Is Boring Style A Dating Dealbreaker?
Posted by: Lily Q
Filed in:
relationships
11:00AM, Sunday June 14th 2009
Because I’m young and carefree, I’ve been keeping my options open and dating a couple of guys at the same time. No more than two, because beyond that, things get a little sloppy. Well, two works until decision time comes around and you’re writing out each’s pros versus cons. That’s where I am right now, paper ready, pen in hand.
Guy #1 is nice, funny and cute, but guy #2 is gloriously attractive and kind of witty. Sort of. Sometimes. Okay, barely. The choice seems clear: ditch the hot, boring guy in favor of the cute, funny one, right? Not so fast. I thought I had arrived at that conclusion, but still haven’t actually axed guy #2. My conundrum, after the jump…
I thought at first that the delay could be blamed on #2’s flaxen locks and 6’2” stature—the perfect height in that it allows me to wear heels up to five inches without surpassing his height. I mean, that’s not the sort of thing a heel-loving gal like myself can easily shoot down. But the truth, my hesitation has nothing to do with my style, and everything to do with his competition’s.
Beyond a certain level of cleanliness and appearance maintenance—washing your face, brushing your hair, etcetera—people can’t really help their looks. But your style? That’s all a matter of choice. The fact is, Guy #2 has much better style than Guy #1. I know, this sounds terrible and you’re likely writing me off as a horrible person, but hear me out. Why shouldn’t someone’s style be a major factor attraction and whether or not you continue to date them?
I am someone who is perpetually overdressed. I write about style and I love fashion. I appreciate clothing as an expression of who a person is. Guy #1, on the other hand, does not seem to have the same appreciation even in the slightest—he favors imagination-less t-shirts and shapeless jeans commonly worn by grade school boys. Though I am attracted to him, I am not attracted to his style. Help me out on this one: is boring style a dealbreaker?
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nikkiwikki
wrote on June 14 2009 @ 11:25 am: [report]
I don’t think anybody can answer that question for you. For me, style is a bonus as opposed to a main criterion. I guess you just need to figure out which holds more weight for you: excellent personality but poopy style? Or exemplary style but a less-than-desirable personality?
cadyms
wrote on June 14 2009 @ 11:46 am: [report]
Well, it sounds for you like #2’s style is more akin to a common interest than merely a style issue. So perhaps the question can be rephrased: a shared common interest with a so-so personality, vs a lack of that common interest and a great personality. But to be perfectly honest, it sounds like guy #1 deserves someone who would appreciate him fully, even sans style. He shouldn’t always be seen as less than by whoever he’s dating.
Kiki T
wrote on June 14 2009 @ 11:48 am: [report]
How a guy holds himself matters and style is an extension of that—answer: yes!
While I’m a gal that prefers the jeans and tee kind of guy, which is totally simple, how he carries himself and what kinds of jeans and tee fits he chooses are important—and how his body is rocking it matters. obviously acid wash jeans and ed hardy shirts would not due…but with that said, when you like someone, truly like someone, all those rules always seem to fly out the window….however, acid wash and ed hardy shirts WILL NEVER DO.
Mercurian
wrote on June 14 2009 @ 11:52 am: [report]
Many guys, myself included, are willing to accept a woman’s influence on their style. I have only a weak attachment to style of clothing and my hair only need to be practical and appropriate for my work (attorney), otherwise, I am very flexible and willing to try new things.
When I am with a woman, I fully accept (and in fact, hope) that her sense of style is better than my own.
This is one area where a woman may, in fact, be able to change a man.
Goldfinch86
wrote on June 14 2009 @ 12:08 pm: [report]
Wow this sounds like me when I was in college and I first was dating my boyfriend. He wore olive green tee-shirts every day, except the times he wore the ugly eggshell white t’s that looked like the were ancient, which they were, and also made you wonder if they were ever white. He too wore the jeans that middle schoolers wear and sneakers, dad sneakers. 3 years later after he was influenced and slightly nudged he is wearing black t-s, button downs long sleeve and short, he never wore long sleeved, jeans from the Gap, t’s with images, all design oriented images because that is what his job is. His mom used to hem his jeans, sweet but odd looking because of the way non-professional sewing looks. I can’t talk enough about how I hated the jeans he wore, they were either kids jeans because he’s very short or hemmed. Now he wears normal clothes. I never thought of it as a deal breaker, but I think that need to get over it. I know it can be hard when you see the same crap clothes on him every time but casually ask him why he wears what he does, for all you know his mom might dress him out of convenience. My boyfriend’s mom still buys his boxers so there is a possibility of that. He might thank you if you offer help in a nice non-offensive way. I like your style Mercurian, it’s always great to see open minded men!
moonblossom
wrote on June 14 2009 @ 12:50 pm: [report]
If boring style means you aren’t attracted to him…so be it.
I have an ex who said he was a meat and potatoes kind of guy. At the time that was OK. Then when I started to realize that he was serious…meat and potatoes was pretty much the only food he like…I hated him for it. All I wanted was for him to stop whining about tomatoes on his burger and eat the damn thing!
Point is…based on my meat and potatoes experience…something that seems like no big deal can turn into a major annoyance down the road. I say: dump the boring dresser!
joyy
wrote on June 14 2009 @ 01:12 pm: [report]
I think cadyms had it: style for you is an interest, and in this case, not something you have in common. In my experience, trying to date someone who you don’t have anything in common with doesn’t work out too well. Is this balanced by other shared interests?
