Is “The One” Just A Fantasy?
Posted by: Wendy Atterberry
Filed in:
relationships
11:30AM, Monday October 26th 2009
OK, I’m about to discuss a short scene from last night’s episode of “Mad Men,” so if you haven’t watch it yet — oh my God, you have to watch it!!! — you may want to stop reading. Are we all good now? Good. Now that we can speak freely, first, how awesome was Joan’s big moment last night when she finally gave Dr. Rape what he had coming? I cheered! And then I rewound and watched it several times over. If you don’t have the show recorded, luckily NYMag.com created an animated GIF.
Anyway, Joan’s big moment, as fantastic as it was, isn’t really what I want to talk about here. I want to discuss Roger and his old flame, Ms. Annabelle Mathis, who has suddenly reappeared in his life. More specifically, let’s talk about that scene after they get drunk over a “business dinner” and Annabelle confesses to Roger, “You were the one.” To which Roger replies, “You weren’t.” Oh, snap! While I don’t believe Roger’s new wife, Jane, is his “one” — come on, don’t we all think he’s meant to be with Joan? — the scene got me thinking: Can someone be your one if you aren’t his/her one? Doesn’t the general definition of “the one” mean “the one you’re meant to be with”? And how can someone be meant for you if you aren’t meant for him, right?
I guess the scene drove home the point for me that this whole idea of “the one” is such a fantasy. Here’s a woman who, for, like, 30 years or something, has thought of this long-lost love she let get away as “the one,” while we’re left to believe he’s mostly felt bitterness towards her. She spent her marriage to another man fantasizing about Roger, imagining what her life may have been like if she’d married him instead. Convenient, isn’t it? To have a fantasy of someone who can remain perfect in your imagination where the grind of daily life ceases to exist and where he can’t disappoint you with his flaws and bad decisions?
I wonder, does anyone ever hold a fantasy of “the one” as someone who broke his or her heart? Would someone like Roger, who was dumped for “a guy who was going to run her father’s dog-food company,” ever imagine the woman who let him go as the one who got away, the one he should have been with all along? I doubt it. “The one,” it seems, as it relates to old loves, anyway, is an idea we create to second-guess our choices or to convince ourselves there’s a better option out there for us, and maybe, if the stars and planets realign just so, we can have another chance at happily ever after. I’m not buying it, though. Are you?
Oh, and here’s that GIF again:
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Jenn27549
wrote on October 26 2009 @ 10:49 am: [report]
I have general thoughts on the idea but are too complicated to get into here. As far as the specific question relating to whether you can think someone is the one for you if they dumped you/broke your heart, I say yes. I am NOT saying they ARE the one, but I’ve known plenty of people who thought that someone who dumped them was the “one that got away” and they weren’t the bad person because it was the dumped individual’s actions that led to the dumping in the first place. That can be true or false, but I don’t think that just because someone broke your heart doesn’t mean you can’t still long for them, right or wrong.
BlueVibe
wrote on October 26 2009 @ 11:20 am: [report]
I think somebody could be The One for you even if you aren’t for them.
I have a friend whom I suspect could be The One, but I didn’t meet him until after he was [happily] married. Shucks. Oh, well.
amandabear
wrote on October 26 2009 @ 11:52 am: [report]
I think The One is utter #&@$%. Someone is The One because you decide they are, not because it’s pre-ordained or written in the stars. Of course it’s possible for you to keep a flame burning for someone who has long since extinguished their flame for you, but that’s a bit of a different situation.
And yeah, when Joan hit Dr. Scumbag with the vase I clapped a little bit. Finally.
Lynn
wrote on October 26 2009 @ 12:33 pm: [report]
I’m with amandabear. I don’t get all the BS about “The One.” There is NOT just one person for everyone. The person you spend the rest of your life with is not somehow decided by the heavens. It’s just like destiny, which is also a load of BS. There is no superficial power saying who should be together. You CHOSE who to be with, and they have to chose you back. You can miss them and pine over them for years, and maybe you two really would be happy together, but no higher power is up there trying to get you two together. It’s just people, having relationships, getting attached, and either staying together or moving on. And sometimes it hurts and sometimes it’s awesome. But it’s all chance, it’s not destiny.
C.Munro
wrote on October 26 2009 @ 12:56 pm: [report]
I don’t subscribe to that stuff about “the one.” In fact, I think a very large number of people, if not a majority of them, should remain single.
tattooed_redhead
wrote on October 26 2009 @ 01:00 pm: [report]
Not saying that people who believe in ‘the one’ are stupid, I just don’t see that it is logical or even plausible. It doesn’t make sense, and I refuse to lower myself to subscribing to its belief. I don’t believe in god, so why would I believe in something else that’s so completely out there?
thierry3
wrote on October 26 2009 @ 01:01 pm: [report]
I think there is a “one” person that is the ying to your yang. I think it is very rare that people marry that person.
