In The 21st Century, What’s Considered Cheating?
Posted by: Susannah Breslin
Filed in:
sex
11:45AM, Monday September 15th 2008
Ever since David Duchovny checked into sex rehab, the internets have been abuzz about infidelity. And, not surprisingly, when it comes to sex, men and women have different takes on what constitutes cheating in the 21st century. According to Details, masturbation is “the new infidelity.” Over at the Atlantic, watching pornography may be tantamount to committing adultery. So, what’s cheating and what isn’t?
Without a doubt, technology has changed our relationship to sex in ways we couldn’t have conceived of a century ago. In the new millennium, sex is everywhere, and when it comes to sexual desire, if you can type it into Google, you can probably find it. If you find yourself in a relationship and you’re not getting your needs met, some may find themselves looking outside of the relationship to get what they need. More often than not, technology is taking people there, sexually—whether it’s instant messaging or having a Second Life affair.
When it comes to sex, there are no hard-and-fast rules. What works for some won’t work for others. If your boyfriend’s been spending too much time online with Jenna Jameson, should you feel threatened? Not necessarily. After all, you’re the real deal, and she’s just a bunch of pixels. Maybe in your mind the idea of your boyfriend masturbating is equivalent to him cheating on you—albeit with his right hand. If that’s true for you, that’s cool—if that’s what works for both of you. Whatever your rule book says, the fact of the matter is that communication is key, and the way to make it work is by talking about it. As long as you and your significant other are on the same playing field, it’s game on. So, what do you think is cheating—and what isn’t?
- Today’s Lady News: Jaycee Dugard’s Family Speaks Out Against Proposed Porn
- Girl Talk: Guys, Keep Your Porno Fantasies To Yourself
- Jenna Jameson Made It Possible For Female Porn Performers To Say “I’m Not Gonna Do It In The Back”
- Nicole Richie is Hospitalized! (Us Weekly)
- Help Your Guy Choose the Perfect Mustache (Maxim)
TheFrisky.com is part of the Turner Sports and Entertainment Digital Network
HitOrMissJudy
wrote on September 15 2008 @ 12:03 pm: [report]
If he wouldn’t do it in front of me (except for taking a crap—he can do that solo), there’s a good chance it’s cheating. I don’t care if he beats off to anime porn all day, but if he’s cupping some other dame’s booty, well, that’s cheating.
I don’t mean he gets no privacy. I don’t need to see every email or hear every conversation (nor would I want to), but if he’s getting emotionally or physically involved with someone else he should tell me about it so I can decide whether to stay or go.
lilo
wrote on September 15 2008 @ 12:24 pm: [report]
Self-love is definitely NOT cheating—IF there’s no person providing input on the other side. If it were cheating, I’d be a terrible adultress.
Ms. LeFay
wrote on September 15 2008 @ 12:32 pm: [report]
Cheating is more about lying and hiding than doing. It’s cheating when it’s deliberately hidden because he knows he’s doing something wrong. Staying private is OK but if it’s more than that it’s not OK. Masturbation to me is a private thing so I don’t mind that. I don’t care who he fantasizes about. I don’t believe for one second that a guy can keep me as his only “inspiration” forever. And, frankly, thank you Ms.Jameson for taking some of the pressure off me.
Megan
wrote on October 6 2008 @ 10:59 am: [report]
It all depends on the agreement you have as a couple. Sometimes its assumed between two people, because you already have similar values, but it’s a conversation that should probably be had. Some people have open marriages with the stipulation that they know or not know about the other person. For me personally, I agree with Lilo. If there is a real person providing input, I consider it cheating.
RavenSky
wrote on October 26 2008 @ 01:47 pm: [report]
I agree with everything that has been written here and I thank you all for providing some clarification. I thought it was only me. I like to believe that I give my hubby his own personal freedom, and accept that he will have his own friends. But I have found that there are an awful lot of lonely women who have no respect for man’s marriage and even he tries to keep it “platonic” or even a little “flirty”, they arent satisfied with that status and will relentlessly pursue them (men). We all know that most men are frighteningly “susceptable” to a woman who compliments them, (this is also true of women) who arent quite as happy as they would like to be. I think that “communication” is paramount and that your partner has to feel that they can tell you “anything” and know that you wont “overreact”. As close as couples are, or want to be, there is a need for them to still be able to have “privacy” and it is up to the spouse to trust them enough to remember their vows.