Helixbill
wrote on June 14 2009 @ 03:50 pm: [report]
My question to you is: Why did you go out with the blue jean guy in the first place if ‘style’ is so important to you?
I have been mostly bald most of my life (and have also worn blue jeans all of my life) and if that ever caused anyone to write me off that is their loss. I am married to a lady who adores me and doesn’t care if I am bald or not.
Do them both a favor and say good bye to both until you mature enough to find out what is important in life. Clue: It isn’t fancy cars, the latest fashions, or any of that other Madison Avenue hype we have been fed all our lives.
And just what are you trying to hide that you don’t like about yourself that you think a fancy outfit will cover up?
TotallyRidiculous
wrote on June 14 2009 @ 04:07 pm: [report]
Bottom line: dressing nicely for someone or for a situation is a matter of respect.
I have dated amazing, sweet, funny, cute guys with horrible style and while I overlooked it at first, it eventually became a problem. Here is when it’s a deal breaker: does he know how to dress appropriately for non-tee and jeans situations? Such as, when you go to a nice restaurant, does he dress appropriately? If you politely ask him to dress nicely, does he? Then, if he’s willing, but just doesn’t know what looks good, take it a step further: will he let you help him and listen to your tips?
If the answers to these are all no, then it probably wouldn’t last anyway. I was head over heals in love with a guy who totally refused to dress nice for the theatre because he claimed it wasn’t “who he was.” It was a serious problem. I also dated a guy who, when he tried to dress nice, he looked worse than when he wore his perpetual athletic gear (think brown mock-turtle necks and ill-fitted black suit jackets), and refused to take any coaching. That was also a problem.
karamelhunni
wrote on June 14 2009 @ 05:00 pm: [report]
your looking too deep into the clothinggg———lol but as of right now i’m kind of in the same boat; i don’t know what to do either!! i say just let go of both of them ( for a lil while ) n see what happens && how u feel 2 weeks from now .
OhSoloMeeeow
wrote on June 14 2009 @ 05:02 pm: [report]
In my experience, pretty people are so used to getting love and attention based on their looks, that they never had to take the time to develop wit or read books.
Go with Mr. Personality.
Purple Haze
wrote on June 14 2009 @ 07:08 pm: [report]
I can totally sympathize. I dated a guy with very immature fashion sense, and I couldn’t help but think that everyone thought I was his older sister walking next to him. But I feel like style is something changeable, but personality and sense of humor are not. Just take him shopping later.
Pearl
wrote on June 14 2009 @ 07:28 pm: [report]
I’d go for guy #1. You can encourage better fashion by shopping with him, and buying tasteful gifts here and there. However, you can’t do much to improve a bad personality. Ever.
Throne of Cynicism
wrote on June 14 2009 @ 07:33 pm: [report]
Mercurian got it.
Most guys don’t care about style that much and will not argue if you insist on picking their clothes.
A lot of guys don’t have much style because there’s really not a lot of wiggle room for style for men.
Girls have tons different kinds of tops, dozens of categories of dresses or skirts and hundreds upon hundreds of shoes.
For guys its (more or less)
t-shirts or button downs
Jeans or Khakis
Sneakers or boots
Sure, there’s classy and not so classy ways of doing any combination above, but some guys can’t tell $15 off- brand jeans from Diesel or nice sneakers from 10 year old saucony running shoes.
So go shopping with him and you can dress him how you’d like him.
And yes, you’re a terrible person.
betty123
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 06:29 am: [report]
Looks to me like you don’t really think of either is your one and only. It seems like if one was, you would know it. So why make a choice at all unless one of them makes you?
delovely
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 06:59 am: [report]
Pearl has the right idea!
Take #1 on a trip to the mall. You can’t do a damn thing about #2. Unless, of course, you want to start dating a #3…
I mean, really, just find someone who has everything you want. Fixer-uppers be damned. This is not the time to SETTLE.
jojo32
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 11:12 am: [report]
You cant help who/what you are attracted to. I personally dont really care about ‘fashion’ and a guy who does dress really well (eg: suits, buttoned up all the time, overly worried about his hair) is a turn off for me. I’m not into the whole ‘metro-sexual’ thing. I am a girl who likes a guy in jeans and a t-shirt. Simple? So be it.
Jango
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 12:22 pm: [report]
The author of the post made a Freudian slip when she admitted she was attracted to the guy who didn’t share her sense of style, but has the qualities that make for a lasting relationship, nice, funny, cute. Then, she failed to list one quality about guy #2 that was redeemable beyond his style.
The poster seems less interested in men as a human being and companion then she is as men as a fashion accessory. This is the same kind of sexist gender objectification that men have been doing to women for thousands of years. Divorce can be the only outcome for a marriage based upon such superficial grounds.
Symian
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 01:20 pm: [report]
I didn’t even know you could care about something so trivial as a man’s style (which can be helped). Even worse, that it is put at the same level as intelligence and personality is disturbing. I’m sure that most women would feel horrible if thier husbands ditched them for a woman who had a “better” sense of style, especially if she had the personality of a rock in a rainstorm.
BlueVibe
wrote on August 18 2009 @ 10:47 am: [report]
I don’t care what he wears as long as he’s clean, decently covered, and is willing to dress appropriately when necessary (no holey jeans to job interviews, etc.). Beyond that, why pass up a great guy just because he’s not a clotheshorse??
I’m a hopeless vintage style nut (make my own stuff from 1940’s patterns, mostly; a lot of people could argue that I’m a style liability, too) but I don’t care what a guy thinks of that as long as he doesn’t think make fun of it. He doesn’t have to join in, he just has to leave it alone.