I Just Married A Jew, But My Sister’s The One Converting
Posted by: Wendy Atterberry
Filed in:
relationships
11:30AM, Wednesday October 28th 2009
One of the most frequently asked questions I hear since my now-husband and I got engaged earlier this year isn’t “When are you guys going to have kids?” or “Are you keeping your name?” Rather, it’s this: “So, are you going to convert?” I was raised Lutheran, you see, my husband is Jewish, and the answer is “no.” The longer answer is: “No, but we’re going to raise our children Jewish.” And the funny — and truthful — answer is: “No, I’m not going to convert, but my sister is!”
A few weeks after I got married — in a Jewish ceremony — my younger sister announced that she was starting conversion classes and hoped to be a full-fledged Jew in about a year. In addition to her conversion classes, Allison now takes Hebrew classes, has Shabbat dinner with her Jewish friends, and goes to temple twice a week (something I have yet to do even once!). When my mother called me a couple weeks ago and asked whether Drew, my husband, had any dietary restrictions she should know about before I bring him home for the first time at Christmas, I laughed and said, “I think the only Jewish diet you might need to worry about is your daughter’s.”
Like me, Allison was raised Lutheran by parents who not only both graduated from a prominent Lutheran university, but dragged us to church every Sunday, and encouraged our active participation in services. Our mom taught Sunday school; our dad often distributed the communion wafers and wine; and when we were both old enough, my sister and I became acolytes, lighting the altar candles each week in our ceremonial white robes. I pretty much thought it all kinda sucked, but I bided my time until I was free and could spend my Sundays nursing hangovers and inhaling Egg McMuffins the way God intended Sundays to be spent. By the time I left home and started college, I’d given up religion altogether; Allison, on the other hand, was only beginning her foray into religious studies when she left home seven years later.
It wasn’t long before Allison developed an interest in Judaism, sparked in part, I think, by her attraction to “SNL”‘s Andy Samberg and the warm reception she received on sites like JDate. “Jewish guys are just really nice! And smart! And funny! And they like me!” she’d exclaim. It was a sentiment I couldn’t really argue with. A few years later, when my relationship with Drew started getting more serious, Allison’s “interest” in Judaism blew up into a full-on obsession with all things Jewish. Now that I was warming up our die-hard Lutheran parents to the idea of a Jewish son-in-law and Jewish grandkids, Allison, always the parent-pleaser, felt like she had a pass to explore the religion and culture a bit without upsetting the natural order of things too much. The more she explored it, it seemed, the more she liked it. “Judaism fills me with joy,” she explains.
And so, three months into my interfaith marriage, I’m still navigating the role religion and the various traditions Drew and I bring to our union will play in our future and the way we raise our kids. I figured there would come a time I’d have to explain to our kids why we have a Christmas tree and a menorah during the holidays, or why Dad avoids bread during Passover but Mom descends on every last crumb like a starving pigeon. What I didn’t count on explaining was why Mom never became Jewish but Auntie Allie did. Maybe I’ll just let her do the explaining ... it Hebrew, of course.
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casablancas
wrote on October 28 2009 @ 11:15 am: [report]
Loved this article but I think you either mean Andy Samberg or Adam Sandler, not Adam Samberg.
Wendy Atterberry
wrote on October 28 2009 @ 11:17 am: [report]
Crap, I always call him that. I’m like an old person who can never remember the names of people on the TV.
kjbuzz
wrote on October 28 2009 @ 12:35 pm: [report]
It’s always interesting the way families, love and religion work. Loved the article, until the last line “Then again, maybe she’ll find herself a nice Jewish man eventually, too, and her conversion to Judaism will explain itself.”, as though the only reason one should convert is for marriage. I too am exploring conversion and I believe it should be done because the person converting wants to do it for themselves, not because they are getting married. Obviously, the whole point of the essay was that you didn’t change your religion for your husband, that last sentence just contradicted that.
