What If I Don’t Want to Get Married?
Posted by: DivineCaroline.com
Filed in:
relationships
10:30AM, Friday June 19th 2009
This afternoon, I was at my parents’ house for a family friend get-together. I always enjoy these “parties” because they are both low-key and you are able to receive an update on the lives of people that you haven’t seen for years! But, slowly the conversation always dwindles to a certain sensitive topic, or one that I am incredibly passionate about. As a single young woman, I am also a huge feminist, and I get this certain itch in my chest when I hear statements that just don’t agree with my heart.
Like today, after our wonderful BBQ, my mom began talking about a good friend of hers who just can’t seem to find herself a husband. This woman is in her late-forties, is very financially successful, opinionated, and happily single.
“I just think she might have too high of expectations, you know? I mean she is a very nice girl. There’s no other reason why she shouldn’t be dating,” my mom adds.
“Well, that’s true. I mean, a man who is just as educated and who is making that amount of money and is around the same age, is either married or chasing after a woman who is at least fifteen years younger than your friend,” is my dad’s response. But in all fairness, is that okay in our society? We in the United States pride ourselves on living in the land of opportunity and equality, but why is it that women past a certain age are still seen as just too damn old. Maybe she’ll have to lower her expectations, find a lesser educated man or a man whose income is significantly lower, but to what end? And is it not okay for her to then fight the system, find a younger man for herself?
“Oh dear. No young man will want her, honey,” is the overwhelmingly response I have gotten for speaking my mind.
To my surprise, another guest at the lunch adds her own comment into the conversation: “You know what I worry about? My daughter getting married. She’s twenty-eight years old and works as the director of distribution for a company in Orange County. But because she’s just so focused on her career, she can’t hold on to a relationship. In fact, I don’t even think she’s had the time to date in the past couple of years! Last night when she was over for dinner, she told me that I should come up and see her bachelorette pad. I laughed across the table and said, ‘You mean your Old Granny pad?’ The whole table was just bubbling with laughter ... I do sincerely hope that she finds someone soon, though.”
I got a little itch. Okay, I’m lying, it was a big itch. So big that I had the impulse to start scratching my chest right there in front of the guests. And instead, I just began thinking. Not only are men and women not paid equally, but now a woman who decides to be career-minded while she is younger is also faced with the difficulty of marriage at an “acceptable” age. Men are always deemed to be the ones who work. They work so much in fact, that they rise up on the corporate ladder until they reach their forties. They have a high-paying job at a respectable company, and are then seen as an eligible bachelor. Women will always throw themselves at these men. Don’t deny it, you may have done so before. But what about a woman? What if I choose to keep working? To keep getting those promotions, to keep getting those fancy titles and the big wooden desks. What if I turn forty and I don’t have a significant other? It’s a fact that humans crave human relationships. So if I decide to be a highly educated woman with a decent job, do I automatically decrease my chance at finding a successful and long-lasting romantic relationship?
My thoughts are interrupted with a question by a male family friend: “Weddings involve so many traditions! So, when you get married, how are you going to have your ceremony done?”
“I actually never want to get married.”
“What?! Are you a lesbian?”
Laughter is underway immediately. I look around the table and my mother, my father, oh what the heck, everyone at the table is doubling over with laughter.
With a smile, I force myself to respond politely, “No. But even if I were, I could get married in some states if I wished to.”
The laughter continues. My itching has become a rash.
If I were a male and I responded with the exact same response, the reaction would be different. I’m so sure that I’m imagining what he would have said while everyone is still laughing ...
“That’s so smart, my boy! I wish I would have followed that rule when I was your age ...”
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Kiki T
wrote on June 19 2009 @ 10:40 am: [report]
health insurance and European citizenship have been the only reasons I have seriously considered marriage
Perceptible
wrote on June 19 2009 @ 10:42 am: [report]
It seems to me that married people want their single friends and family to be married because: Misery loves company. Ha!
