Is Narcissism Keeping You Single?
Posted by: Wendy Atterberry
Filed in:
relationships
9:00AM, Wednesday June 10th 2009
It’s no secret that people are getting married later these days than in previous generations, and in this culture of hook-ups and “modern female dating anxiety,” we’re at no loss for theories that explain why. Some people say today’s twentysomethings are delaying marriage to focus on careers and build close friendships instead, but another explanation paints a less flattering picture of young people: apparently, they’re all just a bunch of narcissists. In an article on The Daily Beast this week, writer Hannah Seligson, explores this theory, writing: “narcissism, even in small doses, has shifted courtship into a high-stakes relationship culture. Now that people think more highly of themselves, expectations of what a relationship should be like have skyrocketed into the realm of superlatives. Twentysomethings not only expect to waltz into high-level career positions right out of college, they also expect partners who have the moral fortitude of Nelson Mandela, the comedic timing of Stephen Colbert, the abs of Hugh Jackman, and the hair of Patrick Dempsey.”
But is it true that twenty-somethings think more highly of themselves and have greater expectations for their lives than older generations did at their age? And, if so, is that such a bad thing? Seligson cites psychology professors W. Keith Campbell and Jean Twenge, authors of the book, The Narcissism Epidemic, who “chart the dramatic rise in the number of Americans who have a clinical narcissist personality disorder.” Surveying a wide representation of 35,000 Americans, they discovered that “nearly 10 percent of twentysomethings reported symptoms of narcissism, compared to just over 3 percent of those over 65.” And in an age of confessional blogging, and constant Facebook and Twitter updates, that figure isn’t hard to believe.
Some believe this blatant self-regard is a product of the “Oprah school of thought,” or the idea that you have to love yourself before anyone else will. While Twenge says there’s no evidence that people with higher self-esteem have better relationships, Terry Real, a therapist and relationship expert, adds: “There is a national obsession with feeling good about yourself. We have done a good job teaching people to come up from shame, but have ignored the issue of having people come down from grandiosity.” The result seems to be a generation of young people who view everything — especially relationships — in terms of the happiness it brings them and how good it makes them feel about themselves. This is a problem, the experts say, because relationships are about compromise, about sometimes sacrificing what makes you happy for what makes your partner happy.
So if focusing so intently on one’s personal happiness and gratification is a bad thing, how should today’s twenty-somethings examine the merits of a potential mate? If their own good feelings are a narcisstic lens through which to view a relationship, what’s the appropriate way to examine it? My hunch is we’re not giving twenty-somethings enough credit. They’re a smart, well-educated bunch, if a tad self-involved. But come on, it’s not like it’s some new phenomenon for twenty-somethings to act narcissistic. The experts say today’s crop is three times more narcissistic that their grandparents, but they don’t reveal how narcissistic those grandparents were when they were in their twenties. I suspect today’s youth, just like the generations before, will mature and become less self-involved over time. They’ll begin seeing potential mates in terms of not only how happy they make them feel, but how much better they are when they’re with them: better friends, better employees, better contributing members of society. But don’t expect it to happen overnight — twenty-somethings today are busy enjoying their “me” time (and tweeting about every minute of it). [via The Daily Beast]
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Jessica Wakeman
wrote on June 10 2009 @ 09:08 am: [report]
This complaint sounds like typical “kids these days!” grousing that every generation goes through.
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on June 10 2009 @ 09:10 am: [report]
I don’t make kissy faces in pictures, I don’t think this applies to me.
