Invasion Of The Faux Sensitive Man
Posted by: Catherine Strawn
Filed in:
guys
9:30AM, Friday April 10th 2009
Dating is all flirty fun until you go out with someone a few times and then decide you’re not so into them. But how do you tell them you don’t want to see them anymore? Lately, we’ve been noticing that men are pulling the sensitive card more and more often, using their supposed emotional vulnerability as an excuse for everything from getting out of dating us to getting out of sex. I’ve had not one but two men tell me they thought I was wonderful, blah, blah, blah, but they just got out of a relationship and weren’t ready to date. It was more like they didn’t want to date me, and they thought they could let me down easy by blaming their tender hearts. We’re not against men who are actually in touch with their emotions, just those who pretend to be so they aren’t required to tell us the truth. After the jump, five stories from women who have had men pull the sensitive card on them (when they weren’t really all that sensitive).
The classic move that I’ve received more times than I can count is: ‘I just can’t give what you need right now. I can’t give you what you deserve.’ Excuse me, but I am an adult. I will decide what I need and deserve. You do not need to worry your pretty little head over me. Oh wait, that’s right, you’re not. You’re just pretending to because you don’t want to seem like a complete a**hole. —Karen
This year I was been dating, well, more sleeping with, a British man. We definitely weren’t exclusive, so we both knew we were sleeping with other people. He mentioned back in December that he felt smitten with an Australian woman he had met. When I booty-called him a couple months later, he told me he didn’t think we should hook up because he “didn’t want to hurt me.” And I was, like, “Oh, please, you’ve just coupled up with the Australian and you don’t want to tell me.” So I called him on it and he admitted that I was right. But he definitely tried to play the “I don’t want to hurt you!” card instead of telling the truth. —Hannah
I think my favorite breakup was with a guy who said the following: ‘I don’t feel connected to you. I think two people should feel connected. And right now, I don’t feel connected to anything.’ Ugh, it still makes me mad just thinking about it. It’s such a cop-out. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: There is no such things as “connection.” There is attraction, and then there is the work you put in to make a relationship happen. If you say there’s “no connection,” you might as well just say, ‘I’d rather not f**k you anymore. Please collect your things and leave so I can commence f**king other people.’ —Pauline
Sometimes guys play the sensitive card on me when they are trying to get me to date them. They’ll talk about their broken heart and how they just want to meet the one and settle down, how they really are just a nice guy but no one understands them. I’m pretty sure it’s just an act. —Adrienne
I once had a boyfriend who I dumped partly because he was too sensitive. Of course, I totally wanted to get back together with him later. I thought he had been pining away for me, so I didn’t really care that he had some girlfriend, and I was like: GET BACK TOGETHER WITH ME! To which he replied that his new girlfriend was suicidal and in a mental hospital right now so he had to take care of her. I mean, it was kind of true, she was both of those things. But like, he could have kind of taken care of her in the loony bin and been with me, right? —Rachel
I was really into my boyfriend when we went on our first date and probably would have had sex with him on the second date. But I didn’t, because he didn’t think we should. Even though we’d spent a couple of nights together during our first month of dating but hadn’t done anything besides make out because he wanted to wait. When we talked about it, he said he thought a month was too early for us to have sex, even though we were dating each other exclusively. Finally, I couldn’t handle him acting so delicate, and I ended up seducing him one night. —Niki
TheFrisky.com is part of the Turner Sports and Entertainment Digital Network
Ogbu
wrote on April 10 2009 @ 09:59 am: [report]
4 and 5 kinda make me angry. He wasn’t ready to have sex so you seduced him? How dare he be emotional about sex! True, takes two to tango, but really, thats no better than the creepy guy at the party who keeps egging a girl on.
Catherine
wrote on April 10 2009 @ 10:05 am: [report]
@ Ogbu: That’s true, but these women felt that the men weren’t honestly being emotional, but using that as an excuse for another reason. I think that’s the difference. There is definitely a fine line between the two, so sometimes it’s hard to tell!
misspixie
wrote on April 10 2009 @ 10:06 am: [report]
I had an ex who turned up at my college room with roses and in a tux. Bleurgh. Ok, that isn’t faux sensitive, but it’s still way too cheesy for me.