40yrolddad
wrote on October 28 2009 @ 01:19 pm: [report]
Wendy Atterberry
wrote on October 28 2009 @ 03:37 pm: [report]
@kbuzz, I actually agree with you. That last sentence felt a little odd when I wrote it, but to be honest, I was having trouble figuring out a way to end the essay. Sometimes it just works like that. I probably should have taken more time think of a better last sentence.
Wendy Atterberry
wrote on October 28 2009 @ 03:39 pm: [report]
F**k it, I’m just going to delete it.
Simcha Whitehill
wrote on October 28 2009 @ 03:44 pm: [report]
Wendy, this is amazing/hilarious. And my advice to you, as a Jew, stay a shiksa. Jewish guys just love you exotic Christians!
majicksand
wrote on October 29 2009 @ 02:12 pm: [report]
The single biggest issue, in my experience, with Jewish inter-faith marriages is the children. My best friend’s mom is Jewish; her father is not. The only reason “mom’s” family didn’t protest (as in disown) is that according to the Jewish faith, the children automatically belong to the faith of the mother.
I imagine acceptance is much more difficult in families where it’s the dad who is Jewish. As far as I know, even if they are raised Jewish their entire lives, the children will still have to “convert” in order to become “real” Jews if their mother is not Jewish when they are born.
I wouldn’t swear to it, but that’s my understanding. Can any of you clarify?
Wendy Atterberry
wrote on October 29 2009 @ 03:11 pm: [report]
@Mjicksand, that is traditionally the case, but things are more flexible these days. The rabbi who married us married us under the condition that we agree to raise our kids Jewish. He explained that my husband’s sect now recognizes children born to jewish dads and shiksa moms as Jewish.
writergirl
wrote on October 29 2009 @ 03:35 pm: [report]
My cousin married a Jewish guy and converted. Her kids are raised Jewish, but due to our familial Catholocism, believed in Santa until the little girl got into a fist fight with one of her classmates on the bus over the subject. We finally had to blow the whistle on that one and let her in on the truth.
_jsw_
wrote on October 29 2009 @ 03:45 pm: [report]
The closest I’ve ever come to this is the time I dated someone who was an avid Windows fan, and my brother bought a PC.
majicksand
wrote on October 29 2009 @ 04:31 pm: [report]
That’s good to know, Wendy. I’m glad you and your husband don’t have to tackle that hurdle. I’m sure you’ve celebrated all the Jewish holidays by now and already know about the fun and the food. Hannukah is definitely my fave.
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on October 29 2009 @ 06:44 pm: [report]
@jsw: I hate that comment, and your operating system of choice.
_jsw_
wrote on October 29 2009 @ 06:48 pm: [report]
@CheeeeEEEEse: That’s OK. I know it’s just jealousy.
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on October 29 2009 @ 08:01 pm: [report]
Nope. Linux and Windows 7 is for me you Mac (read crack) whore.
SEMI-girl
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 01:04 pm: [report]
This just illustrates how complex Judaism really is since the Jewish religion and Jewish people are two different concepts, despite all the cultural traditions that blend the two. I’m personally a non-practicing Jew from a long line of atheists/agnostics, dating an agnostic that wasn’t raised in any particular religion but who’s background, like a lot of Americans, is Christian if you go back far enough. He wants our kids follow the Jewish holidays in a secular way because he wishes he had grown up with that kind of cultural tradition. My family lights Hannukah candles and I’ve been to a few Seders, but that’s it, and we might be getting our future children bar or bat mitzvahed, something I never bothered with!
kosher one
wrote on November 9 2009 @ 07:51 pm: [report]
The ignorance of Judaism here is astounding. You definately did not have a Jewish wedding. The Torah forbids intermarriage and states that a Jewish wedding can only take place between two Jewish persons. You had an interfaith wedding with a phony Rabbi who was violating Jewish law. Even the most liberal Rabbis won’t officate between an interfaith couple.
Only Jewish women can give birth to and raise Jewish children. Your children will be Gentiles because you’re a Gentile. It’s absolutely impossible for you or another Gentile woman to raise Jewish children. You can’t perform the role I was born and sanctified by Hashem to do.
Real Jewish men love Jewish women. We are the definition of exotic.