Muttface
wrote on June 10 2009 @ 09:32 am: [report]
I think there’s more to this then just “kids these days.” The recent phenomenom of the “quarter life crisis” jibes well with the self-centered narcissist attitudes of many. Either way, narcissistic people always get their come-uppins through their suprisingly uninteresting, unfulfilling life. Sucks to be them.
babychels09
wrote on June 10 2009 @ 01:43 pm: [report]
Whats the big deal if teens today delay marriage or for that matter just decide not to get married. Maybe if there wasn’t such a push to marriage the divorce rate wouldn’t be what it is today. Furthermore, I don’t think that there is anything wrong with having higher standards.
bbpickles
wrote on June 10 2009 @ 05:24 pm: [report]
@babychels- i completely agree! Marriage isn’t for everyone, some people are happier that way. How many times have you heard from your mother or best friends “Why are you with him? You can do better!” If my mom has high standards for me, I sure as hell can have high standards for myself!!!
canadiancutie
wrote on June 10 2009 @ 08:28 pm: [report]
Well yes, my expectations of a mate are unrealistically high, but for what it’s worth, I also impose almost unobtainably high standards on myself.
shannac02
wrote on June 11 2009 @ 08:45 am: [report]
I’ll go with the idea that its narcissism that’s keeping me single and not the fact that I’m annoying as hell…
babychels09
wrote on June 11 2009 @ 08:59 am: [report]
As canadiancutie said that while she has a high expectations of a mate she also imposes the same high standards for herself I myself impose the same high standards on myself.
theoldman
wrote on June 11 2009 @ 11:03 am: [report]
Narcissism as it is refereed to here is no different than when I was young in the 60’s. You go look at the expectations at match.com or yahoo’s dating site to mention only two and you see the same absurd expectations for the singles in the parental/grand parental generation as well. Someone claiming to be 54 (really 58) wanting a fabulous looking member of the opposite sex age 35-45. Fantasy land. John DeVore put it perfectly we are all damaged goods. Your perfect match is going to be a whole lot less than perfect. Appreciate them for their imperfections as well as their perfections and they will likely do the same for you.
Dave The Rave
wrote on June 12 2009 @ 03:04 am: [report]
I have one female co-worker that should be the one looking in the mirror. She is as self-centered as they get! She is constantly trying to impress everybody and talks endlessly about her upcoming wedding and all the trimmings, etc. And, if someone doesn’t meet her standards, screw you! I’m average and when she tries to degrade me, all I have to do is ask why she has a child and is divorced. The rest just look at her, but I said the easiest way to get her to stop is to just ignore her. She thinks she will shoot straight to the top of her job and I remind her that the ones who came into where we work and had that idea wee either fired or got burned out an quit. Oh, well.
Shasta
wrote on June 12 2009 @ 07:31 pm: [report]
The narcissist kids (20-somethings) these days are a product of their crazy helicopter parents. They’re going to hold out for the “someone better,” and wake up one day and realize perfect is a myth and be really sad about the “one” who got away - or rather that they kicked to the curb for being less-than.
Having said that, we 30-somethings have scientifically-designed questionnaires to find our “perfect match,” to thank for our narcissisim/notion that the “perfect match” is out there. @oldman is ont o something; however, I dont’ know that it’s damage as much as it is human imperfection, which he encourages us to embrace.
Mercurian
wrote on June 14 2009 @ 12:14 pm: [report]
I tend to agree with this article. It seems that many people are less concerned with having a sense of purpose in life than they are with having a sense of recognition, whether they are recognized for accomplisment or notoriety is immaterial.
sinister minister
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 05:19 pm: [report]
Maybe we’d be living in a different world now if those geriatrics gave themselves standards as high as the ones we twentysomethings give ourselves. (:
Dave The Rave
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 05:40 pm: [report]
Ms. You, I gave myself goals to shoot for when I was growing up and the ones before us did, as well. To set your own standards high means you either have goals to reach or are trying to over-compensate for something you couldn’t do. Like I tell my guys, “Don’t get me started!”
aroth
wrote on July 12 2009 @ 11:51 pm: [report]
@Jessica: I’d expect such a nonsense comment from the person who wrote a whole nonsense article about how marrying for money “isn’t a bad idea”. In fact, I registered an account here just to point out that you’re the same person who believes that choosing your (presumably life-long) mate based upon their income/assets makes sense.
