How To Survive The First Week Of A Broken Heart
Posted by: Amelia | Filed in: Relationships
11:00AM, Monday September 22nd 2008
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My relationship status is in limbo. Eight days ago I was engaged. Now I don’t know what I am. I’m not single, but I’m certainly feeling an aloneness that I haven’t felt in four and half years—it’s traumatizing and weirdly liberating all at once. During the first few days of this new stage of my life, I found it impossible to get out of bed, my bones ached, and I had a strong desire to sleep for the next 100 years. But since then I’ve discovered how to pick myself back up and offer to you 10 tips for surviving the first week of heartbreak.
10. Pop Pills: Obtained legally and under the advisement of your doctor, of course. Let’s face it, the first few days, it’s really hard to conceive of life being worth living. I don’t care if you’re all girl power strong and resilient—heartbreak can knock the wind out of any Calamity Jane. that’s why I can vouch for the effectiveness of a nice, doctor-prescribed dose of anti-depressants and sleeping meds to take the edge off. Sleep your ass off and after a couple deep dreams, you’ll wake up feeling refreshed.
9. Work: No offense, readers, but on Day 1 and Day 2, I could not give a hoot about you or this site. My ability to write, let alone write about sex and relationships, seemed impossible, not to mention the fact that I felt wholly unworthy of commenting on such matters ever again. But on Day 3 I awoke with a renewed sense of purpose. Work can be a distraction during difficult times, yes, but difficult times can also give you a fresh perspective on work. Embrace it!
8. Scream: On Day 6 I went to Gay Night at the Six Flags theme park in New Jersey. Screaming my head off as I rode some seriously insane roller-coasters was incredibly exhilarating and therapeutic. The fact that everyone at the park was gay and there wasn’t a straight male among them to remind me of the source of my heartbreak helped too. As did the cheese fries, especially after five days of not being able to stomach food.
7. Stretch: Personally, I’m not much for working out and the only physical exercise I can really stand is yoga. But this week I realized how much I actually NEED it. This sounds cheesy, but I have heard that your body stores a lot of emotions in your joints and muscles and that’s why you might be inflexible and sore in places—like your hips. Apparently people store a lot of sadness in their hips. So going to yoga has been helpful because DAMN, my hips are sad and it has felt so amazing to release it in a sweaty, exhausting, but fun way. Also, there’s no better revenge than a hot body.
6. Approach Pop Culture Carefully: For the first few days, this pop culture addict couldn’t watch TV, pick up a book, or even consider seeing a movie. The concept of reading about a happy couple in a book, seeing a hot guy on screen, or sniffling over some characters wedding in a movie made me sick to my stomach. But i gradually re-entered the land of the Pop Culture Addicted—I watched “Intervention” and the Food Channel, eventually building up to watching the most recent episode of my beloved “Mad Men” on Day 4. I read magazines and did the crossword until I finally had the urge to reopen my copy of “American Wife” and didn’t get all weepy about the fictional versions of George and Laura Bush. I haven’t gone to the movies yet, but I did watch “Juno” again on Saturday and though I cried when Jennifer Garner got the baby at the end, it felt kind of good.
5. Seek The Advice Of An Older Woman: Having the advice of my mom has been very helpful, but also getting the perspective of a seasoned woman that is NOT related to me has been an eye-opener. Last night my friend took me to a dinner party hosted by her twin aunts—both in their late-’50s—who had a lot of wise words for me to consider. “If he is a good man, it’s not worth walking away yet”, “have a time limit”, and “write him a letter” among them. The perspective of someone who has lived a long, fulfilling life, with lots of highs and lows and probably more than a few heartbreaks, but also is not emotionally attached to my own well-being, is just the kind of a outlook I needed to realize that my life is far from over. And that I am fabulous.
4. Put Your “Away” Message Up On AIM & Avoid Social Networking: My worst nightmare is having those friends I don’t talk to very often sending me pings that say, “So, when is the wedding?” It’s not that I want to lie and pretend everything is a-okay, but I’m also not ready to tell many people yet (well, clearly, posting about it on The Frisky shows I’m opening up to the idea), and I certainly don’t want to try to explain the details that I don’t yet understand fully. So I’m on permanent “Away” on AIM. I must seem very busy. Oh and I also deleted the source of my heartbreak from my friend’s list—simply because looking at his name was torture.