Stellamira
wrote on October 26 2009 @ 07:07 pm: [report]
I think that the concept of “The One” is outdated, and it gives people an excuse to be lazy and unsatisfied in relationships. “If this relationship is truly THE ONE then we shouldn’t be having X problem. Maybe I should just dump him.” Etc, etc.
Real relationships are made of people who have found a special connection with each other, value it, and work to keep their bond healthy and open. They’ll be your special someone and not just because it’s destiny. That means a lot more to me, anyway.
Red_Lady
wrote on October 26 2009 @ 09:53 pm: [report]
Not gonna get into whether “the one” is real or not, but I definitely don’t think that someone could be your one if you aren’t his/her one. Why would you want to love someone who doesn’t love you back? It just seems like a total waste to me.
TheUnusualSuspect
wrote on October 26 2009 @ 10:35 pm: [report]
I don’t believe in The One, though I do believe in The One(s). There are MANY people who are “perfect” for any given person. So, it isn’t a matter of finding The One (And Only)—it’s a matter of finding one of the many who would be perfect for you, and hope that you are one of the many who would be perfect for him/her.
I’ve met many of my The Ones. Unfortunately, none of them thought I was one of theirs.
canadiancutie
wrote on October 26 2009 @ 11:20 pm: [report]
Well, I didn’t believe in the one until I met someone who I clicked with so cosmically well it seemed implausible. Had I made a few minor decisions differently that night, we never would’ve encountered each other. That absolutely BOGGLES my mind. I did our astro compatibility and sure enough, it’s the highest I’ve ever seen, and I’ve studied astrology for years. So I am starting to believe in the concept of The One. Or at least, a perfect one for you for an extended period of your life, without whom you may not experience the same kind of growth or satisfaction.
majicksand
wrote on October 27 2009 @ 05:14 pm: [report]
I absolutely believe in ‘the one’. I married him. I almost gave up believing after many disasterous relationship, but I’m glad I held on. Even when the rest of the world sucks, he and I are solid.
TinaLish
wrote on November 6 2009 @ 10:12 am: [report]
I didn’t used to, but then I met my ex and well now he’s my ex so it’s kind of confusing. But I believe fate had something to do with that one for sure. Timing and all that jazz.
I think life has a way of bringing people into your life that are amazing and change the way you view the world in some ways, but then life itself happens, and everything changes. A feeling you thought would last, or would always stay mutual, starts to fade for the other and your left wondering how.
Now I’m not sure if I believe in the idea of “The One” anymore and I don’t know if I ever will again. All I know is that you can’t fake that unspoken chemistry, or fire that burns between two people. So who knows?
Life has a way of mixing up things, and turning them into something better. Separating people, only to bring them back together at a later time. Or bringing them to someone new and unexpected.
It’s the luck of the draw.
TheUnusualSuspect
wrote on November 6 2009 @ 10:21 pm: [report]
@TinaLish
Sometimes he is perfect for the person you were/will be at some different point in time, and/or you are perfect for the person he was/will be at some different point in time. But sometimes he is perfect for who you are at the same time that you are perfect for who he is.
I don’t believe in just one “The One”—I believe there are many “Ones” for everyone. The trick is to find one of those many people, and of course be lucky enough for the timing to work out just right. I know—it is maddening.
You’re right when you say you can’t fake the chemistry. But as he/they change, you also change, and the chemistry is always evolving. You just never know what’s going to happen, or when. One day, you suddenly notice the guy in the next cubicle. He’s been sitting there for two years and you’ve never exchanged more than a pleasant greeting. Then something in you wakes up and you can’t stop thinking about him; you realize he could be one of your “Ones.” Then you take action, and he realizes you are one of his “Ones,” and then life is good. I keep telling myself that it actually work this way, at least once in a while!
When you see a possibility, don’t be afraid to let him know. Actually, it’s ok to be afraid, but go ahead and let him know anyway. I have often found that making a fool of myself is very liberating!
TinaLish
wrote on November 17 2009 @ 02:20 pm: [report]
@TheUnusualSuspect:
I agree with all of that. I couldn’t have said it better. Thank you much for the insight. And OMG it is so maddening!
TheUnusualSuspect
wrote on November 19 2009 @ 12:45 am: [report]
@TinaLish
Thank you for the kind words of acknowledgement. It’s nice to know someone read all that, and even agrees with me. Don’t give up—Keep looking. Maybe he’s in the next cubicle, or maybe he’s that close friend that you never thought about in “that way.” You just never know. If you do figure out the secret to finding the right person at the right time, PLEASE let me know!
TinaLish
wrote on November 20 2009 @ 01:00 pm: [report]
@TheUnusualSuspect:
If I should be so lucky, I deff will let you know =) take care!