Ogbu
wrote on April 10 2009 @ 10:13 am: [report]
@ Catherine - Yes, but if she suspected he was lying to her, and couldn’t stand how he was holding back ... why stay with him? Or seduce him?
johnhuger
wrote on April 10 2009 @ 10:32 am: [report]
Those sensitive guys are just playing women. They have something up their sleeves and its best tobe careful.
SassySexpert
wrote on April 10 2009 @ 10:40 am: [report]
Ok, I agree that there are men playing the “sensitive card” to get out of a relationship or effing us OR get us to eff them. But, I think it’s unfair to dismiss men’s genuine sensitivity. I think a lot of depression and violence from men could be avoided if men were actually allowed to express feelings of sadness and vulnerability.
EastCoastMale
wrote on April 10 2009 @ 11:45 am: [report]
not only that but while we are on the subject of fake feelings being expressed as an excuse, what about women who may flirt to get free drinks from a guy knowing full well they have no intention of talking past the first ice cube melting. Even worse, women who may show fake emotion when pulled over to get out of a ticket….is this just as bad? selfish motivation, disingenuous and claiming for different reasons. Not saying all women do this but SOME I’m sure do, just as SOME men are showing faux feelings and some arent.
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on April 10 2009 @ 11:54 am: [report]
@ECM: Ahh realizing the refreshing duality of every situation. Wonderful comment.
Muttface
wrote on April 10 2009 @ 12:05 pm: [report]
East Coast Male- Great comment. I find that women are usually full of sh-t about 60 percent of the time. The other 40 percent of the time? They are think about complex carbohydrates.
shannac02
wrote on April 10 2009 @ 12:22 pm: [report]
Uh, What? Some women are not full of Sh-t all the time… @muttface, I find your comment hilarious and kinda depressing both at the same time…
PinkRanger
wrote on April 10 2009 @ 12:33 pm: [report]
@Muttface: maybe you just go for women that are full of sh-t.
Lynn
wrote on April 10 2009 @ 12:36 pm: [report]
Pauline’s story doesn’t make any sense to me. I think there definitely is something like a “connection.” I don’t think it’s cosmic or elusive or anything like that, but I’ve dated guys who I ended up falling out with because I didn’t feel that “connection.” I was attracted to them, sure, and they were great guys, but maybe they didn’t get all my jokes or maybe they didn’t really understand my viewpoints or passions. That’s what I think a connection is made up of. Not saying a guy has to always think my jokes are hysterical, or have the same passions as me or always agree with all my views. But I want him to at least understand it and I want to be able to talk to him about it all and feel like he knows what I’m saying.
Me getting rid of them had nothing to do with not wanting to #&@$% them anymore. Because some of them were quite hot. But hotness and attraction isn’t enough to make up for someone who doesn’t understand what I say and think.
EastCoastMale
wrote on April 10 2009 @ 12:58 pm: [report]
@mutt
While I am glad you liked my comment, I definitely wasnt trying to say that women in general are full of it or only think about themselves. I was just trying to think of a situation in that, representing oneself in a different way to get something they want would apply to both sexes. I dont believe blanket statements should be applied to any gender, sometimes even the teasing versions of men are sloths and women are overemotional get on my nerves, everyone is different an unique in a way that could not be quantified even if you tried. Women and men both lie some of the times, both cheat, both are selfish at times but we need each other. Women are beautiful and I love them for it, just as I hope the love us despite our faults =)
retro chic
wrote on April 10 2009 @ 01:51 pm: [report]
My gut is with Adrienne (in art.) and johnhuger.
.....
Also, the only thing missing here are the old soap opera cliffhangers with the organ playing in the background… I realize it makes for less drama and dish on Monday, but wouldn’t it be a nice touch if men and women just spoke honestly about their needs or true intentions rather than skating thru just to avoid the temporary discomfort of being real?
Misleading with any fake emotion on the pretext of sparing feelings, or hedging options is just plain crap. Everyone is short-changed by the missed opportunity to grow a true woman’s or man’s heart—THAT is seductive.
