Dating Drama: Is He The One?
Posted by: Rachel Kramer Bussel
Filed in:
relationships
12:30PM, Monday November 17th 2008
Right now, I’m in the most serious relationship I’ve ever been in; as in, even though I live in New York and he lives in San Francisco, we’ve talked about where and when we could live together—and how soon. He’s met my uncle; I’ve gone to his family’s cabin, and I’m joining them for Thanksgiving. His mom sends me emails, and my grandmother sends me clippings urging him to stop smoking. We talk almost every night and end most calls with “I love you.”
There are days when I think we are meant to spend the rest of our lives together, and days when I really have no clue. We started dating when we were both in New York last fall. When he moved back to San Francisco (he was here for school), I didn’t expect anything to come of our little fling, but my feelings kept bringing me back to him. Although I’d sworn I wouldn’t get myself into another long distance relationship (I’ve been in more of those than same city ones), I couldn’t help myself.
The distance is one big issue, but even more important is trying to figure out how to handle our disagreements, our differences. Is he The One for me, and is that idea even something worth believing in? The problem with The One (or “The One,” as many of the people I informally polled seemed to think of it) is that nobody else can tell you whether your guy or girl is It. They may tell you how they see the relationship—and, frankly, many of my friends are quite wary of this one—but they’re not in it, so they don’t really know. Part of the problem is I’ve never really dated anyone long enough, or seriously enough, to work through these issues; our differences always broke us up before we got there.
I’m not talking about a dealbreaker here. Once you hit one of those, you know; he’s out. (Although one woman told me she knew her guy wasn’t The One because he was a cat person and she’s a dog person.) He smokes, which I hate, but I can handle that. What I’m talking about are fundamental differences that are at once endearing and annoying, depending on my mood. He’s a socialist, and I’m, well, if not a raging capitalist, hope to make as much money as I can so I can support the kids I’ll have someday. Sometimes I feel like I’m too conservative for him, which is funny because I doubt most people would consider me “conservative.” In every other long distance relationship I’ve been in, we’ve had phone sex, cybersex, or both; in this one, I feel like I’m the only one having long distance dirty thoughts.
Gail Konop Baker wrote about her own doubts when it comes to marital choices in her memoir Cancer is a Bitch (Or, I’d Rather Be Having a Midlife Crisis): “I love him. I hate him. I want him. I don’t. But why doesn’t anyone tell you how risky it is to trust another person with the all of you, to imprint your life with their life? How frightening it is to love and let yourself be loved? That to stay with someone you have to get over and get on and be willing to redefine the marriage over and over again. And compromise. Always compromise.” I love that because all too often we’re told that if we’ve found someone who makes us happy, that’s it, the end. Get married. Game over.
Lots of my friends told me they don’t believe in the concept of “The One,” per se, but some had outrageously heartwarming success stories. Erotica writer Kristina Wright said that, at 23, “I never believed in true love or had no intentions of getting married until I met ‘the one.’ We met in February—while I was in a long distance relationship with his roommate—and by June we were engaged. We were married in October after spending less than three weeks together. There was an electric connection between us from the beginning, like nothing I had ever felt. Calling it magic wouldn’t be much of an exaggeration. It’s been eighteen years and he’s absolutely still ‘the one.’”
My biggest fear is that instead of confronting the issues we have—individually and as a couple—I’ll ignore them because I want to believe he’s The One, which can only lead to trouble. Yet knowing I love him simply isn’t enough; there are plenty of couples where love simply can’t sustain an entire relationship.
So what about you? Have you found “The One”? Do you think “The One” even exists?
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Pipi
wrote on November 17 2008 @ 01:22 pm: [report]
I most certainly believe in someone being “the one” and it is what has kept me at my ex-boyfriends side for 3 years (we have been broken up for 1 1/2 of those years). It is hard to explain to someone because to an outsider we are not perfect for each other and seem to fight more than anything but that happens when we arent near each other. When we are with-in touching distance it is as if nothing bad has ever happened between us. I knew he was the one on our first date, he jokingly flirtily slapped me hard on my bare thigh (I was wearing a skirt) and I was amazed that this guy who I had basically just met had read me well enough to smack me. But there was something else there too, you know that thing you cant explain to anyone, the knowing that this is what is meant for you. Like how many first dates do you go on where you playing thumb wars at the movies and then he slaps you? Lol ah love. Now if he would only admit he felt it too.
shannac02
wrote on November 17 2008 @ 04:23 pm: [report]
I had my “one”... he got away. Everyone in my life hated him and said he was no good, yet, I can’t really imagine myself loving anyone like I love him. He’s the only person that I want to make me smile for the rest of my life…
But, is he really the “one” if you’re not his “one”????