Riley
wrote on June 19 2009 @ 10:56 am: [report]
I think most of the drive to get married by family comes from the way it was when they were kids; married young, had children young.
Being independent and able to define yourself without being in a relationship or the need of another person is great. You should never just be with or be married to someone because it is mandated by society.
It does seem like women that are successful tend to lose out on a lot of those things. They have to put in a lot more hours and a lot more work to get to the same place in life. It takes a toll on your social life. Hopefully this will change.
Didn’t mean to turn this post into an after-school special.
sadie
wrote on June 19 2009 @ 11:14 am: [report]
I actually think men do get chastised and called odd for not getting married, at least in my experience, but usually by older people. It’s annoying when it happens to anyone. The only comfort is that times are changing, I know a lot of life partner couples who are choosing not to get married ever. Although I am married, I mostly agreed to it to make my mom happy and make my husband happy. They wanted a wedding. I was totally ambivalent. I cared about finding the right person to grow old with but not about a piece of paper from the government sanctioning it. The way I see it, I’d be with my partner either way, the marriage changed nothing. We’d already been living together for many years.
Don’t worry about what the dinosaurs tell you about love and relationships, they aren’t in touch with the times. Women can and do get younger mates nowadays. No one is ever “too old”. Women are just as entitled to their careers and doing things at their pace as a man is. Do what makes you happy. If you want to find a guy that fits in with your life choices, you probably will.
mlyway
wrote on June 19 2009 @ 11:28 am: [report]
I never have understood why so many people, especially women, are desperate for marriage. I mean, it basically is the same thing as the long-term relationship they have been in. But marriage makes it socially acceptable to have kids, live together, and to spend the rest of their lives with each other. Why do people have to get married if they are already happy where they are in a committed relationship? And plus, as the divorce rates in the U.S. keep going up, it is so much easier to leave someone when you are not legally married. There is less baggage and fewer legal matters to take care of. I truly hope marriage will become a thing of the past—particularly the societal pressure on women (and men to get married and to get married at a young age.
emflow
wrote on June 19 2009 @ 11:53 am: [report]
I think men probably do experience pressure to get married (particularly if they’re in a long-term relationship and family members are starting to ask pointed questions). But there is a different perception of men who don’t want marriage - They’re more likely to be looked at as immature or playboys, whereas a woman who doesn’t want marriage is “wasting herself” or “too career driven” or “just in a rebellious phase.”
Either way the judgments are condescending.
Helixbill
wrote on June 19 2009 @ 12:28 pm: [report]
When we mature (versus just aging) we reach a point where other people’s opinions don’t mean anything. Why take advice from anyone who is judging you in the first place?
And as a veteran of 3 divorces I can promise you there are much worse things than being alone!
Queen Frostine
wrote on June 19 2009 @ 12:34 pm: [report]
@mlyway,
You asked: Why do people have to get married if they are already happy where they are in a committed relationship?
Because you want to make a formal commitment to one another and each other’s families, take an oath to join in a life long bond with this person and make certain promises that, while you may consider are already in place, are never really spoken to one another or take for granted. Yes, you’re already committed to one another, but it’s just a way of making that more special and meaningful. Marriage is not for everyone and not everyone will see the benefit.
I chose to marry because I wanted my unspoken commitment spoken, in a way where I could demonstrate my level of commitment to my partner through a meaningful ceremony and symbolism. It was a chance to unite our families together into one big family, for them to accept me into their family and for mine to accept my husband into theirs. It really took things to another level for us emotionally, mentally and spiritually.
