If You Never Promise To Be Monogamous, You’ll Never HAVE To Cheat
Posted by: Amelia McDonell-Parry
Filed in:
relationships
2:00PM, Wednesday May 21st 2008
I’m on vacation in the Outer Banks of North Carolina this week and that’s why I am really pissed at New York magazine for making their cover story in the newest issue be about something as enraging to me as men who cheat. Particularly men who cheat and BOO HOO don’t we feel sorry for them, because I just had to step away from the 1,000 piece puzzle I was working on to go off on a little rant about this topic when I should be meditating to the sounds of the ocean. Unfortunately, this piece, titled “What Makes Married Men Want To Have Affairs?” was so friggin’ annoying and depressing that I couldn’t help myself.
For starters, I’m one of those folks who doesn’t think humans by nature are inclined to be monogamous. After all, we’re members of the animal kingdom and unlike lobsters, our emotions and desires are complex and we can’t help but to want our cake and to eat it too. I’d be lying if I didn’t say I was attracted to other people every now and again. But humans, in general, have evolved to welcome and want monogamous relationships. That’s not to say these relationships aren’t hard and that we don’t find ourselves pulled in a non-monogamous direction, but I take issue with Phillip Weiss’ assertion that humans should evolve to embrace straying, especially since his theory seems to really include only the straying of men, as if remaining faithful and monogamous is a challenge only for his gender. I mean, maybe it is more of challenge for men, I don’t know. I just know when you give your word to be committed and monogamous with one person, you shouldn’t go breaking your promise because some Ashley Dupre floozie waltzes in front of you and your desire for something “strange” is torturing you. Weiss and his friends seem like such pathetic jerks, really. There’s nothing less manly than a lack of impulse control.
I suppose if two people in a committed relationship discover after a time that they aren’t on the same page sexually but still love each other and want to figure a way around the problem, it should be their choosing how they want to deal with that—open relationships, permitted time at the strip clubs, whatever. But that’s not cheating—that’s the couple continuing to make decisions about their relationship AS A COUPLE. Cheating is when one person decides they need to have a taste of something else, but they don’t want to deal with the baggage that comes with facing that issue head on WITH their partner. It’s cowardly. Eliot Spitzer was a stupid dumb coward and his wife got screwed. I feel about as sorry for him and his stupid sexual needs as I do for a wealthy business man who just couldn’t resist bilking $100 million from his shareholders because the opportunity presented itself.
If you can’t be monogamous, don’t be. Seriously, seems pretty simple to me. Certainly more simple than this damn puzzle I’m trying to finish. [New York]
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atlgirl
wrote on May 21 2008 @ 02:47 pm: [report]
Agreed. Cheating is just plain selfish.
Deirdre
wrote on May 21 2008 @ 03:55 pm: [report]
You know what 6 girlfriends of mine who all got married at different times in their 20’s all ended up divorced in their 30’s when they found out their husbands were cheating. Not once, not twice, some multiple times. 3 of my friends thought they were in secure happy relationships. Personally I don’t believe romantic relationships last forever or at least not happily. I think marriage is ridiculous exactly because humans especially men, are not monogamous creatures. Okay shoot me! But I believe this completely.
Elle
wrote on May 21 2008 @ 08:03 pm: [report]
Any relationship takes work and open communication. I have discussed this scenario with my husband we both agree that if one of us feels the need to cheat or is no longer interested in the other then we will communicate that and go our separate ways. What’s the point otherwise? I don’t want to be in a situation where I’m lied to and betrayed and I wouldn’t do that to someone else. It’s disrespectful and completely immature. Sex is not something that should be taken lightly at any stage in life/relationships.
tulipthecat
wrote on May 21 2008 @ 09:30 pm: [report]
It is wonderful to read such a direct, open, honest and real conversation about love and sex without the usual cynicism or on the opposite end, the usual hyper-sentimental presentation of it. I think true love is very very very complex. It’s not for the faint of heart. The most astute statement:“But that’s not cheating—that’s the couple continuing to make decisions about their relationship AS A COUPLE.” Very very true. In the best relationships, two people really can become a couple which is utterly different than being two different people. And you have to face life head on together. Not easy but amazing if you can pull it off.
ClatieK
wrote on May 21 2008 @ 10:48 pm: [report]
Speaking of impulse control, I have learned not to pick up New York magazine because their stories make me cross-eyed with rage at the nitwits they manage to dig up and normalize.
LovesIt
wrote on May 22 2008 @ 06:20 am: [report]
@ClatieK. Hit the nail on the head!
Amelia
wrote on May 22 2008 @ 07:05 am: [report]
@ClatieK—if only their crosswords weren’t so much fun!!!
TristanTaormino
wrote on May 22 2008 @ 11:32 am: [report]
Wow. Thank you for such a smart response to such a stupid article. It amazes me how people continue to write things about cheating and constantly bypass the notion of honest, consensual non-monogamy.
gillybeans
wrote on May 22 2008 @ 01:15 pm: [report]
I agree with Amelia that the most irritating thing about that article is that Weiss really acts like monogamy is a problem that solely men take issue with and bemoan. Talking about how most women “just stop being interested in sex” as they age is total #&@$%. They probably just stop being interested in it with their boring husbands, and would rather fantasize about young, wealthy, well-endowed studs and use their sex toys.
The reality is, if women are cheating, they’re doing it with discretion, with someone they know, and they’re not admitting it to many people, if anyone at all. They’re certainly not writing big articles about it.
Anyway, who wants to see a photo pf Philip Weiss and take a poll over whether we’d sleep with him anyway? I’m guessing he’s no Adonis, but you never know.
toyen
wrote on May 22 2008 @ 01:51 pm: [report]
@gillybeans - My own (female) gyno went off on the women “just stop being interested in sex as they age” trip on me a few months ago after I complained about my pill’s side effects. I *hate* that b.s.
@Amelia - Amen sister! Now put down the magazine…and go get some R&R;!
Suzie Heumann
wrote on May 22 2008 @ 03:55 pm: [report]
It is really ashame that most people never really learn how to make love. Everybody has to reinvent the wheel. It keeps us stationary. My middle daughter (when she was a teen) used to tell our friends that her parents where tri-sexual; they’ll try anything. I say this because women give up trying to get the touch, intimacy and hot sex they want. You have to push the envelope - the edges to get there.
If I were rich, didn’t have to work and had lots of time on my hands I’d be more poly but I have to work at finding time for one man - albeit - a handful of a man!