Lynn
wrote on November 17 2008 @ 05:02 pm: [report]
I don’t believe in “The One.” I *totally* believe in true love, and marriage, and monogamy, and falling in head-over-your-heels. But I just don’t believe that there is only *one* person out there who could make me happy.
Katia
wrote on November 17 2008 @ 06:30 pm: [report]
I’m with Lynn. I think it’s a myth women tell themselves to heighten their sense romance and exclusivity. Don’t get me wrong, I think you can find great love, lifelong love, even electrifying love. So many people are so certain they’ve found “The One” and marry…and yet divorce is still so prevalent in our society. Why did all these “Ones” suddenly become “Zeros”? Our tastes change as we get older. What may be “The One” at age 25 can turn out not be “The One” at 40. What if you marry your “One” and 10 years down the road you are bored, overworked, stressed out and lonely. And along comes a guy that makes you feel beautiful and imbues you with that same sense of excitement you felt when you were young and fresh. Suddenly you begin to think that maybe he’s really “The One” because you can’t remember the last time you felt this good. I think it’s all a matter of where you are in your life, what your feeling, thinking and dealing with. Life is not a fairy tale. I think if you really want to have “One” and only “One” you better be prepared to do a lot of hard work to keep your relationship viable.
lilo
wrote on November 17 2008 @ 07:21 pm: [report]
I think “The One” is a product of all those magical and mundane things that cause you to fall in love with a person and him/her to fall in love with you, and the context in which it happens. Timing has to be right, and you both have to be committed to making it work. When you meet that One, you know it.
Fabulosity
wrote on November 19 2008 @ 01:33 am: [report]
ive known my boyfriend since i was 8, and im 20 now, he’s 22. we have been together 4 yrs off and on, and i consider him my best friend. sometimes i feel like he doesnt respect my feelings, he thinks im over emotional, or he feels as though its “not that serious”... ive tried breaking up with him to show him im serious about respecting my feelings, but he doesnt pay that any attention because he always knows im coming back. it hurts me so much, but being apart from him hurts me more. i truly dont know what to do with him, this is our only problem :(
Katia
wrote on November 19 2008 @ 11:05 am: [report]
Fabulosity~You probably know this and don’t want to hear it but…you’ve GOT to take a hard line stand. You’ve been together since you were children and you’ve grown into a dynamic that does not bode well for happiness if you are feeling hurt and disrespected. He’s taking you for granted. Doesn’t mean he is a bad person, but he doesn’t realize what he’s got. He doesn’t have to try too hard to change when you’ve proven that you’ll take him back irregardless of how he treats you. Don’t be a doormat. It may hurt like hell to create some distance between you two, but in the long run it may get you what you need from him. Who knows, with some introspection you may grow into yourself, learn more about what you really want and be a stronger person for it. This issue has more to do with you becoming your own person and setting respectful boundaries than it does with trying to get him to be what you want him to be. I wish you the best of luck in this because I know it’s painful.
Mike in Albany
wrote on November 24 2008 @ 02:44 pm: [report]
“My biggest fear is that instead of confronting the issues we have—individually and as a couple—I’ll ignore them because I want to believe he’s The One, which can only lead to trouble.”
Well, here’s a quick-and-easy way to tell if he really is “The One.” Address the issues you have. Notice I said “address” instead of “confront.” Communication is key to the health and success of a relationship. Mature, reasonable people can talk about concerns without negative predispositions. “The One” is able to listen to you with an open mind, explain himself, clear up any misunderstandings, and work with you to make it work better. Fear is the mind killer. Don’t agonize; organize. If he really is “The One,” you have nothing to worry about.
And if he’s not, it is better to have found out sooner than later. Then you can call me.
Neo
wrote on December 22 2008 @ 08:06 pm: [report]
“Love” never sustains a relationship. It’s an excuse to pair up with someone you hope will entertain and pleasure you - and then an excuse to move on to someone else.
Commitment on the other hand….
the123whatever
wrote on February 4 2010 @ 05:05 pm: [report]
i met The One six years ago. we dated for 4 years after that. and the myth, ladies, and gents, is founded in truth. it was absolutely amazing in every way: amazing sex, amazing conversations, amazing arguments, even. we made art together. we faced crises together. we had great communication, great chemistry, etc. etc. etc.
so big deal; he was The One. he will always be The One. but he will never be The Good Boyfriend. i am happy for what we had, and happy for the friendship we now have (which took the last two years to finally create out of old wreckage), and yeah, i am still in love with him. but jeez, i wouldn’t wanna date him again. personally, i look forward to The Two, and The Three. i don’t hold new boyfriends up to the standard of The One, cause they’d never reach it. i keep that spot in my heart for him, and he will always occupy it.
i guess my point here was—don’t worry so much about labeling him as The One. if you’re tossing the idea around that he might be, then he probably is. enjoy it. but if he’s a 2 or a 3, know you can enjoy that, too.