How To Tell A Man He’s Bad In Bed
Posted by: Wendy Atterberry
Filed in:
relationships
12:00PM, Tuesday May 19th 2009
Mike Alvear wrote a two-part series on how to tell a man or a woman he or she is bad in bed. For dudes, he suggests they repeatedly ask their ladies what she likes in bed in hopes she’ll get the hint and ask what he likes. He also advises bringing up the conversation casually while ready the morning paper (not in bed and definitely not just after sex), and telling a woman what you want more of and not less of. For women, he makes the same suggestions, but advises them to have their conversation side-by-side and not face-to-face since, he says, men are intimidated by eye contact. His advice is OK, but it’s a little passive-aggressive. I get that it’s a fine line to tiptoe, but with a gentle touch a little constructive criticism never killed a guy. After the jump, five ways to let your guy know his “skills” leave a little to be desired.
1. Tell him what you like
Forget about asking what he likes and hoping he gets the hint. There’ll be time to focus on his needs later. Right now, you need to let him know exactly what you like. Tell him when you’re naked/in bed/making out—whatever. Telling him over breakfast with the morning paper makes it seem like you’ve been thinking about it and waiting for the perfect time to broach the subject. Telling him when you’re getting physical seems like a natural extension of foreplay — a tamer kind of dirty talk. Saying: “I really like having neck gently kissed and sucked on” while you seductively run your forefinger along your throat down to your collarbone is hot. How’s a guy gonna take offense to that?
2. Show him what you like
Whenever you’re able, give him a demonstration of what you like by doing it to him or doing it to yourself while he watches. Using your lesson as part of foreplay will get a guy worked up in the best possible way.
3. Use “instead of” when giving directions
If you hate the way that he uses his tongue like a dagger in all the wrong places, say: “Instead of making your tongue hard, try making it soft when you kiss me there.” It’s not exactly the same as saying, “Don’t kiss me like that,” but it has the same effect without sounding critical.
4. Frame it as a game with “let’s try”
Hate the way that he jackhammers you? Say: “Let’s try slowing it down this time — I want to see if it feels any different.” It’s like a game, see? It’s not about what he’s doing wrong to you, it’s about the two of you trying something different for the hell of it. Sure, you already know it’s going to feel better, but for all he knows, you’ll be making this crazy new discovery together for the first time.
5. Give him a shout out
When he follows your directions, reward him with some verbal cues for a job well-done. Moaning, “yes”-ing, and even yelling his name out are the perfect yellow star for your pupil. Now don’t forget to ask what he wants ...
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CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on May 19 2009 @ 12:27 pm: [report]
6. Draw a map, I love maps.
retro chic
wrote on May 19 2009 @ 12:53 pm: [report]
Play Lily Allen’s “It’s Not Fair,” dress and leave. If it’s bad.
Otherwise, if there’s a connection and it isn’t bad—is OK, and needs tweaking, then constructive demo/talk helps. Still guarded, tho, if you expect a certain level of competency to begin with.
WinkyFace
wrote on May 19 2009 @ 01:18 pm: [report]
I’ve done all these things, and they work 100% of the time. If for some reason they don’t… there is something wrong with your partner, not you.
Adam(aka)AP
wrote on May 19 2009 @ 01:23 pm: [report]
Some people just can’t be helped.
#7 Buy them an instuctional video.
B1ll
wrote on May 19 2009 @ 01:52 pm: [report]
1. Tell him “In Flagrante Delicto”. If he has trouble accepting it you probably shouldn’t be with him.
2. Do it to him. Men haven’t liked “Show and Tell” since grammar school.
3. Be straight-forward and ask. “Softer, softer, it feels better” (Refer to end of 1.)
4. DON’T PLAY GAMES! We’re not really that dumb and most of us will try to please. Teach subtly. (Refer to 3)
5. (Refer to 4.) Don’t fake moans, yeses, or names. Do what comes natural and then some variation of “That was good. Thanks” but mean it. We can tell. (Refer to 4, sentence II)
6. To many men don’t like to use maps.
7. We hate instruction manuals too!
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on May 19 2009 @ 02:04 pm: [report]
@B1ll: 1 is getting caught in the act, not being bad at it.
2. I’ve always liked show and tell.
3. Yes.
4. Yes.
5. Yes.
6. I like maps, already stated.
7. I love instruction manuals! Ever put together something really complex out of lego?
retro chic
wrote on May 19 2009 @ 03:29 pm: [report]
@B1ll, you had me at “In Flagrante Delicto.”
Cheese, he means, tell the guy while it’s happening, not later, ie, not breakfast, a la the article…
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on May 19 2009 @ 03:48 pm: [report]
@retro: Well it means to be caught in the act. In a sexual meaning it literally means that.
sam04
wrote on May 19 2009 @ 03:54 pm: [report]
Slightly off-topic, but do you think if someone’s a bad kisser that’s indicative of a lack of skills in other areas?
retro chic
wrote on May 19 2009 @ 04:02 pm: [report]
Cheese, Life, as you know, is not lived “literally” out of a dictionary. I was just clarifying B1ll’s colloquially (conversational, casual) intended and understood usage for you. If you like, we all stand, or lie down, corrected, as it were.
Wendy Atterberry
wrote on May 19 2009 @ 04:27 pm: [report]
sam04: yes.
sam04
wrote on May 19 2009 @ 04:33 pm: [report]
@Wendy: Drats.
theattack
wrote on May 19 2009 @ 04:41 pm: [report]
Cheese, I love that you just turned correcting the sexually challenged into Legos! Yess!!!!
juliePS
wrote on May 20 2009 @ 04:54 am: [report]
@sam04: not necessarily. My boyfriend was a TERRIBLE kisser when I first met him (like, seriously, cringeworthy, if he wasn’t so awkwardly charming I don’t know that I would have gone out with him again) but he’s pretty freaking awesome in the sack. And now that I’ve trained him to be an awesome kisser too, so if we ever break up, he OWES me, hehe.
but! I think he may be the exception because he knew he was terrible long before I ever said anything, and thus was extremely willing to go along with whatever I suggested, allowing me to take advantage of his good nature.
anyway. I actually slightly disagree with #1, simply because in my own experience, I find talking about sex outside of the bedroom to be more productive, although it is also significantly more awkward.