I don’t really care much about the legal recognization aspect. We don’t benefit from health insurance and the tax breaks aren’t substantial. But having that piece of paper meant a lot to my husband (who is very traditional), so I did that part for him. I don’t think you should need a piece of paper to marry someone or a license to prove it.
mlyway
wrote on June 19 2009 @ 12:54 pm: [report]
@Queen Frostine
I also think that paying for a marriage license and the entire wedding ceremony is ridiculous—and even selfish. Where else do you pay to have people watch you show commitment to one another? I also think people’s expectations of marriage are vastly different than their parents’ expectations. I understand a small ceremony for limited family members to view a close bond…but honestly the whole white dress—or even dress—ordeal is too traditional. I think many of these traditions that occur in weddings themselves need to be tossed because each couple should do unique, individual things that truly show a bond and commitment.
Chebs
wrote on June 19 2009 @ 01:05 pm: [report]
@sadie: I agree with this, “Don’t worry about what the dinosaurs tell you about love and relationships, they aren’t in touch with the times” completely!
Has anyone else noticed that it tends to be the older housewives who dole out the 30 y.o. spinster label? I can’t say I’ve heard any working women ever actually say anything like what the author described. But I’ve worked with a lot of younger women (20’s-30’s), so maybe the older ones still do?
wonder_bread
wrote on June 19 2009 @ 01:39 pm: [report]
im in this situation now… i wanna stay in school get few degrees so i can help ppl and travel maybe join a military reserve or the peace corp but i also want to get married and maybe produce two spawn of my own…. the freedom of indepence vs home life… i dunno what i want more… luckly my parents aren’t and have never pressurred me to get married or have kids… they want me to live my one life as fulfilling as i can…
Queen Frostine
wrote on June 19 2009 @ 01:45 pm: [report]
@mlyway,
A wedding doesn’t have to be a grand exhibition in consumerism. And it’s NOT selfish. We decided to have a wedding as a way to celebrate with all of our family and friends. Our two families were coming together and we wanted to throw a party to celebrate. Our wedding was for ALL our family, not just for ourselves.
And yeah, I wore a dress. Not because tradition told me to, but because I’m a GIRL and I LIKE wearing dresses. I wanted to show my husband how much he means to me by putting on something special. The way his eyes lit up when he saw me was worth a million bucks.
We did not follow tradition. We did what was meaningful to us and to our families. Everyone chipped in and helped pay for everyone to eat dinner together and for there to be music to dance to. It was not selfish and it was not costly.
Humble Bee
wrote on June 19 2009 @ 01:57 pm: [report]
Its funny how if men don’t get married they’re considred these HOT bachelor players, but if women don’t get married they’re considered crazy cat ladies. That’s such bull. I never want to marry.
Taurwen
wrote on June 19 2009 @ 03:13 pm: [report]
The link doesn’t send me to the original article, and I’m having trouble finding it o DivineCaroline :(
sailor_girl
wrote on June 19 2009 @ 03:19 pm: [report]
I’m not entirely opposed to the idea of marriage however I have absolutely no interest in taking that vow at this point in my life. I’m a bit of a black sheep in the family because I haven’t taken the plunge and started shooting bowling balls from my pelvis. I’m 22 and active duty military, I’m living and see no problem with that. For the time being no one is gonna hold me down.
sunny5872
wrote on June 19 2009 @ 05:38 pm: [report]
If I was to have the emotional bond and trust to marry a guy, I wouldn’t need a white dress, a piece of paper and a big party to prove it.
msgirl79
wrote on June 19 2009 @ 05:58 pm: [report]
My mawmaw always said, “If you got an itch, scratch it.”
I’m a 30 year old female working a very good full-time job and finishing up my PhD, and I still get the “aww, it’ll happen when you least expect it…” or “you’re not getting any younger” or my personal favorite “one day you’ll get married and have a family too.”
I mean who even asked them if that was a part of MY plan in MY life?
My mother refuses to acknowledge the fact that I am a grown up because unlike my older brother I am without a spouse and children. Regardless of the fact that I’m a hard-working, successful, independent woman; I will never reach the pedestal that my brother is on in my mother’s mind. She always thinks that because I do not want to babysit them all the time that I am jealous of my brother and his family.