3. Don’t Drink (Much): Some people, when they break up, go on a major bender. I think this is a terrible idea, as tempting as it may be because nothing makes a broken heart feel worse than a hangover, heart burn, and no one to run out to the deli to buy you a Sprite, Advil, and a bag of jalapeno potato chips. So I’m not drinking (much) for the foreseeable future.
2. Buy Yourself Something Pretty: This tip isn’t as shallow as it sounds. Chances are, if you’re been in a relationship for awhile, you probably have some tokens of love that have become part of your usual “look”. Mine was, obviously, my engagement ring. My hand feels naked—what I miss is that weighted reminder of him on my hand. So I’m going to get myself something that is a weighted reminder of me, myself, and I. It doesn’t have to be much—hell, it could even just be a bouquet of flowers—but it should be something that reminds you that it’s quite alright to love yourself.
1. Lean On Your Friends: They say you discover who your true friends are during a crisis—that is so true. For years my best friend has been my boyfriend—not in a co-dependent way, I don’t think, but just in a “when I need to talk, I talk to him"-way—so now that we’re “on a break” [FYI, that “Friends” episode does not really make that phrase any funnier when you’re actually ON a break] I can no longer rely on him for his best friend advice. Suddenly, my friends that I don’t have sex with have really shown me how much they care. Now is not the time to keep your emotions bottled up. Your true friends are the ones who will let you bawl your eyes out, not offer advice unless you ask for it, bring you Sour Patch Kids because they’re your favorite candy, and will call to check on you three times a day.
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Leigh Raines
[report]wrote on September 22 2008 @ 11:11 am:
all very good advice, and number 10 is so human and necessary
Kiki T
[report]wrote on September 22 2008 @ 12:04 pm:
I high tailed my ass to a psychic right after my most traumatic break-up.
Annika Harris
[report]wrote on September 22 2008 @ 12:17 pm:
When my mom and I decide a guy is no longer worth it, we go shoe shopping, so we can walk away from him.
meghan
[report]wrote on September 22 2008 @ 02:01 pm:
As someone who knows a few people who suffer from serious clinical depression, I think number 10 is a really poorly-thought out suggestion. Do you have any idea how many anti-depressants are on the market and how many side effects they have? Do you know how long it takes people to find a prescription combination that works for them? Not to mention throwing in the extra added bonus of sleeping pills. Unless you are a doctor and/or a psychiatrist you are in no position to be recommending prescription medication.
Your relationship status changed. It sucks and I’m sorry but taking prozac is not going to make it all better.
Esther
[report]wrote on September 22 2008 @ 02:03 pm:
When my engagement ended, crying, watching movies, talking with friends and LOTS of exercise were the best solutions to dealing with the pain.
Be strong, you will heal from this.
Better now than later when you’re married with kids.
Amelia
[report]wrote on September 22 2008 @ 02:11 pm:
@meghan Thanks for your comment and I am fully aware that taking Prozac isn’t going to make it all better. Having been on Lexapro myself for the last year and a half, I can assure you I am fully aware of the side effects and implications of taking prescription medication—hence the whole “under the advisement of a doctor” line. The point of including #10 is to stress that there is absolutely NOTHING WRONG with seeking a little medicinal help during a difficult time, if you and your doctor think it’s right. There should not be a stigma associated with taking medication, nor should people who take it be judged as if they’re looking for a quick fix. And heck yeah, taking a melatonin (totally natural sleeping aid, by the way) before bed has definitely helped me sleep.
par3
[report]wrote on September 22 2008 @ 02:18 pm:
amelia- wtf dood? i mean this more in-shock than as a question: wtf happened? this summer while my engagement came to ‘an end’ a few times i would read some of your posts/comments/tidbits on relationships/your engagement and i would think, ‘certainly her guy isn’t as big of a douche as mine- my engagement is an f-ing joke’… and now this. i feel like it’s happening to me- i feel all of the things you’re feeling bc i’ve been though it before. like you said ‘i’m not single’ so hopefully you can get out of this nasty feeling one way or another- please hang in there and please keep us posted- i feel for you like a sister and quite frankly i’m feeling cranky right now like it’s happening to me all over again.