Symian
wrote on June 25 2009 @ 09:34 pm: [report]
I think any time you commit an act of intimacy that you know your partner would not approve of or that has been made clear is unacceptable you are cheating.
I think the problem lies in people who do not clearly state their boundaries to each other. If he doesn’t know that you don’t approve of his porn habit he won’t stop. And if she doesn’t know that it makes you sick when she flirts with every man she won’t even know that there is a problem until you blow up.
I let my guy know up front that I love hentai and he let me know what he likes. But we also went down our respective lists of things we won’t tolerate, so if a problem does arise, no one can say they didn’t know it would hurt the other person and it makes us more responsible and thoughtful when doing things that affect each other.
stein
wrote on June 26 2009 @ 07:28 pm: [report]
while masturbation is A-OKAY.
it ends with masturbation to porn.
end of story.
MrsPRMom
wrote on June 30 2009 @ 01:16 pm: [report]
Watching porn and masturbating-Fine.
Having ANY sort of sexual contact with another person outside the relationship-you’ll get your butt kicked and I’m bounc’in.
Then there is the third rule…friends of the oppisite sex are fine (my husband has girls who are friends and I have guys that are the same) but there is a line to that friendship. As I see it, if my husband started calling one of his ‘girl who is friend’ all the time for every little thing, spending loads of time with her or talking about her when she is not around, I will have something to say about that(I’m being a bit extream here, I know, but you get the point)...there may be no sexual contact but I believe in emotional cheating. As the ‘other half’ I think that it’s vital you turn to one another for advice, the up’s and down’s in life, everything. And I also agree that the rules and boundries should be set in the beginning…what is o.k for one person my not be for the other. I know a few people in ‘open’ marriages, but for me? No way in hell…but that’s just me and the hubby.
Marika1970
wrote on July 4 2009 @ 09:19 pm: [report]
Wow! According to these new rules, almost everything crosses the line into the field of cheating. I’ve been married to my husband for about 20yrs. Still to this day, I don’t have to sweat his whereabouts! We are always in constant communication with eachother. We feel comfortable commenting on the opposite sex. I sometimes comment infront of him about a female on tv that I think is really pretty. We girls in general have a habbit of doing so, no idea why. I ask for his input and feels comfortable with giving a honest answer without feeling threatened. These new rules must mean he’s cheating if he agrees another woman is pretty, these new rules are really dumb! Just because you are able to identify a member of the opposite sex as good-looking, doesn’t mean you want to have sex with that individual. It’s more like the feeling of well that’s nice for that person! It’s more like in the form of happiness for that individual. But, if you are sneaking around with someone that your partner is not aware of…well it sure doesn’t sound too good!
majicksand
wrote on July 16 2009 @ 02:14 pm: [report]
Physical, verbal, or visual contact with another human being of an intimate nature is off-limits. Virtual erotica is totally fine as long as it doesn’t interfere with our “real” sex life.
I admit, I am extremely lucky. My husband and I are nauseatingly committed to one another. We are also both quite uninhibited—with each other.
Potstirer
wrote on August 4 2009 @ 01:55 pm: [report]
http://www.blissfullthinking.com
check it out here.
we’ll tell you if there’s anyone else involved.
thesleepingman
wrote on August 7 2009 @ 12:53 pm: [report]
I don’t think it matters what we define as cheating… but rather that we don’t do things to hurt our partner. For most people that includes sexual relationships with other people. But, the emphasis I like to stress is knowing what would hurt your partner.
TrocarQueen105
wrote on August 7 2009 @ 06:07 pm: [report]
It’s a relative term as far as I’m concerned. In my opinion if the woman says that kissing is cheating then the guy cannot kiss anyone even if he himself believes that it isn’t cheating. This goes vice versa as well. In the end cheating is something you do that makes your partner distrust you and hurts them as a result of your actions with someone else. As for myself I consider kissing, cybersex, and really explicit chatting as unnacceptable behavior. I don’t mind my guy pecking on a cheek or talking about sex with me or sex in general, but if it turns into lip on lip kissing and him saying how much he wants sex with another girl then we need to have a talk.