And, if I speak up then people give that look on their face like they are thinking, “aw, poor girl, she’s trying to make herself feel better for being alone…” So, I give them a “polite” smile and tap my foot 4 times for “Shut the *Flip* Up.” I know they will never change, and nothing I say makes a difference because they already have a preconceived stereotype in their mind. Sometimes those four taps get me through the conversation.
CatGoesNomNom
wrote on June 19 2009 @ 06:57 pm: [report]
You are not alone: I was raised by my father to be a wholly independent woman and as a result, I don’t believe in the institute of marriage at all. As a women’s studies minor and feminist, I’ve done a lot of reading on different issues, and it’s just fact that marriage is more beneficial to males. I don’t support marriage for many many reasons, but the main one is that I feel it subjugates women, especially in ways that are almost imperceptible. I know that many people disagree, and that’s totally fine, but I do wish they would respect my decision. When people find out that I never plan on marrying (though I absolutely want a “forever” monogamous relationship) in ADDITION to not wanting children, boy they look at me like I’m from space. Sad.
mlyway
wrote on June 19 2009 @ 08:56 pm: [report]
@Catgoesnomnom
I completely agree with your statements about people being unable to respect my decisions to never marry (but again to be in a committed ‘forever’ relationship) and to never have children. The thing I hate least is when people say, “Oh…you will change”. Why should I change? It is as if they changed when they were younger because of societal pressure. If I don’t want kids now, I seriously don’t want them.
ldlittledebbie
wrote on June 20 2009 @ 07:42 pm: [report]
Marriage is just the legal contract that goes with a long-term relationship. In my opinion, the long-term relationship should be a choice and held together based on the choices made, not a contract.
Pepper
wrote on June 20 2009 @ 08:37 pm: [report]
@mlyway They probably do say you will change because they themselves did, or someone they know did, but not necessarily because of societal pressure. It’s pretty common for one’s views on marriage to change based on lots of different things, new perspectives develop with time, new experiences, or just meeting someone unlike any you have ever met, i.e. falling in love, meeting ‘the one’ This isn’t to say that you will change your mind for sure though, you may, you may not. Regardless, it is really not their business whether you do, nor their place to predict it. But it is hard to resist that impulse to say such a thing to someone (this I know from personal experience)When you hear someone who sounds just like you did some odd years ago, and you know how you’ve changed since then, the natural inclination is to smile and knowingly say “That’ll change” because for you it did. Of course, everyone is different though, and while sometimes that prediction is right, it is also often wrong. But if its any consolation, they probably have your best interests at heart, so hopefully you can forgive them that little trespass and not take it too personally^^
jimnist10
wrote on June 21 2009 @ 12:32 pm: [report]
My personal favorite response to my “I don’t want to get married or have my own children and if i do I’ll be somewhere in my 30’s” is, “Awww…don’t say that.” Like as if I’m saying something horrible and off-putting. I mean, I guess I am to most people, but I could care less about marriage, weddings, or getting pregnant. I’m 28 and have had enough dating expericnce and long-term relationship heartache to know exactly what I want from my career and my love life. Screw close-minded people for thinking that’s off-putting.
TotallyRidiculous
wrote on June 21 2009 @ 06:45 pm: [report]
I think that this is such a generational thing. It used to be that women who were still single at 20 were “spinsters.” Now it’s 30 or 40, although we don’t use that word, it’s the same idea. The age keeps going up. The people that say these kinds of things are behind the times. So a 60+ year old woman tells you its hard for a successful 30 or 40 something to get a good man her age? How does she know? It’s a hell of a lot easier than it was when she a 30 or 40 something, and she probably was never a single 30 or 40 something.
PS: men who want to date women 20 years younger than them are either only interested in sex, or must be incredibly immature. You don’t want them! And if all men are like that, why on earth should you wish you had married a man in your 20’s who is going to get tired of you when your in your 30’s and 40’s and go chasing women in their 20’s again?