Leigh Raines
[report]wrote on September 22 2008 @ 02:19 pm:
@meghan...i too made that comment because i have been on anti-depressants/anti-anxiety medicine for the last 4 years. so as somebody who is actually ON medicine and not just friends with many people who are, i think i know what i’m talking about when i agree that a PRESCRIBED xanax or klonopin can help calm the crying a little bit for people who have severe anxiety to begin with.
HitOrMissJudy
[report]wrote on September 22 2008 @ 03:03 pm:
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. This advice is going to sound really weird, but I found power-wallowing (within reason) very helpful.
I got my heart-broken by a guy named Lou (two of them at different times, actually!) and so I rewrote the Sinead O’Connor hit, “Nothing Compares to You” as “Nothing Compares to Lou,” and I would just walk around my apartment singing it at the top of my lungs. (My poor, poor, neighbors.) After the first few times, I realized how ridiculous and over-the-top I was being. Whenever I’d start to go downhill, I’d bust out that song and it would make me laugh. So yeah, pop songs definitely help.
If you can let yourself be a little ridiculous, you’ll eventually come out of it enough to laugh and there is nothing that’ll make you feel better than cracking your own ass up.
And I completely agree with the boozing comment. It’ll make you more depressed and, possibly worse, cause you to either drunk dial or sleep with someone unworthy. You’re awesome and should always keep that in mind.
yvon
[report]wrote on September 23 2008 @ 07:40 am:
make me laugh
lilo
[report]wrote on September 23 2008 @ 09:09 pm:
Happy for #9. We missed you for those few days.
Rachel Kramer Bussel
[report]wrote on September 24 2008 @ 02:24 am:
Amelia, I have no advice but wanted to say I’m so sorry. I hope things are getting easier, even if just a teensy tiny bit (or maybe more).
Judy - I love your answer. It’s both hilarious and awesome at once. FYI people - Judy is my friend I call when I am having relationship drama, and she usually is quite on the money.
Elle
[report]wrote on September 28 2008 @ 02:55 pm:
I think your advice is great and I wholeheartedly agree with #10, but only under the strict supervision of a doctor. I’m really sorry to hear your news, but things will get better (maybe not now, but eventually). If it’s meant to be it will be and if not, well then maybe there is another plan for you in the universe.
Alia
[report]wrote on September 30 2008 @ 04:27 pm:
When I broke up with my ex-boyfriend after ten years together, I bought myself an inexpensive rose gold pendant in the shape of a flower. It was my present to myself, since all my jewelry had been purchased by him. It really did make me feel better.
Sarah
[report]wrote on September 30 2008 @ 06:50 pm:
I was excited to see you post because I myself, as well as some friends, have recently gone through similar things, and I promptly prepared to forward them a link. However, when I read #10, it gave me pause.
I read the other comment about it, and your response (which seemed a little defensive), and they did not address my concern.
First of all, a large majority of people do not need to “pop pills.” Of course, if someone clinically needs them, by all means they should. But the wording implies that this is extremely commonplace, and, at least amongst my peers, it is not.
Second, I think the nonchalance with which this suggestion is delivered completely ignores the stature you hold in writing for publication. Women who are reading this article are doing so because they feel vulnerable. This suggestion does not empower them - it simply makes them think they should get a drug they very well may not need. People are coming to this site for advice. Sleeping pills are HIGHLY addictive, no matter how natural. Vulnerable women are reading your article and getting a suggestion to expose themselves to additional potential problems like addiction and side effects, at a time when their raw emotions are most susceptible to suggestions, and when their judgment is off.
I know you are hurting, but have you forgotten that you are writing to help people? Please take this with a grain of salt, but perhaps you jumped the gun on #9, and need a little more self-love before you can be useful in helping other hurting women to find their strength. It would be much more inspiring to hear a woman admit her weakness than to have her suggest to me that I need drugs to forget mine. (I don’t. I sleep fine. I cry when I need to. I am perfectly willing to honestly face my fears and my pain, and call professionals for non-drug-induced assistance when necessary.) Women’s strength is in their natural ability to be with pain, and at some point you will probably realize this is a natural part of what facing a break-up teaches you.
Be awake for it.
Amelia
[report]wrote on September 30 2008 @ 07:20 pm:
@Sarah Thanks for your comment. This particular blog post was written very much from my personal experience, providing the tips that helped me—some people recover from bad breakups in different ways and I encourage them to share those tips here. We’re all adult women and I like to think we’re all adult enough to choose which tips work best for us. And of course I encouraged women to seek the advice of their doctor and obtain any pills legally and if deemed medically necessarily.
