings, you wanted to let her know that you can’t go. Make sure you don’t lay it on so thick that she changes her whole plan!
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Annika
wrote on May 18 2009 @ 10:28 am: [report]
That photo looks inviting and sinister at the same time.
chloe
wrote on May 18 2009 @ 10:57 am: [report]
if you’ve already bought the dress and gone to fittings…umm you’re kind of stuck. if you realized after you sobered up, you should have called her then and said you couldn’t.
stephoney22
wrote on May 18 2009 @ 11:02 am: [report]
good advice, i would say the same. definitely say no to vegas but do it respectfully. let her know you want to be there but it is simply not possible. do not leave room for her to “brainstorm” about ways it can be affordable to you. she is not part of deciding what’s best for you. if she responds rudely you can only hope that one day she’ll realize how wrong she was.
stephoney22
wrote on May 18 2009 @ 11:05 am: [report]
note: my first line refers to the author’s advice.
writergirl
wrote on May 18 2009 @ 11:13 am: [report]
The only way I’ve ever known anyone to get out of being a bridesmaid was if they were pregnant. One of my bridesmaids was due around the time of my wedding and her doctor nixed it because she was having a difficult pregnancy. I was a fill-in for my girlfriend’s SIL who decided at the last minute that being eight months pregnant was too much to be a bridesmaid. Even in that latter, the bride was rather pissy that the SIL didn’t just say no in the beginning instead of insisting she be in the wedding.
EarthGoddess
wrote on May 18 2009 @ 11:29 am: [report]
I agree that she’s stuck in the situation, but she’s only as stuck as she wants to be. Like the Vegas trip, she can simply make herself unavailable for other events along the way. October’s months away, and you know there will be events that aren’t absolutely necessary, so she can back out of those gracefully and do the bare minimum.
It reminds me of the time a woman I was very close with was engaged and turned into a total Bridezilla. She made everyone walk through fire after fire for her day for over a year. Then, after 15 months of engagement and after moving into a brand new house together, they called off the wedding 4 weeks before the ceremony after we all put our blood, sweat, tears, time, attention and money into making it all she wanted it to be. We had a falling out shortly thereafter, and I’m now friendly with her ex-fiance who suffered through her reign of terror most of all!
tattooed_redhead
wrote on May 18 2009 @ 01:56 pm: [report]
@ Annika - is that you in your avatar? Because if it is, you have the most amazing hair ever and I am seriously jealous.
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on May 18 2009 @ 01:58 pm: [report]
@tattooed_redhead: This is me in my avatar, a fat penguin, yep that’s me.
jojo32
wrote on May 18 2009 @ 02:05 pm: [report]
Ha! I was kicked out of my bridesmaid spot! All you have to do is divorce the bride’s brother 6 months before the wedding. Or maybe that just worked for me.
tattooed_redhead
wrote on May 18 2009 @ 06:03 pm: [report]
@ CheeeeEEEEse: LOL I, apparently, am a pretty decent pair of lips!
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on May 18 2009 @ 06:19 pm: [report]
@tattooed_redhead: Don’t forget the dimples.
sam04
wrote on May 18 2009 @ 07:08 pm: [report]
I think it’s so ridiculous that bridesmaids are expected to pay for their own dresses. Why does anyone put up with that? If it’s YOUR wedding and you’re picking the dresses and the colour and the style and the price, YOU should be paying for it. I really can’t see myself ever getting married, but if I did, I would either buy the dresses or let bridesmaids wear what they wanted.
fallonthecity
wrote on May 18 2009 @ 07:53 pm: [report]
@sam04: Totally agree. Luckily, the only time I’ve been a bridesmaid, we were allowed to pick our own dresses (and it was an easy color - black!). Weddings are such a huge mess… I avoid them when I can.