Regardless, this article hits the nail right on the head. I’m a twenty-something (26, presently), and have had the misfortune of having to deal with these Oprah (and Dr. Phil) produced narcissists. My ex was one of them, and she predictably expected that every aspect of the relationship would revolve around her and what she wanted. And for a solid two years I went along with it, making all kinds of sacrifices to keep her happy, and ignoring the fact that she would throw a fit if I even suggested that she do something for me for a change. Eventually, I grew a backbone and told her that if she couldn’t start treating me like an equal then it was over. And she couldn’t, so thankfully, it was.
The difference between her and my subsequent gf (and now wife) was stark. My wife never bought into the feel-good but nonsensical “you *always* come first” garbage spewed by the daytime-TV hosts, and it shows. She understands that a relationship works best when it is between two equals, and that while both people benefit from it, both people also have to make sacrifices for it. Being with her made it all the more obvious just how miserable I was back when I was with my ex. I feel genuinely sorry for whomever ends up with her. Almost as sorry as I feel for the poor sap that gets tricked into marrying Jessica here.
seo techniques
wrote on July 20 2009 @ 06:13 am: [report]
Although I try to tell myself that I want to be single, and that I like it, in all reality it is my narcissism that keeps me single. I really wish I could overcome it.
Regards,
John from Korcula Island
_jsw_
wrote on July 22 2009 @ 09:11 am: [report]
@joerand: I do respect the link troll who at least tries to interject a little humor into his or her comments. I still don’t click the links, but at least I respect the effort.
PA-Pilot
wrote on August 26 2009 @ 03:05 pm: [report]
@aroth: Thanks for pointing out that one thing that often comes with narcissism is hypocrisy. My ex had a similar mental disorder that caused her to gauge my worthiness as a mate by the size of my asset portfolio and the ratio of attention I gave her to attention I gave everything else. However, criticism of her spending habits was verboten, even though marrying her, and thereby giving her access to those financial resources, could have been devastating to me. Hell, maybe you and I have the same ex? Wouldn’t surprise me - they sound very much alike.
I sometimes get to interview green college students who know nothing, but think they know everything. Typically, I see five to ten and sometimes more candidates every year. I would have to say that the proportion of them with narcissistic personality disorder far exceeds the ten percent postulated in the article. When I describe the job function, which is usually to work under more senior engineers to learn the proper techniques and skills required for engineering, and the necessary processes to enable efficient functioning in the company, the response I get is, “oh, I already know how to do that stuff. I took a class on that.”
The naïveté coupled with complete arrogance is quite appalling sometimes.
@ the 20-somethings out there: Really, you need to deflate yourselves and realize that you will do much better in life if you seek to learn something from those who have come before you rather than expecting them to bow at your feet and bask in your own imaginary glory.
HangingWithMyGnomies
wrote on August 28 2009 @ 12:49 pm: [report]
@PA-Pilot: “I sometimes get to interview green college students who know nothing, but think they know everything ... 20-somethings out there: Really, you need to deflate yourselves and realize that you will do much better in life if you seek to learn something from those who have come before you rather than expecting them to bow at your feet and bask in your own imaginary glory.”
Sounds like you could use a slice of humble pie yourself. Sure, veterans are going to be separated by rookies by experience. That’s why they send you in to interview those kids, and not the other way around. Relax, its going to be OK.
“My ex had a similar mental disorder that caused her to gauge my worthiness as a mate by the size of my asset portfolio and the ratio of attention I gave her to attention I gave everything else. However, criticism of her spending habits was verboten, even though marrying her, and thereby giving her access to those financial resources, could have been devastating to me.”
Its probably a GOOD THING to take your time to get to know someone for who they are before you get involved, dipshit. That way you can marry someone you actually like, rather than having to criticize their habits and change who they are. You probably highlighted your ability as a financial provider when you first met and you were trying to reel her in… and then changed your mind later and decided you didn’t want your worthiness to be assessed by your abilities as a financial provider when the arrangement actually started to cost money. Loser.
Bebopman
wrote on September 15 2009 @ 04:46 pm: [report]
Wow, Gnomies. Touched a nerve? seems like you’re taking it personally.
_jsw_
wrote on September 15 2009 @ 05:34 pm: [report]
@Bebopman: If you’re wondering why there’s no one here, it’s because the parade has moved on, and you’re a bit late.