While the lead in, “Pop Pills” is more meant to be cheeky and funny (think Valley Of The Dolls-esque over-the-topness) I get that that might strike some readers as too...casual. But again, this is just my first person perspective on what’s helped me. And while I could spend another 1000 words describing how long I’ve been on anti-depressants and why, it’s not really relevant.
Still, there’s a portion of your response that does bring out a certain defensiveness in me:
“It would be much more inspiring to hear a woman admit her weakness than to have her suggest to me that I need drugs to forget mine.”
I think in all my posts on this particular subject, and frankly on many of the posts on this sight, my weaknesses has been an open book, with the knowledge that some people or going to think I’m wrong or mock me (the commenter who called me a ‘wuss’ the other day comes to mind). That’s okay. I put it out there. But I do not take anti-depressants, nor do I occasionally take melatonin to sleep because I want or need to forget anything. To say that shows a gross misunderstanding of what anti-depressants in particular do for people who need them and I suggest you do some research on the subject before suggesting that taking them is a form of escapism. If this is a subject matter that is of interest to The Frisky’s readers, I’d be happy to share my story.
I can assure you, I am feeling every single solitary emotion of this part of my life—from the horrendous pain and overwhelming anger, to the doubt and insecurity about what the future holds. These tips were meant to be a reflection of my own experience, not a road map for every woman going through a painful breakup. I respect the intelligence of The Frisky’s readers—those going through a rough time and those who are doing just fine—and know that they can decide what information is best for them.
Autumn
[report]wrote on September 30 2008 @ 07:37 pm:
@Sarah @Amelia I got what you were saying Amelia. Personally (well, I don’t speak from experience), I don’t know that I would want or feel the need to take any sort of anti-depressants, but I totally respect those who attend to their needs in the way they and their docs thinks is best. I mean, this stuff is legal—it’s not like you’re numbing the pain with crack!
My best friend in college went through a rough time when her dad died and she went on some sort of anti-anxiety pill for six months or so after his death to help her get through it. She still had a hard time, but it definitely helped her. What’s so bad about that?
Anyway, good post! Hope the dbag learns his lesson!
MandaJane
[report]wrote on September 30 2008 @ 10:32 pm:
I read the first two sentences and thought, “Did I write this?...circa 2006?” LOL
Teets
[report]wrote on October 01 2008 @ 09:54 am:
As someone that’s battled sporadic depression (death - that’s all I can really say) and is, for the most part, the happy-to-the-point-of-being-annoying type, I’m really bummed to see other commenters completely take Amelia’s comments about pills out of context. Not once does she say that the pills are used to “forget” or numb herself from her heartbreak. Quite the contrary - she’s saying that for someone that meets the medical requirements and is prescribed medication, prescription pills might help you get through this. No one likes to admit this, but there’s a reason why some people um, take their own lives for matters from losing a job to suffering from a broken heart. Traumatic situations affect us all differently and can even drive us to the point of losing all rationale. For anyone that’s ever been the victim of a broken heart, you know that all you end up doing is questioning what is wrong with you… as a woman, I hope the heartbroken can all get to that point of anger or even liberation at realizing maybe it was meant to be, but the truth is, their are stages of how we all get there.
I fully appreciate the comments about how Amelia has a duty as a public voice, but I’m sorry - freedom of speech is what enables Sarah Palin to voice her (in my opinion) wacked out ideas and still run for VP. We can only truly be responsible for ourselves, and as a “published voice”, as long as she’s speaking from the heart and being responsible (which she is - please re-read the first line of Tip 10), what more do we want from her? It’s a first person account and I think the fact that she was willing to share her pain with readers is commendable. I like to think that her main point was that even the heartbroken will survive.
JT48
[report]wrote on October 01 2008 @ 01:50 pm:
I really don’t understand how everyone can take these things so seriously and get so upset… these are just opinions people! And if you are using people’s blogs & opinions as your life lessons that THAT is the real problem. as opposed to just gaining a different perspective on things… anyhoo, I agree the #10 tip can be useful as long as you’re responsible about it, as Amelia so clearly states… so there.