Has anyone seen old, old, B&W;movies where they, however melodramatically, spoke the ugly words of emotional honesty? It all went down a whole lot better… I used to get lost in those movies that had a lot of Life lessons in them.
Keesh Mia
wrote on April 10 2009 @ 02:18 pm: [report]
How about this one… “I really love you and think you are perfect in every way but my ex-girl friend is threatening to commit suicide. I need to take a break and help her.”
kolea
wrote on April 13 2009 @ 04:15 pm: [report]
THANK YOU! I thought I was being a bitch and overly harsh when those lines were used on me and I thought they were #&@$%. As a fake sensitive guy, it seems like they were probably really good at making it seem like he was into her, so most women just follow the lead of this sensitive guy, only to later be dumped in one of the most patronizing ways ever. Its like, I’ll just be relieved to know wtf is going on, more than want to cling to something that isn’t going anywhere. If I had to pick, I would take a jerk who says what he means and means what he says, than some passive douchebag who pretends to care, when he really doesn’t at all.
develange
wrote on April 13 2009 @ 08:50 pm: [report]
I love the guys that start out by saying, “I’m a really nice guy.” RED FLAG!!!!!!
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on April 14 2009 @ 06:53 am: [report]
@Develange: But I really am!
Nellian
wrote on April 14 2009 @ 11:56 am: [report]
@Lynn, That’s what I was thinking also. To me there is such a thing as connection and it has to be there for a good relationship. The guy in Pauline’s story wasn’t being fake about his emotions even if he didn’t have any, Because if you don’t want to be with someone anymore you obviously don’t fell any connection to them.
develange
wrote on April 14 2009 @ 12:51 pm: [report]
@ CheeeeEEEEse: oh I don’t doubt there are nice sensitive guys. I’m just wary when a guy says something like “Overall, I’m just, you know, a really nice guy!!” In my experience, the ones who actually are nice don’t claim it or define themselves by it . . .they just ARE nice and prove it through their personality and their actions.
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on April 14 2009 @ 01:00 pm: [report]
@Devlange: Yes, they have ruined it for the truly nice.
WriteFashionista
wrote on April 15 2009 @ 08:36 am: [report]
I had a mild flirtation going on with this guy, and when I broke-up with my boyfriend, he would not quit until he got what he wanted. I was totally adament on not hooking up with him for a one night thing, but he made me believe he was boyfriend material by telling me how he would visit his grandma every Sunday and one day she was sick and asked me to come over after visiting her. All lies. Guess you know what happened next, right? Well he also never called me again after that. He’s the reason my boyfriend and I got back together and why I never want to be single again!
RichieRich
wrote on April 15 2009 @ 12:29 pm: [report]
* I found out that just being myself was the best way to conduct a relationship from my end.
* Honesty works a whole lot better than pulling the sensitivity card, which can become a slippery slope—especially once the relationship matures.
* Perhaps the Beta male is becoming the new Alpha male? (Food for thought…)
jeff
wrote on April 19 2009 @ 01:20 pm: [report]
Hmmm-‘sensitivity’ can be a mixed bag when combined with trust and faith. At least the latter 2 are necessary in a relationship and the 1st to get to that stage.
Or not.
For what do I know as a single Dad and not by my choice.
Indeed, from that I’ve determined that “The 3rd times the curse” since of my 3 ‘loves’ everyone’s ended equally even though the women appeared completely different. (Not EVERY relationship has involved the “L” word-used honestly.)
While Love is an involved and ongoing act of increasing intimacy, falling out of love seems as easy as flicking a switch with women.
My latest and last Ex literally gave me the “it’s not you, it’s me’ line and I thought a son in common and decade+ relationship deserved more then a line from Seinfeld. (I may look like George Castanza but I’m not that pragmatic.)
‘Funny’ then how she moved in with my replacement within a week.
With the ‘sensitive’ irony that when we exchange our son weekly I have to hear how she and her boyfriend are or aren’t getting along.
I guess that’s because we’re ‘still friends’ although my concerns and such don’t get much play.
But then I go along to get along because she’s his mother and he MUST respect her. (Hence why I say this here and not to him.)
For all the talk of sensitivity I’ve encountered some incredibly IN-sensitive women who seem to think that being emotional equates to the same thing.